Reward chart? suggestions, ideas

[Norasmomma]

I am looking for any ideas/suggestions on help with a reward chart/system for our DD(almost 4). She is a very high spirited child and we have decided that for our family this is the gentlest way to go about with her disciplinary issues. She actually needs some type of visual enticement to "want" to do the right thing behavior-wise, if given a choice in actions, she chooses to act crazy-it's not working for us, I am yelling way too much and it is just not ok. Redirection does not work, time out and time-ins, don't work.

So DH and I have come to the conclusion this will work best, another MDC mom suggested it in the childhood years when I was having problems with her a few weeks ago. For her she is big on striving to do something, so I want to use her natural drive to lead, to help her get her behavior into a more appropriate manner, and by this I mean simple house rules, don't tackle your baby brother, don't try and feed him, help clean up your mess, listen-not anything too over the top. I am aware she is almost 4 and she still has little impulse control at times.

I know that many may not agree with rewards, but in our case everything else has.not.worked. and the emotional stress is making our whole family suffer, because I am at my wits end, thus making life difficult for all of us. Thanks for reading.

[Mama2Bug]

We've used a chart for the past two years with our 5.5 year old DD. She really benefits from the tangible reminder of what's expected of her. Our chart is similar to this one (only we got ours at the Dollar Tree). It's a dry erase poster. We write all of her chores (helping to feed the pets, putting her dishes in the sink etc) as well as several types of behavior that we expect of her (Be Helpful, Be Respectful...) and some daily duties (teeth brushing, getting dressed, do schoolwork) on the chore lines. If she does these things without a fuss, she gets a star drawn in the reward box. If she doesn't do them, they get a big X. If we give her a pass (due to being out of the house or if the chore doesn't need to be done that day ie. schoolwork on a Saturday), it gets a line drawn through it. Each behavior is a day-long assessment- meaning that if she says something rude, it doesn't necessarily mean that she loses her "respectful star" right away. It gives us a chance to give her several warnings and model better choices before she gets a X and it gives her the opportunity to change her behavior before experiencing consequences. If several warnings don't help, the X is given. We always discuss her chart at the end of the day, so that we can praise her for her good efforts and talk about what she can do better the next day, if she misses something.

At the end of the week, she gets a sticker for each day that she got no Xs. She keeps them in a small sticker book. It's a very small book- about 6 double-sided pages, 5'x5". When the book fills up (about three months), she gets a reward. We choose the reward, because DD really loves surprises. I imagine you could allow a child to choose something to work toward, if that works better for them.

It's worked really well for us.

[Norasmomma]

That is great. I like the sticker book idea and a "big" reward, this would help our DD so much.

I just actually ordered this one http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-M...ecc_rvi_cart_1

I really think the whole family will benefit from this, she needs something firm, but fun to get her in the right direction.

[LynnS6]

I would suggest that at 4, you use both a small immediate reward, and then build up to a bigger reward with the smaller rewards.

So, for example, if she goes all morning with keeping her hands to herself, she gets a sticker. When she gets 5 stickers, she gets an extra trip to the park or 30 minutes where you'll play whatever game you want with her. When she gets 15 stickers she can (insert whatever reward you want).

I would divide the time into small bits to begin with, and I wouldn't tie it to a certain time frame. I don't like doing the "get 6 stickers this week and you'll get Y" for a 4 year old because if they screw up on Sunday and Monday, then there's no incentive to work on those skills the rest of the week either! I did do a system like this when ds was 6 and we were trying to teach him to wipe himself. But there's a big difference in ability to plan ahead between 4 and 6.

My other suggestions would be:
1. Focus on concrete skills that she can do. And frame those as what she should do, not what she shouldn't. They need to be concrete and easily done by her. Success breeds success. Set your daughter up for success.

2. Focus on one or two skills at a time, and then once she's mastered those, move on to others. What are the one or two things that are causing the most conflict? Tackle those first. Trying to fix all the 'problems' at once is overwhelming for everyone. (And my experience has been that once you work on the issues that are causing the most problems, the dynamic shifts and the other ones are either easier to deal with or they go away on their own).

Finally, I really like the book "The Challenging Child" and you might find it helpful. It talks about the importance of connection, problem-solving and consequences. But consequences only come after the steps of connection and problem-solving are worked out.

[ssh]

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? It has some really practical advice.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by ssh

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka? It has some really practical advice.

Yes I have and yes it helped, but we need a bigger resolution. This is the best idea we have had for her. She was the extroverted challenging child, she needs someone all the time, she wakes up and is just on, she doesn't nap(hasn't consistently since 18 months)-she is a full on firecracker force to be reckoned with at times-and frankly I'm t.i.r.e.d. of battling her at times, this seems like the most concrete solution to these repetitive issues.

Her issues are: ignoring basic requests, like don't(tackle, feed, hurt) your brother. Also she needs to sleep in her own bed, because sleeping with us is making none of us get sleep. They aren't huge problems, but enough to make daily tasks with her a BIG problem.

I would do a big reward probably once a month or something, like getting to go get ice cream or something else we never do, but I'm not setting her up for that reward-it would be a surprise type thing like the PP mentioned.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

I would do a big reward probably once a month or something, like getting to go get ice cream or something else we never do, but I'm not setting her up for that reward-it would be a surprise type thing like the PP mentioned.

like LynnS6 mentioned, it is far better to start with smaller, more immediate rewards then work up to a big reward, or better, give her a choice: "Would you like to buy something with the stickers you have earned so far right now, or save them for a big surprise later this month?"

Once a month is an awfully long time for a 4 year old to anticipate a reward. At that age, one day is probably max; I'd go for reinforcement every four hours (morning, afternoon, evening) to be most effective.

[astra]

We bought a dry erase calendar that we hang on the fridge. It was worked very well for my spirited boy! He helps fill out the calendar each month, and it has helped a lot with him knowing what to expect each day.

We decide what he would like for a "big reward" at the end of the month (see a movie at the movie theater, go to the zoo, visit daddy at work, I let him pretty much decide what it is, within reason) And he gets small rewards too when he has several good days (now that he's 5 we do 5 in a row). This is a tiny thing like a lollipop, redbox movie or something like that) For good behavior he can draw a check on the calendar. I reward the checks a lot!! But I also take them away if needed. (always warn him about it before hand).

This has worked very well for us!

[TiredX2]

Moved to Gentle Discipline

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

like LynnS6 mentioned, it is far better to start with smaller, more immediate rewards then work up to a big reward, or better, give her a choice: "Would you like to buy something with the stickers you have earned so far right now, or save them for a big surprise later this month?"

Once a month is an awfully long time for a 4 year old to anticipate a reward. At that age, one day is probably max; I'd go for reinforcement every four hours (morning, afternoon, evening) to be most effective.

I don't think anyone is reading what I am saying, she'd get a small reward, like a sticker or something-DAILY, a larger reward once in awhile, I'm not making it about the larger reward, which I stated several times. We are starting small and working toward bigger things.

[LynnS6]

I think the daily sticker idea is a good one - though you might want to consider doing it morning/afternoon for awhile. If she has as little impulse control as you indicate, it's going to be hard for her to go all day at first.

After about 2 weeks, she's going to get bored with the stickers, that's when an intermediate thing to build up to is useful. Once a month is probably too distant. Heck, I can't plan for something a month in advance!

Another thought I had: Friends of mine used a marble jar with success (since you've got another little one you might want to use big ones). Every time a goal is met, they add a marble to the jar. When the jar is full, they got the reward. (Make sure the jar isn't too big!)

This could be combined with a sticker chart; if you're working on stopping something when asked, you could have her earn a marble each time she does it. So, she might get 6 marbles in a morning. She can also get a sticker. Seeing the marbles build up makes it more tangible for a lot of kids.

And Behaviorism has taught us that the most effective reward system is intermittent. If you reward something every time (or never), the behavior tends to disappear. If you reward it sometimes, but not others, the thrill stays. (It's the entire science behind gambling and it's why gambling is so addictive. If gamblers lost/won all the time, they'd quit.) So as your daughter gains these skills, you should probably move to an intermittent reward system (aka 'catching her' being good).

[Norasmomma]

I like the marble idea, but with my son IDK if that would be a good thing to use, if one got dropped or something he may find it and try to eat it, even with larger ones I'm not really comfortable with that.

My idea was a box where she got to fish out her reward, so it would be a big surprise and an unknown. I do think that a day is actually fine for her, she has a whip of a memory, but at times she just chooses to go down the path of drama(like her mama. Things are actually better than they used to be, at 2.5 she was pure hell, I was pg with our son and sick, sick, sick, soooo it was very hard for me to effectively parent her.

The last month or 2 have been a large transitional month for her(and our whole family), my DH went back to work, I started working, our son is now extremely mobile and into her "stuff". It has been a doozy. There were no problems with the sibling dynamic, until he started being mobile, then it just hit the fan.

Personally for her I do think something solid for her to visualize is the best way to tackle the issues at hand, she is very visual and for her having something to see what is expected is better then just saying it(a hundred times).

If this doesn't work I guess we'll try something else

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

I don't think anyone is reading what I am saying, she'd get a small reward, like a sticker or something-DAILY, a larger reward once in awhile, I'm not making it about the larger reward, which I stated several times. We are starting small and working toward bigger things.

Oh I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I think the difference here is that you see the sticker as a reward, and I'm just looking at the sticker as a counter or a token, like money, something that you spend but not a reward in and of itself.

If she likes stickers, that might work fine.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Oh I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I think the difference here is that you see the sticker as a reward, and I'm just looking at the sticker as a counter or a token, like money, something that you spend but not a reward in and of itself.

If she likes stickers, that might work fine.

I think I might have also misunderstood, yeah I would use it as a token. I just want to her to have something tangible to get for her appropriate behavior. If she gets enough tokens, then she could get a bigger surprise or something, right now though we just need to work on the now. I really don't want to make it about something big, we all need to work on what is going on now and what we as a family can do to help make her understand what is expected of her

[LaughingHyena]

We use a pom pom jar from time to time. Each child had a jar and I got a bag of small craft pom poms. When they did something extra helpful or behaved well we gave them a pom pom to put in the jar. In the beginning we would exchange the pom poms for treats after dinner but as they got used to the system we stretched it out a bit.

It worked well for us since we were not interested in a chore chart and I don't remember to do the sticker for every couple of hours you were good. This gave me a way to respond quickly in a situation and to keep my calm when things were not going well eg if you do not have your shoes on in the next minute you will not get your pom pom for getting ready for school.

I will say that while it worked well it only lasted a few weeks, however that was enough for us to build some good habits. We have used it a couple of times.

[bonamarq]

I was going to post something similar to the person who suggested the pom pom jar - I use a marble jar and daughter LOVES to get the marbles, count how many she has earned, and looks forward to the bigger reward we have already mutually agreed upon.

I think concrete rewards are great for teaching new habits as a pp said - but they should be faded as the skill is mastered (and let the child know this up front) and then you can move on to something else if needed. I think the problems with rewards come when a child develops an expectation for a reward for doing any little thing, and this can easily happen.

We rewarded dd for putting silverware away for several weeks - now it's just her responsibility - during transitionar periods we have done things like "do it without being asked and get a reward - if we need to tell you (after the silverware has been sitting on the counter for two hours) then no marble this time

the marble/pom pom jar makes it easy to reward ANY positive behavior you see - and if she really makes an effort or has done something we especially like we give her more than one - always being sure that we are very specific about what she did, why we liked it - and after reading mindset I try to be especially focused on her EFFORTS - and she has really responded. DD is an only child and 6.5 BTW