My child doesn't participate

[TonyaW]

My son is 3.5 years old. He seems kind of shy when it comes to participating in things like a gym class or like today in a story time theater show. I have signed him up for a swim class and for Vacation Bible School. However, I am wondering what I should do to help him participate. He has never been in daycare of preschool. I don't want to push him and make him dislike classes or events, but is there anything I should do or should I just let him be for now.

The thing is I am volunteering to help in his vacation Bible school class. I don't know if I can do that if I have to be with my son and help him participate the whole time. I am wondering if I should cancel VBS?

[SaoirseC]

Personally, I'm kind of this way. I think some people feel sorry for me, as if I'm somehow uncomfortable with joining. Most of the time when I'm acting like a wallflower, it's because I'm enjoying watching the action- sometimes being a part of the action is just too intense for me. That might be the case for your DS, or it's possible he's going through a "shy stage" (though I wouldn't use the word "shy" around him). Either way, I would just let him be. He'll turn out alright!

[LynnS6]

Wait!

Our ds was not a participator either. We did a parent-child soccer class at 2 that went OK. We did a child only at age 3 that was a disaster.

At 5, he was able to do a child-only soccer class, but wasn't that interested in signing up for more.

At 7, he tried a soccer team and liked it OK.

At 9, he's finally asking to participate in things, not just saying "maybe" when we suggest them.

He's a highly sensitive child, he's an introvert and he learns best by watching first. He just wasn't ready for classes at 3. Looking back, it wasn't necessary and I'm glad we didn't try any harder than we did.

I recommend: The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child and the Highly Sensitive Child.

[momshelper]

I was a very shy child and even at 41 still have to sometimes build up the courage to do or go places on my own but hey we can't all be the same. Forcing him to participate when he really doesn't want to will make him worse. Let him be your guide as to how much he wants to join in, dont stop making plans for him and encouraging him but dont push him.

[amma_mama]

DD was not big on participating when she was at that age, but she did love to watch the action, if she could, so I just let her be...an occasional prompt but let it go if she resisted. Then she gradually treid to join in, though sometimes in not quite the right way, like running around with a random group of kids that did not take notice of her, but if she was having fun and the other kids did not mind, I also let her be in those situations. As far as she was concerned, she was "in" on the action. If the other kids seemed to feel like she was intruding, then I would gently steer her toward another activity.

Today, at 5.5yo, she is sometimes hesitant to join in if there are a lot of people or a lot going on, but if she can find one person to initiate conversation/play with, she will take the initiative to join in. She almost always finds another new kid at the park to play with. In a bigger group, even of her own friends, she tends to get quiet though (which is sort of like me - I do well with 2-3 other people, but more than that I turn into a spectator).

So, to answer your question, I woul djust let him be. If he is happy to be a spectator then let him do so. With DD, I felt that it was her way to get comfortable and, over time, she has become more of an active participant in these types of situations.

[spirit4ever]

both my ds's were slow to warm up to things.

For my oldest ds who's now 8 when i joined him up for a gymnastics/hip hop type class it was only towards the end of his second year that he actually started to participate and enjoy it!

And only this summer has he really ENJOYED playing soccer!

I had to learn to encourage but not to push him.

[TonyaW]

OP here...Well I wouldn't classify my son as shy or introverted. He is social and when we are out tries to have conversations with strangers and waves and says hello, though he is soft spoken. He can be shy with some strangers who are particularly aggressive in their approach to talk to him. He doesn't participate in child group activities. We use to go to one of those gym classes. He loved going to play but he wouldn't participate in the instruction of the class. So we had to stop since it was so expensive. I am inclined to leave him be.

[One_Girl]

My dd was like that and I let her sit in a comfortable place and watch then interact if she wanted to. I didn't try to coax her into it because it made it worse if I or a teacher did that. I just quietly let her come in to the activity on her own. I have found that she does better if I am not there with her though. If I am watching she will make dramatic faces at me and she is less resilient when she isn't getting her way than she is when I am not in the room.

[omelette]

My son (4yr) is an observer more than a participator.
He gets so excited to sign up for activities and we talk about it before hand and when we get there he just watches. He was beyond excited to do a boys hip hop dance class, he observed for about 6 of the 8 classes and during the last 2 classes he joined in a few activities.
If we go to the park he stands and observes all the action, often it's time to come home and he hasn't played on any equipment. I let him know we have 10 min, 5 min left if he wants to play with anything but he loves to watch.
I let him watch and check out all the action. I ask him if he wants to try something and encourage but try not to push him.
He's been in preschool this yr and he was the same there, it's only in the last month that he has started to join in and play with some of the kids.
He wants to sign up for a soccer club this summer. Were going to do it and my fingers are crossed that he'll love it and join in but we'll see.
I don't think observing is such a bad thing. I'm amazed by what he learns and picks up by watching others. And I'm learning that when he's comfortable he will start to join in as he chooses.