moms who have made it through toddlerhood with 2 or more children

[Elphaba]

I was wondering if those of you have already crossed the 2 child threshhold and made it through the constant nursing, potty learning, teething, "I wanna do it myself" early years could tell me something.

BEFORE you had your second baby, did you wonder how other moms did it? Were you mystified at how people managed to meet the needs of more than one child and a partner and themselves?

Because I think about the women here, and the women I know IRL who have a child my dd's age, and a new baby or even a young toddler, and it blows my mind. I miscarried back in September, and would be 33 weeks now, and I can't even comprehend what it would be like to be 2 months from having a newborn, when I can't even do a decent job with the child I have.

I know people always say that you just DO it, you just adapt and do what needs to be done for your kids and let the rest go, but I can't wrap my mind around it. Is it something you have to experience to "get" or did some of you go into your second birth totally ready and psyched up for 2 kids?

[Piglet68]

Not sure if I'm qualified to answer this yet. DD is 20 months and I'm 8.5 weeks pregnant with number 2. Sometimes I worry about how I'm going to handle all this, but at heart I'm an optimist and I do say "well, I'll just *do* it". When I went into my first pregnancy I often wondered how my life would change, would I be able to deal with it, etc but then I found that, when I'd done my research and felt confident in my knowledge base I was actually very confident. I'm planning to do as much as I can with this one. I'm going to read "Adventures in Tandem Nursing" to help prepare me mentally for that. I'm going to read "Siblings Without Rivalry" again (I lent it to a friend). I'm going to get as much information as I can from all the MDC mamas who have BTDT, lol...I guess my feeling is: there's really no benefit or point in worrying. Sorry if that's too rosey-sounding!

[Elphaba]

That's why I wanted moms who have already come through these challenges to weigh in. I'm not asking HOW they did it, just wanting to know if most moms have a period of anxiety before the second child arrives, or if more women who actually have multiple children go into it with the sense that they can do it. Because I really feel like I COULD NOT handle 2 children, and my sister feels the same way.
So what I want to know is if other moms, when they just had the one child, looked at families with 2+ kids and went WHOA! I can't handle that, and then at some point their feelings changed, or if they knew they'd be able to do it, or :LOL if they still wonder how they're doing it!

[DebraBaker]

You don't have any other options so you take one day at a time and try your best every day knowing tomorrow is a new day.

Today I registered my youngest for Kindergarten so I qualify

.....Um......my firstborn just celebrated her 25th birthday last Saturday so I qualify



DB

[Elphaba]

Can you tell I am sleep deprived?

I'm trying to think of how to ask this so that it makes sense outside of my own head.

What I want to hear about is at what point did you feel capable and competent enough as a mother to add to your family?

Not just to get pregnant, because I know so many women who joyfully conceive a second or third or fourth baby, but have moments when they're like "oh crap, can I do this again?" and that's what I'm asking about.

Does that go away? Do women who doubt their mothering skills go on to have more children and eventually accept that they are doing an okay job, maybe even a good one? Or is it that the women who are having 2+ children already have confidence in their mothering skills and only suffer momentary doubts?

[napless]

My children are 26 months apart. Yes, I wondered how mothers of 2 (or more!) possibly did it. I never felt ready for 2, but i knew definitely that I wanted at least 2. It wasn't a matter of waiting till I was ready - it was more that dh and I decided on a date to start trying again, and when that date arrived it was "Oh my goodness - oh well, let's do it!

(I didn't feel ready for motherhood at all, in the first place! I knew I wanted to have children, though, so we decided on a date to begin trying. When that date arrived I didn't feel ready at all, but we'd decided, so we did it!)

And once it happens, you just do what you have to do! It is sheer craziness at times, but I wouldn't change it.

[bookwormmama]

well, i'll try to answer your question, lol!

I have a 7yo dd, a 3 yo ds and am almost 30 weeks along with my 3rd. When i was pg with ds, i felt confident that i could handle another kid. DD was going to be 4 when he was born, and was pretty much a dream sibling when he ~was~ born. She was even awesome during labor!! Perfect little doula, lol.

I have since lost my confidence. I have no idea how i'm going to take care of 3. My ds is much more challenging than she was, I'm more tired. I admire any woman that has 3 or more kids. (Not that i don't admire the others, tee hee.) I'm not sure that i ever will feel capable and condfident enough to purposely add to my family. This pregnancy was not exactly planned, but not strictly avoided either, and my drive to have more ~babies~ was really really strong. Not so sure about having more kids though. ~grin~

So, i think that with each child you are going to doubt your ability to handle another. I think that's totally natural. I distinctly remember even wondering if i would ~like~ my ds when i was pregnant with him.

Hope that's somewhat helpful. I'm pretty tired and muddled too!

[oceanbaby]

BEFORE you had your second baby, did you wonder how other moms did it? Were you mystified at how people managed to meet the needs of more than one child and a partner and themselves?

Well, I don't qualify yet, but I am pregnant with my 2nd right now, my son will be 3yo soon, and this is exactly the thought that runs through my head on a daily basis.

When ds was younger than 2, I KNEW I couldn't handle another baby. When he got a little older, dh and I felt a little more like "everyone else seems to be able to do it." That might sound lame, but it's the truth. For us it was the point where ds was nightweaned, so I was not so totally crazy sleep deprived anymore, and also all of a sudden really seeing that ds was getting more and more independent.

I keep telling people that on paper it just doesn't work, but I have to have faith that everything will work out and that we will rise to the challenge.

I would have to say that my confidence in my mothering skills changes on a daily basis. Ds has been sick with a bad stomach virus all week, the worst and longest illness he's ever had. One minute I feel like supermom - cleaning up vomit, soothing tears, nursing, making soup, wiping sweaty foreheads, cuddling, etc. The next minute I feel like the worst selfish person in the world because I just want a friggin' break already! At those moments I start thinking that maybe I am too selfish and immature to have children, and here I am with a 2nd one on the way. If I can't handle this one, how the heck am I going to handle two?

But again, I just am kind of moving blindly forward with it. Maybe I'm just in denial! But I remind myself that before ds was born, I didn't have super confidence in my ability to be a mom, and we seem to be getting through that alright.

[crazy_eights]

Simple answer: You just do it. You adapt and manage. My first pregnancy, I work 1/2 day and slept every afternoon. With my second, I tried to sneak in a short nap. With my third - forget about it.... And at each step along the way I thought "how do women do it who have children already?" or "how do women do this when they have kids that don't nap?" But somehow I made it through. I have to say in retrospect, the hardest time for me was when I had four kids and the oldest was 4. Though now I long for the days when everyone was in bed by 7 PM!

[beaner&tiegs]

I think everyone must go through a period of doubting their ability to handle it, and a moment of "oh my g*d, what have I done?!" - both in terms of starting all over again with everything, and also with changing your relationship with your existing kid/kids. I think when I was pregnant with DD#2 I was pretty much curious about how it was all going to go, but I distinctly remember one night a few days after she was born, where we were all laying in bed completely exhausted and DH turned to me and said "what in the world did we just do? We had it all worked out, and everything was going along great, and then we had to throw a kink into it all over again!" But you know, you love that new little being so much that you just do it. And a couple of other realizations that I've had in the six months since are: a) in many ways it's easier, as DD#1 will often entertain DD#2 so I have more time to myself and b) 3 1/2 can be such a challenging age at times, that it seems so much simpler and more pleasant to return to caring for a baby again!!!!! So sometimes overwhelming, but in completely different ways than I ever thought it would be!!! And even though it's been quite smooth so far (DD#1 also an ideal older sibling), I do recognize that it gets easier and easier every day!!!!!!!!

[Elphaba]

DebraBaker and Mom2six, did you KNOW, though, that you could do it? Did you know in your heart that whatever happened you could handle it? Or did your confidence in your mothering skills come over time?

Because I don't have that confidence. I generally feel like I probably should have had a hysterectomy rather than ruin a child with my gross incomptence. And my oldest sister has the same mindset.

And yes, we have "issues" from our childhood.

[candiland]

Yeah, I was very doubtful when I was pregnant with my second (who wasn't planned, btw). He was born when his sister was 28 months old. I honestly didn't know how other moms did it, or how I was going to do it.

I remember, when I was having horrible days, so weak from throwing up and so exhausted 'cuz I was in my first trimester, I would panic, b/c I knew that babies don't sleep that great at night, and I'd be up at the buttcrack of dawn every morning to deal with my older child. And I do NOT fare well with sleep deprivation. I go psychotic if I don't get a lot of sleep.

It did get a little bit easier, though, as time went on. Ds will be two in May, and my dd is four..... and I feel like we have a pretty good "routine" going on that makes everything manageable. HOWEVER, when my kids won't take their afternoon nap, I feel like I will lose my mind!!! Those couple of hours I have to nap, read, or play on the computer are sooo precious to me!

[dipmama]

Mine are 18 months apart to the day. Dd will be 4 in June, ds just turned 2 in December, so I guess you could say I am in the thick of it.

In the months before I had ds, I fluctuated between really underestimating how much different it would be, to experiencing sheer panic and the thought of bundling up a newborn and an 18 month old to get out of the house. I also felt a lot of guilt about dd, I knew that once ds was born, it wouldn't be just her and I anymore, and somehow this made me sad even though it was a wonderful thing to be expecting ds.

I did wonder a LOT how other mothers did it. Especially the ones who I'd see out and about looking perfect, happy & shiny with their perfect, happy & shiny children. I felt pretty ragged towards the end of my pregnancy with ds, and dd at 16-18 months was a real challenge as she was getting to be very active and agile just as my massive belly was getting harder to carry.

Once he was born, I was lucky to be able to ease into the routine of a toddler and a baby at home. Dh had 3 months of parental leave from work, plus I had a lot of help from both my mother and my ILs, who are all really wonderful. I actually think of the 1st month in particular after ds' birth as a bit of a vacation, I remember blissfully nursing him in bed every morning, listening to my favorite CDs while either dh or my mom brought me coffee in bed.

Yes, it gets crazy-busy but it doesn't happen overnight...it helped also for me that ds' temperment was and still is very mellow, sweet, and just sheer joy. Both of my kids are great sleepers and eaters and thrive on their routine. Plus dh is wonderful and literally takes over with the kids in the evenings when he's home.

That all said, I don't know how I'd handle 3...there would have to be a looong break me thinks.

[Dallasmama]

My sons are 22 months apart. The first three months after my second son was born were rough, but then I think it got easier than if I had just one child. My older one was able to interact with and sometimes entertain my baby. Now they are 3 and 5, and are each other's best friend. Sure it is challenging sometimes, but even having just 1 child is challenging.

[crazy_eights]

No, I don't think I "knew" I could handle it. I definately grew in my parenting skills, that is for sure! I think everyone does.

[Elphaba]

OK people, either I have gotten really bad at communicating or my posts are not being read.

I understand that it gets easier. I understand that you "just do it" that "you adapt" and deal with the challenges. I do. I believe you all. Really.

What I want to hear about is your how your confidence in your mothering abilities affected your desire to have 2+ children. Did you think you were a good mother right from the start with your first baby? Or maybe once you hit 12 months or 2 years or some other marker, then did you feel like, "hey I can DO this! I am a good mom." and you went into your second pregnancy secure in the knowledge that you have the skills to raise 2 children well.

My dd is 29 months. I have not yet come to a point where I can say, "I am doing a good job. I am an okay mother. I would be able to raise 2 children without the use of prescription drugs and they would not turn into serial killers who hate me and blame me for everything that went wrong."

I know I'm abnormal.

I can't really ask my question another way, so I'm giving up and going to bed. Maybe someone will come along and read all the posts and figure out what I'm getting at.

[oceanbaby]

I have not yet come to a point where I can say, "I am doing a good job. I am an okay mother. I would be able to raise 2 children without the use of prescription drugs and they would not turn into serial killers who hate me and blame me for everything that went wrong."

Well, if it helps, I am going into number 2, and there are days that I feel I have come to this point, and then other days when I think I have made a terrible mistake and that ds would be better off in daycare than at home with me.

[LiamnEmma]

What I want to hear about is at what point did you feel capable and competent enough as a mother to add to your family?

I didn't. dh did and brought me along for the ride...obviously I participated somewhat ... But I felt guilty through a lot of my pregnancy. My kids are 21 months apart, and I just knew I was going to be putting a lot on ds--that whether I liked it or not, he was going to be forced to do some growing up when #2 arrived, and sure enough, he was. I quickly figured out that on the days I *really* needed one or both to nap, what that really meant was that I needed to nap, and so I'd lay down with both of them and we'd all take a nice long snooze together. But I certainly did not feel competent. I felt tired, cranky, stressed and just plain stinky as a parent (there were added stressors at the time). We all seem to have lived through it relatively unscathed, and it did get easier over time. But there are always reasons to not have another child, and reasons to have another child, and at any rate it's too late now. You'll be okay Elphaba. I think you do a better job than you give yourself credit for doing.

Leah

[dipmama]

Sorry Elphaba if I didn't answer your question originally...

Yes, I actually did feel confident in my ability to mother right from the start. Both times. However, I went through a bad patch last summer shortly after dd turned 3. Terrible 3s (we skipped 2s LOL) really threw me for a loop. Every day for awhile there I questioned all of my beliefs about mothering and whether the instincts I had that made me do what I did on a day to day basis were the right thing to do for dd. I really felt like I suddenly had this alien creature that I didn't know what to do with, and worse, that my substandard mothering had created.

Slowly my confidence has come back, back to what I originally felt before I had kids, and after for the first 3 years. I know that things will happen that will shake that confidence again, it's inevitable. I don't think that it's a coincidence that my confidence in my ability to mother dips when I'm questioning myself as a whole.

[24hr.mom]

I was 32 when I had my first son Giovanni in Dec 2002. For the first couple of months I was scared out of my mind I was going to do something wrong. I questioned everything I did for him. After awhile I grew more confident in my decisions. So my husband and I were ready for our next. I got pregnant 3 months after having my first. Yes, it was planned.

Today Giovanni is 15 months and Gavin is 4 months. Yes, 11 months apart.

Here is my insight on your question: Moms are not perfect. We are made to believe that we must love everything our children do. In reality, I just hate it when Giovanni whines. It does not mean I love him less or cant handle 2 kids at once. One minute I'm confident and the next I'm fustrated.

You should not base your decision to have another child on your frustrations. They will always be apart of life.

PS There are not enough hours in the day to take care of Me, my Hubby, nurse Gavin and play with Giovanni. But somehow I manage