I never thought I'd be in this section...

[flower01]

but, my baby is almost 9 months old and I'm struggling. Background: Had first baby at home in a very homebirth friendly area. Lots of resources and medical professionals i could talk to. 2nd baby was born at home in an area that was less homebirth-friendly. We had to sneak around to find a midwife, and it was very difficult to find the resources that we were used to having. I do not have an OB. We were happy with our midwife the whole pregnancy, the birth was long and difficult. Baby was facing the wrong way, which they didn't figure out until the end. So labor was extremely difficult. I tore, but was told that it stitches weren't necessary. I also lost a LOT of blood. So midwife instructed me to stay in bed for a week - to help the tear heal...and because of the loss of blood. I was just told to keep my legs together and stay in bed as much as possible. Everything was going well until a couple weeks after the birth. I felt like I wasn't healing right, i had more bleeding and my vaginal area just felt "wrong." I looked in mirror and it was disturbing...I have to admit I don't regularly look at myself...so I couldn't explain exactly what was wrong, but it freaked me out. We called midwife, she came and assured us that everything was fine...it looked bad because of the swelling but it was healing normally. Now here we are 9months later and it still doesn't feel right to me. Sex is painful and feels different...i don't want to be graphic, but it's not enjoyable to me anymore. But, even outside of intercourse...i feel different all the time...like I'm always open. When I go to the bathroom and wipe...it's almost like i can't tell the difference between my vagina and my anus. I feel like I should have had stitches. Like, my midwife wasn't honest with me. I fear that I need major surgery to repair it. I'm frustrated and my poor husband is frustrated too.

[angelpie545]

First of all, hugs your way. I'm so very sorry you are dealing with this. My best advice to you is to find an OB, be very honest, and ask if there's anything to be done. If the first one you see gives you a hard time, find another. It's 100% worth it for you to feel comfortable with yourself and be able to enjoy intimate time with your husband. I would also gently suggest that talking with a therapist may be helpful in working through some of the emotions you are feeling.

[scottishmommy]

I would take it a step further and see a Urogynecologist. I had a really bad tear with dd that wasn't repaired properly. I know exactly what you are feeling. I finally got the nerve to see a urogyn and I am sooo glad I did. She was so great! As it turns out the muscles in my perineum basically ruptured. I also have a tiny bit of a prolapse but the doctor said that it's a normal consequence of pregnancy. I went to a physical therapist and am seeing a chiro. Both have helped tremendously. I feel like I got my life back! The best part is that I won't need surgery. Get thee to a urogyn!

[MsBlack]

I would definitely get a 2nd opinion, ASAP.

[GoBecGo]

Go and see someone. A gyn, a urogyn, an ob, see someone. Get the physical side of it sorted. That's for one!

For two, maybe you should talk this over with your midwife? She can't change practice without knowing the problems you had, and i would want to give her the chance to respond. Or if that would be too painful for you, then another midwife? Or a counsellor? We put so much faith in careproviders when we're birthing our babies, a breach of that trust is terribly damaging. You should talk it through with someone and work through your emotions.

With my DD1 i tore, and was not stitched though it was a curved tear and 2nd degree, and my perineum is under 2cm to begin with. I didn't want stitches and she assured me it would be better left, even though the other MW with her recommended stitching. I healed well and had no problems, until a week after DD2 was born (so a week ago). I tore very slightly this time, definitely only 1st degree (i checked MYSELF out with a mirror right after, this was a little split at 6pm and a graze around it, it had healed by day 5) and i've had no trouble from it. But the scar from DD1...? It has been pulling and pulling as it shrinks back at a different rate from the rest of the area, and i can feel a lump of torn muscle underneath it which was previously inside, because DD2 coming past it stretched it all out. A week on it is less painful and seems to be going "back" where it was, but it was really quite painful for several days - so much so that i thought i'd somehow gotten a perineal infection post-healing of my new tear!

I know my perineum will "work" once it's all healed, if yours still feels painful don't wait, go and get some help. Your tear, how it wasn't repaired and how it has healed are NOT your fault and you don't have to live with the way it is now. WHatever needs to happen (it could be surgery, or just removal of excess scar tissue, which can sometimes be a simple appointment procedure!) will not be as bad as living with it and feeling how you are. Massive

[MommatoAandA]

see a Urogynecologist. If it feels wrong, most likely, you are right and it needs attention. If you had to sneak to find a midwife I suspect that it may be illegal in your area, not to be offensive but if this is the case, your midwife may have not wanted to get in trouble. Either way, sorry for what you are going through and please see someone as soon as possible. ((HUGS))

[scottishmommy]

I also wanted to add that when I saw a urogyn they didn't ask anything about where I gave birth or who delivered the baby. They really don't care about your birth choices. They just want to fix your yoni! Don't be afraid, you wont get a lecture.

[flower01]

Originally Posted by scottishmommy

I also wanted to add that when I saw a urogyn they didn't ask anything about where I gave birth or who delivered the baby. They really don't care about your birth choices. They just want to fix your yoni! Don't be afraid, you wont get a lecture.

Thanks ladies. All of your advice and encouragement are much appreciated.

It's amazing how a relatively small physical issue can cause such emotional pain.

[Sara Badger]

As a midwife I hear this all the time from both sides! I can't tell you how mad it makes me that midwifes won't stitch when it really does need it!  I hate taking clients from a midwife in my area that tore because there vaginas are a mess and they have a harder time with the next birth. Seriously It is part of the job! Go get checked out by and OB and see if there is something they can do. having it repaired now will be hard but WORTH it! I'm so sorry she didn't do them for you.  Note for all others who are going to homebirth ask if she does repairs if she says no thats a RED flag you should not ignore.

[Sara Badger]

And if you do get it repaired drop her a note and tell her the story. Midwifes need to hear what happened in order to learn and grow. 

[MsBlack]

I agree--tell your mw what happened for you, as soon as you get a look at it by a urogyn and have some facts to hand. 

The big red flag for me was that you were still swollen so long after the birth, especially considering so much bedrest afterward.  The bleeding should have been a cue as well.  Clearly your mw does not know enough about assessing tears and healing progress.  Even a very skilled mw can have certain areas of practice where she is simply not as qualified, and does not realize it--she needs to know how  badly she flopped on this one so she can improve her practice!  Because I do not suture--and do not see many tears at all--I try to be VERY cautious about tear assessment and my assessment of healing progress.  I do not rely solely upon my own observations of a mother, nor even on that combined with prior experience.  I also always ask a mom with tear how she is feeling, functioning, etc, in the early days--and take any complaints very seriously because I do not want my potential lack of experience/knowledge in this area to become a mother's worst nightmare. 

She probably didn't assess your tear adequately/correctly.  She almost certainly didn't assess your healing progress adequately.  And she didn't take your concerns seriously enough.  If I am ever in any doubt--or it seems that mom is in doubt, even if I feel sure--I encourage her to get an OB to look at her, ASAP.  Sounds like your mw is skilled in many ways--and that this is an area where she needs further instruction and greater caution.  Most tears are small and simple--and heal perfectly well on their own.  But some are not so simple, and not so easily assessed--and mws need to be skilled enough.  I'd rather look like a big dork to the mom for not being sure, than to place too much trust in my abilities in this area and thus contribute to the kind of problems you have faced. 

So--get you to a urogyn ASAP!  And know that you, like these other posters, can very likely have a return to health and  joy with your yoni, with some medical help.  And then, make sure your mw gets the news--she and all her future clients need this.  Besides, you may well find emotional healing by letting her know of this complaint....and that can make it totally worth any angst you may feel about complaining.