Keep getting pulled back in...former DSS

[Halfasianmomma]

I'm not really sure if this pertains to this specific subforum...Mods, please move if it doesn't.

I'm recently divorced from XH and I haven't been in contact with his son, my former DSS, for several months now. Subsequent to our separation, XH encouraged me to have contact with DSS and even asked me to take him to my parents' place a few nights a week, conceivably so he could go out late at night and drink. It didn't last very long because it is a long commute for DSS and because, during our custody-related arguments, XH forbade me to speak with DSS, saying that I was going to poison his mind against him, and use him as amunition in a custody case. Apparently, DSS' mother agreed with this, and though it broke my heart, I stepped away from DSS. A few weeks later, XH texted me to beg me to get back in touch with DSS, saying that he'd broken into his son's email and facebook page, and found various things that lead him to believe that DSS is gay. It freaked him out and he begged for my help in "keeping an eye on DSS". I squarely refused to do this because I know that no sooner would I have re-established contact with DSS that XH would yank him back out of my life, threatening a law suit once again. I just didn't want to deal with the madness.

I still feel terribly guilty for "leaving DSS behind", because when I left, I promised him I wouldn't abandon him. But my relationship with XH got so bad during the custody and divorce stuff that I just couldn't keep my promise.

Lately--on top of being told by my former superintendant that DSS looks ill and depressed, I've been receiving calls from DSS' school, since they've got me on their emergency list if DSS is absent or ill. I've repeatedly told them that I'm not in DSS' life any longer due to having divorced his father, but they can NEVER reach XH so they call me. The first two calls were due to DSS being absent when XH moved; I guess he needed some manual labour to help with the move so he yanked his teenage son out of school. The last two calls this afternoon were due to DSS feeling very ill while writing his finals; the office tried to call XH on his call, which has been disconnected and XH isn't picking up at work. Last I heard, XH might have lost his job, but I can't confirm that.

Ugh. I dunno. I keep trying to step away from this, and life or whatever keeps yanking me back in. I wish there was something I could do for DSS but I feel as though my hands are tied. He probably hates my guts right now due to being told all kinds of things about me.

This sucks.

[Teenytoona]

no advice, but I'm so sorry. My heart would be broken having to deal with something like this.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm so sorry.

I'm not going through anything near as bad... but part of me is dealing with major guilt for walking away from DSD too. I've already gave in to STBX and her tagging along on a family outing to a park with my DD and I and my parents... and I was annoyed the whole time that STBX had to walk next to me and talk to me.

I really don't want to be around him at all right now anymore than pick up and drop offs of DD.

DSD's Mom and I have an very up and down relationship... I tried calling her last week to talk to her about things and see if we can get the girls together so I don't have to deal with STBX to still see DSD, but she never returned my call.

It is a tough place to be in... but I can honestly say, I am so releived to not have to deal with DSD drama anymore... And I still feel awful for saying that.

[lilyka]

How old is your dss? He sounds plenty old enopugh to decide who his friends are and if he wants to have contact with you. Can you just him your phone number and say call me some time?

[Theia]

Why does the school call DSS father and then you? Why isn't DSS's Mom on the emergency contact list? Poor boy, it sounds like he needs someone, but I agree that it's not worth the drama if you have to do it through XH. Can DSS keep in contact with you via email or phone, if he wants to?

[Halfasianmomma]

DSS is now 13, but his father keeps him under tight control. He's got no friends that I know of, and here in Montreal, he's got no family whatsoever. There's no landline at home, just XH's cell phone, which is now disconnected, and DSS' cell does not accept calls, only text messages. XH changed that number so that I wouldn't be able to contact him.

I had given DSS all my numbers, but if he's unable to call, then they are of little use to him. Besides, his father controls his every move.

DSS' mother is not on the emergency contact list because XH made it that way. He purposefully leaves her info out, saying that it's too much of a hassle since she lives in another province. He's also recently kicked his own mother and sisters out of his life, saying that they "betrayed him" for siding with me during the separation (i.e. they kept in touch with me). He systematically isolates himself but his son suffers the consequences of this isolation.

[RollerCoasterMama]

It sounds heartbreaking for your DSS. But it doesn't sound like there's anything you can do. If you did do anything when the school called, it sounds like there would be extreme drama. It's always frustrating/heartbreaking when the child is hurt by the parent's choices. If you tried to do anything it might make things worse. I was going to say email or FB, but if XH is looking at DSS's accounts, that's not a viable option either.

[*MamaJen*]

It's heartbreaking and I wish I had some good advice for you.
I've heard a lot of women talk about wanting to stay in an abusive relationship to protect their stepkids. But truly, you have to protect yourself and your own baby first. You can't protect someone else if you can't protect yourself first -- you have to put on your own oxygen mask first. And you're doing that.
I wonder, is there any way that your ex's mother or sisters could get back in his life and reach out to DSS? I know your ex cut them off, but I'm sure he'll find something he wants from them before long and let them back in.
It seems like the single best thing that could happen is if DSS went to live with his grandmother or aunts. I feel so bad for that kid, growing up with such a messed up alcoholic abuser of a father. But at least your daughter won't have to endure the same thing.

[Halfasianmomma]

MamaJen...that's what I think I'll do. I wrote to XH's half-sister on Facebook and she immediately responded by asking me for the school's contact information. I don't know if she'll be able to do anything, but it's worth a shot. I also know that XH's mother is planning to go visit the province in the summer and that she's on good terms with DSS' mother, so perhaps she can intervene somehow. I'll call her tonight and tell her what's going on. She was already quite concerned when I mentioned all the crap I heard from the superintendant about DSS.

If only DSS would just ask to live in Ontario...then he'd be with his mother, near her family and his paternal cousins/uncles/aunties. It's the best thing that could happen to him, but I'm not sure he's got it in him to defy this father...yet. Perhaps in a few years, when the adolescent hormones take over, he'll be able to voice his request.

Until then, I wrote him a long letter that I plan on sending to him when he is of age. It's more for my sake than his and I doubt anything will ever come of it, but I need the words to be said.

[lilyka]

Oh, he is still very young. I keep a pretty tight leash on my 13 year old too and know exactly who she is talking to on facebook and on her phone. bummer.

I hope everything can work out for him.