My DS used to be similar to your E, and my daughter has dealt with a child similar to your E at school.
As the parent of a child who was struggling with self-control and social integration, I did not expect him to get invited to parties. It hurt very, very badly. But I understand that in life you are largely included based on what you bring to a situation where it's not an "everyone's invited." You get invited to the parties when you have something in common and you get along well. When DS started having better social skills and better impulse control he gained true friends and invitations. I would never have expected him to be invited to a party where an "incident report" had happened with the party kid - and I knew who the kid was because DS told me and he made amends every time.
DD dealt with a girl similar to E in grades 3 and 4. She was physically violent, emotionally manipulative and really, really unpleasant a lot of the time. DD is extremely patient and forgiving, and always sees the best in others. I had to step in and stop the volume of contact because I believe that we teach people how to treat us and I couldn't participate in or condone the perpetuation of such a dysfunctional relationship.
Our E's mom is not reasonable in her expectations - she expects her DD to be included in everything despite behaving atrociously most of the time. Lessons we need to teach our children, I believe, include respect for others, understanding our effect on others, and reasonable expectations (IE we're not the centre of the universe and people don't have to put up with our worst day in and day out, particularly not outside of 9-3).
Given that your E's mother declared to a group of parents in the community that she didn't invite two children (and named them!), I'd suggest that she also lacks social skills, sensitivity and tact. I think that both mother and daughter are probably struggling, hurt and don't know how to do things differently at this point. Particularly if E is threatening your daughter regularly and being physical, I think distance is reasonable. Our guidance with DD re our E was that she had to be kind and gentle, but also had to be clear with E about her boundaries. DD was older but it was still hard; for a 5 year old I think distance is a reasonable solution.
Going forward, I would not talk to anyone in the school community about it and I would be friendly with E's mom. If she does bring it up, I would do as a PP suggested and just say something along the lines of "The party was at our house and we could only accomodate 12 kids. I'm sorry that E was hurt, it's so hard when they're so little." Empathizing may move her off being mad to feeling heard and help her move on.
As the parent of a child who was struggling with self-control and social integration, I did not expect him to get invited to parties. It hurt very, very badly. But I understand that in life you are largely included based on what you bring to a situation where it's not an "everyone's invited." You get invited to the parties when you have something in common and you get along well. When DS started having better social skills and better impulse control he gained true friends and invitations. I would never have expected him to be invited to a party where an "incident report" had happened with the party kid - and I knew who the kid was because DS told me and he made amends every time.
DD dealt with a girl similar to E in grades 3 and 4. She was physically violent, emotionally manipulative and really, really unpleasant a lot of the time. DD is extremely patient and forgiving, and always sees the best in others. I had to step in and stop the volume of contact because I believe that we teach people how to treat us and I couldn't participate in or condone the perpetuation of such a dysfunctional relationship.
Our E's mom is not reasonable in her expectations - she expects her DD to be included in everything despite behaving atrociously most of the time. Lessons we need to teach our children, I believe, include respect for others, understanding our effect on others, and reasonable expectations (IE we're not the centre of the universe and people don't have to put up with our worst day in and day out, particularly not outside of 9-3).
Given that your E's mother declared to a group of parents in the community that she didn't invite two children (and named them!), I'd suggest that she also lacks social skills, sensitivity and tact. I think that both mother and daughter are probably struggling, hurt and don't know how to do things differently at this point. Particularly if E is threatening your daughter regularly and being physical, I think distance is reasonable. Our guidance with DD re our E was that she had to be kind and gentle, but also had to be clear with E about her boundaries. DD was older but it was still hard; for a 5 year old I think distance is a reasonable solution.
Going forward, I would not talk to anyone in the school community about it and I would be friendly with E's mom. If she does bring it up, I would do as a PP suggested and just say something along the lines of "The party was at our house and we could only accomodate 12 kids. I'm sorry that E was hurt, it's so hard when they're so little." Empathizing may move her off being mad to feeling heard and help her move on.
I wouldn't give it a second thought.
