I don't even know what to write. My main question is this, is it unreasonable for me to expect dd1s father to be sober around her? Currently we are all living in the same house. I am awaiting a section 8 housing voucher. I don't even know how that will work, since i have no income or assets since declaring bankruptcy 2 years ago. I have 2 children, one is ex dh bio daughter, then when I had moved on I had another child with a younger male that said a lot of good things but then backed none of it up. I have been living at ex dh's home since finding out I was pregnant with dd2. He and I have separate rooms and are not romantically involved. We tried a few times, but I just do not have passion for him and still do not believe in monogamy (although I have been celibate while here), which he does. This is why we divorced. I had epiphanies that monogamy is not natural for humans, and I realized he is an alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and have codependent tendencies.
today, I thought he was on a sober streak. He normally drinks daily to excess but has been feeling a bit sick lately and so had only had a couple drinks the last 2 days. The baby and I are not on a schedule. We sleep whenever we want. Lately she has been sleeping in the daytime mostly. So, 4 pm and baby had been asleep for hours (I was attempting to have her only nap in order to flip her sleeping to be sure we would be up for an event later this week, but she was down for her big sleep). I go in to nap a bit so I would be ready for her again when she woke up. dd1 is on computer and with her father. I wake up (around 10 pm)hearing dd1 upset about having to get off computer. He asks her if she wants to watch Kim Possible (which is a show I do not approve of her watching, nor Disney much because she watches the teenage shows and acts drama queen) and I hear the slur in his voice. I don't remember the exchange exactly that I had with him. They were in bedroom, settling in to watch. I basically said something like, I thought you were staying sober for a few days. He said, "F**k you" to me. He never used to say things like that. I believe his alcoholism is moving to the next level. I looked at the food diary for dd1. She hadn't eaten very much, and very little protein (which is why she was so vocal about getting off computer IMO). He and I began arguing. He called me a bitch, a f**king bitch. said he was tired of me and my interfering. That they were perfectly fine settling in to watch tv before I woke up and made a fuss. At one point (I was holding dd2 in my arms during the whole exchange, and he has never been physical) he smacked the remote I was holding in my hand. To me, this is very close to physical abuse. I could see that he wanted to hit me, though he says he didn't want to.
I have been in so many abusive relationships (mostly emotional and mental with some physical) I am questioning myself. He is not like this when sober of course. And he will not admit he is different when under the influence either of course. He said tonight that I liked him that way (drunk) when we met and were married. I told him that I, like so many other women, thought he only drank because he was lonely and that he wouldn't once he had me and a family. He kept bringing up my cannabis use, and comparing it to alcohol. To me, there is no comparison. I even looked up studies. Science agrees there is no comparison and that cannabis is much less harmful to body and mental health. But I haven't had any cannabis in nearly a year. I made a conscious effort to stop since I didn't know where it was coming from, or if I was supporting other worse things by buying from that particular supplier. I wanted also to make sure there would be no 'dirt' for anyone looking at me as a parent. So I have been stone cold sober for nearly a year ( I am a long time cannabis smoker daily since 13 yo). I do not like alcohol's effects (or ingredients) so I do not drink.
So we argued in front of the children. I did try to disengage after getting dd1 out to living room, but he kept coming out to say more. dd1 was crying and asking us to stop arguing. She said it was the worst night ever
. Maybe I should have just said nothing and dealt with it in the morning. Or maybe I should be ok with him hanging out with her while drunk, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe I used to, but now it seems like the wrong choice for her. When she was a baby, I had a rule that he couldn't hold her on his feet after more than 3 drinks. Now he tries to pick up dd2 no matter how much he has had, insisting he is fine and acts like I am unreasonable for finding it unsafe.
I just do not want my daughter (dd1, dd2 is always with me) to grow up around a drunk daddy ( I would be fine if he chose cannabis however, which he does not use) like I did. Am I being unreasonable? I wrote him a few emails so he can read them with a clear head, and sent him many page links about alcoholism. I said if he couldn't or didn't want to stop, that the days he wants to consume more than 2 shots (how much he puts in one mixed drink), 2 beers, or 2 normal sized glasses of wine (he usually has super sized) that I need to be responsible for child. I asked that we have days and times worked out so I can be the responsible one in the room. He was working 50+ hours a week when I moved in, so in the past, I knew when he would be drinking, but he was laid off 4 months ago and now drinks to excess daily. I have tried to just keep dd1 with me, on my schedules, but you know he lets her watch disney, and she is already showing signs of codependency which has as a fact the child will defend the parent and attempt to be with them. I can't explain that part well. But she keeps hanging out with him.
So, long post, but am I being unreasonable?
today, I thought he was on a sober streak. He normally drinks daily to excess but has been feeling a bit sick lately and so had only had a couple drinks the last 2 days. The baby and I are not on a schedule. We sleep whenever we want. Lately she has been sleeping in the daytime mostly. So, 4 pm and baby had been asleep for hours (I was attempting to have her only nap in order to flip her sleeping to be sure we would be up for an event later this week, but she was down for her big sleep). I go in to nap a bit so I would be ready for her again when she woke up. dd1 is on computer and with her father. I wake up (around 10 pm)hearing dd1 upset about having to get off computer. He asks her if she wants to watch Kim Possible (which is a show I do not approve of her watching, nor Disney much because she watches the teenage shows and acts drama queen) and I hear the slur in his voice. I don't remember the exchange exactly that I had with him. They were in bedroom, settling in to watch. I basically said something like, I thought you were staying sober for a few days. He said, "F**k you" to me. He never used to say things like that. I believe his alcoholism is moving to the next level. I looked at the food diary for dd1. She hadn't eaten very much, and very little protein (which is why she was so vocal about getting off computer IMO). He and I began arguing. He called me a bitch, a f**king bitch. said he was tired of me and my interfering. That they were perfectly fine settling in to watch tv before I woke up and made a fuss. At one point (I was holding dd2 in my arms during the whole exchange, and he has never been physical) he smacked the remote I was holding in my hand. To me, this is very close to physical abuse. I could see that he wanted to hit me, though he says he didn't want to.
I have been in so many abusive relationships (mostly emotional and mental with some physical) I am questioning myself. He is not like this when sober of course. And he will not admit he is different when under the influence either of course. He said tonight that I liked him that way (drunk) when we met and were married. I told him that I, like so many other women, thought he only drank because he was lonely and that he wouldn't once he had me and a family. He kept bringing up my cannabis use, and comparing it to alcohol. To me, there is no comparison. I even looked up studies. Science agrees there is no comparison and that cannabis is much less harmful to body and mental health. But I haven't had any cannabis in nearly a year. I made a conscious effort to stop since I didn't know where it was coming from, or if I was supporting other worse things by buying from that particular supplier. I wanted also to make sure there would be no 'dirt' for anyone looking at me as a parent. So I have been stone cold sober for nearly a year ( I am a long time cannabis smoker daily since 13 yo). I do not like alcohol's effects (or ingredients) so I do not drink.
So we argued in front of the children. I did try to disengage after getting dd1 out to living room, but he kept coming out to say more. dd1 was crying and asking us to stop arguing. She said it was the worst night ever
. Maybe I should have just said nothing and dealt with it in the morning. Or maybe I should be ok with him hanging out with her while drunk, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe I used to, but now it seems like the wrong choice for her. When she was a baby, I had a rule that he couldn't hold her on his feet after more than 3 drinks. Now he tries to pick up dd2 no matter how much he has had, insisting he is fine and acts like I am unreasonable for finding it unsafe.I just do not want my daughter (dd1, dd2 is always with me) to grow up around a drunk daddy ( I would be fine if he chose cannabis however, which he does not use) like I did. Am I being unreasonable? I wrote him a few emails so he can read them with a clear head, and sent him many page links about alcoholism. I said if he couldn't or didn't want to stop, that the days he wants to consume more than 2 shots (how much he puts in one mixed drink), 2 beers, or 2 normal sized glasses of wine (he usually has super sized) that I need to be responsible for child. I asked that we have days and times worked out so I can be the responsible one in the room. He was working 50+ hours a week when I moved in, so in the past, I knew when he would be drinking, but he was laid off 4 months ago and now drinks to excess daily. I have tried to just keep dd1 with me, on my schedules, but you know he lets her watch disney, and she is already showing signs of codependency which has as a fact the child will defend the parent and attempt to be with them. I can't explain that part well. But she keeps hanging out with him.
So, long post, but am I being unreasonable?
I should say he is otherwise a very good father. He listens to my parenting and nutrition ideas, though he does not always agree if I feel strongly enough, he will implement them with our daughter. For instance, I decided we should cut out dairy (casein) amongst other things. He has not read the nutritional research and does not agree with my philosophical reasons for doing so (the way they get the milk is to take babies away at birth or soon after and basically steal their birthright (the mother's milk) and then the babies are the veal trade) but still does not give dds milk (she also has chemical reactions to dairy and soy that lead to crying spells) or anything she is not supposed to have. He does still say in front of her that he thinks it is bunk, and eats cheese in front of her still and gluten... the weirdest part is that he left the research on vaccinations totally up to me (back when she was a baby). He read a little bit of the stuff I gathered. But he agrees wholeheartedly that vaccination is damaging. But that was a decision that came when we were married. But other things we totally disagree on. He used to 'do it my way' when we were married, but he doesn't anymore. This is a scene I heard a couple weeks ago. dd1 and he were watching dvds of her CA trip with him and her fave aunt. He told her, "one more video, then we are going to sleep" she had been wound up that day I know. She smacked a video out of his hand for some reason. he turned off the tv and would not let her see the video. punitive measures. She did not get to see the video he had said they would. He had not made it contingent on anything... she cried hysterically in my arms for 35 minutes, hyperventilating, etc. It was just a few days after a soy infraction, so I know that was part of it... but I did not 'go against him' or his decision in front of her. I told her that daddy felt he had a reason to say no more movies and they are his things and he gets to decide about them. We had a healing moment when we all laid down together (baby was asleep in my room) and played the "ABC game" it is a technique I came up with to help dd1 get to sleep. We think of a subject, like animals or veggies and fruits or names... and each of us names one that starts with A, then B, etc....
about the part about employment. Yes I have thought about employment. I tried to get a real job (I had one for minimum wage for a while after my business went bankrupt, but the pay was so low!) here unsuccessfully for a year prior to going to MT for a few months (where I got pregnant with dd2), where I also was unsuccessful in getting a job. I work in the entertainment industry, or did long ago and seems I have been blackballed in this region for not being fun enough or too honest or something. I haven't tried to get a job since dd2 was born though. She still nurses all day long... but I will if it is the only way for our family to make it. But exdh has been looking for a job for a long time (even since before being laid off 4 mo ago), and he has 20 years of experience in his field, and a college degree.... so this just isn't a good area for employment I guess. I want to return to school of course, I am halfway finished with a 4 yr degree, but will likely retake many classes if not all since they are from 1989-1991. I may be able to get a job for a minimal wage at a place that hires a lot of people (a call center). But that would just result in loss of FS and other benefits so as to be a wash, you know? But I would prefer it to govt assistance (I have never been in this position before, and was denied benefits for a long time because i was living with the father of on eof my children, even though we were no longer married, ate separately and dd2 was not his bio child... crazy laws that promote the breakup of families. I could get all kinds of help if I lived with a stranger). As of now, we have been trying to solve everything as a unit and he has wanted me to wait to try hard again to get employment, because he can make more and it is best for me to be with the children. If I did get work, he would keep the girls for me while I work, so I would need him to promise to stay sober while caring for them. If we can both get a job, we will do as we have in the past and work opposite schedules so there is no childcare expenses (so he would need to get a job first and me work around his schedule) . As for lawyers and therapy... I would not use a therapist because they have never been useful in the past for me. I had one from the time I was 13 till 16, then a few others through my 20s. Basically I no longer believe in the field. My worldview is far different than the typical therapist (not to mention one assigned to me once by social services falsified information about me to up their funding, she basically lied about something). For instance, how does an MD react about extended breastfeeding, cosleeping and no schedules.... therapists would analyze my life with that same eye, so to me nothing they could suggest would be valid, since their view is so distorted from what I believe in IMO.... not to mention I am beyond broke. I no longer even own a car... I have all the things I bought before going bankrupt, so I have toys and books for the children and clothes for all of us (though I can't fit back into my size '0' pants again yet... I am stuck in sweats and big girl jeans my sis sent me after dd1 was born). I have no reason to contact a lawyer that I know of, we already have a divorce/ child custody agreement.. but i appreciate you guys reading my long drawn out fleeb (fleeb= a word I made up in college, denoting freak out) I was just so shocked he said "FU" to me and said he hated me and called me a bitch, it is so not expected from him. I was used to that sort of thing from others I dated, but he has never been that way, always respectful....just as I feel I have always been respectful to him.
