Did you lose any friends after becoming a parent?

[AFWife]

My feelings are quite hurt. A friend of ours from college got married this weekend...we found out via facebook. We knew he was getting married sometime in June but were never told the exact date.

THEN a few of our other friends went and did their own "after party" an hour or so away from us and didnt' invite us. When I asked why I was told, "Because you have a kid and one on the way." I replied that we could have met up for dinner or something and was told, "I know your DH likes to be in bed by 10...we didn't get here until 9." Uhm, they were still there the next morning and into the afternoon...still, no one said "Hey, come have lunch" or "We're close to you want to meet up?"

Before children this wouldn't have happened. We would have been included in an instant. But now...it's like having kids has caused us to not exist.

[Super~Single~Mama]

It's happened to me. But, I didn't lose friends, I just wasn't the first person they thought of when going out to a bar.

So, I started inviting people to do things. Especially to hang out with me and DS. And, what was better, is that my friends are more than happy to watch DS and give me a break - I just had to ask!

I think I've learned that being a parent really requires me to reach out to the people I want to stay friends with. I let them know my availability and we find times that are mutually agreeable - and make plans!

It's hard, but don't take it too personally.

[Raine822]

I understand. I was 23 when DD1 was born and most of our friends were not even thinking about marriage/kids. They, at first, would still invite us but since it was usually a bar/club and we couldn't take DD we would say no-they eventually stopped asking at all(even, like you mentioned, when it is somewhere we CAN go).

[annethcz]

Absolutely I drifted away from friends after I had kids- our lifestyles WERE different. For the most part, I was okay with it because I was living my ideals.

Have you turned down invitations in the past due to needing to get to bed early or something similar? My kids are getting older, so I go out quite a bit in the evenings. I have some friends who still have babies/toddlers. And although I invite them out, they've said no so often that I don't make a big effort to invite them anymore. Right now their focus is on nursing their kids to sleep, instead of dancing the night away

Although it wasn't conscious, after I had kids I drifted away from some of my former friends because we were living such vastly different lives. But I made new friends. I went to LLL meetings and playgroups, and my social needs were met in those settings instead of in nightclubs.

I do find that I'm able to be better friends with some of my former friends now that my kids are older and I'm able to get out more often. Except, of course, for the friends who now have babies/toddlers

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by Raine822

I understand. I was 23 when DD1 was born and most of our friends were not even thinking about marriage/kids. They, at first, would still invite us but since it was usually a bar/club and we couldn't take DD we would say no-they eventually stopped asking at all(even, like you mentioned, when it is somewhere we CAN go).

Yeah. We got married at 19 and 21 (me and DH respectively) and I was 22 when DS was born. I'll be 23 when this next baby is born...

Most of my friends from high school are JUST NOW getting married. Kids? Heck no. And the friend that got married this weekend is the first of our college friends to get married.


We had a party in January here at the house. Around 10 or 11pm everyone goes, "Let's go hit up some bars!!" I laughed out loud because I wasn't going and DH was like, "Dude, it's late. I'm headed to bed. You guys need to leave."

[Caneel]

I think it is natural that friendships shrink and expand as we travel through different stages of life.

We were the last of our group to have kids and I am sure in the early years, people wondered "why don't they call us anymore?" And like someone else mentioned, after they (couples with small kids) declined our invitations enough times (for totally valid, having-young-kids reasons) we just stopped asking.

When we had our son, I 100% understood how friendships cool off. Not that we didn't like each other as much, I just simply had no desire to participate in their activities.

We did our late nights in our 20s and 30s, they had their kids during that time. Now they wanted to go out and whop it up and we want to stay home with DS. Just different places in life.

[rightkindofme]

I have lost touch with a lot of people. Mostly I'm ok with it because they weren't good friends anyway. My good friends still come around. My good friends are the 'aunts' and 'uncles' and they make an effort. The ones I partied with? Enh. They'll still be there in 10 years when I want to do that kind of thing again (if I do).

[TulsiLeaf]

i lost every single one of them. all of them. i went from going out all the time, hanging around friends most nights of the week.

to nothing.

[VroomieMama]

Yep I lost some of friends but gained friends with people who are parents themselves.

[peainthepod]

Lost some, gained others. It was sad, but I think it's fairly natural. When people's values and lifestyles change it can be hard to maintain a friendship.

[Adallae]

Our friends (and family for that matter) seem to fall into 2 categories. One is like you describe - they don't even bother invite us to things anymore.

The other group still invites us to everything, but gets irritated when we either have to decline, show up late, or leave early, due to DD's sleep schedule - or OUR sleep schedule. They expect our lives to go on as usual, and can't understand why we let her 'control' us and don't just leave her with a babysitter.

I can kind of understand the friends who exclude us. We're in a very different place in our lives. Maybe one day we'll reconnect. Some, who are recently engaged and/or married, have already begun to come back around, as they can see how they will soon be us.

The ones who insist on the guilt trips and won't even try to understand that our lives have changed - I'm glad to be rid of them.

[laughymama]

We have had this happen. But we've also been blessed.

Some friends decided we weren't worth the trouble. I mean, we can't just drop everything and go out whenever. We need a babysitter or it has to be a kid friendly place and there are diapers to pack and snacks to pack and a carseat to fumble with...staying at home just sounds that much better.

Some flat out told us we were boring and 'no fun' anymore because well...we didn't want to just drop our child off at a sitter all the time to go on a whim trip to wherever. Those friends turned out to not be such good friends. So it ended.

Then we have friends who are in different life stages but it really makes our friendship with them blossom in a way. We have respect for the differences and we embrace them. They love our kids and they love having them be a part of their lives. So they include them often and enjoy them. It's refreshing. Not something everyone who is childless can do, I realize but it's nice when someone does.

So basically some friends thought we turned lame and others loved that we turned lame.

It happens. It's hard, but I don't know anyone who it hasn't happened to.

[seriosa]

We just grew apart. My best and closest friends friends from my twenties & thirties are mostly still single or childless, though we are now all on the far side of 40. DS's early years I still got invited, and turned down a lot of those. So they stopped coming. I've superficially befriended some other moms, but the connection, the intimacy isn't there, these are relationships based on convenience and proximity rather than on any deeper empathy. The old friends are turning up again now that I am more mobile and need less sleep , but I do realise that what we had won't come back.

[limabean]

I can't think of any friends I've lost since becoming a parent. But DH and I have always been pretty low-key people with pretty low-key friends. I imagine it'd be a much tougher transition if you had particularly non-understanding friends, or if your lifestyle and availability changed significantly once you became a parent.

I've known people on both sides of the fence who have contributed to the demise of friendships -- I've known non-parents who can't tolerate any slight alteration in the relationship once a baby is born, and I've known new parents who act like they can't possibly be bothered with silly things like friendships now that they have A CHILD.

[lifeguard]

We actually had ds after most of our friends had children. For years I felt left out because I didn't have a child but nothing has really changed. I still often feel left out. I chalk it up more to the friendship never having been strong than anything actually to do with having children.

[ZoshaMosha]

Yeah, I lost my best friend after I had kids. I can't really blame it on kids, it could be coincidental, but we drifted apart fast. I felt like she had no idea what to do with my kids or how to relate to them and also to me as a mother. It is very strange. We are still friends but she lives all the way across the country now and wee rarely talk.

[ewe+lamb]

Lost some - gained others.

[gbailey]

OP, my feelings would be hurt too but at least you know where you stand with them.

I've lost touch with a few people since having a child but also gained some wonderful friends who are parents.

[barefootmama0709]

We are lucky to know a few other young couples with children. However, we did lose some friends-we just didn't have much in common with them any more.

[AFWife]

DH finally said something to him and got a "It's best to reach me on my cell" response. Like it's OUR fault we didn't show up? *sigh* It's times like this I realize how much more grown up we are...