How to get almost 4yo to participate more and like his school better?

[Ophelia]

We started DS at a Montessori in December. Being highly sensitive and having a hard time with change, it took him over 2 months to get used to it and I thought about pulling him a few times.

When he is there, the teachers say he does fine and seems to like it. He is there 3 days a week (soon to be 2 because I am recently unemployed and we cannot afford it), and 2 days a week at his Grandma's.

Most mornings he asks where he is going that day. When I say school, he says Noooooooo! I ask why and sometimes he cannot tell me, other times he will say he does not know what to do at activity time, or when it will stop, or naptime is too long.

He also seems to get overwhelmed easily. I'm sure he gets that from me (I was recently diagnosed with ADHD/inattentive and have a lot of the symptoms, one being overwhelmed and giving up easily). If something seems too hard for him or if a book has too many words (that I am reading to him) he doesn't want to do it. Last night we were reading a longer book and he wanted to skip a page that had mostly words.

Sometimes I think it's not that he doesn't like school, it's that he'd rather go to Grandma's because Grandma spoils him!

An example of not participating: They had been practicing for the end of the year school program. At the program, he started out great but then got upset because he wanted water and we were not allowed to get him some water. When we couldn't give the water to him, he got mad/upset and then decided not to do any more songs or participation in the program for the rest of it (which was most of it). As it was his first program, I didn't expect him to do everything or remember everything, but I could tell he deliberately just decided not to participate because he didn't get what we wanted.

How can we encourage him?

[D_McG]

Why weren't you allowed to get water? A refusal to participate while thirsty sounds totally normal to me. I'm sure that's not helpful but I'm wondering if maybe it's just not the right school for him?

[One_Girl]

I say this in new posts and have to say that moving him probably won't make him participate more if he doesn't want to, especially if he is a stubborn child. My dd wouldn't participate in school if she was angry and pouted during her final performance in preschool too because she didn't like one of the songs and she had to be bribed to participate in her end of the year performance in her music class when she was four. It is very embarrasing to be the parent of the child who is pouting in front of everyone. Luckily I have experience with not always being that parent. Moving schools didn't change her dramatic side when faced with something she doesn't like to do. Having a teacher who didn't give any attention to her pouting one way or another helped a lot though. Not going along with her when she gets in a dramatic phase and reminding her about how much fun she will have once she goes to school also helps a lot.

If you find yourself not feeling right about this school then I think you should pay attention to that feeling. There are many school types (and depending on where you live many Montessori schools) because not one type fits every child. I don't think that it sounds like a school issue if he does well in school once he is there, typically gets a drink when he needs it, and mostly just wants the freedom that comes with being indulged a lot at grandma's house.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by D_McG

Why weren't you allowed to get water? A refusal to participate while thirsty sounds totally normal to me. I'm sure that's not helpful but I'm wondering if maybe it's just not the right school for him?

That's what I was thinking, too. If I was thirsty, I wouldn't be interested in singing either.

[spedteacher30]

I just want to second that I really wish I had listened to the little voice that wasn't sure if my son's school was the right fit for him. it would have saved us a lot of heartbreak, and a fair amount of trauma for my son. And, I think we wouldn't be struggling now as he tries to "unlearn" a lot of unhealthy lessons he learned there.

We're hoping that the Montessori program we are looking to move him into decides they can work with him, otherwise we are really lost for next year.

[mojobin]

Montessori education tends to be very child directed and some children do very well in that environment and others need much more structure. It's really the same for adults some do better with less structure than others. I could never be self employed b/c I'd never get anything done! LOL. You may want to explore other forms of education for your child. You may also see if you can get the teachers to modify some things in his current environment. For example, you said that he always asks when things will be over. Perhaps you could buy a timer that visually takes time away. We have one in my classroom that is like this. It's hard to explain, but it is wonderful because the kids can start to understand how time goes by and anticipate when activities will be ending. If he is only 4 then any activity that lasts for more than 5 minutes (unless it is super super engaging) is going to seem long. Best of luck. Remember also that preschool is not compulsory. You could keep him home until he matures a little more and is able to enjoy the social environment of school and being away from intimate caregivers.

[Ophelia]

Thanks for your input! The program was at a church, since the school does not have the capacity to host it. We had to wait about 5-10 minutes for a break and then DH called DS over to where we were sitting and he did get water, but then he still did not want to participate even after that.

We do have a visual "time timer" at home, but I don't know if they would do something like that in school. I just talked to the director about his general day to day there and he is falling asleep for naps, and does fine during activity time and picks out his own activities.

I'm not sure what other form of education/daycare would be better for him right now. There is no Waldorf around here, just Montessori, daycare centers, and in-home daycares. He was at an in-home daycare before this.