Not happy with church that I attend

[Princess77]

About a year ago my dh was asked to be an asst. pastor to this small country church. (He doesn't get any $$$ for this position. Just helping the pastor out.) There is less than 20 that go and we used to go to a church of about 300. The number doesn't bother me except for the fact that my two kids ages 13 and 10 are the only kids there (except for the occasional visitor). We had an active part in the other church we went to of about 300 and I so want to go back there but my dh wants to wait and see how things go here. We've been here for almost one year.

The pastor's wife acts odd. There's times she's nice and other times she's a snot. I thought it was just me but then someone else told me the things that I was thinking. There's a young girl in her twentys that is also my son's ss teacher that hates me (looong story) anyways I don't feel welcome here. For instance tonight there is a musicians/singers' practice and we didn't even know about it. It's like they didn't want us there. My dh plays bass and I sing. In fact there's another church that was invited because we're all going to church camp together. There's more I could say but I'm sure you get my point. Here's my question what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Katala]

Originally Posted by Princess77

About a year ago my dh was asked to be an asst. pastor to this small country church. (He doesn't get any $$$ for this position. Just helping the pastor out.) There is less than 20 that go and we used to go to a church of about 300. The number doesn't bother me except for the fact that my two kids ages 13 and 10 are the only kids there (except for the occasional visitor). We had an active part in the other church we went to of about 300 and I so want to go back there but my dh wants to wait and see how things go here. We've been here for almost one year.

The pastor's wife acts odd. There's times she's nice and other times she's a snot. I thought it was just me but then someone else told me the things that I was thinking. There's a young girl in her twentys that is also my son's ss teacher that hates me (looong story) anyways I don't feel welcome here. For instance tonight there is a musicians/singers' practice and we didn't even know about it. It's like they didn't want us there. My dh plays bass and I sing. In fact there's another church that was invited because we're all going to church camp together. There's more I could say but I'm sure you get my point. Here's my question what would you do if you were in my shoes?

If it were me, I would most definitely stop attending and seek out a place of worship where I DID feel welcome and comfortable.

[lilyka]

Does your dh need this job at all? it doesn't pay. Does he plan to become a pastor? is this vital experiance? is he building his resume? If not why the heck ar eyou guys there? It sounds awful. You need to talk to your dh about moving to a better church without so much drama.

[homewithtwinsmama]

I can't understand why your husband is putting his family's spiritual needs in second place. No children and you feel like and outcast. Doesn't sound like a place where the spirit is alive. I think a year of unpaid service is more than enough to see where this is going. Move on with or without your husband. There is no requirement that you attend a church where you are mistreated and your children have no age mates.

[Princess77]

We started going to this church because the pastor had sent dh a letter saying he needed his help and wanted him as an asst. pastor but he doesn't even tell anyone that he is the asst. pastor. I know that really doesn't matter a whole lot but I'm thinking their just using us ... for tithes, a number and to do whatever else that needs to be done.

I'm over the ladies aux. which means I have to send out b-day, get well, & anniversary cards plus throw a b-day party for the pastor and his wife. Since we are small in number that means a lot of $ is coming out of our pockets to do these things. Last C-mas we spent a lot of $ on their gift from "the church". They gave out gifts to everyone in the church except me. They gave gifts to the officers, my kids, and the elders and I guess being over the ladies aux. didn't mean much. =( I was hurt considering I had asked the young girl in her twenties if she had ideas and if she wanted to help me and she said getting them a gift was the last thing on her mind. They didn't forget to get her a gift from the church nor did they forget to get her a gift just from them and ask her to come over for c-mas.

Anyways as I said it is a looong story and I'm trying to get my dh to see things clearly. He says he wants to stay until God wants him to leave. I'm thinking if things don't change soon I want to leave but some people would say if I went to one church and he another that I wasn't supporting him and I would hurt his ministry.

[lilyka]

They would be right. You wouldn't be supporting your dh and his ministry. but only you can decide if that matters and if it does matter then that will dictate what you do from there.

Yes they are using you. Thats obvious. It would be one thing if this was your church home and you were stepping up to save something you loved. but its not. these are strangers and you were asked to move over here and volunteer without appreciation.

I would step down from any ministry position before leaving. And I would be honest if they asked you why. They do not seem to like you anyway so what have you got to lose. you can be honest and kind at the same time. They do not appreciate you or the things you do. They can either do them themselves or live without them. maybe that would help you feel better about the whole situation if you weren't force to also be used and unappreciated. if your dh wants to be used that is fine but you can support him without letting them use you too.

man, this really sucks and I am sorry your dh is forcing you to be in this position.

[Stephenie]

Are there any positives? Reasons your husband feels God wants your family there? Do they preach a great message? Reach out to an under served part of the community you feel strongly about? Anything good at all? Find out why you husband feels God wants him there. If he doesn't have a real answer, then maybe you can get him to move on. If he does have a good answer, then it's time for you to speak up and try to better things a bit there. I am so sorry you and your family are dealing with this. s

[Princess77]

First of all maybe I should explain that in the beginning they acted like we were all good friends. We had known them from about ten years ago and were friends then but drifted apart. Now it seems like the pastor is nicer then his wife. She has days when she seems nice then others where she doesn't. This girl that goes there that is in her 20s tries to compete with me on singing etc. It seems like the pastor's wife knows she doesn't like me and when they are together won't have anything to do with me.

It's such a small church that there isn't anyone even my age with whom I can be friends with so that just makes it worse. They have more men going then women. I just feel out of my element at times and am tired of playing childish games. This girl is rude to my kids to the point that one of them told me the other day that they didn't like her. I've tried to laugh a lot of stuff off because if you don't they say you have your feelings on your shoulders.

My dh is an all around nice guy and sometimes doesn't see when folks are using him or are rude. I on the otherhand try to give people the benefit of the doubt until it just keeps happening over and over again. My sis has even pointed things out that I just didn't want to see so I know it's not just me being negative and not giving this whole situation a chance.

[just_lily]

I don't think I would want to stay there either. Twenty people? Is this a house church? We have 16 people just in my bible study group (plus all of our kids).

If your DH doesn't want to leave, could you look around in your area for a church that meets at a different time? There are services around here on Saturday nights, Sunday nights, Monday nights, Wednesdays etc. Maybe you could find a service that you could attend in addition to going to this other church so you can start getting your spiritual needs met. Even if DH doesn't want to go with you it might be a compromise that will work for the time being.

[hotmamacita]

If it is a church of 20 people why does the Pastor need help?

Is this Pastor a kind leader? Is he teaching the men to love their wives, children, neighbors, etc?

Does the church have elders? What type of men are they?

I would ask your husband his thoughts on these questions and share yours with him. I would also share your heart and experiences about the dynamics with women at the church. I would talk and pray with him about whether or not, at this point in your marriage and parenting, you feel called to fight the unseen battles at the church.

I hope good things for your family!

[Grace and Granola]

I would kindly suggest to your dh that if his wife and children are miserable at their place of worship, and that their spiritual needs are not being met, then that just might be God nudging him to leave.

Is your dh having a positive experience there so that he feels like he is doing God's work and that he belongs there?

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

If it is a church of 20 people why does the Pastor need help?

Um... that is a really good point.

my priest has about 150 people who regularly attend plus another 300 or so who live too far to attend on a regular basis. Not only is he the only pastor but he is highly involved with each person meating regularly with people four counseling, confession and prayer, visiting the shut ins, has no secretary and is responsible for the day to day up keep of the building. And this is not uncommon even at bigger parishes. BUt I will confess I often wonder what exactly protestant pastors *do* all day. The ones I know mostly hang out in coffee shops around town all day. They are writing on their computer but really how long does it take to write a sermon? I know a lot write books...but that is really a side job. Not part of being a pastor. But yeah, why does this guy need an assistant.

[hotmamacita]

I also think it is really important for us to be wise, prayerful, honest, and observant about the character and Spiritual maturity of those Spiritual leaders we subject our children and ourselves to.

[luv-my-boys]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

I also think it is really important for us to be wise, prayerful, honest, and observant about the character and Spiritual maturity of those Spiritual leaders we subject our children and ourselves to.

I agree!! I think for the sounds of your post if it were up to you your family would be at another church, yes? I would sit down with your DH and have a serious heart to heart about what exactly you guys think a *church* is, for example I think for our family *church* is not a building but a community. Are you receiving what you need spiritiually from this particular church? Is it truly bringing the message of your faith and spirituality to your family?

Simply saying "im a pastor" or "im a Christian" is not enough in my book. Your actions and heart lead that, if your preaching one thing yet your doing another that sends up huge red flags in my book. just a thought.

[lilyka]

I also want to add that we went to a simply horrible church for like 10 years. Why? Becuase my husband wanted to play guitar on the worship team and they had an opening and he had friends there and it was super fun for him. he hung out with the guys "backstage" during church while I sat through a misreable service in a place that just spoke death to my soul, wresteling small children and sitting in the nursery and being....well...misreable.

yeah sure it is probably fun for your dh to play pastor and makes him feel good but really, the needs of his family are more important and i think it is important that you gently communicate that to him. Perhaps start by asking him how he thinks this situation benefits the family spiritually. Once you have let hgim explain without interupting ask him if the cost (you and the childrens unhapppiness) is worth the benefits. again let him think about it and talk without interupting. Once he is done talking then calmly explain how misreable this place is for you. Maybe some good communication is all that is needed to help him see how non-beneficial this is to his family.

[stik]

I agree with others who have said that a church with 20 members has no need for an assistant pastor. I think your experience at the moment might help explain why membership has dropped by over 90%. Regardless of your dh's decisions, I think it's reasonable for you to resign your position with the ladies' auxiliary if it is too great a spiritual and financial drain on you.