i have a very difficult relationship with my mother. she has a pretty significant drinking problem. she is also a narcissist. i have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out how to cope with her and the parallel universe in which she seems to live 90% of the time — the one where everyone in the world (including her children) persecute her.
that all said, she has moments where she is wonderful (on good days, when she's sober). i no longer look to her for any guidance or emotional support, knowing she's incapable of offering them to me. i just take the happy moments when i can. she loves my daughter, who my brothers call "mom prozac" because she seems to inspire something in my mom that we haven't ever seen — she seems to want to be a healthier person, though she can't get out of her own way. but that desire is a positive step. and my daughter really loves my mom.
i work outside the home a few hours a week. b/c of dp's schedule, my mom frequently watches dd at her house which is a huge help — her schedule is flexible, and dd loves being there so i can (usually) rest assured she's happy and ok. today i got to my mom's at 4 to drop off dd. as soon as i saw her i knew she'd been drinking — you could smell the vodka. this isn't uncommon, but she usually does most her drinking at night when she's alone, never when she is or will be alone with the baby. my younger brother was at the house (he's home for an extended visit after being away for 6 months) and he said she'd had a drink. every fiber of my being said not to leave my daughter there. my mom is a diabetic, and has been told not to drink. even if she's just tipsy, i worry that she may crash or something. it's one thing for her to put herself at risk, but quite another for her to put my baby at risk — of course she doesn't see it like that. no matter what the doctors have said, the specialists, her family, she thinks that it's "ok" for her to drink, she thinks it's safe.
so i asked her if she'd been drinking. and she said yes. she continued on to say she didn't see what the problem was, b/c i drink sometimes (the drinking to which she refers is the occasional beer or glass of wine with dinner). i simply stated that i am not a diabetic, drinking straight vodka before 3 in the afternoon when i have to babysit my granddaughter. i stayed calm, i picked up my daughter, told her to "say bye bye to grandma, say we'll see you tomorrow," and i went to leave. my mom continued to yell about how i'm not being fair, and i'm a hypocrite.... i calmly told her i refused to fight in front of the baby, and i left.
my brother got the worst of it. after i left she told him, among other things, that she knows he only came home to replace her... that he told me to take the baby away, that she wasn't fit... that he loves me more than her... that i took her granddaughter away because she is a ______ (she used a repulsive racial slur, which is highly inappropriate at all times but a particularly odd choice considering we are caucasian). clearly she's not right in the head.... but i feel awful, b/c now my brother, who did nothing, and who has gotten so little time with his niece, is thinking he wants to leave sooner rather than later, even though he was supposed to stick around for a month or two, because she's in paranoid victim mode. i can't say i blame him.
i realize that reading this you're probably wondering why i have any relationship with this woman at all, why i allow her around my child. when she behaves like this, i wonder the same thing. but it's hard to establish boundaries with her. damn near impossible. i've tried... i've tried limited contact, i've tried no contact. it just makes it worse. she doesn't hear things the way you say them. and b/c she's not operating on the same plane of reality as everyone else, the situation always just gets so twisted up and inside out that even i can't tell which way is up. but she's my mom, and she's sick. i'm resigned to just sort of handle it, as long as it doesn't affect my baby. and i'm proud of myself that i held that line tonight, that i didn't just convince myself it was ok so that i wouldn't have to upset her. she should be upset. she really f***ed up. but now i just don't know what to do....
i feel like i should call her tomorrow and ask her if she wants to talk about it. she always just pretends nothing happened after something like this... she freaks out, there's this huge emotional fallout, and then a couple days later she just acts as though it never was. and i can't do that. i feel like she needs to understand that she can be a drunk if that's what she wants to do, but she can't be a drunk and babysit my daughter. she deserves a chance to apologize, right? she's never drank before babysitting before....
i feel like a huge part of the problem is that no one in my family stands up to her. no one says "you're out of line." everyone just postures around her so as not to rock the boat. and her behavior has stolen far too many moments from me, and i know from my brothers, too. every holiday, every birthday, even my daughter's birth. i'm just fed up. it is always everyone else's fault, she's always the blameless victim. i've read books, i've gone to therapy, i feel like i've tried everything.... but tonight i feel like i really took a step and was a mother, not a co-dependent daughter. but now what??? i feel like i stepped in to lead some waltz and i don't know the steps.
that all said, she has moments where she is wonderful (on good days, when she's sober). i no longer look to her for any guidance or emotional support, knowing she's incapable of offering them to me. i just take the happy moments when i can. she loves my daughter, who my brothers call "mom prozac" because she seems to inspire something in my mom that we haven't ever seen — she seems to want to be a healthier person, though she can't get out of her own way. but that desire is a positive step. and my daughter really loves my mom.
i work outside the home a few hours a week. b/c of dp's schedule, my mom frequently watches dd at her house which is a huge help — her schedule is flexible, and dd loves being there so i can (usually) rest assured she's happy and ok. today i got to my mom's at 4 to drop off dd. as soon as i saw her i knew she'd been drinking — you could smell the vodka. this isn't uncommon, but she usually does most her drinking at night when she's alone, never when she is or will be alone with the baby. my younger brother was at the house (he's home for an extended visit after being away for 6 months) and he said she'd had a drink. every fiber of my being said not to leave my daughter there. my mom is a diabetic, and has been told not to drink. even if she's just tipsy, i worry that she may crash or something. it's one thing for her to put herself at risk, but quite another for her to put my baby at risk — of course she doesn't see it like that. no matter what the doctors have said, the specialists, her family, she thinks that it's "ok" for her to drink, she thinks it's safe.
so i asked her if she'd been drinking. and she said yes. she continued on to say she didn't see what the problem was, b/c i drink sometimes (the drinking to which she refers is the occasional beer or glass of wine with dinner). i simply stated that i am not a diabetic, drinking straight vodka before 3 in the afternoon when i have to babysit my granddaughter. i stayed calm, i picked up my daughter, told her to "say bye bye to grandma, say we'll see you tomorrow," and i went to leave. my mom continued to yell about how i'm not being fair, and i'm a hypocrite.... i calmly told her i refused to fight in front of the baby, and i left.
my brother got the worst of it. after i left she told him, among other things, that she knows he only came home to replace her... that he told me to take the baby away, that she wasn't fit... that he loves me more than her... that i took her granddaughter away because she is a ______ (she used a repulsive racial slur, which is highly inappropriate at all times but a particularly odd choice considering we are caucasian). clearly she's not right in the head.... but i feel awful, b/c now my brother, who did nothing, and who has gotten so little time with his niece, is thinking he wants to leave sooner rather than later, even though he was supposed to stick around for a month or two, because she's in paranoid victim mode. i can't say i blame him.
i realize that reading this you're probably wondering why i have any relationship with this woman at all, why i allow her around my child. when she behaves like this, i wonder the same thing. but it's hard to establish boundaries with her. damn near impossible. i've tried... i've tried limited contact, i've tried no contact. it just makes it worse. she doesn't hear things the way you say them. and b/c she's not operating on the same plane of reality as everyone else, the situation always just gets so twisted up and inside out that even i can't tell which way is up. but she's my mom, and she's sick. i'm resigned to just sort of handle it, as long as it doesn't affect my baby. and i'm proud of myself that i held that line tonight, that i didn't just convince myself it was ok so that i wouldn't have to upset her. she should be upset. she really f***ed up. but now i just don't know what to do....
i feel like i should call her tomorrow and ask her if she wants to talk about it. she always just pretends nothing happened after something like this... she freaks out, there's this huge emotional fallout, and then a couple days later she just acts as though it never was. and i can't do that. i feel like she needs to understand that she can be a drunk if that's what she wants to do, but she can't be a drunk and babysit my daughter. she deserves a chance to apologize, right? she's never drank before babysitting before....
i feel like a huge part of the problem is that no one in my family stands up to her. no one says "you're out of line." everyone just postures around her so as not to rock the boat. and her behavior has stolen far too many moments from me, and i know from my brothers, too. every holiday, every birthday, even my daughter's birth. i'm just fed up. it is always everyone else's fault, she's always the blameless victim. i've read books, i've gone to therapy, i feel like i've tried everything.... but tonight i feel like i really took a step and was a mother, not a co-dependent daughter. but now what??? i feel like i stepped in to lead some waltz and i don't know the steps.
Ok, not exactly. My mother didn't change when she had grandkids.
jk.....but oh the drama, I do not miss it! 
i appreciate the commiseration and advice — it's validating, which is so nice when dealing with these mommy issues, no?
