I am this close to giving up ideal part time job to stay home with my DS full time...am I making... - Page 2

[scottishmommy]

It seems like you don't want to WOHM. So don't! I'm sure another job oportunity will come about in the future, but I'm optimistic like that.

[ledzepplon]

I love being a SAHM, too. I used to do some freelance work from home in the field I loved, but I felt like the stress of it was taking away from my enjoyment of my kids and family. I totally don't regret not working right now.

The way I look at it is, you are replaceable at any job--except as mother. And I doubt I'm going to look back and regret not spending more time working instead of more time with my children.

It does sound like a good job, perhaps there will be a similar situation once your dc is older?

[Three~Little~Birds]

Originally Posted by robynholly

I LOVE being a SAHM....I look forward to each day at home with my ds. I don't miss work at all. I feel like I am a different person now that I have had my son and my new self just wants to stay home. From the bottom of my heart....thank you for all your help!!!!!

I think that you answered your own question, right here.

You never know where life will take you and what opportunities will be available, BUT you do know what you'll be missing at home. Follow your heart, I don't think that you'll regret it

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by robynholly

I think I may be the one that posted a few weeks ago. I am a kindergarten teacher and I would work from 8:30-11:30 M-F. As far as the job goes...it is as close to perfect as it gets...I only live 5 minutes from my work. I wanted to get in part time because I thought it would be a nice balance between work and home. But I am so madly in love with my child. I just can't leave him...he is 17 months old and we have been together every second. I am thinking now that I want to resign from a job most would kill for...a job I've had for 10 years and know well. Why do these babies change everything? I want to go to story time and mommy and me gym class and do it all. I don't have anyone to watch my baby next year and truth be told....I can't imagine anyone being "good enough". I just need help sorting this out.

Babies do change everything, like you said. Before having my child, I was totally career focused. It seemed like the right thing, what I'd been trained for, and economically the best bet for my family. Plus, I liked being a part of a larger mission.

With a child, though, I'm torn. It is so darn hard. I stayed at home for two years. That was full of long days and sleepless nights due to having a young one, but it was so much easier than working and raising a child at the same time. I know some people find working invigorating. I don't. I find it draining. Maybe it depends on the career you're in.

I am so tired all of the time. When I was a stay-at-home mom I wasn't this tired. And my dishes and laundry were done most of the time. And I really did enjoy having the freedom to take my child to the baby and me type story hours, play groups, and outings. Or if it was a nice day, we could go to the park.

Now, I can't do any of that. We don't belong to any playgroups anymore and I've found that almost all kids' activities (at least the free ones like at the library) are scheduled during the working day. There is almost nothing at night or on the weekends (huge pet peeve of mine).

I've worked as a childless woman. I've stayed home full time with a child. And I've worked while raising a child. I rank them this way from hardest to easiest:

Working and raising a child simultaneously (hardest for me).
Working without a child (Not as hard).
Staying home with a child (Easiest for me, but not easy).

I should say that up until recently I mainly worked part time (20 to 30 hours per week) in a professional setting. It was, I suppose, a dream part time job. Good pay. Great benefits. Professional and in my field. Pretty good flexibility. Interesting. Something I believed in strongly.

But I felt very torn, exhausted, and overwhelmed by the responsibilities of work and home.

Now I work more on hours bordering full time. It is way too darn hard and I feel like collapsing, literally, almost every day. I don't have a good support system at all though. Virtually absent inlaws. A husband who doesn't contribute much and works long hours and who thinks I just don't work hard enough. And no parents/grandparents to turn to. I do have a few friends. I don't know...it's just so hard without an adequate support system. But single mothers do it all the time, and I've been hanging in there for going on a couple of years now. So, it can be done, and in this economy, as someone else said, it does make a lot of sense to hold on to a professional job.

But, yes, babies certainly change everything.

I, too, recommend the good old fashioned pro-con list. Good luck with your decision!

Originally Posted by neveryoumindthere

oooooh that sounds like a DREAM! I would LOVE to get out of the house for 3-4 hours. I'd come home to my kids totally refreshed and energized!!!

I've never understood this. I know many mothers say this, or think this, but I've not found it true for me. I have one of those dream jobs. It's something in my field and something I really believe in. But I come home on the brink of exhaustion, not refreshed and energized. Having a day off from work where I can still utilize day care, though, and get things done and ticked off my list? That refreshes and energizes me!

Originally Posted by lach

I SAH, and I love SAHing, and I'm very glad I have the opportunity to SAH. When I quit my job to SAH I felt like a huge load had been lifted from my shoulders and I couldn't imagine being happier.

And that's why your story raises a red flag to me

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade SAHing for anything. But I also didn't really like my job, and my career wasn't very family friendly, and I was very good at what I did but I never woke up thinking "yay! time to go to work!" I just really wanted to stay home with my kids.

I think that it's normal to have doubts, but I think that if you really have a nagging voice in your head telling you that you would love this job, then you should take it.

(Also, 17 month olds are adorable. When he hits 3, you'll be begging for some time away and some intellectual stimulation besides "why? why? why? why?")

(Just kidding)

(Sort of)

Have you made a good, old-fashioned pro/con list? Single sheet of notebook paper, line down the middle, pros on the left side and cons on the right side? It's simple, but I always find it an effective way to really see on paper the issues that I'm dealing with.

Yeah. I have to agree with this. I too liked working and was/am successful in my career. But I'd choose to stay at home, if I could. I did for two years, and while it wasn't fantastic mainly due to the way my husband acted and contributed, it was way more managable than now when I am back to working full time.

[robynholly]

Thank you That is nice....I feel like you put my feelings into words. I chose to stay home and couldn't be happier. I also never understood the comment about working a couple hours a day and feeling refreshed to get out of the house and have adult contact. I guess part of the struggle was understanding the new me...the me that is a mom....the me that is happiest being with my darling little boy all day. I understand how you feel about not having support...I have a bit more than you but not much. It is hard, but we are doing it and I will always feel good about the fact that I was there with my child. Thanks again!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by robynholly

Thank you That is nice....I feel like you put my feelings into words. I chose to stay home and couldn't be happier. I also never understood the comment about working a couple hours a day and feeling refreshed to get out of the house and have adult contact. I guess part of the struggle was understanding the new me...the me that is a mom....the me that is happiest being with my darling little boy all day. I understand how you feel about not having support...I have a bit more than you but not much. It is hard, but we are doing it and I will always feel good about the fact that I was there with my child. Thanks again!

Thank you! You raise a good point..."I will always feel good about the fact that I was there with my child."

Me, too.

I resigned from a pretty good job following maternity leave. And stayed home for 2 years, which basically coincided with the time I breastfed my child. A few months after weaning, I returned to work.

I had deliberately saved up ahead of time (quite a large sum) before I had a baby. That was possible to do for the first (and my only child). I would not be able to repeat it with a second or additional child (big reason, I guess, why I have only one child).

It was basically my "get DH off my back so he won't complain I am not working while I take time to breastfeed and attachment parent" account. DH never wanted me to stay at home for any length of time but, well, he couldn't say too much about it when we had a wad of cash in our bank account that I had saved deliberately for years. Money talks with him.

When the money was gone, he made it very clear, many, many times that his intention when he married me was that we would both always work. He didn't really make that clear when we dated and lived together prior to marriage, nor in the time of nearly a decade after the wedding before the first and only pregnancy. He had a stay-at-home mother himself growing up and he said that he valued that and he'd make it work for one of us to stay home. But he thought I was devoted to my career and that I would never test him on that so I think it was really a blank promise to make him sound and look more sensitive than he really was.

For DH, having a baby changed nothing about his attitude that we both will always work. DH doesn't link parenting and providing or marriage or providing. He has no desire to ever take care of another adult financially and says it all the time. He also doesn't have the capacity to really help me balance two careers and parenting, either, which is my ongoing problem with him.

I can't really fault him too much for the second, except for his attitude on the first. Many men in his field work long hours and don't have much flexibility. But they have stay-at-home mothers because of that, by and large. So, DH's attitude with his chosen career and work habits really stinks.

I mean, if he had that attitude but also had a very flexible job with adequate vacation and time off, I'd probably be able to live with it a little better.

It's the nothing plus nothing = nothing equation he gives our family that makes things so tense.

But, yes, having a baby changes everything, even women like me devoted to having a career and who really love their careers. I will always love my child (and myself) more than my career. And I have never for one second regretted staying at home for two years with my child. Never. I would have extended it longer if possible, but I did feel that it was time to jump back into the career or maybe it wouldn't be available to me as an option (resume obsolescence). Granted, that mattered all the more due to DH's attitude, but held merits on its own, too.

[clutterwarrior]

I understand so well that feeling of being so in love with your child...and let me tell you, no matter how perfect your job is, nothing is as valuable as this time with your child when he is young. You can never get that back!

When my third child was exactly 17 months old...he was diagnosed with cancer. I lost nearly a year of his life in many ways, as he was in and out of hospital constantly and when he was better later on, I felt a huge sense of loss, for having missed out on all that precious time with him. He went from being a baby to suddenly being a little boy, and we didn't notice because we were so busy saving his life.

I know that our story is very different from yours, but when I think back to my son being the age yours is now, I would want to go back and change history to spend every minute with him.

[robynholly]

That is nice...I am sorry to read about your situation. I have experienced parts of what you write about and I know it is not easy. I was supposed to go back to work when DS was 8 mos...a decision I made when I was pregnant. When my baby was born it changed everything and most importantly it changed me. My husband had a really hard time with the fact that I had changed my mind and wanted to take more time off. It caused a lot of tension in our relationship for a long time, but I didn't care. I knew staying home was the right thing to do for our child, me and our family. I just needed to make my husband see that. My DH is also driven by money. All he cared about was the fact that we wouldn't have as much if I didn't go back to work. Now he sees that me being home is a wonderful thing, but it took us a while to get there.
Does you husband understand that he is not just supporting you , but you and your child and that it's not like he is working all day and you are sitting at home doing nothing. Motherhood changes everything and it really changed me. The job that I did love didn't mean as much anymore...my DH had trouble understandng this too. In life, people grow and change. We are all allowed to change our minds about things. It doesn't seem like your husband gets that. I am sorry if I am being harsh....this is all bringing me back. I felt like I was fighting for my life...fighting for a life at home with my baby. My DH is happy that I am home now....we'll see how things go next year when I resign from my job, but I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I hope you know how strong and amazing you are...your child is so lucky to have you for a mom!!!

[robynholly]

Thank you for sharing your story Clutterwarrior...I can't imagine what you went through. You are absolutely right...you don't get the time back and it is so important to cherish every second!! Thank you again.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by clutterwarrior

I understand so well that feeling of being so in love with your child...and let me tell you, no matter how perfect your job is, nothing is as valuable as this time with your child when he is young. You can never get that back!

When my third child was exactly 17 months old...he was diagnosed with cancer. I lost nearly a year of his life in many ways, as he was in and out of hospital constantly and when he was better later on, I felt a huge sense of loss, for having missed out on all that precious time with him. He went from being a baby to suddenly being a little boy, and we didn't notice because we were so busy saving his life.

I know that our story is very different from yours, but when I think back to my son being the age yours is now, I would want to go back and change history to spend every minute with him.

Your post has really stuck with me the last few days.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by robynholly

My husband had a really hard time with the fact that I had changed my mind and wanted to take more time off. It caused a lot of tension in our relationship for a long time, but I didn't care. I knew staying home was the right thing to do for our child, me and our family. I just needed to make my husband see that. My DH is also driven by money. All he cared about was the fact that we wouldn't have as much if I didn't go back to work. Now he sees that me being home is a wonderful thing, but it took us a while to get there.
Does you husband understand that he is not just supporting you , but you and your child and that it's not like he is working all day and you are sitting at home doing nothing. Motherhood changes everything and it really changed me. The job that I did love didn't mean as much anymore...my DH had trouble understandng this too.

Thanks Robynholly.

I don't think my husband will ever change on this issue.

My "baby" is now a pre-schooler nearly ready for kindergarten. So, it's been a few years since the birth. And DH maintains that he does not ever want to be a sole provider, that I must always work, no matter what, and that I need to get used to it and stop bringing up any alternative.

My husband really sees a provider dad with a stay-at-home mom focused on the kids as a quote "sugar daddy." He has said so many times to me - which I find so offensive - that he never signed up to be a sugar daddy and I can just stop thinking about that as an option.

On the other hand, I feel that my husband does not support me in my career either. He works long hours at work, some necessary, some not. I swear to you I suspect he stays longer at work to have some down time. He also doesn't get very much time off period and never has asked for unpaid leave. He pretty much works all year except for a couple of paid holidays here and there.

He didn't take paternity leave and didn't even look into it.

He didn't really try to line up any help for us after the baby was born/I had a c-section. His mother was supposed to come and help, but she stayed for two days then told us she'd forgotten to reschedule an appointment and also had plane tickets booked for a trip later that month so she couldn't help.

And I feel like I've been treading water ever since, for about 5 years now.

It's exhausting.

It is very hard for me to work and raise my child. Maybe some women find the break away from the child while at work to be invigorating, but I do not, generally. Yes, I love my career very much (always have), and genuinely like my boss and co-workers and spending time with them, and I like having a purpose outside the home, too, and earning my own money and building a career and retirement. There are many good things about it. But it is hard and my child comes first above all those other things.

My child is special needs. Not to the point of requiring many services and therapies, but some services and therapies and we've had more appointments than most families. I've taken on 99% of those appointments, while working, too. DH makes a huge deal if he takes an appointment and wants so much credit for something that wouldn't be a big deal if I took it on, as I always do.

Having a special needs child makes things more complicated too...like grocery shopping, errands, etc. I am in tears nearly every time from the stress of taking my child to the grocery store, the clinic, the pharmacy. He is a runner, a bolter. He takes off and doesn't stop to watch for traffic or people. He is very self-contained and doesn't listen no matter what the consquences imposed (gentle discipline or otherwise). He has major ADHD and sensory processing disorder. So, after I've worked a long day at work, I pick up my child, hear from his daycare teachers all the challenges he had during the day and the time outs he got, and then I attempt to run an errand or two, and it's usually a discipline disaster, and then we go home, make dinner, clean up, do a load of laundry, and around 6 or 7 pm my DH straggles in, gives our child a bath and everyone goes to bed. Repeat 365 days a year. It's exhausting. Yes, my husband does give our child a bath and puts him to bed, but that was a major discussion and compromise that resulted in that little contribution.

I pretty much take care of everything else, and work on top of it, and I feel like DH thinks this is what having a child means.

If I ever start to map out changes, he says I'm unrealistic and that I obviously wasn't prepared for parenthood and to be more realistic, please.

If I point out others who perhaps have a dad with more time off or a mom or dad who stays home full time, he says that isn't "our reality," get used to it.

We're pretty much on the brink of divorce and have been for a while. If our house could sell in this market, I would have left. He's just not a parenting partner and he doesn't seem to care if I fail or collapse.

I really think my DH might have some issues with stay-at-home mothers. His mom stayed at home for quite a while when he was young, and he said he might have developed better social skills and work ethic if he'd had to go to school/daycare all those years. He said he would have probably been better off not being at home. DH was pretty complacent and says it was because he lacked confidence and was shy and didn't know how things worked. I think on some level he feels he was sheltered and a bit restricted with a stay-at-home mom and that daycare would have socialized him better.

Also, his family experienced a financial set back while his mother was a stay-at-home mom and then she had to go back to work, and the family did much better financially. I think this always stuck with DH that families are better off financially with two income earners rather than one. I think for like a couple of month period, his family had to go and get government cheese or something until his mother found work. It was never a huge financial hardship, they didn't lose the home they owned or anything like that, and there was always food on the table. But when his mother worked, his parents bought him and his brother many nice things like new cars and electronics during his teen years and this shaped DH's personality. He places a high value on electronics (tvs, video games, iPods, gaming consoles) and always has. He's gotten off the car thing a little, but when I met him that was very important to him (and not at all important to me and never has been).

I don't know - nurture? nature? It's hard to say. But I do feel this sentiment in DH informs his opinion that I'm better off working and our child is better off in daycare, even at a young age.

My husband has never been much of a hard worker or one to shoulder responsibility. He never wants to be the main breadwinner for our family. Ever.

But that isn't what he said before marriage or before having a baby. He talked much differently when I had a good career and I think it was because he wanted to appear to be more sensitive than he was and that he felt pretty confident that I would never want to give up my career (which I loved very much). DH is probably quite surprised that all this changed, as I always said it would, when I had a baby. Career comes second now and I'd be happy to be a stay-at-home mother if he were more supportive.

For him, it is about money and what he has to do. He doesn't want the responsibility. He once said, if I were on disability or something like that, I could stay home. If I am still bringing in money, I can do whatever I want. So, it really is about him not having to take on additional responsibility - either to balance the two careers or provide for the whole family. And he would never want to be a stay-at-home parent himself.

[provocativa]

That is Nice has inadvertently brought up a salient issue. If you have a great marriage, then it's okay to quit a good part time job. If your marriage gives you pause in any way, then keep the job. I totally regret giving up my part time wahm business, and have struggled to start another wah company. If I had kept that first business open, I would have been able to leave him much sooner.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by provocativa

That is Nice has inadvertently brought up a salient issue. If you have a great marriage, then it's okay to quit a good part time job. If your marriage gives you pause in any way, then keep the job. I totally regret giving up my part time wahm business, and have struggled to start another wah company. If I had kept that first business open, I would have been able to leave him much sooner.

Sad but true.

And, it's scary how quickly a decent marriage can sour, when there are differences of opinions on major life changes, such as having a baby and working.

What is best for my child, I am convinced, is for me to work not at all or to work very part time. My child is special needs (just posted about that) and has gone into some weird social behavior and stimming with increased hours at daycare. I feel like we're spiraling out of control, and my poor little boy is losing here.

My son has significant motor skill delays, and ADHD, and the two combined make him quite noticable as "different" at daycare and he's not fitting in too well with other kids and some kids are making fun of him and avoiding him. He is the only 4.5 year not potty trained (due to motor skills...can't even pull up and pull down elastic waists...). At home, he is usually much better with using the potty and letting me know, but at school he can't yet do those things himself and certainly not as fast as the other kids so he basically tries to hide it when he goes in his pants and then makes noises and other weird sounds to, I think, distract the issue.

It makes me so sad.

And while this is happening, DH is STILL insisting that I pull "my own weight" financially and not taking much or any time off himself to help care for our child and balance two careers.

So, yes, with a better marriage and more committed partner, I might be able to pull off the ideal part time job or quit entirely with little regret, but I am working close to full time when I know my little one needs me more only because of the state of my marriage and DH's attitude about pulling my own weight financially.