Setting lines - where would you?

[rachie]

So obviously "gentle" discipline does not mean let kids do whatever they want or ignore negative behavior. But it's tough when they are so little and it's hard to know what good it will do to implement any form of discipline or to just parent them as if they were still babies.

Last night was a new thing for me. Dd is only 21 months - wakes up at night frequently. Usually rocks to sleep or I sit at her bed 'til she's asleep (daddy can sit with her and then tell her good-night and she's OK with him leaving - just not with me leaving if I"m the one putting her down).

Anyways - last night she woke, I put her back to sleep, she woke up again screaming (mad because I wasn't there probably). I picked her up and took her to bed with me (dh already gone to work by then) as we do sometimes - she is usually SO happy to be going to sleep in my bed WITH mommy. BUT... last night she was getting all fussy with me - she pretty much had a tantrum in my bed! She threw her doll's blanket then cried for it. She was yelling at me, screaming at me, being all touchy if I tried to give her a blanket or pretty much anything. Obviously she's TIRED but it didn't mean I should just let her act that way - not to mention we both needed to go back to sleep and this was not helping us.

So.... I took her back to her room and placed her in HER bed (told her she can't be in mommy's bed if she's not going to go night-night and be nice to mommy). Of course she had a HOLY COW about this. I let her cry for about five minutes (while I was pondering what I should do next called dh for advice too) before deciding to: I went back in, picked her up kicking on the floor - changed her diaper and sat in the rocker with her (again). After quite some time she finally dosed off. This morning she came in and got her baby's blanket off the floor (I'm hoping she'll learn NOT to throw her toys so I didn't budge on that one). I wanted to show her that her behavior had a consequence (no mommy's room, no doll's blanket 'til tomorrow) but didn't want to devastate her either - plus she's not even two yet so I have no clue what's actually learn-able and what's just going to happen no matter what I do. Oh - and I caved - I gave her a DIFFERENT little blanket for her doll (she's EXTREMELY attatched to these little cloth wipes that she calls "baints" and uses as blankets for her dolls - she has a hard time sleeping if she's not clutching one or more of them) - it did help her relax and go to sleep - since it's not just a toy but also a source of comfort I gave her one.

[flower01]

There are others on this board that have better answers in regards to development and appropriate expectations, etc.

All I can really say is that tantrums in the middle of the night don't count as "bad" behavior IMO. They happen and I really don't think you can prevent them...and you definitely can't have consequences or punishment for them. Those moments just require extreme patience and doing what you have to do to get through the night calmly.

I remember those episodes being extremely difficult. I'm sure it has something to do with their growing minds.

[rachie]

Yes.

Originally Posted by flower01

There are others on this board that have better answers in regards to development and appropriate expectations, etc.

All I can really say is that tantrums in the middle of the night don't count as "bad" behavior IMO. They happen and I really don't think you can prevent them...and you definitely can't have consequences or punishment for them. Those moments just require extreme patience and doing what you have to do to get through the night calmly.

I remember those episodes being extremely difficult. I'm sure it has something to do with their growing minds.

Yes - I pretty much was just changing the scenery per se last night - trying something different. Not trying to teach her something or punish her - just taking her out of the bed, which obviously wasn't working out for her and trying something else 'til I found what ended up finally calming her. It probably didn't help to take her back to her bed - but I needed a moment to collect myself and figure out what my next plan of action was - plus I wasn't exactly thinking too clear at 3am (32 weeks pregnant). I just wish I automatically knew what to do - but I'm finding that much of parenting is a big experiment and I have to find what works for each child and each situation, KWIM?

So - ya - I think her age/stage is still the "distract", "change direction" stage, huh?

[crowcaw]

I don't know if it's the same thing but one of my dds at 4.5 still has these middle of the night rages. They started when she was around 2. She wakes up screaming and totally out of her head, yelling and making irrational demands. She appears awake but isn't as she doesn't remember anything about it the next day. Once in awhile she seems to wake up and snap out of it and ask for a hug before falling asleep again. The only thing I can do is keep her out of harms way until she goes back to sleep. A few people have told me it happens when they wake up from REM sleep.

[To-Fu]

Originally Posted by flower01

There are others on this board that have better answers in regards to development and appropriate expectations, etc.

All I can really say is that tantrums in the middle of the night don't count as "bad" behavior IMO. They happen and I really don't think you can prevent them...and you definitely can't have consequences or punishment for them. Those moments just require extreme patience and doing what you have to do to get through the night calmly.

I remember those episodes being extremely difficult. I'm sure it has something to do with their growing minds.

This sounds right to me, too.

[JMJ]

I think that nighttime parenting is very different. Children who wake up from sleep are in no position to learn a lesson. They're tired and irrational. So am I if I've just been jarred awake by a screaming toddler. Being as gentle as possible, trying to meet your child's needs so you can all get back to sleep is definately the way to go, and I wouldn't create consequences the next day based on what happens in the middle of the night. If it gets really bad, you might talk about feelings the next day, or she may not even remember it. If at all possible (unless I needed to get away so that I could continue to be gentle... remember, I'm irrational in the middle of the night too), I would stay with my upset toddler to get her calm and back to sleep.

During the day is definitely a better time to set boundaries, but even those can be difficult to figure out. When do you buy another child lock, and when do you teach your child not to play with that? When do you give your child something because she asks for it, and when do you say "no" and mean it? These are hard questions that are very individual for different families.

[lunarlady]

I think you handled the situation very well. From age 2 until age 3 my DD would wake with night terrors. She was honestly just so upset and distraut that nothing would calm her except time. Holding/rocking/singing...didn't help and just ended up with me getting kicked and punched. What did help a little was turning on the lights and a full change of scenery. Like going to the living room rather than a bedroom. She would calm after about 10 or 15 minutes and be ready to go back to bed. We never did any sort of discipline for it (loss of privlages or whatnot) because I honestly think her emotions were raging far beyond her control. But you are the best judge of your DD behavior, and it sounds like you did a great job maintaining your calm in a very stressful situation.

[rachie]

reply

Thanks for all the input everyone. Sometimes I just need a little reassurance when I run into something new as a parent, KWIM?

The last couple nights I've enlisted dh's help to get her back to sleep - for some reason both initial bedtime and back to bed goes much faster and smoother when he helps her (he told me about his detailed routine last night and I may try implementing some of it and seeing if it helps when she's with me too). It's getting too difficult to rock her because of my belly and it hurts when she's pressing into it. It also hurts my back/hips, etc. , to sit by her bed.