5-yr-old afraid of death, sobbing, help!

[NicaG]

My ds seems to be having an existential crisis. A few days ago, we were driving in the car, and all the sudden he started sobbing uncontrollably. He told me he was thinking about how all our lives would end someday and it was making him sad. He probably cried for an hour. It was close to bedtime and it had been a long day. There have not been any deaths in the family recently (or since he was born, really).

Dh and I were not quite sure how to handle this...I sort of felt like ds needed to feel his feelings, and it was ok he was crying. Dh wanted to cheer him up and get him to stop crying. We talked about death a little, etc. etc. and eventually ds stopped crying, but then after he was in bed, he started crying again, calling us back up to his room.

So now ds has been having similar crying episodes throughout the day, and especially at bedtime. We've offered him a bunch of perspectives about death, thinking about death, etc. Honestly, my patience is starting to wear a bit thin. I just don't really know what else to say, and it's unsettling to have ds dwelling on this so much. I also feel like he's using this to delay his bedtime and call us back to his room, but I can't just walk away when he's crying, even if it's an hour past his bedtime.

Any ideas about how to handle this? Will it all just blow over?

[BunnyMcFluff]

Oh, gosh. Poor guy!

I had a lot of similar fears when I was about that age. My parents listened and reassured me and I eventually 'got ok' with the whole concept. It took awhile--I remember it coming up periodically for a couple of years.

At about the same age, I also had a lot of difficulty with religion/hell/being saved. I really wish my parents had kept me out of fundie churches at that age. It was really traumatic for me.

All that's to say that I think your son is normal. I think that with maturity and as he's developmentally capable, he'll assimilate really big concepts into his world understanding, kwim? Make him know he's loved and safe. Reassure him as often as he needs it. He'll make it through ok, I bet.

[LynnS6]

We have the same thing here, only it's more fear about dying. Dd is afraid of dying because she doesn't know what it feels like.

This started about a year ago, when she was 5, and is getting better. Now she's able to talk about it more rationally. When it first came up, it was just very visceral and she needed a lot of time to process it.

[KMK_Mama]

We had the same thing come up when my oldest was 5. We are atheist so at first when she asked what happens to us after we die I told her you get buried and that's the end. Her sadness got so bad that I finally broke down and told her that "some people believe in heaven," and that seemed to help. She would talk about what "her" heaven would look like, etc and she got over it.

[Dandelionkid]

We have talked to our kids about death being like birth. It must be hard and scary for a baby too but it leads to something pretty cool etc. We believe in an afterlife though so it is a pretty hopeful idea.

[fritz]

Here's a link to a great past thread about trying to help our kids come to term with death.

Basically, different personalities focus on different aspects of dying (physical body; separation from loved ones; what happens afterwards, etc), so some kids will be reassured to find out there could be a heaven, or your soul could be recycled; others will feel better after you tell them about the terms of your will (who will take care of them in the event that you die).

For now, maybe move up his bedtime a half hour earlier to allow time for talking about his fears/helping him process them. That way, even if it really is just a stalling tactic, he's not really getting to stay up any later.

HTH!

[lerlerler]

We had a death issue at 5 as well for DD, but because her grandma died.

We read Charlotte's Web during that time and although it WAS sad, the concept of Charlotte living forever through her children was appealing to her.

Now she runs around and mentions death almost TOO casually.

"You'll be dead someday, but I'll still love you"
"um, yea, great"

[Cascadian]

We went through this too. Our sobbing fits also turned into nightmares.

Once she integrated the whole concept - we believe in reincarnation - she was ok about it. I think it takes time for the shock to wear off and they have to process it.

[velochic]

Dd is 8 now and this started when she was about 3.5 with realizing that *I* would die some day. Her first concern was not about herself. It was that she realized (and to this day I don't know where she got it because at that age we were still TV free and she had not been to school yet) I would not be around forever. About 6 months later came the fear of her own death.

Over these past several years there have been times where she has had to think about it, cry about it, ask and talk about my death and her own death as her understanding changes with her maturity. For each stage, I've just followed the same pattern of asking her, essentially, "What do YOU think" and let her lead the conversations. I've never lied about death or what we believe about after you die (we are not spiritual people), but I've told her more about it as she has asked the questions. Sometimes it does mean to just let them cry. I've even cried with her because it's hard to watch her process something so difficult, yet so definite and absolute.

If I go just on my own experience with one child, I'd say that once they process it at their current level, they "get over it" until they become more aware of it or if they have an event that brings it up, at which point it has to be reprocessed at a different maturity level. HTH!

[phathui5]

My kids are generally positive about death and dying. For us, it helps that we are Christian and believe that death is a life passage and not an end. They talk about how one day, they'll get to see grandpop and great-grandma again (and all of grandma's assorted dogs).

[barefootmama0709]

I remember having an INTENSE fear of death as a kid-so much so that I would become very nauseated and even vomit upon occasion. It has been probably 20 years (at least 15) and I still remember it vividly. I also experienced some very intense death-related nightmares at this time. I think it's pretty normal for kids; everyone has to come to terms with death in their own way at some point. Honestly, I would talk about it as much as he seems to need right now-this is a huge concept for a young mind to encompass!