Would You Go? (Birthday Party...No $ For Gift)

[Sierra]

Several weeks ago, my 5 year old son was invited to a birthday party of a child who had come to his birthday party, and we were excited for the opportunity to continue the relationship during the summer when they won't otherwise see one another. We RSVPd yes.

Our parties are always "no gifts please" parties, but this is not the case for most of the parties my kids have been invited to so far. Which is fine, except that we just don't have money for all these gifts, and I am so not able to craft something. So lately we've found a few inexpensive but cool gifts that are our "usual" items...they are toys the kids are always excited to give to their friends, and I feel okay about what they are. There is not a lot of overlap in friends (we know kids from several circles), so it doesn't work out that anyone has noticed us giving the same things.

Anyway, that had been our plan for this birthday party, and I intended for us to go pick up these toys tomorrow morning a couple hours before the party. However, on Thursday I had to pay an unexpected $300 bill for a necessary emergency house repair, and it hit me today when I remembered the party that we don't even have a few bucks to our name now...and we still have to get through until the 25th when I get paid again...plus, we need to buy some oil somehow to keep our hot water on. I am worried about that and groceries and things, and buying a gift for a friend of my kid just can't be a priority in the least.

I don't know whether ds remembers the party is tomorrow, though if we skipped the party, eventually I am sure it will occur to him that we didn't go. I know he would understand if we explained the situation to him, but he is a worrier, and I really don't want to start a cycle of anxiety for him. Plus, I grew up worrying about my parent's financial situation, and while I want my kids to have some real-life education about money, I don't want them to experience what I did.

I could come up with an excuse last minute about why we can't go. For example, I have a ton of work I need to get done, and I am flying solo this weekend while my dw is chaperoning a trip with our church youth group. On the other hand, my kids already feel like they play second fiddle to my work, and I would feel awful telling them, "oh, sorry, we can't because..." I guess I could try to come up with a fun, free alternative, and come up with an "out" with the mom. That seems one of the better solutions, but what do I say to my kids about why we can't go to the party?

(One other reason I am reluctant to go is that the kids have been invited to wear costumes, and my son wants to wear what he calls his "princess dress," which is fine with me, but would probably start some issue with this crowd, and I don't know them well enough to test those waters yet...my son is a total cross-dresser LOL.)

Is there something I could make without having craft ability, money for supplies, or much time? I mean, the party is at 11 in the morning. It's a tea party. If I look, I probably will find some kid-friendly herbal teas in my cabinet. I do have a "special mug" someone from work gave me for Christmas, with this little spoon that is sort of built-in. I wonder if I could put together a little tea kit? But she is also turning 5, and I don't think by "tea party" they are saying this kid has a big love of tea, you know? I mean, my kids love tea, but this is a fairly mainstream family from what I can tell. Also, do you think other parents would generally be okay with me giving their kid a ceramic tea mug?

The other thought is that somewhere I have this set of cool "architectural" blocks that I ended up with through a neighbor, and I did not pay for it, though I have since felt indebted and have been trying to pay her back in various ways. It is brand new, and I was saving it for an occassion when we needed a gift for our kids or someone else. I don't know where it is at the moment, but there is a 75% chance I can remember by the time of the party. My only reluctance is (1) I have no idea if this kid is into building or if she'd appreciate this kind of thing, and (2) it would be a shame to give it to her if she wouldn't appreciate it because it is a $60 (!!!) set.

What would you do?

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

I'd probably give the blocks because really whatever you gave her, she may like or she may not. my ds cameron went to a birthday party on his little brothers birthday i didn't have enough money so my dad gave cameron a new toy car to give him, the boy didn't like it but his dad did lol

[odenata]

I had almost the exact same thing happen last month. My dd was invited to a double birthday party two weeks after hers, so I had to come up with two gifts. I made homemade playdough "cupcakes" and crayon "cookies." To make those you need flour, salt, cream of tartar, cooking oil, food coloring, and broken crayons for the crayon cookies. I also used essential oils to scent my playdough.

For each girl, I made four different colors of scented playdough, shaped them like cupcakes, put them in a cupcake paper and wrapped it in saran wrap. I made the crayon cookies just like above but used mini-muffin liners so they had a ruffled edge.

I wouldn't let the gift situation dictate whether you go to the party or not. If you think your DS would have fun, go. Actually, the last two birthday parties DD went to, they didn't even open the gifts at the party.

I think the blocks sound a little much for a friend's birthday party. Around here, gifts are usually in the $10-20 range at most.

[thixle]

Ok, these threads bug the crap out of me. And are probably the reason my almost 5 year old barely has any friends come to her parties.

Gifts are not mandatory. For anyone, at any party, any time, any age. But especially at young ages... Do you want your kid to get the idea they aren't good enough to go to the party because they didn't bring a gift? I think it's their presence at the party that is the gift-- especially for kids (like mine) with summer b-days (can't do the "party" at school, too).

There is no way I'd pay $10-$20 for a kid I didn't know just for DD to see her friend and eat cake... apparently, I'm crazy and not materialistic enough to attend b-day parties in "Middle America"

[Artichokie]

I would go and if you are confronted for some odd reason, just say you walked out of the house w/o her gift and will send it along at a later date.

[carfreemama]

I would go to the party. I understand the pressure to give gifts, but I would not stay away from a party because of it. I know at least one little girl who never goes to parties she's invited to because of this issue and she always comments on how sad she is to miss out.

I think the playdough and crayons idea is a great one. The ceramic mug sounds good, too. I don't think it really matters if it's a perfect gift; I think a tea mug for a tea party sounds pretty creative, even if they don't actually mean real tea. You can say how much your kids enjoy it. It's fine. Some of the gifts dd has received over the years didn't totally hit the mark. Dd couldn't have cared less. I think you're good to go. And I also think it's fine to go sans present, too.

How worried are you about the costume? Do you need to sort that out, or is that just a side-issue?

[puffingirl]

I'd go and bring the tea mug--she might really love having a real, grown-up tea cup! Even if you didn't have the mug, I'd still say "go"--make a card with crayons and paper if you feel you must, but the party is supposed to be about having fun with your friends, not gifts. I hope everyone has a good time!

[Sotevenn]

I'd go & bring the mug you mention. DD (5) would be thrilled to get a mug like that. Many kids I know are super excited to get something *real* / grown up.

[feminist~mama]

go party- don't worry about the gift. the party is a celebration of life, not a gift grab, right?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Sierra

If I look, I probably will find some kid-friendly herbal teas in my cabinet. I do have a "special mug" someone from work gave me for Christmas, with this little spoon that is sort of built-in. I wonder if I could put together a little tea kit? ....
The other thought is that somewhere I have this set of cool "architectural" blocks that I ended up with through a neighbor, and I did not pay for it, though I have since felt indebted and have been trying to pay her back in various ways.

I think that either of those sounds great, even if you had money to go buy something else.

One year, a friend called (in tears) and said that she didn't want to bring her kids to my DD's birthday party because of no money for a gift, and I told her that I didn't care about the gift and they should come because we would really, really miss them if they didn't. She ended up wrapping up a violin CD (that she already owned) and giving it to my DD, who had just started violin lessons the month before. It was one of my DD's favorite gifts.

[lilyka]

i think playdough cup cakes sound like a wonderful idea!!! I am so using that next time my kid is invited to a party. Thanks.

Perhaps, if you really want to get a cool gift and just can't right now, you could make a nice card (ds can) and mention discreetly that something came up and you haven't had a chance to pick up the gift you had planned on getting. But that ds can't wait to give it to her the next time they get together (assuming the next playdate is in a few weeks not the next day....)

Another good gift idea is a mix tape. yeah thats right. a mix tape. or CD. assuming you have the neccesary goods for that. If not, when is the party? I have a middle schooler who would love to go on a mission to make a mix tape (er, CD. but ,mix CD just isn't the same as mix tape ya know.) for five year old.

[Irishmommy]

Give the mug with the tea. If you can, wrap it in cellophane, if you have any, to make it really festive. If you happen to have any packets of hot chocolate, that would work too in it.

[Ornery]

In your situation, I would have my ds make a card for the birthday child and go. I see no problem with going to a party without a gift and can't imagine anyone I know making a fuss about it.

If you aren't comfortable outright saying that you didn't bring a gift, I would bake/make something tonight that has to do with the tea party theme and take it.

I definitely would not let not having a bought gift stop my child from attending the party. And I wouldn't bring a $60 set of blocks

[Purple*Lotus]

I go to every single birthday party that my preschool students invite me too. I have 20 students. So I see a lot of birthday action

Not all of the kids always bring presents to the parties. Sometimes they don't at all. Other times they bring one later and leave it with the birthday kid at school. Most of the time they don't even do the gift opening at the party anyhow.

So I would go and not worry about it The crayons sound like a cute idea to me as well

And for the record, I never bring a gift. And I still get invited to them all so I guess it hasn't bothered anyone yet

[Otterella]

I vote tea & mug, too. All girls and a lot of boys (including mine) LOVE being able to use real tea for their tea parties. Personally, I would far rather someone put together something thoughtful from what they already had than went and threw away money on a piece of MIC plastic crap just because it was "mainstream". A good friend of mine also has trouble affording gifts, and puts together little baskets of dollar store stuff. I would be very upset if she felt like she shouldn't come because she couldn't afford a "good" gift. And you know what? The cheap doo-dads she's given my kids are the toys they fight over, not the expensive ones.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by feminist~mama

go party- don't worry about the gift. the party is a celebration of life, not a gift grab, right?

[ledzepplon]

My dd, who is 6, would be thrilled with tea and a mug. However, I am firmly in the camp that you don't *need* to bring a gift. In fact, I'd be much more apt to have b-day parties for my kids if I thought people would really honor a "no gifts please" request.

[snoopy5386]

how about a book? Right now sitting on DD's bookshelf are probably 20 books that we have either never read or read once or twice and really are like new. There is no way anyone could tell that they aren't brand new. That would be my emergency gift if I had to give one.

[Girlprof]

I would also go, but with this caveat. What explanation are you going to give your DS about the lack of a gift? Will this occur to him or not?

Here is the reason I ask. One of my DS's friends (so-called) came to his party with no gift. I actually don't care and DS probably wouldn't have noticed except the "friend" kept saying over and over "I didn't get you a present!" in a nasty way. That was NOT cool and my son got quite upset.

I suspect that this friend's mom forgot about the party (they arrived quite late) and therefore didn't have time to get a present. I also suspect that the friend felt quite bad about this and didn't handle it in a very good way. They did give a gift later, with a note apologizing. These two boys also have a very long and mixed history.

For this reason, though, I would consider trying to come up with a gift. You've had some great ideas already. Two dollars at the dollar store might yield a big helium balloon, which you could attach to some other trinket. At this age, they don't have much of an idea of what things cost, nor do they care. But they do understand that the norm is to take a gift to a birthday party.

[Fuamami]

How about if your ds just makes him a really nice card? Or, I don't know how his motor skills are, he could make him a coloring page? My dd used to do this all the time, she'd just draw a picture with her black marker, and then roll it up and tie it w/ribbon.

I don't think you have to bring a gift to a birthday party, but I hate to show up anywhere empty-handed, so a card is often a nice compromise.