infants and visitation schedules

[goodlife2010]

I recently posted about my plans to break up w/my ex bf.

Him and I have agreed to work w/ea other and bipass child support. Instead he pays for whatever the baby (3months) needs. I'm not sure if I'll be able to put up with him just paying for the baby's needs as opposed to going to court..but for now that is what we agreed on.

My question is this: how beneficial is it for the BABY to be bounced between my home and his at her age?. We live about an hour apart from each other. So, right now we plan to have her at his home two days a week and my house two days a week. His partents will watch her during the day Mon-Fri. On Friday nights she will be w/him. Then alternate weekends. I'm not really comfortable with this schdule b/c I have heard the child should be with the primary caregiver as much as possible as this age.

The problem is my ex bf is an angry indivdual that will make my life HELL if I do not agree to him being able to have overnights with her....

Any suggestions?

[doubledutch]

my suggestion is to have a formal custody arrangement.

[*MamaJen*]

Mama, I know that your ex is emotionally abusive and I know that you still feel scared of him. But like all angry and controlling guys, to a large degree he only has as much power over you as you give him.
The impartial court system is there for a reason. If you go through the courts for child support and visitation, you will be better off. He's using threats and intimidation to blind you to the fact that the court system will be on your side. It's just the same as an abuser trying to isolate his victim from friends and family that would help her.
You can choose to limit your contact with your ex to essential logistical information. You can communicate only via email. You can shield yourself from his emotional and verbal abuse.
Right now, you are still enmeshed in the exact same dynamics of an abusive relationship, even though you're technically out of the relationship. Realistically, you are still in an abusive relationship. You're still giving him that power over you. I know it's hard, but you have to stop being afraid of him. You have to find freedom in your own mind.
Good luck to you, mama.

ETA: Oh, and to answer your initial question, no, I don't believe it's in the interest of a newborn to be bounced around like that. Visitation with a newborn almost always builds up gradually.

[karika]

I agree that you need to get a parenting plan in writing filed with the courts. He should not have overnights this early IMO. Are you breastfeeding? If not, start relactating. A breastfed baby probably cannot be ordered for overnights. If your ex has anger issues, I would be trying to keep the baby out of that situation. I was lucky that dd2's father just wants nothing so I don't have any experience with it. I would be wary of his parents keeping the baby too, but I wouldn't let anyone babysit my babies, so maybe that's just me. You can find all the papers you need online with your court. There is a person here (in my county, at the courthouse) that answers questions too. If you have no money, the fee to file can be waived and is minimal (like $60).

[*MamaJen*]

I'm also curious, did your ex sabotage your breastfeeding relationship, like, for example, tell you that you couldn't breastfeed so he could have time with her? If so, it is possible to relactate.

[goodlife2010]

MaMa Jen,

No, my ex bf did not try to get me to stop breast feeding early at all.
He encouraged me to do it as long as I could. I stopped breastfeeding mainly b/c I had to get back to work and did not want to have to pump my brestmilk.
Yes, I am still afraid of his response to issues I bring up and I am still tip toeing around him to avoid a blow up. ~sigh~..this is not easy

[blessedwithboys]

if you are not breastfeeding the only grounds you have for avoiding overnights would be if you can prove he has harmed the baby in the past. not "i think he may harm her", i mean concrete proof like police reports or CPS reports.

its harmful to an infant to be bounced around. you will want to read up on attachment disorder to try to maybe find ways to reduce the chances of it developing.

for sure, relactate immediately. whats worse, pumping or losing 50% of your infants life?

[VocalMinority]

You're no longer trying to make a life with him. Now is the time to begin putting your child's needs ahead of the ways he would like to be able to manipulate you. An infant should NOT have the same visitation schedule as an older child (EOW away from Mommy). In your heart, you know that. So will the judge. Go to court. What's the good of breaking up with him, if you still let your life be ruled by the fear of what he'll do if you make him mad?

If he poses an actual physical threat to you or the baby (like abuse or kidnapping) when he's angry, that should inform whether he gets visitation/how much/whether it's supervised.

If what you're afraid of is NOT physical harm or kidnapping, then YOU must train yourself not to make decisions based on how he'll feel or react. Let him BE mad, in his own separate home and his own separate life!

[Latte Mama]

I know this sounds horribly sexist but i don't care. Babies need their mamas. 3 month olds need NOT to be bounced around like that, especially if you work mama. FTR, I WOH too and I would not have my infant away from me like that.

He can still bond with his child without having overnights at this point.

[vocalise]

Attachment is important, and I wouldn't risk setting the wee one up for an insecure attachment by bouncing her back and forth. Short, frequent visits for infants, working up to increased blocks over time is the way to go, IMO.

http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/fam.../attach403.htm

Be willing to do what it takes to protect your dd's best interests. If that means he tries to make your life hell, it may be worth it in the end.

BTW, in what ways would he try to make your life hell? What kind of power do you think he has over you? If you explain, the wise mamas on this board might be able to offer some concrete suggestions.

[goodlife2010]

another incident

Thanks for all your support and advice.
Yesterday our daughter started daycare. The exbf called the daycare once, went to visit her twice, insited she have her pacifier(they have a no pacifier rule), told them to turn down the music they had playing..
We had an orientation b/f we put our baby in the daycare. So, he KNEW abou the pacifier rule. The daycare is into self soothing. Exbf said he does not belive in self soothing for a baby that young.
Anyway, when he got her home(his night to take her) he said he noticed a bruise on her forehead. He emailed me the bruise. I took a look, and it was there but very faint. He said he did not notice it when he picked her up from the daycare. She was in the darker room where the cribs are kept so he did not see it until he got her home.
I met with the daycare staff(2 folks) and they assured me they would have called me or him if there was an incident. I belive them.
I have a history w/ this daycare b/c my oldest was w/them for 2yrs and I NEVER had anything like this happen.
He feels I am siding with the daycare. I just don't think they hit or did anything to her. I'm not sure how the mark got there but intrestingly enough it was gone w/i an hour of him sending me that picture and the only other ppl who saw the bruise were his mom and dad....
I'm sacred of his rages...I have seen a few of them and they are filled w/profanities and horrible name calling ...I guess I need to just get past that and get ready for a custody fight...

[*MamaJen*]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and I know how horrible it is.
But you have to get out of this abusive relationship. Even if you're technically broken up, you are still trapped in the psychology of abuse.
I would strongly, strongly suggest counseling for you with someone who is an expert in abuse. Also, please start reading everything you can about how abuse works. If you understand the gaslighting, the manipulation, the mind games and the cycle of abuse, you can fight it.
My advice to you is to not give a damn about his tirades. Get a lawyer -- it may cost money but you're talking about the next 18 years of you and your baby's life. File for a regular visitation schedule and regular child support. Don't let him work around the system. This is the most important part -- cut off all contact with him, except for emails about logistical, factual information. This is vital. Every time you see him or talk to him, you're giving him an opportunity to control, abuse and manipulate you. You have to break that cycle of abuse by not giving him the opportunity to abuse you. You have to be strong with him. You have to learn how to set up brick wall boundaries and keep them up. You have to learn how to say no to him, and mean it.
You cannot deal with abusive guys the same way that you deal with regular guys. The normal rules don't apply. Protecting yourself has to be your top priority, because unless you protect yourself, you can't protect your daughter.
Also, please google borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy. Most abusers fall into one of those personality groups.

[goodlife2010]

Thank you MamaJen,

Your words are not falling on deaf ears. I have an appointment to see a therapist on June 22nd. Thank you for the sites I will take a look as well.
Wish me luck..it is going to be along road w/him and I need all the prayers I can get.
I'm sending good vibes your way for your words of encouragment!

[Avani]

Being that you already have allowed overnights and have the baby all day in daycare and you aren't nursing i think that you already have a precedent set for visitation.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by goodlife2010

I'm sacred of his rages...I have seen a few of them and they are filled w/profanities and horrible name calling ...I guess I need to just get past that and get ready for a custody fight...

And this is exactly why you need to do this arrangement through the courts. It doesn't matter if you agreed to do otherwise. You're allowed to change your mind; someone that verbally abuses you doesn't get to call the shots!

You simply cannot have the next 18 years of your life be a constant battle with you fearful at every turn. That's no way to live. I'm sorry but there is no way around going to court. And YES, I think it's way too young for that baby to be bounced around. My son is eight and I still think he needs the stability of knowing where he lives (and thankfully I don't have to share custody although my ex isn't a picnic either).

And... any result of a custody fight could not be worse than the schedule he's proposing anyway! Your ex will rage and moan but he does anyway. So give yourself some peace of mind, ultimately. DO NOT set a precedent so early by letting him take your child so much. Remain the primary caregiver so that in court (because I guarantee you will eventually end up there) he can't say you're not the primary caregiver. This is big. Don't let it happen. It's okay to put your baby before his temper tantrums. It's hard to make this change in your dynamic - but it's even harder to go on living that way.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by goodlife2010

My question is this: how beneficial is it for the BABY to be bounced between my home and his at her age?. We live about an hour apart from each other. So, right now we plan to have her at his home two days a week and my house two days a week. His partents will watch her during the day Mon-Fri. On Friday nights she will be w/him. Then alternate weekends. I'm not really comfortable with this schdule b/c I have heard the child should be with the primary caregiver as much as possible as this age.


Any suggestions?

I suggest that you DO NOT do every 2 nights. Thats insanity for a child, and the closest we ever got to that with my DS he was a WRECK. Constantly a WRECK. He never settled down, he didn't sleep well, he was a DISASTER. (he was about 10-11months)

I don't know how old your baby is though. But, just b/c you don't exchange every 2 nights, doesn't mean he won't have overnights. And what does him "paying for everything the baby needs" mean anyway?? rent? food? formula? breastmilk storage bags and pump parts? Umm...I don't get it.

I suggest you retain a lawyer, and work this out through lawyers. That doesn't necessarily mean going to trial, but it can mean mediation, or working out a schedule that slowly increases your ex's time with baby as baby gets older.

[Goodmom2008]

Personally, there is no way I would ever agree to the kind of schedule you are doing with a baby that young. Especially with the father living an hour away. You will be stuck with this type of schedule when the child is in school. Depending on who wins the fight to where school will be, you could be commuting an hour one way to get your child to school. Even if the child goes to school by you, the child will be the one doing the commuting either way.

Also, if he decides what you want reimbursed for isn't necessary, then he doesn't have to pay. In fact, he doesn't have to pay anything without a court order.

In fact, he could keep the baby and there's not much you can do since there is no court order.

Get child support and custody set up ASAP.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by goodlife2010

Thanks for all your support and advice.
Yesterday our daughter started daycare. The exbf called the daycare once, went to visit her twice, insited she have her pacifier(they have a no pacifier rule), told them to turn down the music they had playing..
We had an orientation b/f we put our baby in the daycare. So, he KNEW abou the pacifier rule. The daycare is into self soothing. Exbf said he does not belive in self soothing for a baby that young.
Anyway, when he got her home(his night to take her) he said he noticed a bruise on her forehead. He emailed me the bruise. I took a look, and it was there but very faint. He said he did not notice it when he picked her up from the daycare. She was in the darker room where the cribs are kept so he did not see it until he got her home.

Oh, they probably didn't hit her. But what they probably did, since they are into "self-soothing" is let her cry it out to get her to go to sleep by herself and she banged her head against the crib. Since that is common, it would not be considered an accident and not reported at all.

[Avani]

That whole self soothing thing is so disturbing. Sorry but letting a 3 month old infant self soothe? A 3 month old that screams so much that it can bang it's poor little soft head against a crib hard enough to create a bruise? Downright abusive in my opinion. I can't even imagine not holding a sweet little infant that is distressed. To be honest i agree with your ex that at the very least a pacifer would be better then allowing that poor baby to scream alone in a crib Your ex clearly loves the baby and it sounds like he is capable of providing a loving space for the baby. You don't nurse, the baby is in a daycare all day long, you have already given overnights...what exactly is it that you want to suggest for visitation?

[MissLotus]

I don't know if your ex makes a fuss about the daycare stuff just to be difficult because you chose it, or because he's legitimately concerned (I'm hoping it's the latter). But like the PP said, the "self-soothing" thing sounds off to me. Isn't that just another way of saying "crying it out"?

I know that's a whole other debate. But it just seems like it would be a daycare worker's job to soothe a child. And it's "common" for her to bang her head against the crib while she's so upset? Your ex sounds like a piece of work, and you definitely need legal boundaries with him ASAP, but if he is indeed concerned about those issues, I have to say I would be too. That doesn't sound like any place I'd want my baby to be. It should not be the norm for infants to bang their heads on the crib, they're crying so hard. That is simply horrible.