Isn't Spirited Normal?

[MommyCat]

Ok I have a very wonderful 27 month old dd. And in the past I have wondered if she might be "spirited" Mostly when I was at my wits end and didnt know where to turn for help.

Then it occured to me that this is how toddlers are SUPPOSED to be.
She is loud, curious, obnoxious, stubborn, opinionated, wont stop, wont take no for an answer, demanding, moody, wild, imaginative, and free.

These are all good things and wouldnt all kids be this way if allowed?
Why are we supposed to train our kids for the convieniece of adults who want them to be quiet and still and break their "spirits".
Am I wrong? Would all kids be this way if allowed?

Why am I constantly being told to get control of my dd? Why Why do I need to control her? I am always being told by someone some comment about how troublesome she is, or how they feel for me ect... But even more often esp by my parents I am admonised for not controlling her and making her mind.

I have noone to turn to for support because they are all like We told you to get cotrol of her a long time ago.
Im not asking for much just to be able to say "shes driving me crazy today!" or whatever.

Anyway am I wrong, am I a bad mom? Or has her spirit not been broken. I feel like I shoulnt have to feel guilty everywhere I go just because my daughter is being a toddler....
Why does everyone hate kids???

[sueami]

oh, mommycat! your daughter is so lucky to have you for a mom...
i wish i could change the culture we live in but i guess it can only happen one parent at a time...
i have often wondered the same thing, whether all children would seem spirited if they were allowed to blossom instead of being pinched back and pruned as much as we do to them in this culture. i think there's probably a great deal of truth to that idea, though i do think tempermentally that there will always be more easygoing vs more intense, more flexible vs more rigid personalities.
have you found TCS yet? you may wish to visit

pub3.ezboard.com/bsageparenting

it's a small community of attachment parents that supports Taking Children Seriously as a childraising philosophy, though only a fraction of the posters there are TSC parents.

you are not alone (just dishearteningly outnumbered! :LOL )
warmly,
susan

[USAmma]

Of course it's normal to have some spirit at that age! :-) The true spirited child is defined in the book Parenting Your Spirited Child and can present some special challenges because normal dicipline and parenting techniques don't always work for them.

Darshani

[MommyCat]

Yes I have read those books and normal discipline DOSENT work for us. And she definantly fits the definitions in the books. *i even have the workbook too) That was my point. I guess I wasnt clear enough.
Everything is a challenge for us.

[EFmom]

Well, I think there is spirited and then there is spirited. I have two kids whose personalities are as different as night and day. I also have 17 nieces and nephews who I've observed growing up. Kids can be quite fundamentally different in temperament.

My older daughter is probably what would be considered spirited around here, although I'm not fond of that term and think extremely strong-willed would be more accurate. Until I found a book that has helped us hugely with her, every single thing was a struggle. I know that if I let her have her own way all the time, we would be in for major trouble in a few years. If she learns to harness her strong will, as we are trying to help her with, it will be an asset to her. Unchecked, it will not be.

My younger daughter has a natural desire to please, that is simply not there with the older daughter. They are very different to parent. She shows her share of toddler behaviors, but she can also take direction in a way that her older sister did not.

[merpk]

There's spirited and then there's ... well, other things.

We'd always considered DS#1 spirited. That was a more polite way of saying "high need." Read the book, it said that was a better way to put it, since "high need" might imply a negative.

And now we are amending that to high need plus a possible situation of sensory integration disorder. Which combines to something that spirited could also cover ...



My only problem with the term "spirited" is my other kids are spirited, joyful children ... without being high need (read: the book's definition of "spirited"). So the word "spirited" doesn't fit for DS#1 anymore.

Did that make sense?

[menudo]

DD (now 7) was as easy going as they come-the 2's were terrific! DS-now 2.5 is the opposite!!!!!!! (Although, he seems to be improving daily!!)

People compared themalot. like something was wrong with DS since DD was so "well behaved". BUT, all my lil cousins are WILD and out of control (yes, meet their parents and you'll see why), so my son was normal to me too! Nothing compared to my cousins!

BE proud and ignore others is my motto!

[candiland]

Yes, in the way you are defining "spirited", spirited is normal.

However, being the mother of a truly high-needs dd, I have a totally different take on the difference between what is "average" behavior for kids and what is, errrr.... truly "spirited."

My dd screamed constantly for the first year of her life. She was never *really* happy. Constantly serious; always upset about something. Never giggly, never "mellow".... we couldn't put her down. Ever. For the first four months of her life we waltzed her around the living room until 4 am. every single morning.:

And she's still like that, 'til this day. She's four. She is not easy to laugh, easy to smile.... she can go hysterical over the drop of a pin.... sometimes I truly wonder if I used more, uh, traditional discipline she'd be different. She is a huge yeller/screamer/temper-tantrumer. But she's also INTENSELY sensitive.

I now have a 2 y.o. ds, and he is "spirited", but in an "average" way, more like what you are defining in your OP. Yes, he's very ornery, he has tantrums, he sometimes throws and bites, he's full of energy..... but he's generally "normal", as far as one can define that in children:

I don’t like the term spirited because to me it is just a nicer term for difficult, or out of control even

We never let her "get away" with negative behaviors. And I do prefer the term "spirited"...... even though spirited children ARE extremely difficult, difficult insinuates a negative trait that needs to be eliminated.

I prefer to use positive words, as words carry energy..... and it's also not good for a child to carry a label and constantly hear herself being called "difficult" and "out of control". She is also extremely bright........ we can show her anything one time, and she picks up on it immediately. She is intent on learning spelling right now, even though we had preferred the Waldorf approach and planned on waiting for that academic stuff...... she has different plans.

She is incredibly driven and can do anything she puts her mind to....... it really is amazing. She is very special, very different....... and I feel that that aspect of being "spirited" is a very positive quality for one to have.

[tabitha]

i know how you feel... i dont get people telling me i should be "in control" of Tristan.(my 19 month old) I see his as just as human as i am and i dont think of him as a pet or anything.

If he "behaves" well, it is because he is "good", or so i am told.

If they see him on a different day, he is a "handful".



he is my son, and he is growing and learning to be the person he was born to be, and i refuse to squash that.

youre a great mama im sure

tabitha

[Greaseball]

She is loud, curious, obnoxious, stubborn, opinionated, wont stop, wont take no for an answer, demanding, moody, wild, imaginative, and free.

My 27-month-old is like this too! But it doesn't concern me, because she's happy. If she were like that and unhappy, then I would be worried.

I think a lot of these behaviors are seen as OK or normal in adults, especially men. Why not OK for children, then?

If I saw a 2-year-old who was usually quiet, didn't care about exploring her environment, compliant, never asked for anything, and just kind of sat there, I would think something was horribly wrong. I've had to call CPS for many of these types of children. Children are not supposed to behave in ways that are convenient for adults; they are supposed to have fun being children!

[LavenderMae]

There is a difference between a child being a child and a child who is "spiritied". I know I have one of each. My "spiritied" daughter was that way from birth and she is amazing but difficult. I think if you truly have a high needs /spiritied (whatever you want to call it) you will know there is a difference.