Uncomfortable with how DH corrects children - Page 3

[TiredX2]

Moved to Parenting for OP access

[marge234]

Originally Posted by riverscout

Well I just wanted to chime in to say I do think your husband overreacted in both situations and acted rather inappropriately, especially in the dog situation since you were right there and he should have assumed you had it under control rather than jump to the worst possible conclusion. That said, he may have some underlying reasons why he acts this way. The anxiety InMediasRes described sounds quite plausible from what I know of others with the same issue. But whatever it is, I think it needs addressing. It's not okay if he is acting this way all the time. Occasionally, sure, everyone is human. Multiple times a day, not so much. But if he isn't will to concede there is any issue, then I'm not sure there is much you can do other than make peace with it or move on.

And I feel strongly that parenting solidarity does not apply in these situations. If you feel the kids are being treated harshly/unfairly you correct it in front of the kids. You can give him a heads up that if it continues you will call him out, in front of kids and whomever else is there. If he doesn't want his wife arguing with him about "discipline", don't act like a bully.

You can't control DH's behavior but you can let your kids know that you don't think it's OK. That the kids get the message they don't deserve to be bullied is more important than parenting solidarity.

Perhaps DH has issues that cause him to behave badly. That doesn't mean OP has to let her kids think they deserve his outbursts.

[ivymae]

I think as isolated incidents, they are not noteworthy, but as a pattern ("all too often") they are concerning. If this is his go-to parenting response, i would be upset as well. In my marriage, I feel like I can say "Hey, we need to talk about this because it concerns me. I love you, I know you are a great dad, but have you thought about how XYZ makes DD feel?" We've disagreed on sleep issues, discipline issues, school issues, medical issues, etc, so we're had a lot of these "Try not to get defensive, but I think this needs to be out in the open" talks. sometimes he's open to them, and sometimes he can say "Whoa, I didn't expect this, can we talk about this after I have a change to think about it?" which I try to be respectful of, though it doesn't get him off the hook either (BTW, I've been on the other side of the fence as well, it's sometimes tough to hear constructive criticism as anything other than "You suck".) If your relationship isn't in a place that can handle these talks, maybe having them with a mediator/counselor present to help steer them in a productive way would help.

[hollytheteacher]

I'm still confused about how a child pulling a man's hand could actually hurt?! *scratches head* My ds has pulled my hands many times and while semi-annoying I could never say it "hurts" ....

While the dog incident sounds like an innocent mistake...that yelling about pulling the hand thing is a little over the top...

[lindalu]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their insightful replies. (I have been away from computer for a couple of weeks-)

Many of you said noteworthy things - even the sensory issues - he is deaf in one ear - also, generally unaware.

I think some of my sensitivity to these events stems from a history of unpredictable behavior depending upon his mood. Having said that, in retrospect, I still see his reactions as a bit overblown. I think I was just disappointed - we have rarely been out together as a family lately - and then we have a lousy day. Not sure why I would expect differently based on the state of our marriage.

But anyway, thank you again. I have looked at myself through your eyes - and will continue to consider and measure my reactions to things he does/says that causes me discomfort.

You guys rock!!!