don't know where to turn - Page 2

[Starflower]

[Starflower]

hi.

I was just wondering how you were doing.

[CheekyLilMonkeys]

Thankyou for checking in on me, you are unbelievably kind to take the time for that.

I'm not going well, I didn't end up seeing my friends and I barely leave the house now. I go grocery shopping very early Sunday morning while my DH and boys are sleeping so there's nobody else around. I've been quite sick but absolutely refuse to go to a dr. Slowly getting better now anyway. We now have an appointment with the hospital to discuss autopsy results. Same waiting room, same offices as when I went for my antenatal checks. The whole thing has become so huge in my mind, I honestly don't know how I am going to make myself go. It's 2 1/2weeks away. We also recieved his birth certificates in the mail. I think my friends are getting frustrated with me for not seeing someone about how I'm feeling, but I don't think they understand how overwhelming the fear is.

[Starflower]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Do you feel like you need to hear the autopsy report for some closure - or might it be better for you not to go?

It sounds like you do want to talk to a counselor or someone about things to help you through this, but it's hard to do anything at all while in the midst of depression. Do you have a friend or family member who could step up to the plate and make an appointment for you and help you get there? Could your DH do this for you? I know he is also grieving, but it sounds like you really need the support. In the meantime, can you find the energy somewhere to check out that baby loss support group that a previous poster mentioned?

I wish I could be more helpful.

[Mom2M]

Oh, I am so sorry you are feeling worse. I can imagine it feels overwhelming to tell any of your friends or DH that you need them to help you but it seems like seeing a counselor in person would be so good for you. Could you call the mental health line again and tell them you need help with finding someone and making an appt.? Sometimes it is just easier to talk to someone you don't know since then you don't have to worry about the effect it will have on them.
I've been thinking of you, please keep writing when you can.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by Starflower

First the differentiations on the docs:

In the US, a counselor can be someone with an MA in psychology or social work. The may be able to different types of therapy but do not prescribe meds. Likely, they could be someone to talk with and may refer you to a someone for further diagnosis if they suspect bipolar or such.

A psychologist would have either a PhD or a PsyD (specific doctorate in psych/counseling) and can do many types of therapy. They also do not prescribe meds. I'm not sure if they can diagnose or not. If not, they would refer you. (I had a psychologist refer me to a psychiatrist for diagnosis of OCD, depression and panic disorder.) They would also refer out if they thought you could benefit from meds and were open to the idea.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can diagnose and can prescribe meds. They also see patients for return visits to check up on how their meds are working. I think some of them also do talk and behavior type therapies etc. They usually cost more here than a psychologist. I do not think they can force you to take meds.
u.

A masters' level psychologist can diagnose, as long as they have a license.

A Phd/PsyD level psychologist can also diagnose. In a handful of states, a PhD/PsyD that has taken additional training can prescribe medications. (For a bipolar diagnosis, it's common to refer to a psychiatrist 1) to confirm and 2) to get medication. There's not much a PhD/PsyD can do for a biopolar if they don't have prescribing privileges.)

A master's level Nurse Practitioner can also prescribe meds. A family doctor can also prescribe meds. In my area, it's hard to get into a psychiatrist. There's a 6-12 week waiting list. It's pretty common for someone to see a psychologist (MA or Phd/PsyD) for counseling and see her family doctor or NP for medication.

[ReadingMama]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you're in.

I know it's scary, but you have suffered the worst. You don't have to fear getting help because the worst has already happened to you (the loss of your child). Nothing (including getting help) will be worse than that. You can do it.

I just want to say that in bipolar disorder, there can be "ultra rapid cycling". It can be within the same day. And if it turns out that you are bipolar, there are treatments that work.

I will be praying for you.

[CheekyLilMonkeys]

Things are worse again. Not sure if I'd mentioned it but when he was born they dr on duty said he was pretty sure he had Edwards Syndrome (chromosomal)...which would have meant the problem occured with the first cell division when he was forming in my womb...it also meant that even if he had lived, he would have likely been very sick and not lived for long. I was able to get some comfort from thinking he had been saved the pain he might have been in if he was born, and also that him being sick was completely seperate from my body or anything I could have done.

SO apparently he didn't have Edwards, he was perfectly healthy. The way his growth slowed over time obviously my body wasn't supporting him properly. If my body had of done its job, he would have been born healthy and happy about 8 weeks from now. I feel like I'm right back at the beginning - I had been processing what happened based on a set understanding, now that basis was wrong, so I'm back at the beginning trying to make sense of it all again.

Things have been getting worse between my DH and I too, he's not coping with me being like this. He's also now said he's worried about how stressed I would be through another pregnancy so isn't sure now if he wants another baby with me.

I'm going to try and call and make an appointment with my GP. I can feel myself checking out of life in general, thinking and planning lots of unhealthy things. If I don't do something now it will be too late and I don't want to do that to my boys.

[ReadingMama]

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Sometimes other people just don't know how to be there for us in the way we need. And it makes it worse. It's worse to feel alone next to someone than to feel alone when you are alone. Because you develop expectations for that other person, and feel even worse when your expectations aren't met. Sometimes a friend or a relative or just someone who has been through what you are going through is a better support than a spouse. Do you have other people to rely on? Does anyone else know how down you are feeling?

Check in here if you need to. And let us know when you make your appointment on Monday. (((((hugs)))))

[*Jade*]

Just found this thread, many many hugs.

I hope you see a GP soon, I know how easy and tempting those thoughts can seem, but I can promise you, they will not last forever and they can go away!

[Starflower]

I hope you were able to get in to see the GP. Can you get in to see a grief counselor? Hospitals often have them available for free here. Please be good to yourself.

[Starflower]

It's been a while. I hope you are OK.

[ErinYay]

Originally Posted by CheekyLilMonkeys

If my body had of done its job, ...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Reading this broke my heart for you- it's not your fault.

You're in my prayers. Please be well.

[chiefmir]

I am so sorry for your loss- there are not words.

I'm a psychologist (Psy.D) in the states, and I just wanted to mention (I think a pp did as well) that a psycholgist with either a Psy.D or a Ph.D can diagnose bipolar (or any other mental illness) and also be involved in the (non-medicinal) treatment aspects, like therapy.

As terrifying as it is, PLEASE do whatever it takes to get some medical or mental health professional involved. Go to the emergency room-- ask your husband or a friend to give you a "dealline" of finding a doctor and then take you to one or start making calls for you. NONE of this is your fault, and you deserve treatment and to feel better. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with others who can help.

[Starflower]

Just letting you know you are in my thoughts.