How to deal with people who...

[Raine822]

First, let me say sorry for how many questions I have had recently. I am learning as I only discovered AP after DD1 was born.

DH and I went to a birthday party for his friends DD yesterday. Whil there several things happened that really bothered me.
-First a chair was broken and then my DD started climbing on it. I asked DD not to climb there because she could get hurt. A person I don't even know turned around and told DD/me that she can. How would you react without making a scene at someone's B-day party?
-Some other parents were talking about raising kids. Someone with a 1 m/o was talking about how the baby eats 4+ ounces by 2 weeks and it seemed like a lot. Then she says that he doesn't get fed for 9 hours at night and is on a 3 hour schedule during the day, she mentioned that he is hungry before 3 hours. Would you have said something about demand feeding as a solution?(I am the only one who demand feeds)
-When everyone came into the room for presents my DD2(3 m/o) started to fuss with all the people crowding around. DH took her out but while he did someone turned to the other mom of an infant and "you have such a GOOD baby-he never cries!". He had a paci shoved in his mouth every moment he was awake. I can't help-due to the timing-of feeling like that comment was meant for me to hear. I know in this situation, though, that the was probably nothing I could have done that would not cause a scene.
-Last, towards the end DD1 asked for snacks. I got some bread and a chicken dip(made with actual chicken not crap from a can) for her. I tasted the chicken dip first-it was good. I gave her some and someone glared at me and said "THAT is SPICY"(it wasn't) like I am a terrible parent for giving that to DD(however, all the other food was chips, cake, ect.-stuff she had already had too much of). Is there a nice way to say "back off I'm the mom"?

I am getting frustrated going ANYWHERE with my kids because it seems like I am always the odd one or "bad parent" for doing things differently. Even total strangers feel the need to "correct" me. Grrrr.

TIA

[gcgirl]

Who are these people you're socializing with? They sound awful! (I hope they're not family.)

ETA: 1. I would quietly reiterate that DD could not climb on the chair because it was broken and just ignore the other person.
2. I would tell the parents of the one-month old that the AAP recommends feeding on demand.
3. I would ignore the "good baby" comment. Some people are just ignorant AND rude AND passive-aggressive. Don't buy into their crap.
4. Say something like "Oh yeah, she LOVES the spicy stuff!" and laugh. People get confused when they're trying to get a rise out of you and you confound their expectations.

[earthmama369]

Those people sound really rude. I don't see eye to eye on parenting with all of my friends (or family), but they would never comment that way or directly countermand my parenting decisions (nor would I in return). Hello, boundaries!

My stock phrase for the few people I've met who overstep like the person telling your daughter to go ahead and play on the broken chair is "I've got this, thanks." I say it with a smile, but very firmly. I've found when I project confidence (regardless of how confident I'm feeling), people take me more seriously.

For the dip comment, a certain level of ingeniousness can go a long way.

"I know it's a touch spicy. Isn't it wonderful that dd has such a great palate? She's very adventurous and tries so many different foods. It's awesome." Like you can't even imagine that what they were saying was a criticism, because who in their right mind would complain that a child is eating a healthful, interesting food, right?

[weezix]

i've been in similar situations many times and it sure can be frustrating!

chair - i actually think i would have just ignored the other parent's comment. it's really not worth getting into a parenting debate over. i would have just followed through with your dd to come away from the chair and find something else to do.

feeding schedule - i can totally understand this one because my bff's don't parent like i do and my bff did everything with the baby on a schedule just like this. in this type of situation, i would have said nothing. however, if i was one on one with this other parent or if the discussion of the group was baby schedules etc, i would gently offer my opinion and guage from her response how much more i should say.

soothers - i HATE soothers. or let me rephrase, i hate when parents pop the soother in the baby's mouth everytime they make a noise, or even when they aren't making a noise! i can understand how that comment must have stung a little.

spicy - my dd (3) eats the weirdest things. she eats spicy, bitter you name it. all kids have different tastes. i maybe would have just said "spicy is her thing " or something like that...so that you aren't telling the other parent that they are wrong (by saying its not spicy) but that regarless of how spicy it is, you dd is ok with it.

Good Luck. I find it hard to know sometimes when to speak up and when to just let things go.

[Raine822]

Not family but we have many issues with my family as well. The party was for a DHs friend's DD. DH friend and his side of the family are great(very AP), the ones I posted about are the mother's(DHs friend's wife) friends and family. They all do the FF on a strict schedule, CIO, and artificial parents(bouncers, seats, TV, ect.-ALL THE TIME).

I was raised in a very non-attached family too so what it comes down to is my family causes issues(in many other posts), DHs family is WONDERFUL, most of our friends(we see very rarely) have not started families(we have nothing in common anymore), one of my old friends we still socialize with a lot, and a few others(like DHs friend from the party) we socialize with sometimes(but I don't like it). I need to find ways to socialize with people who are more AP friendly, I just don't know where to find them.

ETA: Wow, by the time I typed this to respond to a question there were several other posts! Thanks!

[tbone_kneegrabber]

well the first one (with the broken chair) I would assume the person said it was okay because they thought you were afraid of breaking the chair more, not getting hurt, and they were like, "meh, I don't care if that chair gets broken." to which you could say to your kid, "I'm not worried about the chair I'm worried about you getting hurt, stop climbing the chair" or whatever

The spicy comment, well I would assume the person was trying to be helpful, thinking you may not have tried it, or you thought it was something else and they were giving you information they thought you didn't have, "she'll like it" or "I tasted it and its not too spicy for her" is you then sharing information that person didn't have

[Quinalla]

1. I would say "Thanks, but I am worried about her getting hurt too, not just the chair getting more damaged." or maybe just a quick nod in their direction, but reiterate no climbing on the chair to my child.

2. I would speak up on this one as gently as possible. Citing AAP as another poster suggested is probably your best bet. If you don't feel you can bring it up in front of the crowd, I know that feeling myself, try to catch the mom on her own later.

3. I would completely ignore this comment. It's not worth getting riled over a comment that might not even be meant for me and one that makes no sense anyway.

4. I would say "Thanks for the warning, but she likes stuff like this!"

Generally, I try my hardest to assume everyone has the best intentions with their comments/advise. I don't always succeed, but when I do it really cuts down on my stress level worrying about intentions behind comments that probably aren't even there. And regardless, responding as if they had the best intentions even if they didn't is usually a good response. If they did, win-win as I responded to what they meant, if they didn't, still win for me as it will probably make them feel guilty for being rude

Though I do draw the line at things like #2. I can't keep quiet when people are saying things that are plain dangerous. Car seat safety is another big one for me.

[Norasmomma]

I have learned in many instances you just have to ignore what people say/do. My IL's are wonderful, BUT so much of their parenting practices are just so different than mine. We just went to my niece's wedding and I pretty much have to ignore much of what I see, sure it bugs the crap out of me, but it's not my kids. I mean my almost 4 year old isn't drinking a soda, but my just turned 3 year old nephew is allowed to and gets to choose what kind, I find that wrong on many levels. It's not really my choice.

In your situation the people may have been trying to be helpful, the chair was broken, it maybe was ok to some to play on. The dip, well LOTS of kids and adults don't do spice, especially kids who've been FF. They don't develop a taste for multiple flavors when you only get one flavor. My DD like spice, but not spicy-and spicy has a wide variance.

The baby comment may or may not been directed towards you, people say dumb stuff when a baby cries. I used to always get "oh she must be shy, because she's used to quiet, since it's only the 3 of you," from my IL's. No, she just hated that it was soooooo loud at my IL's, due to the fact our family has like 50 people. We'd show up and they'd want to play pass the baby and it would freak her out, until she warmed up.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Raine822

Not family but we have many issues with my family as well. The party was for a DHs friend's DD. DH friend and his side of the family are great(very AP), the ones I posted about are the mother's(DHs friend's wife) friends and family. They all do the FF on a strict schedule, CIO, and artificial parents(bouncers, seats, TV, ect.-ALL THE TIME).

I was raised in a very non-attached family too so what it comes down to is my family causes issues(in many other posts), DHs family is WONDERFUL, most of our friends(we see very rarely) have not started families(we have nothing in common anymore), one of my old friends we still socialize with a lot, and a few others(like DHs friend from the party) we socialize with sometimes(but I don't like it). I need to find ways to socialize with people who are more AP friendly, I just don't know where to find them.

ETA: Wow, by the time I typed this to respond to a question there were several other posts! Thanks!

You know, there is no right way to raise kids. We at MDC do things certain ways, but that doesn't make us right and everyone else a bad parent. And what is an artificial parent anyways?

When people tell my kids they can do something I've said they couldn't, I ignore them and repeat to my child that they aren't allowed to do it.

The crying baby and scheduled baby, I would just leave alone.

If people comment on food my kid is having, I usually tell them why. If I don't feel like explaining it to them, I just ignore it.

If you are going to be around these people, you'll have to learn to ignore some things. I do this with my family and il's all the time. I really don't need to explain to them why I don't want my kid doing something. It's between me and my kids.

[scottishmommy]

People say silly stuff. Most of my parenting choices are very well researched, so if I feel like explaining decisions I usually start say " I know it seems crazy, but we are the only culture who does XYZ...". Generally, however, I don't do this in front of other parents. Mothers are in a perpetual state of guilt, they don't need me to add to it. I usually only "lecture" people who don't have kids yet. They tend to be very receptive. I've inducted a lot of new moms into the AP lifestyle LOL.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

You know, there is no right way to raise kids. We at MDC do things certain ways, but that doesn't make us right and everyone else a bad parent. And what is an artificial parent anyways?

When people tell my kids they can do something I've said they couldn't, I ignore them and repeat to my child that they aren't allowed to do it.

The crying baby and scheduled baby, I would just leave alone.

If people comment on food my kid is having, I usually tell them why. If I don't feel like explaining it to them, I just ignore it.

If you are going to be around these people, you'll have to learn to ignore some things. I do this with my family and il's all the time. I really don't need to explain to them why I don't want my kid doing something. It's between me and my kids.

This world is home to lots of parents, and obviously there are lots of ways to do the job. You don't need to justify to others why you feed your child spicy food or won't allow her to climb on broken furiture. Reacting defensively when other parents passive-aggressively criticize your parenting doesn't accomplish anything, and probably won't win you any AP converts. And it's a two-way street: suspending judgement of others who don't parent the same way you do is the right thing to do if you don't want them to judge you, KWIM? For example, it's really none of your business that another parent chooses to feed her baby on a schedule rather that on demand. Unless she specifically asked you for advice on feeding, she can figure out for herself that she could change her baby's feeding schedule so he won't get hungry between feedings.

What it comes down to is that as long as their child is receiving care and love, all parents have the right to follow whatever parenting practices they choose without being judged by others.

[Raine822]

artificial parent = battery operated(sorry, thought I explained that)
exs: bouncers, swings, TV, ect.

I'm not against the use of these but I personally don't use them all day long. I was trying(sorry again-not very clear?) to highlight how different we are. I did that because the other mom WAS asking for advice-she was concerned about her DS eating more than 4 ounces but the doctor told her that he should eat only 2-3. What I was wondering was what might you say? I would never push demand feeding if someone is totally against it but there was an answer there-babies who eat less often eat more at each feeding(just don't know how I would have phrased it or if anything I said would have been taken as judgmental because they know I do things differently)

She didn't ask me specifically-it was many people in a room talking but I stayed quiet.

[InMediasRes]

I am going to try to be as polite as possible, but I find that term "artificial parent" (I've also heard "mechanical mommy") incredibly judgmental and derrogatory.

I understand what you are talking about when you say that people use these things all day, but there is a wide spectrum of how much/in what ways people use different parenting tools. I take offense to someone saying that I used the swing as a replacement for myself when I was holding DS the other 22 hours a day. The swing was a safe place to sleep that bought me some much needed sanity when nothing else worked.

I know you aren't talking about people who use these things appropriately and occasionally, but you may find it easier to stop judging those who don't if you eliminate that phrase from your vocabulary.

[Raine822]

My question was not about vocabulary but about responding in situations where different views are present and I am the minority. I find it very frustrating that I have to exclude myself from social conversation and walk on eggshells so as not to offend anyone else, but, I have to endure almost constant criticism, nasty remarks, fear-mongering, and outright DEMANDS that I parent differently to appease someone else. All I am trying to do is be a better person and care for my children in a better way than I was without having to never leave the house. I am sorry that I failed to chose the right words so as not to offend. I thought I found a resource here to help me grow and learn. I see now that is not the case I am sorry to be a bother-I won't be back.

[EviesMom]

If they were people I didn't really know and wasn't likely to see again/see very often, I'd probably just let all of it go, honestly. I would get my DD off the chair, explain quietly to her that I didn't feel it was safe, and I'd say "she loves spicy!" for the last one if they were actually talking to you. I would stay out of the formula discussion unless asked directly, and even then, I'm not sure I could advise because I'm so unfamiliar with formula.

Unless it were family giving advice on my own kid, in which case I would explain that our choices were different and not up for discussion, or a close friend looking for advice, I don't think it's worth the battle.

I would try to find something other than parenting to talk about, probably, if we had anything else in common for such a short event like a party--movies? books? music? I also try to avoid settings that I think I'll be the minority in a hostile situation where people don't want to discuss anything else, and if necessary, make sure I have at least a like-minded friend or two where we can talk about stuff together instead.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Raine822

I find it very frustrating that I have to exclude myself from social conversation and walk on eggshells so as not to offend anyone else, but, I have to endure almost constant criticism, nasty remarks, fear-mongering, and outright DEMANDS that I parent differently to appease someone else.

I can understand your frustration, but I'm sure there are lots of mainstream parents who hold their tongues and walk on eggshells to avoid offending AP parents -- you just don't notice them because they don't say anything. And for every pushy, judgmental mainstream parent, there's a holier-than-thou, judgmental AP parent, the same as in all walks of life. It sounds like the folks at the party just weren't your crowd.

Some good catch-all phrases I've made use of in the past are, "Thanks, but we're fine," "Thanks, but I've got it," "Oh, this works for us, but thanks," etc. Search MDC for "pass the bean dip" and you'll find some good examples of this type of vague, politely-dismissive comment to use in situations like you describe.

[new2this]

The chair deal I would have just looked at my child and said something like I said no you cannot play on it. Rather then saying something to the adult.

The feeding everyone does things differently and while it may not be "recommended" it might work for them and I am sure they don't need someone telling them otherwise. If its not working for them they will soon find out type thing.

The good baby comment I don't see so much as derogatory/snotty remark. Because most people know its not about good or bad. But more in terms of conversation.

The food issue I guess I would have said we got this or something like that.

As far as artificial parent comment. That is just rude and offending as well. People do things differently and unless you are with them 24/7 you do not know how they do things all the time. Yes there are crappy parents in both "mainstream" and "AP" No one parenting style is the be all end all.