Please help! Worried sick about ex quiestionable lifestyle choices - Page 2

[Annie Mac]

It's not all so black and white. Or good and evil. I can understand why your ex's lifestyle would bother you, and I can see how it's a concern for your son. I think it comes down to teaching your son the critical thinking skills necessary to evaluate the different things he comes across in his life. Just because he sees his dad being promiscuous (and let's be clear, he's just 2 years old now, so he doesn't see the world in those terms yet), it doesn't mean he necessarily will become so himself. Maybe the lesson he will learn will be "if I cheat on my wife, I will lose her and have to raise my children in two separate homes, and I know from personal experience how much fun that isn't." He is going to be exposed to many, many things over the course of his life (I can guarantee he will see many more music videos, for example), and he is going to need to know how to deal with them. Life isn't an input - output equation. Just because you're the way you are, the your ex is the way he is, doesn't mean your son will be one or the other.

A friend of mine was divorced when her sons were very young. Her ex and his family are nasty pieces of work. Mean, bitter, vindictive people -- but nothing illegal, and they basically loved the kids, in their own ways. She was so patient about it over the years, and bit her tongue when it came to expressing her opinions to her children. She allowed them complete access to their father and extended family. And eventually, when they got older, they begin to clearly see what their father was like for themselves, and made the decision to see him less. Neither of them turned into their dad.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

how am I doing?

yesterday i told my dd that finally after all these years i have finally found what kind of tattoo i would like to have on me.

she was shocked. no mom you CANT get a tattoo. i come from a very reserved background and so does her dad but most of my friends have tattoos.

yet she knows it doesnt matter who or what my friends or family or background is.

I - me - wants the tattoo. and i WILLL get it. once i can find the artist and the money.

it just cracked me up to watch her have to deal with something that is not comfortable for her. however i think there's another aspect too. we do a lot together. and mommy getting something and dd not will be hard for her to accept. but the way things are going perhaps it will take me another 10 years to get the money to have the kind of tattoo i want.

[choli]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

I feel my ex and I are good and evil and my son will have to choose. That is a big weight for his little shoulders to carry...

Yes, it is a big weight for little shoulders to carry, and it is not a weight you should put there. I sincerely recommend that you attend counselling, that is an extremely unhealthy dynamic to pass on to your son.

I don't believe that any person is completely good or evil, and to portray such a concept to a child, and expect him to choose, is bordering on emotional abuse IMO.

[NewMom0208]

Originally Posted by NolaRiordan

As others have said all you can do is model behavior you value. Surround him with good people when he's with you. Help him understand choices. And why you believe what you believe.

I also recommend the book "Mom's House Dad's House." It's very helpful for helping you create a post divorce relationships with your X and helping your kid cope with the environment in both houses.

This is good stuf Nola!
Actually as part of my own healing and growth I discovered the importance of sourroundind MYSELF with good positive people.

Oh, I have that book, my divorce lawyer recommended it and I started it last week!!! I am also FINALLY reading positive discipline by Jane Nelse, good stuff to empower kids to make their own choices.And I am doing a teleclass that includes how to raise children without critisism. I love mothering!

Good healthy life, here I go.
In praying God told me things will go down on their own weight and to just stick to my own course... which I think is what I am hearing here too.
I know there will be more of these surprises and I feel much better equiped to respond - not react - to them in ways that leave my dignity and self respect intact.

Thank you all!!!

[MissLotus]

I know from experience that it's very hard to co-parent with an ex who has different values from your own. It's a huge challenge, and it's disconcerting - here we do so much to protect our children, try to keep them innocent, to create a beautiful childhood and then sometimes we might feel our ex doesn't care about or respect any of that. It's hard.

I do agree that the way you live your life will have a huge impact on your child and may largely determine the type of partner he chooses for himself one day. Sometimes an ex's bad behavior (cheating, etc.) can actually be a good lesson in what not to do - I have a good friend whose husband is very loyal, helpful and she can totally count on him. And yet he grew up with bad role models - his divorced parents fought like mad, they each married several times, had volatile relationships with all the step-parents, and what's happened is that he grew up knowing he never wanted any of that. Now he and my friend have been married nearly 20 years. (Not saying the divorce part was bad - I'm divorced too and that's WAY better than my child growing up with acrimony in the home - but the way this man's parents handled themselves and fought/cheated on their various spouses were what was so upsetting to him.)

But you hinted at some emotional abuse going on - I don't know if you meant with your ex and your child, or that your child is seeing emotional abuse between your ex and these women - but if he's privvy to some ugly scenes, that's where I'd legally try to step in, if necessary. You didn't say, I don't think, if this shared custody schedule is mandated by the court, or if this is what you chose. If this has never actually been settled in court and you think your child's life will be made unstable by a succession of different partners traipsing in and out, and if he's seeing some abuse happening, then by all means, call your lawyer and find out your options.

[PoppyMama]

It did seem to me that you were going a bit overboard against those poor Black Eyed Peas, my baby loves them , and that made you seem a little unbalanced about the whole thing. On the search for casual sex partners while in a relationship...yeah that does make him seem like a UA violation and I would be disgusted but it is what it is. Live your morals with love not with judgement and your son will influenced. After that all you can do is hope for the best.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

Mama, that is so unhealthy for you. You two are divorced. You need to stop spending all your energy thinking/obsessing about him, and move on with your own life. You'll drive yourself crazy that way. I know there is a grieving process you have to go through, but please, let yourself heal and don't stall out the process by tracking your ex's every move.

Model the behavior you want him to learn. Talk to him about right and wrong. Surround him with good people. Show compassion. Teach compassion. Give him plenty of unconditional love. And perhaps most importantly, take care of yourself. Give him a mama who is happy and healthy.
Maybe it would be a good idea to look into counseling? I know it can be really difficult getting over the loss of a relationship and moving on. Maybe counseling could help you take those first steps?

Excellent advice

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

Open relationships, yes, fine, but he is lying, hiding and deceiving his girlfirend, and that to me is a bad example on how to live life and how to treat women. He goes to great extents to keep all his activities in the shadows. That is not what I want to model. I am estremely transparent and I get to enjoy a great deal of peace, happiness and bliss just out ot that. Plus I benefit from trust, respect and admiration out of it. I do, I know it is personal but, hey, it is me and I want to show and teach this to my son.

This is a personal thing, of course. I decide what I consider appropiate or not for my son. I know my pastor would agree with me and most of my congregation as well. All my friends as well were shocked... so I am not the only one feeling this way

To me, however it was the fact that the video portraits two women kissing out of pure lust, not out of love. and no, to me that is not what I model. I kiss, but only when there is some emotional connection and care.

Looking for sex partners... I can assure you that if I ask my ex "Is this what you want your son to do when he grows up?" the answer will be a big fat NO.

I see how there is nothing i can do legally, this is why I am switching to ask about what can I do. What are my choices.

Your choices are to continue allowing this to affect your serenity or not That's pretty much the only control you have in this situation

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

That is exactly my problem!
I will act one way, his father in other way, won't he have to choose who to imitate? who to admire? who to follow?
What do I do so it is not in his shoulders?

No adult is a perfect imitation of either of their parents-we all take from our childhood experiences and choose some to keep-even emulate-and some to discard. Our job is to offer them support and possibilities-not an iron clad road of expectation to follow. Good luck mama

[treeoflife3]

I haven't thoroughly read everything but I think the only thing you could really focus on is the fact that your child might see porn on the computer or worse, your child might be exposed to something the father does with any of the women he plans on hooking up with via the sites he has joined.

The problem is, you know these things through friends spying. That makes it extremely difficult to approach him and have a conversation about how he has every right to live his life how he wants, but that you want to ensure some of the worst things aren't things your young child sees. Girls kissing? meeting a couple of girls in a non sexual way? not inherently evil... but watching porn for any length of time or walking in on sex a few too many times with a few too many different people, that could potentially be a problem.

I don't know that the courts would be on your side over that stuff simply because it might not/probably won't happen and because it takes a lot more sexual exposure to be deemed 'unfit' as far as I know but it is definitely something I think is fair to express concern about with your ex. Again though, you are now in a situation where you know more than you should because of people spying on him. He won't react kindly to that which will make it hard to have a serious and grown up conversation about the matter without his feeling like he is being attacked or you feeling like he isn't taking it seriously or is purposely putting down your feelings on the matter.

Beyond the risk of too much sexual exposure, everyone is right that you need to start accepting that how he lives is different and the best thing you can do is be the best you and best model for your child. I don't know your ex, but I'd hope he is smart enough to keep his promiscuity separate from his time with his child and really, that is the only thing you could be most concerned about. KNOWING and SEEING are two different things and will affect a toddler differently... keep that in mind.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

This is good stuf Nola!
Actually as part of my own healing and growth I discovered the importance of sourroundind MYSELF with good positive people.

Oh, I have that book, my divorce lawyer recommended it and I started it last week!!! I am also FINALLY reading positive discipline by Jane Nelse, good stuff to empower kids to make their own choices.And I am doing a teleclass that includes how to raise children without critisism. I love mothering!

Good healthy life, here I go.
In praying God told me things will go down on their own weight and to just stick to my own course... which I think is what I am hearing here too.
I know there will be more of these surprises and I feel much better equiped to respond - not react - to them in ways that leave my dignity and self respect intact.

Thank you all!!!

That all sounds like really healthy choices, especially the concept of focusing on your own dignity and self respect.
I read a couple of your old threads and it looks like your ex really put you through the ringer with cheating and yanking you back and forth. It would take me a long time to let go of that anger. But at the end of the day, if you eventually choose to let it go and focus on your own happiness, you will be so much better off.
I do hope your ex knows how to keep his sexual life separate from his child.

[geekgolightly]

Spying on your ex is not honest, ethical or moral. I think you might want to look at your own behavior and stop worrying over his.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

I feel my ex and I are good and evil and my son will have to choose.

OMG. What does your therapist say about the fact that you feel this way?

You sound frighteningly like my husband's ex-wife. FWIW, she obsessed herself right down the "I'm good, he's evil" road, to the point that (after a while) anything he did was "evil" (even trying to call their child on the phone) and anything she did was righteous, even ignoring court orders or breaking laws. And she wound up losing custody of her kid - not for any sort of conventional abuse or neglect - but for trying to ruin her son's relationship with his dad. That can happen.

If you let yourself believe your ex is evil, you will communicate that to your son. If you convince your son his Dad is evil, he will believe PART OF HIMSELF is evil. Work to correct this extreme thinking, before it poisons your child. Please.

You don't have to like or approve of your ex. You're entitled to feel hurt and angry about choices he's made that broke up your family and the future you planned. But him watching a raunchy music video with a child who's too young to know what sex IS (and who will never remember watching it) - and him making it with every woman on his block - do not make him an evil PARENT. If he's showing porn to your son when he's 10, or if he's having group sex with your son in the room, that'd be different.

[TCMoulton]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

That is exactly my problem!
I will act one way, his father in other way, won't he have to choose who to imitate? who to admire? who to follow?
What do I do so it is not in his shoulders?

He will only have to choose between his parents if he is forced to - otherwise he will most likely become a combination of the two of you. Honestly, from the things you have posted he doesn't sound like a horrible father (yes, promiscuity is not appropriate for such a young child to witness but are you really certain of your ex's behavior when he is not with you?) and the fact that he wants to play a part in your son's life is a huge positive in itself.

You really need to remove yourself from your ex's personal life - you cannot change his behavior and it will only increase your anxiety and worry if you continue to obsess over every little thing you believe he does in his personal life away from your son.

[myra_mcgray]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

That is exactly my problem!
I will act one way, his father in other way, won't he have to choose who to imitate? who to admire? who to follow?
What do I do so it is not in his shoulders?

He won't have to choose who to imitate he will grow up to be his own person, some of you some of his dad. You can decide who you want to be and how you want to influence him to grow but you won't be able be to decide how your ex influences him, or for that matter how his friends influence him. I would be really careful about not setting up a dynamic with your son where he feels like he has to choose between you and his dad. You won't win.

[NewMom0208]

Girls, please! I was upset at this new discovery, no need to send me to the looney house, geesh!

I dont spend any of my time worrying about him. We split this last March 24, I am doing damn good for just 3 months, not even 3 months.

I came here for empathetic compassionate support over MY question, not to be judged myself.

Anyway, I take what I need and leave the rest...If I cannot vent here....imagine!

This one place I feel I can say anything that crosses my mind. I guess I am wrong and I need to pass it trough some sort of sanity, appropriateness filter first!

Anyway, I am blessed and grateful for those of you who chose to listen and offer useful insight and support. some of you chose to encourage me to look at how I was thinking on a different way instead of send me to the cross, oh boy.

I still have some concerns over some of his family history, i observe my son and how he reacts around daddy, so far so good.

ok, Thanks

[bluebirdiemama]

Newmom I agree, it seems like you got judged a little quickly, and a little harshly. I'm sure I will be seen as some kind of prude for saying this, but I don't want my 3 yo ds to see women kissing, men kissing, or a man and woman kissing. At least not passionately/heatedly/any way that expresses sexual passion. It's not that I think these things are bad, it's simply that I think his mind would be better off not having to think about those kinds of things yet.
I did grow up in a different country though, and thus is a completely different world, where sexuality is not paraded so openly.

I think you are right to worry. Of course I don't think you need to worry yourself sick, but to worry about what your son is exposed to when you are not around shows that you love him and care for him the way a mother should. I can't imagine what it's like to have no say about what an immature, sexually confused man will expose your child to when you are not around.

That being said, I think you do need to hand it over to God. Trust that He will take care of your child when you cannot. Talk camly w your ex dh and see if you can find understanding and common ground on the topic of what your son needs/doesn't need.

I think it's great that you want to instill good morals and values in your son. And since you say you believe in God, I urge you to look to Him to find the truth about what you need to teach your son. Pray about it, look to many Christian sources (I assume it's the Christian God, but the same idea would apply to believe in any god). Get multiple sources of info, pray and look to Him for your moral standards. If you don't do that you will just be making up your own set of moral standards, just like your ex dh, and it is sure to be flawed.

I wish you all the best, mama

[bluebirdiemama]

editing this post, because it was something of a rant.

I just want to say that from your posts, it doesn't sound to me like you are "spying" on your ex, or judging his choice of life style, or any other choice of lifestyle, beyond the fact of concidering what your ds will be exposed to.

I think this is completely natural and healthy, that a mother be concientious of what her baby is exposed to. We are talking about a 2 year old.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by NewMom0208

I

How do I know all this? We have common friends that are more faithful to me tham he thinks. Some of my friends stayed on his facebook with the sole intention to keep me posted on anything. I didnt even had facebook before we split and was not aware he was there. Some pretend to be friends with him just to get some scoop. One of my male friends (who is single) is part of that same page and he told me and showed me the monthy newsletter.........arrhhhh ...

Also, he is not very savvyy, some of the places he subscribed at have public profiles. ANYBODY can see them. There is one out there with a picture of him he took in front of my appartment!

This seems to be spying in on an X's private life. I do hope that her X wises up and cuts out anyone who does this. Or, even better, that OP tells her friends that this isn't necessary. His private life is his own.

[lilyka]

First of all you need to stop spying on your xh. There is nothing illegal about being morally bankrupt so long as you don't do anything actually illegal. Unfortunately our xh can be permiscuous, bad role models, and let our kids watch inappropriate crap on the TV and no one gives a legal crap.

All you can do is suck it up and do your best when you have them.

and YES this sucks. sucks royally. My xh wasted no time introducing my girls to the woman he was seeing the last 5 years of our marriage. He too has been involved with some really sick crap on line, similar, to your xh, while he was watching my kids (thats while we were married. now he hopefully takes care of all that on the nights he is not parenting). There is nothing we can do to change it and worrying about it will just make us crazy. really you have got to stop sypying on your xh. Stop worrying about what he is doing and stop having your friends spy on him. My xh does this, even stalks me here (or has his friends do it?) and really, he needs to get some hobbies. I used to do it to xh and his mistress and it made me crazy. absolutely insane. no kidding.

So what to do about your son and the fact that there are duelling values and morals. Pray. its all you can do. I mean for real. if you could turn your xh into a moral stand up guy you would have done it by now and you wouldn't be divorced/split up and you wouldn't have to worry about sharing custody and losing control of your ds upbringing. yeah it sucks but really regardless of if your xh was not an ex and was the most rightous man that ever lived you still couldn't save your son. Only God can and you have to let go of trying to make him saved. Only God can do that and no matter who our kids role models are or how good or bad they are our prayers, our endless begging of God for his mercy is their only hope. I am not saying out behavior will not influence them but only God can truely draw them unto himself. How many kids have had good parents who did everything right and still turned out like our xhs? I mean really, my xh was raised ina beautiful "perfect" Christian family. and he still out of no where (sorta) became what he is today. look on the bright side, I was raised in horrible immoral circumstances on all sides but I grew up being a total goody goody and ended up in a very conservative religous path. How else was I going to rebel Honestly though, at the end of the day I think the thing that brought me here was a grandma who never stopped praying for her grandchildren. and that is what you can do to fight this. Give it to God and let him fight this battle and int he mean time do your best with your baby and let God use this to grow you into the person he wants you to be.