My son was still born almost 4 weeks ago. The grief was overwhelming and crippling. From about 2 1/2 weeks it became more than just grief though - a lot of old issues and feelings have come back up. I'm self-harming again. The feelings are just overwhelming and I feel like a cornered animal, trying desperately to find a way out, to get through each day.
I finally spoke to two of my closest friends about it. Mostly on a private facebook conversation (find it almost impossible to talk about verbally). I've had issues with feeling depressed etc on and off for a long time now, mostly triggered by other things going on, but always a very anxious child etc. I've never talked to anyone about what had happened or what I've been feeling. I've dealt with it on my own (self-harm). It's new and scary for me to be talking to these friends, but I'm desperate. I feel agitated all the time, can't stop my thoughts racing a million miles an hour. I'm not sleeping properly, apetite comes and goes. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and it's scary.
So the friends pushed me that I really need to talk to someone. So I tried ringing Lifeline (mental health helpline in Australia), first time I was on hold and gave up for 20mins. This morning I got onto them. This was so scary for me and I didnt know where to start. Instead of being encouraging he was distant and sounded frustrated and just said 'well, I'm going to need more information.' I got off the phone, said I'd made a mistake.
One of the friends is busy today, the other said to call her if I need to and suggested I take my other 2 sons over to play with her kids if I needed to get out of the house. So I texted her, no reply, I rang her mobile, no reply. Every time I couldnt get in contact it was harder for me, shaking etc, very very hard for me to get the courage to reach out. So I rang her home number. She said she's got a sore throat and maybe we can wait till later in the week, she doesnt want me or my kids to get sick.
So here I am, DH is at work and I've been hiding from him how bad this is getting. He's grieving our baby too, and has stress and work, and is already worried enough about me. He doesnt know about the cutting. When he's home I feel calmer. I've tried reaching out, and couldnt get anywhere. I have no-one else to look after my boys. It's a public holiday here too. No-one to talk to. And I'm getting desperate. I'm not a danger to my boys, I'm not suicidal. But I feel like I'm drowning in this, and I've tried so hard to reach out for help, and nothing. So I'm all alone with this again.
I know I can make an appointment to see someone, but that takes time. I need a way to get through today, without the shaking, and the panic, and the screaming in my head.
Also.....I've done a few surveys/questionaires on mental health sites...they indicate I may be bipolar. But I swing from depressed, not able to do anything, to manic (feeling hyper, reckless, can't sit still and have reorganised the whole house, on top of the world, singing silly songs loudly with my kids in the supermarket) a couple of times a day. My libido has increased significantly. From what I read about bipolar even in rapid cycling you swing a couple of times a year, NOT in a day.
I finally spoke to two of my closest friends about it. Mostly on a private facebook conversation (find it almost impossible to talk about verbally). I've had issues with feeling depressed etc on and off for a long time now, mostly triggered by other things going on, but always a very anxious child etc. I've never talked to anyone about what had happened or what I've been feeling. I've dealt with it on my own (self-harm). It's new and scary for me to be talking to these friends, but I'm desperate. I feel agitated all the time, can't stop my thoughts racing a million miles an hour. I'm not sleeping properly, apetite comes and goes. I feel like I'm spinning out of control and it's scary.
So the friends pushed me that I really need to talk to someone. So I tried ringing Lifeline (mental health helpline in Australia), first time I was on hold and gave up for 20mins. This morning I got onto them. This was so scary for me and I didnt know where to start. Instead of being encouraging he was distant and sounded frustrated and just said 'well, I'm going to need more information.' I got off the phone, said I'd made a mistake.
One of the friends is busy today, the other said to call her if I need to and suggested I take my other 2 sons over to play with her kids if I needed to get out of the house. So I texted her, no reply, I rang her mobile, no reply. Every time I couldnt get in contact it was harder for me, shaking etc, very very hard for me to get the courage to reach out. So I rang her home number. She said she's got a sore throat and maybe we can wait till later in the week, she doesnt want me or my kids to get sick.
So here I am, DH is at work and I've been hiding from him how bad this is getting. He's grieving our baby too, and has stress and work, and is already worried enough about me. He doesnt know about the cutting. When he's home I feel calmer. I've tried reaching out, and couldnt get anywhere. I have no-one else to look after my boys. It's a public holiday here too. No-one to talk to. And I'm getting desperate. I'm not a danger to my boys, I'm not suicidal. But I feel like I'm drowning in this, and I've tried so hard to reach out for help, and nothing. So I'm all alone with this again.
I know I can make an appointment to see someone, but that takes time. I need a way to get through today, without the shaking, and the panic, and the screaming in my head.
Also.....I've done a few surveys/questionaires on mental health sites...they indicate I may be bipolar. But I swing from depressed, not able to do anything, to manic (feeling hyper, reckless, can't sit still and have reorganised the whole house, on top of the world, singing silly songs loudly with my kids in the supermarket) a couple of times a day. My libido has increased significantly. From what I read about bipolar even in rapid cycling you swing a couple of times a year, NOT in a day.
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son.
to you.
We're here for you.
