impossible 7 year old? or am I depressed?

[velveeta]

I just had my third baby, a little girl after two boys, aged 3 and 7.

My 7 yr old has always been a real challenge for me. Honestly, he would be a challenge for a saint. We homeschool. He's a very sensitive boy, and has always asked to homeschool -- I mean, who asks for that as a preschooler? He has never wanted to leave me. I used to think it was because of my sensitivities that he was this way. But, I have a 3 yr old boy who is just a happy peach most of the time. My big boy is so hard.

Some days, I feel I cannot go on. Taking care of a baby and my 7 yr old is just too much. My 3 yr old gets almost no attention, and he doesn't complain. He doesn't even nurse anymore! He weaned while I was pregnant. By contrast, I had to wean my oldest boy when he was almost 5 because of severe depression.

A friend lent me the book "Your Seven Year Old" by Louise Bates Ames. Those books are so good, and I am comforted by a lot of the info. But, Daniel is just beyond outer limits. Somedays, he takes things to such extremes, I feel I could have a heart attack. I don't want to put him in school -- I hope another homeschool mother will understand. But, I am so afraid I am going to lose it with him one day.

Daniel walks in his sleep every night; I do believe he has anxiety, but I just don't know what to do about it. He is intense in every activity he pursues. How can a child lose his marbles over legos? I don't know, but Daniel does.

We have to be doing activities constantly. Homeschool this and homeschool that. I am EXHAUSTED. And some days, I just want to stay home with my baby! And when the baby's needs or my toddler's need increase, of course, Daniel's needs increase exponentially. EXPONENTIALLY!

He is a very compassionate boy, and very sweet. But, sometimes, I swear, it can get really bad.

Every night after the kids go to sleep, there I am, crying to my husband about how terrible I feel for yelling at Daniel or for not giving him enough of myself during the day. I can't stand these ups and downs!

I am so miserable. We have a homeschool playday right now, and I don't have the energy to go. It is hot and I know I will end up nursing my baby the whole time. I am touched out for the day and it is only 2 o' clock!!

I don't know what to do.

I can't even just let the kids veg out with TV because Daniel flips out when I turn it off. I feel like he is running our house.

[madskye]

You sound tapped out. I'm sorry you're hurting.

But, reading your post I couldn't help but wonder what is Daniel's support network beyond yourself? Can you help him foster friendships and relationships with others that would help your relationship with each other? I would be resentful if I were in your shoes, because in part it sounds like he's unwilling to be a 7 year old and is still playing the role of a dependent 3 year old. (That is just my thought from the snapshot you wrote--it might be totally off base)

You can't be EVERYTHING to everybody, you know? Does he have a "best friend" other than you? Could you encourage that? Would you be comfortable with him becoming more independent?

[lolar2]

He sounds like me at 7-- right after my family had moved thousands of miles to escape some rather dangerous persecution. I was very anxious. Eventually my parents sent me to therapy for anxiety when I was 9 or 10, and it helped tremendously. It didn't take long, maybe a few months at most, and then I was basically fine. Anxiety can also be inborn/ genetic. Has he ever been to any therapy?

[velveeta]

Thanks for your thoughts, Ladies. I have taken Daniel to sessions for neurofeedback and for color/light therapy. Also, I treat him myself with EFT, which has helped to a certain extent.

I agree that Daniel is more dependent than a 7 yr old should be. I would think that it is my parenting if my 3 yr old weren't so well adjusted. Daniel has always needed *more* of everything. In a usual week, we do about four big activities for the five day week. Two are more or less all day activities that don't vary in terms of participants (regular homeschool groups), one day will be errands outside the home and one day is usually a fun day with one or two friends (and one or two moms for me to visit with). The last day I reserve to catch up on housework, which the children participate in, as well.

Now, that is an ideal week. Sometimes Baby Lucie doesn't nap at all, and I end up holding her in the sling until I am quite sore. At that point, I just lay her on the bed and lay next to her (like today).

If I have to miss one of our weekly activities (like today, big homeschool playday), Daniel just torments his brother all day. I do think it has a tremendous amount to do with our changing family dynamic (new baby).

Although the anxiety... that seems like it is always there.

Also, other kids really like him, and he does great with them.

I had to have an emergency c-section, and the children were totally caught off guard. I had never left them before (I had two previous homebirths), and I still think there is some residual trauma for all of us from that. I had to leave the two boys with my mother who is not incredibly nurturing. For example, after I left for the hospital, my 3 yo (Peter) went to hide in the closet and he wouldn't come out. He cried and cried until my DH came home several hours later. I cam home from the hospital the day after my surgery b/c the boys were so frightened.

My DH feels we are over it by now, but I am not so sure...

[lonegirl]

Where is DH in all this? Do you have a friend or relative that the kids could stay with for even a couple hours?

For your sanity...you need a break. For your parenting ability....you need a break. For your children's sake...you need a break. Seriously.

Has your son made any friends in HS groups? Could he go there for a couple hours for a change of scenery and a break for you?

All the best.

[dahlialia]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to chime in that my 7 y/o is similar. Sleepwalks, still wakes at night, has big meltdowns over little things, needs a lot of attention. I love her to the ends of the earth and back, but I personally couldn't even comprehend homeschooling her.

I am home with the baby for the summer, and DD is scheduled for daycamps while she is off school. She and I both know that she would be unhappy here. She will have days off, where we can have family fun days, but to be here day in and day out would not work for either of us.

I'm not saying you shouldn't homeschool. I just know it's not an easy path with a high intensity, high needs kid. I feel for you.

Edited to add:
I don't know that the sleepwalking is anxiety. It's fairly common in kids, without anxiety.

my younger brother and i both were of this temperament, too. and we are both very creative/artistic as adults. IDK if there is something in that.