5.5-6 year age gap between kids?

[SweetPotato]

Our 4.5 yo dd has been intended to be any only (history of mmcs, pg bedrest- that drs say would NOT be repeated, difficult delivery)- but I have recently begun to really long for one more child. My dh is hesitant, because of all the myriad reasons that we've both been content with for so long. It's a little bit tough, because I feel like I can totally understand where he's coming from, but he's really having a hard time understanding how I'm feeling. Our life pretty much rocks right now-- dd was a horrible sleeper and very clingy, and the years of cosleeping, bf'ing, not having much time to ourselves is coming to an end. The transition to one child was a little rough for us, and there are somet hings that I would definitely plan to do differently, that I hope would make it easier. We're both strident environmentalists, and love the idea of a small family and all the opportunities that we and dd will have if we keep things as they are. I was just looking at going back to work pt (LOVE my field), and was struck by the feeling that I have my whole life to work- but only a short time left to have another healthy baby. I'm feeling a bit of the "now (maybe 6 months) or never"- and I just really feel like I'll have major regrets down the road if we don't have another. Anyway-- dh and I are going away for a couple of days to just be together and talk about this to try to come to some decision. I'd love some input from folks who have been where we are- about how the 2nd changed your life-- the good and the bad. I really want to make sure that I'm not painting too rosy of a picture in my own mind-- I want to be realistic about what we'd be up for.

I'd really love to hear from parents with kids this spacing-- how hard WAS it, going back to babydom after the relative freedom of having an older child? Do children this far apart still fight a lot? Are there things that are easier than you expected the second time around? Are there times when you feel like you've ruined your lives, even though you love the second to pieces (can you tell what I'm worried about?!)

Also- I'd like to kindly request that people NOT post telling me how much my dd NEEDS a sibling, how miserable onlies are, etc. I don't believe any of that, and it's really not relevant to our question of whether dh and I want to parent another child. Thanks!

[mamabutterfly]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

I was just looking at going back to work pt (LOVE my field), and was struck by the feeling that I have my whole life to work- but only a short time left to have another healthy baby. I'm feeling a bit of the "now (maybe 6 months) or never"- and I just really feel like I'll have major regrets down the road if we don't have another.

Your whole post kind of describes me exactly 3 years ago, but this part especially. You can peek ahead to my signature to see how it turned out for us, lol But I really was torn when we were at the point of having a 4/5 year old. Life with just dd was awesome, I agree. Plus the ease of life, enviro stuff, being finally out of the cosleeping, bfing (dd nursed for 4.5 years and I was kind of Ugh by the end). For me pregnancy and birth were kind of awesome and I did want to give birth one more time, so that was different. Also I was tugged not by a feeling that dd1 "needed a sibling in childhood" but for me the thought of her having that sibling in adulthood did fall into the "pros" column.

So the second baby was due the week the first turned 6 years old, so as to how that spacing has been - I tend to agree with the idea that there are pros and cons to every age difference. We haven't had traditional rivalry or fighting, our dd1 was able to understand and be thrilled by every bit of the pregnancy and baby phase. She actually was old enough to be a real help, and also to entertain herself really well when need be. I did feel I could still give dd2 the kind of one-on-one time I like to give a newborn, mostly.

Now having an 8 year old and a 2 year old is... maybe more challenging. DD1 has such a whole different life going on. I want dd2's toddlerhood to be as age-appropriate and ideal and her sister's was, and that's hard to do. But I am amazed at how passionately they adore each other and see that all of us are richer for having this other person in our life. I can't imagine life without dd2, of course. And I did go back to work, very happily, part time. DD2 is more independent from me a little, and happily so. Her infancy was worlds easier than dd1's, i was much more laid back and everything came more smoothly. Learning to breastfeed, babywear, agonizing over what to do at different stages, all of that was easier.

I am so glad we did the second when we did. It's hard to imagine a *larger* gap, let me put it that way, and I personally would have struggled with the regret of not having that other child. I am not saying you would, just what I felt. I want that "independence" back a little, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel even already, where dd2 will be ready for sleepovers at Grandma's in maybe a year, etc. Going from one to two wasn't like from zero to one. You are already parents, your world is different. I didn't think adding the baby was that different, honestly. Now that dd1 is 8, and so grown, almost a tween... well, it's a little heartbreaking, i'll be honest. Still having a little one in the house keeps the magic going for all of us, including her.

Good luck with the process. A weekend away sounds nice!!

[2goingon2]

My daughter was 5 in the April my son was born and turned 6 in July so they are spaced about 5 1/2 years apart. They are now 11 and almost 17. My husband at the time and I were thrilled with the one but something nagged at me too that we should have another. It was wonderful. I found that I missed having a little baby and having our daughter to ourselves for almost 6 years was wonderful too. She turned out to be very nurturing and protective of her little brother and showed no jealousy. She adored him. They are still very, very close. They also argue quite a bit too! I worry about my son when our daughter goes to college as he is very attached to her.

So, for us - it worked out perfectly. It gave us the chance to get to know our daughter and get her through the toddler-potty training-poor sleeping years and gave us a chance to catch our breath and welcome it all over again. For me, it was perfect spacing.

Good luck in your decision.

[summermommy2004]

I had my first child when I was 18 years old. My DH had his first son at 24 years old. I am now almost 25 and he will be 38 the end of the year. We just married last summer. My DD is 6 and his DS is 14. We are expecting our first child together in September.

I realize that this spacing is not at all ideal, but I'm actually really excited to be doing things again when I'm a bit more stable financially and in a stable relationship as well. My DD is very excited to have a sister or brother! And actually DSS is excited as well -- though his mother went on to have 2 girls after him so he's used to siblings.

[nutritionistmom]

Mine are seven yrs apart. The age gap has been great for us. Ods was just at an age where asking him to do things for himself made him feel empowered instead of slighted. He could also be more understanding when he had to wait a few minutes until I could get to him, if I was nursing, changing a diaper, etc. We haven't had much difficulty in the way of sibling rivalry either. They adore each other, ods loves to help and lets yds be one of the big kids when he's friends are over. They share pretty well. We let ods have his room be off limits, including having it locked during the day, because he has a huge lego collection that he's put a lot of time into and doesn't want ruined.
When yds coslept, ods would periodically want to sleep with us too. I'd roll my eyes, he'd hop in for 10 mins, complain it was too hot and go back to his own bed. He just wants to feel welcome too, you know?
I can't really speak to regret. We always knew we would have a second (because it was dh's first), but we did have to make peace with the fact that we wouldn't have anymore for medical reasons. So whatever you do, I say seek peace in your choice.

[sebandg'smama]

Ds is 11, dd is 5.

She was a surprise and I really mourned the family I thought I would have (travelling, private school, lot's of lessons for ds). I was done done done with the baby stage.

So, nope, not going to lie, it was hard.

However there are so many beautiful things about our family that I have to say I wouldn't change it given the chance. I feel I have been able to give both my children individual attention that they would never have been able to have with a close age spacing.

Things that are still difficult are family activities. I find dh and I often split up with the kids because their interest and skill level is so divergent.

The best thing for me was to have my dd. Can't imagine our family without her.

Good luck with your decision!
-Melanie