Mods, if this is the wrong place, let me know. I'm working on the emotional side of my fitness and weight loss journey and need to get this out where I know I can get some positive support.
This may be a little garbled, for that I apologize...
I hate when someone tries to disguise naysaying as support.
This isn't my first trip down this path. I am praying it is my last. I've tried before to lose weight, but never for the right reason. I've lost and regained, and lost and regained... I've exercised and done diet modification and both.
I've had family members tell me since I was a young teen that I'd just look better if I lost 5 lbs (when I was 5'4" and 140 lbs). I've had family give me constant levels of sh!t for not being smaller - telling me that the fact that my cholesterol is normal isn't going to last, that I'm going to be diabetic, that I'm going to have a stroke, that I'm fat, that I'd be happier if I were thin, that I'd be more successful if I were thin, that I'd be more like-able if I weighed less.
I'm 5'8" and currently weigh 230 lbs. 18 months ago, I was 270 lbs. In those 18 months, I've been pregnant, given birth to a 8 lb 7 oz beautiful girl, started a job, been forced to quit the job, moved twice...
I've struggled with medication induced weight gain since my teens: birth control - 40 lbs in 3 months, prednisone - repeated courses over 15 years, antibiotics - 2 year course of Theo 24 and erythromycin to take care of a longstanding sinus infection. I've been off the drugs for years and am still dealing with the pharmaceuticals stored in my fat.
I feel like everyone has given up on me. "Oh, she's never been able to do it before." "She's failed before when she's had support, why should I be positive this time. She's only going to fail again." "I don't know why she has such a hard time with her weight - all the rest of us seem to be able to maintain a normal weight and control ourselves."
Always before, I was trying to lose the weight, at all costs, for someone else. So I could fit their ideal of what they thought I should be. I've changed other aspects of my life to fit their expectations and gone very deeply into educational debt. I stopped doing things I loved, things I did for myself to accommodate other people and their wants.
This time, this last time, is for me. I want to love myself. I need to do this for me. I can finally look in the mirror and not cringe, but accept where I currently am. I can be honest with myself about how I got to where I am and what I need to do to make things better. I have to accept that my siblings are not supportive of my journey, though they will try to take credit when it is done.
This time, it is my journey. I am walking the path to be healthy and will be able to do all the things I have missed for far too long - swimming and dancing, biking and walking, hiking and playing sports. I want to wake up every day and be filled with joy that I can be active. I want to feel the burn of a good workout and the ache of satisfied muscles.
This journey isn't about the number on the scale, so much as it is about getting myself into a better place mentally. The rest will follow. Working on both mental and physical fitness will get me there. No more lying to myself, no more pretending. I am stepping forward for myself, first and foremost. It will be a long journey - the rest of my life. But I am taking the steps. This is a declaration and a reminder to myself as I struggle through. I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this, and I am doing it for ME.
This may be a little garbled, for that I apologize...
I hate when someone tries to disguise naysaying as support.
This isn't my first trip down this path. I am praying it is my last. I've tried before to lose weight, but never for the right reason. I've lost and regained, and lost and regained... I've exercised and done diet modification and both.
I've had family members tell me since I was a young teen that I'd just look better if I lost 5 lbs (when I was 5'4" and 140 lbs). I've had family give me constant levels of sh!t for not being smaller - telling me that the fact that my cholesterol is normal isn't going to last, that I'm going to be diabetic, that I'm going to have a stroke, that I'm fat, that I'd be happier if I were thin, that I'd be more successful if I were thin, that I'd be more like-able if I weighed less.
I'm 5'8" and currently weigh 230 lbs. 18 months ago, I was 270 lbs. In those 18 months, I've been pregnant, given birth to a 8 lb 7 oz beautiful girl, started a job, been forced to quit the job, moved twice...
I've struggled with medication induced weight gain since my teens: birth control - 40 lbs in 3 months, prednisone - repeated courses over 15 years, antibiotics - 2 year course of Theo 24 and erythromycin to take care of a longstanding sinus infection. I've been off the drugs for years and am still dealing with the pharmaceuticals stored in my fat.
I feel like everyone has given up on me. "Oh, she's never been able to do it before." "She's failed before when she's had support, why should I be positive this time. She's only going to fail again." "I don't know why she has such a hard time with her weight - all the rest of us seem to be able to maintain a normal weight and control ourselves."
Always before, I was trying to lose the weight, at all costs, for someone else. So I could fit their ideal of what they thought I should be. I've changed other aspects of my life to fit their expectations and gone very deeply into educational debt. I stopped doing things I loved, things I did for myself to accommodate other people and their wants.
This time, this last time, is for me. I want to love myself. I need to do this for me. I can finally look in the mirror and not cringe, but accept where I currently am. I can be honest with myself about how I got to where I am and what I need to do to make things better. I have to accept that my siblings are not supportive of my journey, though they will try to take credit when it is done.
This time, it is my journey. I am walking the path to be healthy and will be able to do all the things I have missed for far too long - swimming and dancing, biking and walking, hiking and playing sports. I want to wake up every day and be filled with joy that I can be active. I want to feel the burn of a good workout and the ache of satisfied muscles.
This journey isn't about the number on the scale, so much as it is about getting myself into a better place mentally. The rest will follow. Working on both mental and physical fitness will get me there. No more lying to myself, no more pretending. I am stepping forward for myself, first and foremost. It will be a long journey - the rest of my life. But I am taking the steps. This is a declaration and a reminder to myself as I struggle through. I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this, and I am doing it for ME.
and 
and 
