Almost 4 yr old biting!

[cheeselady]

I can't figure out what's going on with my almost 4 yr old. He's been chewing on plastic things a lot and now, when he's mad, he's been biting his brother. He even bit me on the leg once because I was ignoring him and talking to friends.

Has anyone had this happen and what did you do?

Thanks!

Caroline, mom to August (12/14/03) and Ronan (9/13/06)

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I personally think four is too old for biting. He understands that this hurts and it's not OK. He understands that it wouldn't be OK for another kid to bite him, yet he seems to think it's OK for him.

But, he's obviously dealing with some kind of frustration. When you are frustrated or even really excited, you sorta want to bite something or someone. I think it's a natural desire. And, biting feels good to the biter. We just don't allow ourselves to bite because the other person tends to dislike it. A lot.

I think I'd demand he stop biting, but I'd work on what is bothering him. Is he uncomfortable? Itchy? Is there anything that might be making him feel physically frustrated? You know when your pants are too tight, or your clothes are itching you, you get crabby and easily frustrated. You might snap at someone and then feel bad. Things that wouldn't bother you normally will make you angry because you are uncomfortable anyway.

I don't know what is bothering him, or what to do about it. But, I think if you can figure out what the real problem is, he will stop biting.

[chaoticzenmom]

Your 4yo needs some emotional words to use before he bites. I had to do that with my 4yo when he would bite or scratch his older siblings. Now, he says "I'm so mad, I want to bite you/her/him!" instead of biting. It's his way of dealing with his emotions. Putting it into words for himself so he can have some control over it.

Also, he needs to have resources available to him for when things get rough. You are his main resource, so be available when he needs help. If he's fighting with his sibling, be there and help him empower himeself. If sibling is holding one of his toys hostage, for example, explain to her (in his presence) that doing that to someone smaller and less powerful is very cruel and can make them feel desperate and angry. Talk about power in relationships and that kind of thing. Also, don't ask "How would you feel?" You would just say "You would feel very angry and sad if someone took your toy and wouldn't give it back." and then have them give the toy back. If you can't figure out who has the right to have the toy/game/whatever, then take it away for a few minutes while you all discuss it. It has to be out of anyone's hand in order for anything to be heard.

My kids get along really well (mostly) and I think it's because we do have those discussions a lot. I try not to ignore it when one of them comes to me for help.

Biting is something you do when you've run out of options and you're so overwhelmed and frustrated that you can't control yourself.
Good luck.
Lisa

[cheeselady]

Thanks for the suggestions. I will try to have a talk with ds#2 tomorrow about his feelings and biting. He's such a stubburn kid, that sometimes I'm really at wit's end with him. He and his brother usually get along great, but when the fighting comes it's usually over possesions. I'm the youngest of five by a lot, so I am totally not used to fights over things. My siblings were so much older that we didn't share much.

The day he bit me, I was talking to a friend and he got fussy about wanting to leave when I was talking to another adult after school. He started to bite me again today, on the shoulder, when he really wanted to leave a place and I was talking. I understand recognizing that he's tired and trying to get going, but I also think that's old enough to understand waiting.

His wonderful Waldorf preschool teacher also teaches parenting classes. I may ask her advice on this one, since she knows him very well. He's a tough 3 year old and really testing my patience the past year!

Caroline
mom to August (12/14/03) and Ronan (9/13/06)

[momshelper]

Biting aswell as hitting, kicking, punching and screaming are all normal behaviour for toddlers and are to do with frustration at not being able to express their emotions verbally. Its not something abnormal but it is something that needs to be stopped.

The poster that mentioned using emotional words when the biting urge comes on him has a great idea. Children need help to define their emotions and then guidance with how to express them.

When biting other children, distraction from the situation can work wonders as can trying to anticipate a biting moment and avoiding it. This may mean modifying your behaviour for a time ie stopping what you are doing at the time and giving him attention but only to come down to his level and explain what is happening "mom is talking just now and we will do x in a moment but right now could you go and get x ready..." something like that and slowly introduce the idea that it is ok for him to wait. This isn't giving in to him.

Remember that children need guidance and support to learn social interaction.

Hope this helps and the biting stops soon