Help! What's the best way to deal with...

[holothuroidea]

... aggressive children in social situations?

My LO is only 22 months old. Yesterday we had a family party and there were some friends of family that I had not met before. There were two boys, obviously brothers, who were about 6 and 4 were playing VERY aggressively, and bullying the other children.

So this is what happened, my DD was playing in the grass and these two boys were behind her. The younger had a ball (a big hard-rubber dodge ball!!!) and the older one said, "Throw that ball at the little girl's head!"

I think I had like 50 heart attacks. I actually couldn't eat for the rest of the night, I was mortified! This was the first time I'd ever had to deal with a situation like this and I had no idea what to do. The parents were completely out of the picture, I hadn't seen them all day and I'd never been introduced to them. I ended up grabbing the little boy's hand before he could throw the ball, and I expressed to the older one how upset I was that he would say such a thing. I don't even know what I said, really, I was in hysterics. I asked for an apology and got one, and those boys stayed well clear of me for the rest of the evening but I know I could have handled it better.

What would you have done?

[ElliesMomma]

you did fine, minus the hysterics.
do you know the parents? i would definitely tell them exactly what happened. and maybe ask, would they really have thrown the ball at her? she's a baby. what's up with that?
most kids are not like that. that is some really abnormally aggressive behavior.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

My DD2 is the same age as your DD. If a situation such as the one you described ever happens to her, I can picture myself handling it the same way you did. When your child is threatened, the mama bear inside you takes over. Your reaction was not only reasonable, but probably necessary to ensure her immediate safety. Sure, you could have taken the boys aside to talk to them about respecting others and playing nice around smaller children or whatever, but you didn't have the time, the responsibility, or the immediate emotional wherewithal to do that.

Anyway, I wouldn't sweat your reaction-- I don't think you've scarred those boys for life or anything like that. If anything, you may have taught them an important lesson in impulse control-- they didn't have any, and therefore neither did you. A mother's fury can be a very effective educational tool.

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

you did fine, minus the hysterics.
do you know the parents? i would definitely tell them exactly what happened. and maybe ask, would they really have thrown the ball at her? she's a baby. what's up with that?
most kids are not like that. that is some really abnormally aggressive behavior.

I believe they would have, they were throwing golf balls (!!) at each other until an adult had to step in and take the golf balls away. At one point I saw the younger boy holding another boy down and hitting him in the face. They were acting violent all day.

I could identify the parents (these were the only asian children, and there was only one set of asian adults), but I had not been introduced to them. They were on the other side of the yard with a group of adults who were very loud and disorderly, I think they were drunk.

If my children acted like that and I didn't see it, I would want someone to tell me, so I do feel bad about not saying anything to them.

[4evermom]

You did fine. I doubt the parents don't know how their kids behave if they were doing it that constantly and blatantly. I have told older kids that it is NOT OK to tell younger kids to hurt others. There is that weird dynamic where the one child doesn't feel responsible because he was told to do it and the other child doesn't feel responsible because he didn't actually do it. So I call them on that. Then I keep an eye on them. I don't usually interfere if it is siblings and their parents are around but I'd keep them from spreading the love to my child. My ds isn't much of a target at his current age and with his temperament but I have told him not to tell his younger cousin to attack his older cousin . At least they never target the young and defenseless!