What latitude do you give your 8 yo clothes shopping?

[mom22girls]

My 8 yo DD really needed some new clothes so I took her shopping. I offered her the best (since she's the oldest of three girls, I figure the cost amortizes pretty well). We went to Esprit and Benetton and other upscale clothing stores. She eschewed all that but went straight for what I call the "spring break" look. Lots of 80s re-runs, neon t-shirts fringed at the bottom with belts and writing all over them. Also the off-the-shoulder Flash Dance stuff. Not really even a coy Lolita - more in your face look. I caved and bought her three of the more mild things she picked out, but her father doesn't even want to be seen with her the way she is dressed. She asked him if he liked it and he told her directly "no." She was a bit upset. She knows I don't really approve, and it's not like I'm steering her towards little girl stuff, just stuff that isn't so (what I think looks) trashy on an 8 year old.

So, I don't know what to do. How to lay down law, if I should lay down the law...I've tried to explain about people perceiving you a certain way when you wear certain clothes, but that also goes against, "you shouldn't judge people by what they wear." I don't know if an 8 year old gets it. I don't think she can see past how cool she thinks the clothes are.

Any advice on how to proceed????

Thanks!

[Thalia the Muse]

I pay for the clothes, so I have veto power over purchases. Fortunately, I haven't hit the skanky-clothes issue with my own 8-year-old ( she wants to wear boys' t-shirts instead), but I won't buy anything that doesn't fit right, or that I'm pretty sure from experience that she won't wear.

As far as the '80s flashback clothes, can you compromise and look for belted T-shirts with writing that aren't skimpy or sexy-looking? I will pay for things that aren't to my own taste, as long as they're not inappropriately sexualized, well-made, comfortable, and something she's likely to wear ... a neon T-shirt with fringe and writing might be LOUD, but it doesn't sound exactly sexually provocative. There's lots of stuff out there with fringe and glitter and loud colors that are totally appropriate for a little girl.

[mom2grrls]

What about it looks trashy in your opinion? Is it too tight, hanging off the shoulder,too short or is it just the colors and style? I do still pick out some of my DDs(8) clothing but I do ask her first if she likes it before I take tags off. I do have some rules about clothing but none of them have to do with color or what is in style, more like the length and tightness of the clothing. Not saying she likes the idea and it may even cause issues down the road but i'm hoping that eventually she can look beyond what is "cool" and go for what looks nice on her.

[MommatoAandA]

That look is really in right now, but if you are hoping to pass them down, therefore making the expensiveness not an issue, they may be out of fashion by the time your others wear them. FWIW, if its not provocative, then I, personally wouldn't have an issue with it.

That said, I buy the clothes and so I get the final say. Maybe picking out 5 options and letting her pick her favorite 3?

I wear some of the 80's throw back stuff personally, so I have a love for it, hee hee.

I would talk to your 8 year old about her fathers disapproval. Men tend to not always understand certain fashions and trends (hence why they own the same pair of jeans for years and generally hate shopping).

I would also talk to your husband and try to help him understand what is fashionable right now. I dont think it seems very reasonable to not want to be seen with his daughter in public over bright colored or fringed clothing? That seems a bit harsh to me. I would be hurt too, if I were her.

I am not a fan of off the shoulder tops for girls her age, I am not a fan of leggings either that are worn without a skirt over them, but neon or fringe seems ok to me.

ETA- A tighter top would be ok to me, if worn with an under shirt if the little girl is starting with breaast buds, skirts need to be no more than 3 inches above the knee, we don't have bikinis for our girls, both shoulders should be covered (unless its a tank top).

Also my children are wayyyy younger but we still follow rules about clothing in this house. The rules will not change for them later either.

[mom22girls]

Originally Posted by MommatoAandA

That look is really in right now, but if you are hoping to pass them down, therefore making the expensiveness not an issue, they may be out of fashion by the time your others wear them. FWIW, if its not provocative, then I, personally wouldn't have an issue with it.


ETA- A tighter top would be ok to me, if worn with an under shirt if the little girl is starting with breaast buds, skirts need to be no more than 3 inches above the knee, we don't have bikinis for our girls, both shoulders should be covered (unless its a tank top).

Also my children are wayyyy younger but we still follow rules about clothing in this house. The rules will not change for them later either.

Good points - *maybe I outline the rules (like you have) before we go shopping, so it doesn't get judgemental/emotional.
*Luckily the "fashiony" stuff isn't as expensive and won't last enough to be passed along (thank goodness!).
*Oddly, the off-the-shoulder shirt came with a tank-top under it. The tank on its own looks SO much better to me than with the "come hither" look of the off-the-shoulder over-shirt that says, "Lucky" on it. Again, was having a hard time explaining why Lucky has a bit of a double-entendre...

[Alyantavid]

My boys are into pretty plain clothes, collared shirts, jeans and shorts so it really hasn't been an issue.

I do discourage character stuff but we do have some, I just prefer the plainer things and they tend to pick those out as well.

[CarrieMF]

I let my kids pick their own clothes out. The only place I really veto on is price. If they don't like the clothes they're not going to want to wear them & then it's money down the drain.

I would talk to my DH about his reaction. It was not appropriate at all.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

I pay for the clothes, so I have veto power over purchases. Fortunately, I haven't hit the skanky-clothes issue with my own 8-year-old ( she wants to wear boys' t-shirts instead), but I won't buy anything that doesn't fit right, or that I'm pretty sure from experience that she won't wear.

This is us, pretty much, except dd HATES shopping (and I hate it even more), so we end up buying most of her clothes on-line at Hanna Andersson or Land's End. I have vetoed clothes before when she's wanted the exact same dress and pattern in just a different color.

So, there's pretty much no possibility to get skanky clothes there even if she wanted because of where we shop. My mom and I do sew some fun clothes for dd (she really likes pioneer-era and 1950's little girl dresses with big crinolines), but they are all modest and rather old-fashioned... much older than the 1980's!

[MLinPDX]

Originally Posted by velochic

I have vetoed clothes before when she's wanted the exact same dress and pattern in just a different color.

Why do you veto the same dress in a different color? When we find something DD really likes, I've even bought identical items so she can wear it more. I'd think something like a Hanna dress may just be super comfortable and desirable in more than one color.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

I let my kids pick their own clothes out. The only place I really veto on is price. If they don't like the clothes they're not going to want to wear them & then it's money down the drain.

I would talk to my DH about his reaction. It was not appropriate at all.

This is me if the price is right and it fits she can have it. I never thought about off the shoulder being come hither looking but then I dont put much thought into clothes.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by MLinPDX

Why do you veto the same dress in a different color?

Because it's my money and I get a little say about what to buy. She is always welcome to use her own money to buy 5 identical dresses if she wants to... which of course she doesn't want to do.

[ewe+lamb]

DD can pretty much have what she likes if it's within our price range, but then she's quite senisble in her clothing choice - she doesn't like to be fashionable, but prefers to sort of DIY her clothing, most of the time we buy white clothing and dye it ourselves - she gets to be more personally expressive that way and enjoys working with fabrics and sewing on her own beads and sequins and using fabric paints.

I would be very unhappy with my dh if he reacted to our dd in the same manner as your dh did, not great for someone's self esteem, at the end of the day she put together an outfit and is expressing herself, maybe some descriptive commentary would have been better - ever looked at How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk? They have some great ideas when we're faced with the dilemmas of our kids etc - worth a shot?!

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by mom22girls

The tank on its own looks SO much better to me than with the "come hither" look of the off-the-shoulder over-shirt that says, "Lucky" on it. Again, was having a hard time explaining why Lucky has a bit of a double-entendre...

I remember when I was slightly older than your dd that I wanted a plain old t-shirt (no off the shoulder stuff) that had the word "Yes" on it. It was a band t-shirt - anyone remember the group Yes? My father completely vetoed it.

My mother guided my clothing choices and had no problem putting her foot down when something was either too expensive or raunchy looking. They did let me wear bikinis, so I'm not sure what was going through their minds. Maybe beach wear belongs at the beach?

When I was old enough and earning money by babysitting, I used my money to buy my own clothes - and there was little my parents could do about it then. But I grew up in the "Pretty in Pink" time where leg warmers, designer jeans and preppy clothes were all the rage. Not necessarily risque looks. My parents probably had it easy compared to what's in the stores now.

I feel for the OP, though. My dd has had strong opinions on her clothing since she was 3. Luckily for me, she loves dresses and pink at the moment, and the oddest thing for us is some wacky color combinations she puts together. I'm sure that things will start to change in the not so distant future. So, I'm subbing.

[geekgolightly]

I don't like a lot of what my DS picks out. He prefers the skull tshirts, and anything scary or dangerous looking. I think he looks like a mini motorhead, but it's his style, so I tell him sure, as long as it's not expensive.

[geekgolightly]

That said! I don't think I could tolerate the writing "JUICY" on the butt, off the shoulder, super tight clothes for girls. There is a difference, I think, between sexualizing a child and allowing personal freedom to choose a style. But then again, I am an old school feminist who refused to shave for many years.

[phathui5]

I was in a childbirth class at a hospital recently where a student (a nursing student, not an expectant parent) was kicked out for wearing a Victoria's Secret hoodie. How you dress really does matter and I think it's ok to gently teach children about how you present yourself to others.

[LauraLoo]

I think that's true - that parents should guide their children, but how do you do it?

Certainly, a nursing student was exercising poor judgement, but she's an adult.

How do you tell an 8 year old that what she's wearing is suggestive and that people may judge her for that? Most 8 year olds that I know do not understand what promiscuity is.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by LauraLoo

I think that's true - that parents should guide their children, but how do you do it?

Certainly, a nursing student was exercising poor judgement, but she's an adult.

How do you tell an 8 year old that what she's wearing is suggestive and that people may judge her for that? Most 8 year olds that I know do not understand what promiscuity is.

Good question. right now this is all theoretical because neither of my kids care about the clothes they wear. I bring them home/order them online and they wear them.

I think I would simply explain that these clothes make them look too adult, and that I don't like that look. If pressed, I probably would say "those clothes are intended to make you look sexy, and sexy is OK for grown-ups sometimes, but kids are not ready for sex and shouldn't look sexy."

[ewe+lamb]

[QUOTE=LauraLoo;15516503They did let me wear bikinis, so I'm not sure what was going through their minds. Maybe beach wear belongs at the beach?[/QUOTE]

Our dd has bikinis, she tends to just wear the bottoms of said garment but I'm not sure what's wrong with bikinis - unless this is a more european vs USA thing, of course we tend to only wear that sort of thing at the pool or beach however the other day we were in the park and she was wearing her bikini top and shorts as the kids were all playing with water pistols - I don't know, I don't see a bikini as sexy wheras some other girls clothing - especially at the age of nearly 8 and they are wearing clothes for 10 or 12 year olds can be far sexier than any of the bikinis I've seen, maybe it's because at the pool folk here can only wear the skimpy type of swimming costumes rather than the baggier bermuda trunks other countries allow. Hmm maybe I should reconsider things but then if she's comfortable with it I'm not sure I'll put a stop to it

[LauraLoo]

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb

I don't know, I don't see a bikini as sexy wheras some other girls clothing - especially at the age of nearly 8 and they are wearing clothes for 10 or 12 year olds can be far sexier than any of the bikinis I've seen, maybe it's because at the pool folk here can only wear the skimpy type of swimming costumes rather than the baggier bermuda trunks other countries allow. Hmm maybe I should reconsider things but then if she's comfortable with it I'm not sure I'll put a stop to it

I don't see a problem with wearing bikinis either. My parents were just a little inconsistent with what was ok and what wasn't. I'd been wearing bikinis at the beach for years, and then they refused to let me wear a prom dress my junior year that was strapless - and it didn't even matter if I had bought it with my money or not. And this was the time when Gunne Sax dresses with hoop skirts were the rage - not suggestive, tight fitting, cleavage showing (and beyond) evening dresses that high school girls wear now. Gosh, I feel so old and prudish even writing this. Anyway, I don't have a problem with bikinis, however my dd likes tankinis or one pieces so I'm not pushing bikinis, either. And yes, I think Europeans are generally more lax on beach wear than the US.