Parents mad at me and DH for not inviting their child to our child's birthday party

[moxielou]

have got some kindergarten drama going on here! Last week my DD had her birthday party for her 6th birthday. We were not doing the "invite everyone in your class" thing. She invited 12 kids from school (and a couple of family friends) so that's out of the 34 kindergarteners in her school. (Two classrooms but they overlap a bit).

There was one girl in particular that she didn't invite. This girl, "E" is in the same circle of friends as my DD, they have known each other a long time (went to same preschool), and my DD was invited and attended this girls bday party a few months ago. So what's the issue? My DD has had a lot of problems with this girl "E." E is very aggressive, says things like "do this or I'll kill you..." to my daughter. There was one incident where E was playing roughly and slammed my daughters fingers in some playground equipment. It was an "accident" in that it wasn't intentional, but it was due to her aggressive and physical style. The real problem happened when my DD went to the teachers to get help (she needed a bandaid and ice), E pushed my daughter over and tried to stop her from getting to the teachers, E had her hands over my DD's mouth so she couldn't talk etc. The teachers witnessed this and E was written up with a disciplanery report.

It's not just my DD who has problems with E. I work at this school so I have a lot of "inside" information but E is often in "discipline" mode, the teachers talk about it, other parents have said things to me. The other issue is that even when E is not being bullying, she's still hard for my DD to deal with. When E is being nice, she'll try to pick up my daugher, give her a squeeze hug, lick her etc. E just has issues with physical boundaries, she's always "in your face" and yelling. And again, she's like this with all kids, not just my DD.

Now, I probably sound too harsh on the girl--and she is just a 6 year old who wants to be liked and loved and have friends and she has social issues and I hope she gets help and/or grows out of it. I don't have any ill feelings toward E or her parents, but I gotta help my DD deal with it as best she can. For a long time, DD would be confused by E because she thought they were "friends" and she didn't know why E would threaten or hurt her. I would tell me DD to be friends with the nice people and keep away from the loonies (not in those words, but you get the idea). In the last month or so my DD realized that E is not her friend and that this is okay. I would tell DD that if E turns nice then it's okay to be her friend again.

When my DD was planning who to invite to her bday party, she never mentioned E. I respected this but did check in with my daughter to see if this was deliberate or an oversight. My DD clearly said she wasn't inviting E. Since we weren't inviting the whole class to the party, I tried to use good protocol. We mailed the invitations to home so we didn't give them out at school. I told my DD to be gentle with the feelings of the kids we were not inviting, and I encouraged her not to talk about the party at school.

My DD has not been invited to some schoolmate's parties and she has known about them. Although she's had hurt feelings or confusion, we've talked about it and she understands that not everyone is invited to everything. (I think that's an important life lesson). My DD did tell me that there was a day at school where E was crying because she wasn't invited to DD's party. I reminded DD to try to avoid talking about the party at school when E and others would hear it. Apparently E made a big fuss--which also demonstrates her "intense" personality.
Now I was sad to hear that E was sad, I don't want to hurt a child's feelings, but I have to support my DD. My DD is not very assertive so I was proud that she didn't cave to the crying etc and I'm pleased to see her develop good boundaries and sense about friend selection.

Fast forward to now: At a few end of year social events, E's parents were very cold to me and my DH. Now we are not close friends with them, do not socialize (unless in big groups where we are all invited), but everyone is very friendly and chatty. On a superficial level we parents were "friends." Now the mom of E is on the board of directors at the school and I saw her yesterday as I was at work and she was very cool to me. And I started to wonder--hey what's going on? I had recently noticed that I had "lost" a Facebook friend and I had been wondering who it was. So I looked her up and we were no longer Facebook friends--she had "unfriended" me in the last week or so!!!!!!

Now I don't really care that we are not facebook friends, but I think that's over the top! Sometimes your kid isn't invited to a birthday party! It's happened to mine, it's happened to all of us!!!!!!

I spoke to a mutual friend and although she couldn't confirm why we were "out" with these parents, she did say she spoke to the mom who was "shocked and upset" that E was not invited to the party. Sigh.

Now, I do have a professional relationship with the mom at the school (I work there, she's the president of the board of directors), so it's better if we don't have anomosity. So I thought it would be a good idea that I try to "make it good." What do you think?

[MommatoAandA]

I would not want her DD around mine, honestly. Has "E" been evaluated for behavioral or social disorders? Either way, just remain professional at work and just ignore the behavior. It seems really childish to me. I mean, "unfriending" someone on facebook? I think facebook is the new way adults can act like children quite honestly, but that is another topic all together I suppose.

Your daughter didn't invite LOTS of kids. So if E's parents are so self absorbed they can't see that, it's hardly your fault. The fact that they may not understand WHY exactly and therefore do not see an issue with their childs behavior seems scary to me.

Sorry for what your DD went through with "E". Being threatened to be killed is scary for me, I'm 26, your D is 6. Thats CRAZY.. ((HUGS))

[EFmom]

I'd ignore it and remain polite and professional at school. I can't think of anything you could say that would improve the situation, and if this lady gets her knickers in a twist over something like this, I wouldn't engage.

It sounds like you handled it fine. Your kid doesn't have to invite kids who are mean to her to her birthday party. If E was the only one left out, I'd feel funny about that, but given that she wasn't, I think it's fine. The only unfortunate thing is that the party was discussed at school, but with little kids that happens, and it may well be that other kids brought it up.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by moxielou

Now, I do have a professional relationship with the mom at the school (I work there, she's the president of the board of directors), so it's better if we don't have anomosity. So I thought it would be a good idea that I try to "make it good." What do you think?

Personally, I'd let it go. Do NOT try to make it better. She's angry, but she hasn't come to you about it. Right now, the potential for this to blow up in your face is huge.

I would behave professionally at all times. If she brings it up, be willing to discuss it. Apologize and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her daughter. Don't justify your decisions. Keep the apology simple and honest.

Don't engage in gossip about the incident. If someone asks, come up with a non-committal "I think there were some hurt feelings over my daughter's birthday" and leave it there.

Not being invited to a bday party is par for the course in elementary school and mom is going to have to learn to deal with it.

[nextcommercial]

I went to a party, and one boy was intentionally left off the party list because of his behavior. But, he was dropped off anyway. His parents just dropped him off and drove away. So, he couldn't even be sent home.

He basically ruined the party.

My daughter invited K** K*** to her eighth birthday party... I hoped she wouldn't, but she wanted to... I caved. What a nightmare! Sometimes it takes one kid to ruin a party. I commend your daughter for having the common sense to know who that kid is.

Just ignore this, and it will die out over the summer. Maybe next fall, E will have learned some life lessons and have better social skills. First grade is a whole new world and kids tend to have a hard time at first, but they manage to rise to the occasion. I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter and E can play well together by next fall.

Kids have an amazing ability to forgive and forget. I bet E isn't nearly as offended as E's mom was.

[luv-my-boys]

Originally Posted by MommatoAandA

Your daughter didn't invite LOTS of kids. So if E's parents are so self absorbed they can't see that, it's hardly your fault. The fact that they may not understand WHY exactly and therefore do not see an issue with their childs behavior seems scary to me.

((HUGS))

I would just keep your dealings professional and not bring anything up. If "E's" mom does I would simply state that your daughter did not want to invite E due to E's past behavior and physically hurting her.

[zeldamomma]

I agree with the pp, I'd pretend not to notice the change in their behavior, as long as it's limited to social situations. If your having left this kid off your dd's guest list causes you trouble at work, I might address it directly, something like "I understand that you were hurt that we were unable to include E in dd's birthday party, but I trust that we can work together, even if our kids aren't best friends." If you're seriously worried about them punishing you professionally for this, I'd mention the situation to your supervisor, and depending on how much power E's parents have, I'd think about looking for another job, and changing my dd's school. I wouldn't want my kid in a school being run by someone so immature.

It's possible that E considers your dd to be her close friend, and the mom therefore has a skewed view of the situation. It does sound like the poor kid needs some kind if intervention.

[4Blessings]

If 'E' has been such a major problem for so long why did your daughter attend 'E's party just a few months ago?

I can see why the mother is upset. It was in poor taste to attend a party and then exclude the child from your party.

At this point you either have to let it go or you have to be completely honest with 'E's mother.

[EFmom]

Originally Posted by 4Blessings

I can see why the mother is upset. It was in poor taste to attend a party and then exclude the child from your party.

I disagree completely. This happens all the time with kids. Some people throw huge parties, with all the classmates, friends, relatives, etc. We don't do that. We throw much smaller parties.

School classes change and kids get involved with activities and friendships may change over the course of a year, and that influences the guest list.

I'm not going to make my kids decline party invitations because of it. If they are invited and want to go, we buy a nice gift, go to the party and have a good time.

By the same token, they invite who they want. The invitation list isn't restricted to kids who have invited them to their party.

[COgirl19]

I pretty much agree with everyone else's advice. It was clear that not only you but your DD did NOT want E at the party. That is enough reason in itself in my opinion, especially since she is mean and even threatens your DD. There is no reason to ruin your child's party just so E doesn't get upset. She has to learn to deal with the consequences of her behavior. I do hope that these parents do something for E though so she can have an easier time, but that is not your problem or responsibility. E's mom will just have to get over it.

I don't know if it's just me but it seems the trend these days for so many parents is to have these huge parties and invite anybody and everybody and then when people are left out they are all offended. There is nothing wrong with throwing a smaller party just with people you enjoy and are close to. That is what we plan to do for our DDs when the time comes and if people don't like it that is just too bad!

[zeldamomma]

Originally Posted by 4Blessings

If 'E' has been such a major problem for so long why did your daughter attend 'E's party just a few months ago?

I can see why the mother is upset. It was in poor taste to attend a party and then exclude the child from your party.

I disagree with this also-- if E is the one with a behavior problem, its reasonable to allow your kid to attend E's party, but choose not to have E at your dd's party, if you don't feel you can handle her (I know there was more to it than this, but that alone is enough). No one is obligated to invite someone who is likely to cause problems at their party.

E's parents need to grow up.

[4Blessings]

The point I am attempting to make is about 'E' being threatening and troublesome to the OP's child. Why would OP attend the child's party? It sends a mixed message. 'E' is a "good enough" friend in certain situations but not in others?

For a child already struggling with social issues this must be another confusing situation.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by 4Blessings

If 'E' has been such a major problem for so long why did your daughter attend 'E's party just a few months ago?

I can see why the mother is upset. It was in poor taste to attend a party and then exclude the child from your party.

I disagree. Some parents invite the whole class. We have small backyard parties with just a few friends. So should we not attend any of DS's classmates' parties because we don't intend to invite the whole class? We invite kids to our parties because we want to celebrate with them, not because we expect a return invitation -- that sort of tally-keeping is foreign to me.

Also, how was the OP supposed to know that her DD didn't want to invite E to her party when they attended E's party months ago? It sounds like the OP assumed her DD would invite E, but chose to support her DD's decision not to when the time came.

OP, I would ignore the whole situation -- so far, all your information is second-hand. If E's parents don't bring it up with you, I wouldn't bring it up with them.

[Cascadian]

Originally Posted by 4Blessings

The point I am attempting to make is about 'E' being threatening and troublesome to the OP's child. Why would OP attend the child's party? It sends a mixed message. 'E' is a "good enough" friend in certain situations but not in others?

For a child already struggling with social issues this must be another confusing situation.

On one hand, this is why many parents bite the bullet until higher grades and invite all the kids, or all of one gender.

OTOH...sorry, yeah - it was a social faux pas in my mind to attend her party and not reciprocate. That would p me off as a parent if I did not get an explanation as to why. It's the least you can do.

[squimp]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Personally, I'd let it go. Do NOT try to make it better. She's angry, but she hasn't come to you about it. Right now, the potential for this to blow up in your face is huge.

I would behave professionally at all times. If she brings it up, be willing to discuss it. Apologize and tell her you didn't mean to hurt her daughter. Don't justify your decisions. Keep the apology simple and honest.

Don't engage in gossip about the incident. If someone asks, come up with a non-committal "I think there were some hurt feelings over my daughter's birthday" and leave it there.

Not being invited to a bday party is par for the course in elementary school and mom is going to have to learn to deal with it.

I agree with this 100%. Unless E's mom comes directly to you I wouldn't say anything to her about it. If she does, I would simply say that you're sorry, you weren't able to invite everyone. I would not say anything about her DD's behavior. Unless she truly wants to hear you, it will feel like a mommy-drive-by no matter how you say it. And I wouldn't talk about it with the other school parents because that could get back to her and compromise your professional relationship.

And there's no assumption of reciprocity in birthday parties, in my book. Kids' friendships change over time and we have to respect that.

[mamazee]

My dd gets invited to tons of parties, and I can't afford to invite that many people to hers. Plus it would be wrong to not invite someone just because they don't have the money to have a birthday party. I don't think there's any obligation to invite people because you went to their party, but I do think that it might have confused this girl and made her think that your dd and she were friends. But overall, children's parties aren't something to "keep score" about. Kids invite who they want to invite, and their circles of friends change from one year to the next.

The mom is being childish. I would just keep the relationship professional and let it go.

[Geofizz]

If there are 34 in the class, and this is a coed school, I'm guessing there are ~17 girls. If your DD invited all girls, then excluding just 5 and inviting 12 seems a bit off to me. Not saying you're wrong or this woman's behavior isn't over the top, but our rule is if we have a small party, it is less than half of the girls in the class.

[moxielou]

I do understand the point that E should have been invited simply because my DD wen to her party, and I did consider forcing my daughter to invite E--simply for the reason that my DD went to E's party back in January. (And for the record, this was back when my DD was still trying for a friendship with E). I really was torn between social obligation and not hurting anyone's feelings and supporting my daughter as she grows a backbone and learns to make good friend choices. It was the latter that really informed me. My DD has always been confused with bullies and meanness. At her school they always say "everyone is friends," which is a lovely idea, but I think it's aimed more at the kids who need encouragement to be nice to one another. but my daughter took it as "I'm friends with everyone--even the people who are mean to me." We spoke a lot about this and I had to say, "you don't have to be friends with the mean ones"

My DD has never been assertive and I see that she needs to develop the skills to keep the bullies and meanies away from her. She's very confident with adults but, until recently, she could be intimitaded by kids, especially intense and/or bossy kids (like E). For example, earlier in the year, some kids was stealing food from my daughter's lunch. It only went on for a week but we had to coach my daughter to stand up for herself. She was the kid who would stand at the top of the slide at the playground and never go down because all the other kids were going in front of her. She didn't know (or didn't know how) to say, "hey it's my turn." I had to teach her that. At a pinata party everyone else would dive and fill their pockets and she'd be left on the side with little or nothing. She's not cut-throat or aggressive or the like. DH and I have worked with her on this, and while we value and respect that she is considerate and gentle and kind, we want to teach her to not be trampled on. Only recently (in the last 6 months or so) have I seen her "step up" for herself and I'm always pleased. And everytime she says firmly, "it's my turn" or "no cutting" and discovers that the other kid doesn't hit her or yell at her but rather he/she moves aside for DD, she grows in confidence.

Too much backstory, I know, but for me the continuing support needs to be to help my daughter with peer relationships in this way. And, frankly, if they were grown-ups, I wouldn't advise a friend to invite a bully/meany to a party out of a sense of social obligation--so why do that to my kid?

Also, E's birthday party was one of those "invite (almost) everyone in the class" parties. She invited close to 40 people. It was in an indoor climbing place and parents all had to stay (liability). DD wanted a party at her house, and we explained that this would be smaller. Though for many reason those kind of parties don't work for our family. If we were having a big party at a place that was not our home and my DD was inviting a large group, then I would have suggested that we not leave E out--and I would have presented it that way; that you don't invite that many people and leave out just one.

Which brings me to my final point: I've been remembering E's birthday party during all this discusion. Like I said, it was a huge party and pretty much every kindergartener in the school was invited, along with some younger/older siblings. However, there was one boy in their Kindergarten class who had a lot of behaivioral issues. He is sweet and smart but he had a lot of troubles in class (he got A LOT better as the year went on) but I know he suffered socially. There was also a girl who was similar--she had a lot of challenges; she acted out a lot, was violent, cried and cried (her mother was recovering from a brain injury and the poor girl was struggling!). Actually, E was very mean to this girl very frequently. That said, at E's party I heard her say to some other kids (my DD included), "I invited everyone except Maddie and Brayden."

So that's karma, I guess.

What it comes down to is that, if I have to choose, I'm going to support my daughter as she develops confidence, people skills and good decisions about who to be friends with.

[moxielou]

Originally Posted by Geofizz

If there are 34 in the class, and this is a coed school, I'm guessing there are ~17 girls. If your DD invited all girls, then excluding just 5 and inviting 12 seems a bit off to me. Not saying you're wrong or this woman's behavior isn't over the top, but our rule is if we have a small party, it is less than half of the girls in the class.

Well she invited girls and boys. Her party included 6 girls from her class, 4 boys and 2 friends from other circles (her old preschool). So we didn't just "exclude" 5 girls. Out of 34 Kindergartners, 10 boys and girls were invited.

I do agree with ya'll that I should say nothing to the mom and be brief if she ever asks. "small party; small budget" or something like that.

[Cascadian]

Thank you for the backstory/further explanation. I have a bit more inclination to agree with your justification of what happened. Having said that, I still think it was a social faux pas that could have been handled quite differently from your end. As this is only kindergarden, you'll likely have to put up with this woman for a long time to come, especially if she is on the board of directors. Watch out for shrapnel, gossip and other petty fallout. I've seen it happen in DDs' preschool and kindy as well - it can get ugly. Choices like this can have long term consequences.