what am i doing wrong??

[catinthehat]

I have two dd's ages 4 and 6. I feel like every morning lately I wake up tired and the first thing I hear is them screaming at each other and fighting. Seriously, first thing. It is so awful. I haven't even gotten out of bed yet, and they are hurting each other and fighting. So it totally puts me into the worst mood. We are adjusting to dd1 being home for summer vacation. Dh is working still full time, so it is me and the girls alone all the time.
They fight constantly and hurt each other. Dd1 is also very much into power struggles with me. Or maybe it is that she just wants my attention all the time and gets jealous when I give any attention to dd2. She does this thing where she will say, "what?" after every single thing I say. Yes, she has had her hearing checked. Most of the time I will say to her, "what did I just say?". And she will repeat it right back to me. Ahhhh! Why does she do that? It is like she needs constant contact with me or something. She does a lot testing too. Today she kept walking in the garden, acting like she was doing it by accident. I think she was jealous that dd2 was helping me with something in the garden( i had asked her to help to but she declined). I responded with anger instead of with, "it looks like you want my attention right now".
She was really cooperative and into "pleasing" me when she first got out of school. But she has gradually slipped back into the old way of power struggles and being really uncooperative. What am I doing wrong?!? My husband said tonight, that I am too pessimistic. Yes, I agree. I feel hopeless sometimes thinking about what an awful mom I was today or how I have to get up to them screaming at each other tomorrow morning. I used to devote a lot more energy to GD. Lately I just threaten a lot. It feels like they would suck all of my energy away from me if they could. Kwim? Or maybe that sounds really weird. But I feel like sometimes with GD it is easier for them to manipulate you, and so they will try every trick in the book before they listen to you. I am tired of that. I want to have interests of my own. I want to have time to myself. I deserve a little quiet sometimes. I don't want my veggies tromped on!
So is it just my attitude that is the problem here? Do I need to be talking and processing more with them? Is this normal? I just want to move somewhere where I can send them out to play in the woods first thing int he morning and not see them most of the day, cause they are too much!

[coffeegirl]

As far as just the fighting/yelling between your daughters...have you tried any kind of positive reinforcement with them? For instance, maybe there could be a special treat that they can have, but only if they don't get into a fight during the day. Whatever issues that are there between them may still exist, and can be worked on seperately, but here you'd just be dealing with how they are expressing it; ie: the yelling, hitting, whatever. If they wake you up yelling at eachother, they won't get the treat.

I'm sure some here may say that that's "manipulative" but seriously...any thoughtful or non-spontaneous way of dealing with people can be construed as being manipulative, you know? I think it's just a parenting method that, in my own experience, can be very effective.

[NellieKatz]

I wish I had more time to craft a long and thoughtful answer. Some initial impressions:

It sounds like you & your kids are on opposing teams; maybe rethink that. What are your long-term goals....immediate obedience in the short term or a loving and close relationship over the years. It's easy to get lost in the conflict and forget the bigger picture.

Consider that GD is not that much different than Non-Gentle Discipline, because in both cases you're still getting "them" to do what "you" want. Consider instead looking at them as fellow travelers in this brief and amazing lifetime we humans are given. Of course as parents we are to protect and guide them, but they're hard-wired to learn what they need to learn from us. We don't need to do as much "to" them or "for" them as we might have been taught growing up.

Also I see maybe there's a need for boundaries. The phrase "I want to have interests of my own. I want to have time to myself. I deserve a little quiet sometimes." were a dead giveaway. :-)
There's a good book by Cloud & Townsend on Boundaries, and Boundaries with Kids. The authors are Christians but I found both books very helpful even though the Christian parts of what they said weren't relevant to me. What they had to say about Boundaries just makes plain sense no matter what religion a person is.

Also, I have struggled in the past with some of these things although we don't scream. But in any case, I found it really helpful to watch some of the other moms in my rather earthy-crunchy circle of friends to see what they do, and the ones that really impressed me were the ones that were sort of calm and let their kids be real free. I think it's easy for most parents to think that we have to be fully involved in every little dispute or bump in the road, and that we have to fix things or be teaching every second...it can wear us out. Sometimes a more hands-off approach can provide sanity. :-) And it teaches them problem-solving in the meantime. Oh, there's a book and web site about Non-Violent Communication by a man named Rosenberg....Google that. Some of the parenting articles are a big help!!

There is a book called Mindful Parenting which is very wonderful. I hope I am remembering the title right. It's by the author whose last name is Kabat-Zinn...actually it's a couple; they are married. Sorry I am too lazy to look it up right now on this slow computer.

I have to go to bed. That was probably the LEAST coherent response I've given here, but it's too easy for me to get carried away writing, thinking, editing, re-writing, and then it's past midnight and I am tired the next day. Best of luck to you; it will be fine. These are all totally solvable things, in my opinion. Try to do less, and ask less of the kids. No one needs the pressure right now.

I look forward to seeing the other replies. good night.

[mom2grrls]

I recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. But while you get ahold of that and start reading, do you spend one on one time with older DD w/out DD2 around?