Please help! Worried sick about ex quiestionable lifestyle choices

[NewMom0208]

I have a 2 year old
My ex has shared custody and has my little guy 3 overnights a week
This has been working great for everybody thus far.

The problem I have is that my ex has no moral compass. Before we split I caught him watching a music video. I think it was by the black eye peas for the song "I have a feeling" it portraits night life and women kissing or almost. He was watching this with our son sitting in his lap!

When I told him that was not appropriate he gave me the customary "ugh?"
He would never harm my little boy on purpose, but his ignorance, immaturity and overall lack of judgment are scary.

In top of all that I learned last night that he joined an online group two months ago to look for local sex partners and have an active profile. While I know he has a girlfriend and he is dating too, this takes it to a whole new level in my mind.
From cheater to promiscuous to...

I am terrified my son will be exposed to events and/or explicit content that are just not appropriate for his age.
Just the newsletters for this site are full of pictures of naked women, some engaged in sex acts. You don't need to login to see that, you don't have to say you are older than 18, it is right there in the inbox. so something that should be as innocent as him opening mail in front of my child can potentially be very damaging.

Also, the pure fact that he is mingling with that type of women, who can potentially be linked to who knows what type of man themselves, I feel just sick.

I am worried sick. I need to talk to my lawyer for legal options I know in my state is very difficult to prove the other parent incompetent for shared custody.
I can also have another "talk" with him to set better and more solid rules of conduct.
Private investigators are just too expensive.

Any other ideas?
This just sucks.

I know God's got my back, but I also know HE showed me that information for a reason.

Thank you

[carriemama]

Just curious, how do you know he joined an online group and what kind of emails he gets?

[PoppyMama]

What carriemama said.

...and I can't imagine a judge in the country who would give a rat's butt about The Black Eyed Peas. You have your lifestyle and he has his. You can't control his, move on or you're going to drive yourself nuts.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

...and I can't imagine a judge in the country who would give a rat's butt about The Black Eyed Peas. You have your lifestyle and he has his. You can't control his, move on or you're going to drive yourself nuts.

That's pretty much what I was going to say. At least around here a court would never get involved in something like this. Our mediator said she had a case where the mom had proof that the dad was smoking pot and the judge said as long as he didn't do it around the kids it was not an issue. My lawyer told me that the court believes there are multiple ways to raise kids and it's not their business to control that. IMO this is one of the hardest parts about joint custody, you have absolutely no control over what happens to your kid in the other parent's home.

[*MamaJen*]

Your God may have your back, but in this particular situation, the legal system is on his side. Unless he's doing things that are harmful to the child, it's his call.
I'm sorry. I know it's hard not being able to control how your child is raised, and I worry about my son too when he's at his dad's.
But you're talking about issues that have multiple shades of gray. You may believe Black Eyes Peas videos are immoral. Other people would disagree with you.
If he is a good, loving father who treats his child well, that's a good thing. Is he a dangerous drug addict? Abusive? That's a valid reason to keep him away from his child. Otherwise, you have to accept that different people have different beliefs. I know it's hard, but you have to back off to some degree and let him parent his child.
I am also curious how you know about the newsletters? Were you in his email?

[NewMom0208]

I think smoking pot is illegal? Can that woman call the police on him to get him arrested?

ok, lets say in some weird world it is ok to show a 2 year old pictures of women having sex (I dont get it)

Now, so what are things that I can do on my side to teach my son some good family values, honor, honesty, the peace of mind that comes from doing what is right?

How do I teach him betraying and deceiving is wrong; Me ex has his girlfriend convinced he loves her and her kids dearly, yet he is going out with other women and now the local partners search.

What can I do to teach proper principles, what can I do to be a better influence on my son than his dad?

How do I know all this? We have common friends that are more faithful to me tham he thinks. Some of my friends stayed on his facebook with the sole intention to keep me posted on anything. I didnt even had facebook before we split and was not aware he was there. Some pretend to be friends with him just to get some scoop. One of my male friends (who is single) is part of that same page and he told me and showed me the monthy newsletter.........arrhhhh ...

Also, he is not very savvyy, some of the places he subscribed at have public profiles. ANYBODY can see them. There is one out there with a picture of him he took in front of my appartment!

I have not made him aware of any of this, nor will inform his girlfriend what is going on. not my responsibility

God has my back, perhaps not to remove custody, but to ensure my son is fine and protected.
I actually would prefer for my son to have both parents.
But if he does something stupid enough that I can collect proper evidence, I will go to court.

In the mean time, please, what are things I can do to ensure I do my part in raising my son to be happy, competent, mature, respectful, bold , a man of integrity? What is my role?

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

How do I know all this? We have common friends that are more faithful to me tham he thinks. Some of my friends stayed on his facebook with the sole intention to keep me posted on anything. I didnt even had facebook before we split and was not aware he was there. Some pretend to be friends with him just to get some scoop.

Mama, that is so unhealthy for you. You two are divorced. You need to stop spending all your energy thinking/obsessing about him, and move on with your own life. You'll drive yourself crazy that way. I know there is a grieving process you have to go through, but please, let yourself heal and don't stall out the process by tracking your ex's every move.

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

In the mean time, please, what are things I can do to ensure I do my part in raising my son to be happy, competent, mature, respectful, bold , a man of integrity? What is my role?

Model the behavior you want him to learn. Talk to him about right and wrong. Surround him with good people. Show compassion. Teach compassion. Give him plenty of unconditional love. And perhaps most importantly, take care of yourself. Give him a mama who is happy and healthy.
Maybe it would be a good idea to look into counseling? I know it can be really difficult getting over the loss of a relationship and moving on. Maybe counseling could help you take those first steps?

[Halfasianmomma]

Seeing as you already have shared custody in place, the only thing you can do is give your son a stable and loving environment where you live your life according to certain values, and the rest...let it go. You simply cannot MAKE your ex parent according to your values and the legal system won't help you either.

I know it's frustrating, but this is how it's set up. This is partially why I fought against shared custody with my X, because I was afraid of how he'd raise our daughter. Ok granted, he was/is an alcoholic, but still...

[Latte Mama]

I let my almost 2 year old son DANCE to that song . It has a free, happy beat. I also don't care if he sees women kissing or men kissing, that's not immoral. YMMV.

I agree with PP, model the behavior you want your child to learn and don't wast so much energy worrying about your ex.

[NewMom0208]

I know you are all getting concerned, I want to report I am actually doing very good. I did my share of counseling, attended Divorce care, I am currently active in church and I love it, they are going over forgiveness and healing in bible study so super appropiate.
I am redecorating my apartment, taking dance lessons, today I went to the dentist and I am getting overdue work done (ouch)
I am overall very happy every day with my life and I am very blessed.
Last night I did cried but I had not even felt like crying for about a month.
Progress every weeek

I also cleared my agenda, I admit i am not even cooking, I am allowing my son to eat school food for now. I buy my week lunches. I disengaged from other commitments and I am focus on healing and learning the art of voluntary happiness

Books have been read, workshops online and on site have been completed.
I have cut myself slack in all areas.
As per my ex, boundaries, boundaries and civility.
I am grateful he is no longer with me as a couple and I am learning to adapt to the fact that I have to share parenting with him.

Yes. I came down in worry when one of my friends called me with this last night. Then, when I called other friends to vent, they knew too...so I became emotional.

I talked to my therapist weeks ago about several aspects of my ex values and she says that, unfortunatelly, not only I cannot do anything, nor should I.
But also, it won't be until my ex see his son getting in trouble for imitating him that he might reconsider some of his options.

There are more issues than the promiscuity, which I won't mention here, but they relate to emotional abuse, not physical, so what can I do?

I feel my ex and I are good and evil and my son will have to choose. That is a big weight for his little shoulders to carry...

Again, thank you everybody. I am ok, really.
This took me out of my center, but I am leveled again.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

I let my almost 2 year old son DANCE to that song . It has a free, happy beat. I also don't care if he sees women kissing or men kissing, that's not immoral. YMMV.

I agree with PP, model the behavior you want your child to learn and don't wast so much energy worrying about your ex.

I agree. And really...it's none of your business if he is "promiscuous". A lot of people have open relationships or don't stay with the same partner all their life and that certainly doesn't make them bad parents or bad role models by any means. I guess I just don't see what he's doing as being that bad at all. And if you are divoced, it doesn't really concern you unless it becomes dangerous for your child- if there is emotional abuse, then that needs to be addressed, but a 2 yo seeing two girls kiss? I don't know any judges that would rule that as neglectful or harmful to your child.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

I feel my ex and I are good and evil and my son will have to choose. That is a big weight for his little shoulders to carry...

I think this is a really unhealthy way to look at your son's relationship with you and his father. It would be a big weight to carry, so please don't put it on his shoulders.

[NewMom0208]

A lot of people have open relationships or don't stay with the same partner all their life and that certainly doesn't make them bad parents or bad role models by any means.

Open relationships, yes, fine, but he is lying, hiding and deceiving his girlfirend, and that to me is a bad example on how to live life and how to treat women. He goes to great extents to keep all his activities in the shadows. That is not what I want to model. I am estremely transparent and I get to enjoy a great deal of peace, happiness and bliss just out ot that. Plus I benefit from trust, respect and admiration out of it. I do, I know it is personal but, hey, it is me and I want to show and teach this to my son.

if there is emotional abuse, then that needs to be addressed, but a 2 yo seeing two girls kiss? I don't know any judges that would rule that as neglectful or harmful to your child.

This is a personal thing, of course. I decide what I consider appropiate or not for my son. I know my pastor would agree with me and most of my congregation as well. All my friends as well were shocked... so I am not the only one feeling this way

To me, however it was the fact that the video portraits two women kissing out of pure lust, not out of love. and no, to me that is not what I model. I kiss, but only when there is some emotional connection and care.

Looking for sex partners... I can assure you that if I ask my ex "Is this what you want your son to do when he grows up?" the answer will be a big fat NO.

I see how there is nothing i can do legally, this is why I am switching to ask about what can I do. What are my choices.

[NewMom0208]

I think this is a really unhealthy way to look at your son's relationship with you and his father. It would be a big weight to carry, so please don't put it on his shoulders.

That is exactly my problem!
I will act one way, his father in other way, won't he have to choose who to imitate? who to admire? who to follow?
What do I do so it is not in his shoulders?

[meemee]

today it is your ex. tomorrow it is going to be teh world. you are worrying now. just imagine what the teens will do.

what can you do?

just live your life the way YOU want to. seriously i think our children learn the most from us the things we dont even teach. get in touch with yourself and live confidently. doing things that matter to you. the more confident you the more the world around you see's that. and they pick up on that.

however there is only so much you can do for your son. which really is in the realm of 'not doing'. at least after 5 years of freak out i have come to the conclusion that the only way i can take care of my daughter - to give her the best - is by taking care of myself.

i have a similar situation but the story is different. so at her dad's house - even though she loves her dad and he loves her adn does the best he can - the true emotional sustenance seh gets from me. and the way i do it is by doing things that make me happy. dd is almost 8. for the first time ever i went on a trip leaving her with her dad for 6 days. when i came back everybody was commenting on how glowing i looked. even in my worst dressed stressed moment everybody kept telling me i look fantastic. that there is an inner glow about me. i was shocked. really? my life is falling apart here. but yes it did. and who sees that more than anyone else? my dd.

my place is the place for her to vent. for her to be free. for her to do whatever she pleases. tantrum, scream whatever within reason. i live by my values so my actions match my words.

and the other thing is i am open. i have my values but i dont try to impose myself on others. that is big. i respect others for who they are even though i might not approve their life style or whatever as long as it is not taboo. that is huge for my dd and it has definitely had its impact on her.

so really the answer to your question is just be. and you are doing a lot to take care of yourself.

one of the things about parenting we must all be careful about is not to spend our time worrying. it is a waste and takes time away from being present to our kids. just by taking care of ourselves we take care of our kids too.

however mama the longer you see your ex as evil the less help you will be to your son. your ex is immature probably but not evil. the most important thing you need to remember - the number one fact is that - he is the father of your son. and if you think he is evil then your outer body language will show that. and your son will pick that up. i can relate to a lot of what you have written - but my dd knows v. v. well that though i dont approve a lot of what my ex does, i still respect him for being her father and for trying the best way he knows how now. she has also seen with respect how i have not put up with his asshat behaviour becasue it was not healthy with our child.

we can share our values with our kids but accepting them - that's their job.

also remember for many people to discover who they are not, they have to do some really crazy stuff.

[kittywitty]

You don't have any choices. You chose to have a child with this man and married him. Are all of these things new issues? Or things that were issues before/during marriage? Even your counselor is saying not to do anything about this-because it's not your business at this point. As for women kissing-that's you and your congregation's aversion. Not the whole world, or apparently your ex's, or maybe not even your son's someday. But seeing two girls kiss does not make him a bad parent. It sounds like you guys may have different moral compasses at the moment, but that is just part of being divorced. It sucks, but there is nothing you can legally do from what you have posted. Nor really should you if the only problem seems to be lifestyle differences that are not harming the children.

[NolaRiordan]

It probably doesn't seem like it but we all do know how you feel. My then husband introduced his girlfriend to the kids while we were still married and before we were even separated. He had our kids talk to her kids on the phone. He didn't see anything wrong with it. Believe me it burns my a** that that woman is increasingly involved in my kids lives.

And with regard to the pot situation our mediator told me about-- she told me that story because I was trying to get my X to agree to certain "lifestyle" choices in our parenting plan (i.e. no porn on the computer while the kids are in the house), and he refused. The mediators point was that there was nothing I could do about this. Yes, smoking pot is illegal, and she was trying to make the point that the court isn't even going to restrict illegal behaviors as long as they are not being done in front of the kids. So if your X wants to have orgies at his house there's nothing you can do about it as long as your kid is not there.

As others have said all you can do is model behavior you value. Surround him with good people when he's with you. Help him understand choices. And why you believe what you believe.

I also recommend the book "Mom's House Dad's House." It's very helpful for helping you create a post divorce relationships with your X and helping your kid cope with the environment in both houses.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

That is exactly my problem!
I will act one way, his father in other way, won't he have to choose who to imitate? who to admire? who to follow?
What do I do so it is not in his shoulders?

all we can do as parents is offer.

offer.

show.

be.

how your son is going to choose. that's his prerogative.

if your son decides to be gay (wrong choice of words here - more like he is), or have two wives or go live in the mountains or become pentacostal that is HIS choice and his choice alone.

however i think having both parents leading different values is great for our children. they are offered options to choose from.

[NewMom0208]

I was not asking for legal options but I meant what can I do to ensure I do my best. You all have interestingly focus on the video and not on the sex partners plus multiple dating stuff. I think some of you felt the need to defend your acceptance of the video. some of you not all of you.

Meemee has nail it down beautifully.

This paragraph is very me:

my place is the place for her to vent. for her to be free. for her to do whatever she pleases. tantrum, scream whatever within reason. i live by my values so my actions match my words.

This is a little more challenging for me but I do want to get there:

i am open. i have my values but i dont try to impose myself on others. that is big. i respect others for who they are even though i might not approve their life style or whatever as long as it is not taboo. that is huge for my dd and it has definitely had its impact on her.

I dont impose, I have dear friends in all religions. races and sexual orientations. (And some gay ones did find the video to strong for my son BTW) But I have trouble thinking about my son doing or embracing some of the things my friends do that I wouldnt. This is part of my own growth path. I will get there.

This is really something I am changing right now:

if you think he is evil then your outer body language will show that. and your son will pick that up

You are right, I will see him as a co-parent I treat with respect while I dont approve of his lifestyle choices that exploded after we split.
There was some of this during the marriag but less. He must have been very unhappy on his own skin. As soon as he left he grew his har and got two tattoes. Nothing, nothing against long hair or tatooes, just interesting he never did that while with me. He had a very clean cut that I never asked him to have, I guess he assumed he had to...
But I digress, I will not be a part of my son seeing his dad as evil, that can scare him. Not cool. Thank you for helping me see that!!

[NewMom0208]

if your son decides to be gay (wrong choice of words here - more like he is), or have two wives or go live in the mountains or become pentacostal that is HIS choice and his choice alone.

That cracked me up!!
No, being gay is not a choice. This I dont care, even though I am Christian and my Pastor would be not be very proud, lol!

But I hope he is faithful and honest to his partner... or partners... how am I doing?