moms who have made it through toddlerhood with 2 or more children - Page 2

[toepea]

My first was a complete pain in the ass -------- really! AND, I got zero support on my parenting choices and/or style from my family, my in-laws and his dad. They didn't hesitate to tell me that if I would just do "THIS", he wouldn't be such a pain in the ass. But I DID believe I was doing it the right way. I really thought I was doing my best and that somehow he knew it too. I didn't think I was some super mom or doing anything extraordinary, but I felt like I was doing the mom thing right, and that I wanted more kids. Then I got pregnant, again and at 22 weeks found out I was having twins. I knew I could do it, and I was thrilled and felt like I was so lucky and blessed. Back then I had confidence in my mothering. I have no idea why.

NOW------ I question my ability daily. My oldest has me in a constant state of 'what do I do NOW!'

[mommymushbrain]

I'm just barely into qualifying for this question, as mine are 4 and 2 3/4 years old - 17 1/2 month apart. At the time I had a newborn, a almost 18 month old, and a 5 y/o to deal with.

Looking back, the worst part was when the youngest was born and we were about 2 weeks into it and my then 18 month old was sitting at my feet one night before bedtime, while I nursed the baby... she was crying and saying "No mama, no baby". That was a horrible night.

I missed a lot of my 5y/o's school activities, as the first few I attempted, it was hellacious with the little ones. My 5y/o understood as best a 5y/o could.

Once the baby got more mobile, it seemed to be easier on all of us... then my middle child realized that the baby could play with her!

I got lucky with potty training - although my middle child did take a bit longer from some regression, she was officially potty trained both night and day by 4 years old. Then my baby was so much into wanting to be like her big sister, she day potty trained by 2, and nighttime trained by 2 1/2! That was niiiiiiiiiiiice...... :LOL

Hitting was a big thing between the younger two. We struggled and struggled with the older one beating up the younger one.

I remember telling myself each day "This too shall pass" and that I was going to take life one day... heck, even one hour at a time.

Now, they play together 99% of the time happily together. I regret to say there are some blanks in each of my child's life that I cannot remember without struggling. Oh yeah... and my youngest baby book is barely filled in! But everyone is happy and I wouldn't change having the youngest two farther apart.

[lab]

I am so glad to hear from moms with older kids!

My 3 kids were born in 3 years and 5 months.

The first two were 18 mos apart and the last 2 were 23 months apart. I had no help, no relatives and a husband who worked 60 hours a week!

It was the most fun I've ever had! It was hard, and if I could do it again, I would relax more and not worry about making supper or keeping the laundry done. I would definately play more.

And each time I had an infant, it was hard to meet the needs of a fussy baby and meet the needs of a toddler or two! But that didn't last long, no more than 6 weeks.

Honestly, you get overwhelmed. But you just do it.

My life is soooo different now. I miss those mornings where we laid in bed until 9 am. Or our main focus of the day was to play outside with sidewalk chalk. I had all my babies around me and they all loved me and needed me! We are moving onto the pre-teen years now so I miss it...

It was definately the best time of my life and the most fun! The hard times could have been managed better by me. I think that just comes with the territory ya know!

[lab]

I just realized that I didn't answer your post!

I'm such a goober!

OK - Did I worry before I had the second baby if I would be able to balance it all?

No, I did not. Actually, I didn't even think about about it. Of course I was young, but no, I don't remember it even crossing my mind......

[gurumama]

Originally posted by Elphaba


What I want to hear about is your how your confidence in your mothering abilities affected your desire to have 2+ children. Did you think you were a good mother right from the start with your first baby? Or maybe once you hit 12 months or 2 years or some other marker, then did you feel like, "hey I can DO this! I am a good mom." and you went into your second pregnancy secure in the knowledge that you have the skills to raise 2 children well.

My dd is 29 months. I have not yet come to a point where I can say, "I am doing a good job. I am an okay mother. I would be able to raise 2 children without the use of prescription drugs and they would not turn into serial killers who hate me and blame me for everything that went wrong."

I get your point. My mom was an abusive, alcoholic schizophrenic. Needless to say, I have childhood and motherhood issues. When I had ds1 I knew I wanted a child, and DH was really, really ready--more ready than I was.

I didn't AP my first as much as I wish I had, but I think by and large I've been a good parent to him. It helps having a wonderful, patient partner. If I screw up, I know at least there's another adult to help moderate some of my poorer parenting moments LOL! I also know that I'm a human being with a lot of issues, and I'm never afraid or too proud to admit when I've been wrong and to say that to ds1.

When we were making the decision to have a second child, ds1 was 2 years 4 months. I never had some big revelation that I could handle 2 kids--I just knew I wanted more than 1. We knew that by the time baby #2 came, ds1 would be in preschool 5 mornings a week (Montessori) and we felt that the combination of that, and having family nearby, would usher us through the tough spots. It took 4 months of trying to conceive ds2.

We also carefully, painstakingly planned ways to make the first three months of a second child much easier on us. Ds1's first three months had been very, very difficult for me, so for ds2 we budgeted having a post-partum doula three days a week for four hours each day for the first three months. Seem excessive? Not for us. It was one of the best things we could have done. It really made the transition to two kids work well for us, and our doula was AWESOME. Ds1 was well-established in school when ds2 came, and in the summer ds1 went to a half-day camp 4 days a week, to have fun with a peer group and to give me a break (I was working full-time from home during part of the summer as well).

Ds1 and ds2 are 3 y 5 mo apart, and it's a good stretch. Ds1 calmed down around the 3 year mark, which was helpful. Having ds2 in April helped as well, because I could easily get outside with both kids instead of having baby cabin fever with a 3 year old to boot.

For me, having two wasn't about confidence in my ability to parent two--it was more about knowing I wanted two, that I wanted them to be about 3 years apart, and setting the stage so I would have lots of help.

Does THAT address your question in some way?

[Elphaba]

yes thank you!

[gurumama]

And I have friends who are TTC now. They have a very intense 4 yo daughter. When she was 2.5 yo there was no way my friends could imagine having another. Time, and growth, make a big difference.

Keep in mind too that there's nothing wrong with having a one-child family.

[Elphaba]

Oh I know there's nothing wrong with having only one child. I'm really leaning that way. My depression and anxiety issues, coupled with the fact that my husband is away so much that I am a de facto single mother, add up to a one-child limit.

I have such a tenuous grasp on motherhood as it is, that trying to care for anyone else would be disastrous.

[DebraBaker]

Any condidence comes with the faith that
G-d has blessed us with these children and He is faithful to help us through the difficult times.

That being said I still doubt my parenting.....on an almost daily basis.

I'm afraid of ruining them because I yelled (just yelled at Josh and apologized right away because I had Julianna's birth cirtificate out because I had registered her for kindergarten and he said he put a "y" after the word "sex" and I wigged out thinking I'd go through the torture of getting her another birth cirtificate...he was only joking...which I didn't appriciate either but I guilt I harmed him by the yelling...I worry about things, it's in my nature but when they get older you get a perspective.

When you have experienced a two year old tantrum you know it's just a meltdown and you aren't rearing the Antichrist. You know the kid that weaned at four will end up going away to school and enjoy you on occasional weekends. That if they need a little help learning how to do long division they *WILL* understand calculus or even organic chem when they're in college.

I have the unusual experience of having children 20 years apart so some of the Grandmotherly "oh, that's normal" and the "someday you will miss the little fingerprints on the wall" ring true already.

Recently my married grad student (med school) daughter was riding up the chairlift with my almost 5YO....They look like twins seperated by 18 years. I coined a nickname, "Dr. Jen and Minime" and really realized how short childhood is and to savor every minute of it.

I'm a little mellow today because, as I told Julianna, I have only one day left to enjoy my four year old (Julianna turns 5 tomorrow)

DB

[PurpleBasil]

Elphaba, I think all of us with two or more children have days that would absolutely curl your hair if we told you about them in detail. The survival mode one is in with one child/baby is just a very, very small taste of what it's like with two or more. Especially two or more in diapers, nursing, you get the idea.

Yes, I'm glad I have my kids but I think you (and anyone else) is very wise to ask yourself if you really want to go down that path BEFORE getting pregnant. You're smart to consider how things would be right this second at 33 week pregnant and having your DD in all her toddler exhuberance.

Not every woman is designed to sacrifice so much (in having more than one child) and I wish more women would be honest about that.

Oh, and another thing: I stopped listening to any mom's advice when she had just one kid. I know, not fair but once you have at least two kids, anyone who says, 'well, I only have one child' or 'well, my child is only seven months but I read...' just goes to automatic ignore for me. Sometimes moms think they know but they just have no idea and it can be really insulting when they think they are 'helping'.

When I had one child, I used to think it was 'so hard'. Ha! I knew nothing!

It's as bad as 'well, I don't have kids but...':LOL

[geogirl]

HI I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. I really had a hard time deciding to have another child. I really had trouble feeling like I could be as good a mom to two as I was to my first. I felt that I wouldn't be able to give the second what the first had. When I got pregnant (sort of a surprise) the worry turned to fear. So I did feel like a good mom with my first (actually more so than now) and that made me mainly worried that I would drop the ball. SOme days I feel like whoa boy I did drop that ball. Other days I have to tell myself that dealing with a 4 year old is different than dealing with the same child as a baby. THere are things that the 1 year old is missing compared to what my first had. but I didn't see what he would gain from an older sibling. My fear and worry totally masked the benefits that a younger sibling has.

I hope this somewhat answers what you asked. :LOL

Rebecca

[Peppermint]

Yes, I was/have been quite confident in my mothering, which led to being ready for each new child. My first 2 were only 18 months apart- so dd was only 9 months, and things were pretty darn easy- so I was ready for another and confident that I could handle it. There was a period between ds #1 and getting pregnant with ds #2 that I felt strongly that I could not handle another at that time- so dh and I decided to avoid for a bit- a couple of months later my confidence was back on track and ds#2 was conceived. So, yes, each time, I was confident that I could do it.

2 Disclaimers-
#1- I never thought I was the perfect mother- I have been a big-old "work in progress" mother all along (and hope to continue as such).
#2- I don't have real strong underlying self-confidence issues- so I could trust my own judgement of my abilities- which is something that I am not sure everyone is capable of- therefore one might be a fabulous mother ready for another child- and she may not ever be able to see that herself, KWIM?


Did any of that answer your question? With 3 under 4 years old I should be qualified to answer.

[Lucky Charm]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Elphaba

What I want to hear about is at what point did you feel capable and competent enough as a mother to add to your family?

Does that go away? Do women who doubt their mothering skills go on to have more children and eventually accept that they are doing an okay job, maybe even a good one?

I think it does go away. at least for me it did. any lingering doubts were quickly laid to rest. It was an adjustment for me, going from one to two kids. in fact, in alot of ways it was harder for me to go from one to two, than from zero to one. Mostly this was in logistics, as in getting out of the house, laundry, dinner that sort of thing. i never fretted about my ability to love two. i new i had enough of me to go around.

When i had my second child, my first was just 3. She was a very high needs infant, but was what i would call a superb toddler. Slept like a champ, ate like a lumberjack, somewhat easy temperament, played by herself. So when we got pregnant again, i was thrilled. I was freaked out at the possibility that my second could be like my first as a baby, and i did toss and turn anticipating pure hell. It never was. he was a "good" baby.

Now when i got pregnant with number 3 unexpectedly, my kids were 8 & 11. i am not ashamed, but a bit embarrassed to say my first though upon that stick turning blue, was that i would be stuck in the toddler pool the rest of my life! (we lived in Florida then). Having Nicholas was so easy....in all ways. he fits right in, i am so not stressed having three. its easy to me. I am not saying this to be a sort of subtle put down for moms who are struggling, but i can honestly say that for me, having three is very easy. then again, my kids are spaced differently than say a mom who's kids are 5, 3 & 1, kwim?

I have a dear friend who is frequently exasperated, and jokingly tells me that she hates that i am never freaked out or stressed, that i have three, she has one and can barely manage. I have another dear friend who has 7, wants more, and is permanently in the zen garden. I think each womans experience is highly individual, and what is easy for one is pure hell for another.

[angela&avery]

my kids are 28 months apart and yes i thought i was a good mom when i got pregnant with #2. I was confident in my abilities...

I did not think i was "ready" but this was when we had said before we would try for #2 because we didnt want to deal with the only child syndrome.....so with confidence we jumped in with both feet.... i dont regret it, though when my ds went through a couple of crazy 2 weeks at 2 1/2 years old i said a couple times that if i had waited i may not have tried for another one at the stage he was at.

Now im glad i made the decision. He is so so loving towards dd and accepting and loves to play with her....

Maybe if you have unresolved childhood issues you should seek some help to work through those problems and become a better you, therefor a better parent....... (not saying youre not a good parent already..... because i have read tons of your posts and valued them)

[aussiemum]

I just lost my long response to this!!!! Deep breath, try again.

I have two children, 26 months apart. DD will be 6 soon, DS is 3 1/2, so I guess you could say I've come thru the 'other side' of babyhood. I was not confident at all in my parenting after DD was born. Difficult birth, traumatic bf experience, colicky & hungry baby, FTT.... it was not fun & I swore I would never have another one. Until DD was about one year, & then DH & I started to think about it again. After a few months, we thought we'd at least try for another & just like that!!! I was preggers in about 6 weeks. So that was that for me.

Even tho DS's birth was straightforward, & bfing slightly less of a nightmare (at least he didn't end up in hospital) I was still not confident at all. The first 6 months were a blur. I just tried to take it one day at a time & not lose it with DD too often. (she's pretty high needs, I guess you could say). I guess by the time they were 3 & 1 I felt like i had a handle on things. I don't get that despairing feeling of losing the plot anymore, which is nice. It does get easier, altho I think it's going to get harder in the future based on the experiences of friends with teenagers! In some ways that day at a time approach never really changes, I guess.

In the end it's really about whether or not you feel like YOU are 'done' with having children. I searched my heart & knew I wasn't after 'just' one. I definitely know I'm finished now after 'just' two. Some folks are never finished until biology catches up with them, & that's fine too. HTH.