Frustrated.....

[jeteaa]

I'm feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and disappointed..... and I'm thinking about putting dd1 in public school (we can't afford any private). dd1 is 5 going on 6 this summer. We hsed K this year, participating in a ps/hs program. dd1 was in one 1 hr class twice a week. She had alot of fun, they read the Treehouse books and did crafts AND we got a stipend that paid for her art class. Besides that, we played outside when the weather was decent and LOTS of play w/ dd2 (3 going on 4) INSIDE.
I firmly believe in the idea of hsing. I like the idea of my dc learning what they are interested in when they are ready to learn it (and hope the basics of academics are learned along the way).
Here are the problems though:
dd1 is LAZY! I have to NAG NAG NAG at her to pick up after herself! She will do a floor puzzle or game etc on the living room floor then when she gets board of it, she just leaves it, and moves on the the next thing. I have been telling her since she was a toddler, that WE ALL put away our toys before we move on to another project. I am SOOO tired of having to almost yell at her EVERY day. We have alot of craft/art supplies. NICE ones too. At her suggestion, we set up the painting station (easel, canvas, oil paints drop cloth.... and she w/o any thought spends no more than 3 minutes on a painting. then she is done. Then its ME spending 15 mintues cleaning it all up. I'm OK w/ cleaning it, I just wish she put more time and effort into the projects. And we are not TV/computer free, but I have always put a limit on TV of about 1 hr mid afternoon when we all need some down time. But EVERY morning she asks to watch TV. When ever she is "board" she asks to watch TV. Luckily she doesn't throw a fit when i say NO, but still, we have many toys, games..... WHY ASK. I feel like I have to get rid of it all together for it to not be a temptation. I told her a month ago about my frustration with these issue and she said "my life is perfect the way it is, I don't want to go to school next year". I said if she will start following our house rule of picking up after yourself and putting more effort into your WORK then you can hs next year. NOPE, it did not stick.
I'm overwhelmed in that I feel like MY day is mostly childcare NOT being an active participant in family learning. I know it has alot to do with their ages. We live north of Seattle WA and we have about 9 months of cool, WET and grey weather. NOT much fun to be outside in. So we spend ALOT of time indoors. I honestly feel that IF we were able to more time outside, things would be alot easier. We have though about moving, but its just no possible.
I guess where I'm at is that I want us to be a hsing family, but right now its really tough. I do think that if they were older (7 and 9??) we could go out more, less "childcare", more independent play and learning. We would be able to take a road trip in the fall/spring and enjoy it. Should I put them in school until that time or weather through this rough period?

[2xy]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

I like the idea of my dc learning what they are interested in when they are ready to learn it (and hope the basics of academics are learned along the way).

Originally Posted by jeteaa

I said if she will start following our house rule of picking up after yourself and putting more effort into your WORK then you can hs next year. NOPE, it did not stick.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated, but I really think the two statements I quoted above are contradictory. Are you wanting a free-learning environment, or are you wanting a "schoolwork" environment?

Originally Posted by jeteaa

I'm overwhelmed in that I feel like MY day is mostly childcare NOT being an active participant in family learning.

I don't think that "five" is some magical age at which time children become small adults, do you? Yes, your day is mostly going to be childcare, because your daughter is still a very little girl. Small kids learn best through play and from role models.

If keeping things picked up is an issue, then I think downsizing is in order. Fewer toys mean fewer messes. Also, if at all possible, I think you should try to find a space where things like paint stations can be set-up permanently. It's likely that while your daughter is waiting for you to get out the art supplies and set everything up, her thoughts wander and she becomes less interested in painting. Children often have short attention spans. Additionally, you wouldn't have to completely break down the whole station for cleanup.

Your daughter sounds like just about every 5yo I've ever known. Normal, not lazy. The more you nag and the more you yell, the more she will tune you out.

[kathymuggle]

Lots going on here - you sound burned out a little, HUG!

I might be a little tough on you in the next few lines, so thick skin on!

Originally Posted by jeteaa

Here are the problems though:
dd1 is LAZY! I have to NAG NAG NAG at her to pick up after herself! She will do a floor puzzle or game etc on the living room floor then when she gets board of it, she just leaves it, and moves on the the next thing. I have been telling her since she was a toddler, that WE ALL put away our toys before we move on to another project. I am SOOO tired of having to almost yell at her EVERY day. We have alot of craft/art supplies. NICE ones too. At her suggestion, we set up the painting station (easel, canvas, oil paints drop cloth.... and she w/o any thought spends no more than 3 minutes on a painting. then she is done. Then its ME spending 15 mintues cleaning it all up. I'm OK w/ cleaning it, I just wish she put more time and effort into the projects.


These are unrealistic expectations.

1. Most 5 year olds do have short attention spans and will burn through craft activities in under 10 minutes. They just do. I say this as someone with 3 kids, but also as someone who has worked with young children. Many of them do crafts very quickly.

2. Lots of 5 year olds do not clean up after themselves. They have to be reminded or need help. I would not call them LAZY for failure to clean up (which is a label I really think you should examine - is that something you really want to ascribe to her???). It is a life skill they have not learned, and while it bites, to be the maid, so to speak, it is what it is until she has a few more years under her belt. You can gently work on cleaning up after herself - but I suspect it is going to take years to amster. Sorry.

That being said, there are a few things you can do to help the situation:

1. Declutter

2. Limit toys/crafts that are too labour intensive for you. I keep moon sand hidden, and have thrown out face paints. Yes, my youngest enjoyed them, but the clean up time was too intense. I haul out moon sand on rare occasions - but it is not an everday craft.

3. There is nothing wrong with doing lots of activities outside of the house. My youngest gets a good amount of her craft fix from Brownies and storytime at the library (and any other opportunity I can find, lol). Someone else does the clean up - or motivates her to clean up, yay!

4. Look hard at whether school would fix this, and if mess is worth looking at school for. My suspision is that school would partly fix the mess (but you would still have from 3:30 on to deal with, plus weekends) but, depending on why you chose HSing in the first place, is not a very good reason to consider schooling.

And we are not TV/computer free, but I have always put a limit on TV of about 1 hr mid afternoon when we all need some down time. But EVERY morning she asks to watch TV. When ever she is "board" she asks to watch TV. Luckily she doesn't throw a fit when i say NO, but still, we have many toys, games..... WHY ASK. I feel like I have to get rid of it all together for it to not be a temptation.

She is asking because it is there and she is not allowed it. Or she is drawn to it. Who knows? It really does not seem like a big deal because she does not get too upset when you say "no" so I am scratching my head a bit as to why you are concerned.

Personally, I am not a fan of having things in the house that kids are not allowed to use when they want. It sets up power struggles. YMMV. If it is driving you insane, you can do any of the following:
1. be very consistant and firm about the TV rules. Do not devaite or give in and she might get the message and stop asking.
2. Move the TV out of sight
3. Move to no TV. Move TV to your room and claim it is ionly for adults
4. Get rid of cable - only rent occasiona vidoes
5. Get rid of TV all together
6. Consider letting her watch as much as she likes. She might not watch as much as you fear once the newness wears off (or she might - but you can deal with it then if it is an issue)



I do think that if they were older (7 and 9??) we could go out more, less "childcare", more independent play and learning. We would be able to take a road trip in the fall/spring and enjoy it.

Well, I do think older kids are less physically intensive, although they still might not cleanup after themselves, and they still might want more TV that you are comfortable with, lol. These really aren't giant issues - and I wonder if you are lacking some alone time, which is making small issues seem big? How are you eating and sleeping? As per road trips - schedule one for Fall - an almost 4 and 6 yr are not too young for road trips!



Should I put them in school until that time or weather through this rough period?

I wouldn't put them in school, unless I was Ok with them staying there permanently. What if they like it? You can't put them in because you are stressed and then take them out because you are not and think they might be easier. Well, you can...I am just not sure that is an OK thing to plan for.


I tend to think there are numerous stages in life where kids are not necessarily "easy" - if we turned to school every time they were difficult - we would be using school as a revolving door which is not fair to anyone. It is better, I think, to try and solve problesm within the context you have chosen for your lifes.

Sorry if I sounded intense, I suspect you really might just be a little burnt out. Anyway to get a mini mom vacation - or a mothers helper in once or twice a week? Something?

Good luck and hang in there!

Kathy

[chaoticzenmom]

You're near me and I suspect you go to the same PP program we just left. One of the reasons we left the resource center is because I did end up feeling like I was missing out on "my" life while we were there. I liked the classes that they took, but sitting in the toddler room while they're out learning...it all felt kind of pointless. That and my driving there, taking classes, driving home, cleaning and whatever we had time for at home. It led to burnout big-time. What I did was to wean myself off of the PP place. I joined a local group and started looking for resources that were not associated with the program. I found soo much stuff. Something about it feels more "real." The parents are more interested in each other, we go and do things all together. It feels more like something we're doing "together" instead of me being on the side-lines wondering where I fit into my day. I didn't realize how stressed out I was until I turned in the paperwork to pull my kids out. I felt like I was floating on air!

I know you said it was because she's lazy, but since that was my experience with the same place, I thought I'd mention it. If it's the artwork that's bothering you, don't bring it out for awhile. I pull ours out only sometimes. I have a shelf with papers, pencils, crayons, etc. Nothing too messy. When they feel like using it, they can and either they put it back or I do, but it doesn't take too long. Your art station sounds like too much work...for you or for her. There's too much variety and messiness. Either you need to make it somewhere permanent where it doesn't matter if it's left out, or you need to put out less supplies with it.

Good luck.
Lisa

[Lillian J]

First of all, from my perspective, she's not much more than a baby at her age. I remember some of my own unfortunate expectations when my now grown son was that age, which were actually relatively few compared to a lot of people I knew, but I just wish I'd had some way to realize how unrealistic they were.

I think this is a good time to start trying to eliminate the idea of laziness when looking at children's behavior - it's something that makes it pretty hard to see what's really going on, which is usually just normal growth patterns. Children that age do have short attention spans, and lots of ups and downs within them. It's a time of rapid change, and the coming years will be full of fluctuations and changes. And it goes by in a flash, as I just mentioned a minute ago in another post about a six year old - it's a shame to have to miss out on any of the joy we can have with young children because of expectations of them behaving like older children or young adults.

How about setting up some more permanent and easily accessible stations for the activities she enjoys, so that she can come and go through them without your having to be so involved in cleaning? Living in a climate that limits outdoor time so much may just call for living with things out and available more than if you lived in a place where they weren't used as much.

Maybe even switch to temperas instead of oils? I paint in oils and acrylics, and I'm pretty fussy about good art materials, but I've found that some really beautiful things can also be done in artist quality tempera - the largest of my paintings hung in my living room is tempera. You must feel like Cinderella before the ball sometimes, having to run around behind her cleaning - but maybe some intense organization with various kinds of containers or organizers could help. And I think Kathy's idea of a mom's helper is a great one! It's going to be awhile before things settle down more, and it sounds as if you need more breaks of your own. I like those ideas about handling the TV too - it seems to me you might be successful in having only videos available, and there are some pretty good ones you could feel okay about her watching.

Best of luck - Lillian

[Lillian J]

By the way, when I saw the subject title, "Frustrated," I chuckled, because I thought it was probably a post having to do with a child around this age! Lillian

[FireWithin]

My DS recently turned 7 and I have to say - what a difference! He is just more mature, has more of an attention span (well maybe not), more willing to clean. He is not an adult and he is still work, but the maturity is greater. Now we are getting more of an attitude and rudeness, but I think that is par for the course for age 7. Just want to say, they do grow and mature and life gets easier (and in some ways not easier) at some point.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

By the way, when I saw the subject title, "Frustrated," I chuckled, because I thought it was probably a post having to do with a child around this age! Lillian

Seriously, are 5yr olds the Rulers of all frustration or what!

OP, I have a now 6yo, and last year he was a LOT like you describe your dd. He's a little better now, but not perfect. I had to do the picking up WITH my ds (and when his toddler brother helped he was sucked in usually) because expecting him to do it on his own was a lost cause.

I agree that you sound burnt out and want to say in the gentlest way possible, that you should relax and go with the flow at this age. She's not even 6, still very young, it WILL get easier over the next year or 2! (just the year from 5-6 has done a LOT for my sanity levels with my son)

I think the idea of a simpler art station is a great idea... set out a tray with the simple cakes of water colours, some oil pastels maybe? and drawing materials & brushes. Much less drama getting set up and put away. Look for other ways to make things easier for yourself like this. I'm also not sure school would help... I think it would bring new aggravations.

Good luck mama!

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by CariOfOz

I think the idea of a simpler art station is a great idea... set out a tray with the simple cakes of water colours, some oil pastels maybe? and drawing materials & brushes. Much less drama getting set up and put away.

You can also have tempera paints all mixed and ready to go in non-spill cups that are sealable.
Lillian

[emilysmama]

Speaking of not using the word lazy as a crutch, but I am really lazy about cleaning after paint.

I have these for my dd:

Crayola Paint Pens

and I have these Elmer Paintbrush Pens

If I feel really nitpicky about cleaning, I spend 30 seconds rinsing the brushes in the sink. Otherwise, I could just put the caps on without rinsing. I took these to a concert, and put a legal pad of paper on the floor (with a couple cloth diaper flats underneath in case dd couldn't keep the brush on the paper), and had dd paint right there on the floor (carpeting, even). There was no mess at all. If there had been a mess, the diapers would have caught them, and I could have taken the diapers home to wash them, but dd didn't even get any paint on the diapers.

Girls of all ages go crazy over these:
Elmers Paint and Stamp Pens These require absolutely no cleanup at all because they don't drip. You just put the cap on. I brought these with a pad of paper to a restaurant to keep bored girls entertained. It's just like bringing markers to the dinner table, but the children get the real sensation of painting.

More expensive than paints and brushes, but if I had to clean up after paint, paint would never get brought out. I'm that lazy.

[LilyGrace]

I don't think the problem would go away with her in school. It would be put off for a few hours, but it would still be there.


You've gotten some really good advice already, but I wanted to add my .02:

-be assertive. State exactly what NEEDS to happen and repeat/redirect as necessary: "The paint needs to be cleaned up". There's no need to yell, add extra words ("I tell you this every time!!), threaten, or do it for her. This is the rule, this is how it goes. Bam. The end.

-give MORE freedom. The tv thing hit home. In your shoes I instituted a visual reminder - a poker chip for each half hour. Child gives up poker chip, timer is set, and they're off. No more chip, no more time. There's no asking for permission because permission is granted. During downtime, if she's already watched tv she can pick something like an audiobook or toy.

-It's been said, but DECLUTTER and ORGANIZE! By that I don't mean get nice neat bins with everything labeled properly, lids on, and stacked. Very few children I know will go to the trouble of a 30 second opening/putting away routine. They need organization that works for them. I used to have stations set up with everything needed for that activity on a tray or in open containers. It meant I had about 6 pairs of scissors, but I knew they were all put in their homes.



And take care of you, mama. Get out, do some mama things.

[Lillian J]

I hadn't thought of it before, but I'm wondering what all is involved in a cleanup there after painting - because children, and even some adults, can be overwhelmed with the just the general idea of "cleanup" unless it's broken down into sequential bits.

A child that age hasn't yet had much experience with this, and this is probably a good time to begin gently introducing how it works, how work can be simplified and organized to get it done painlessly and easily - and being right there by her side in a supportive and cheerful way can make it a whole different experience.

Tackling a project in a strategic way is a life skill that is harder for some to learn - we all have different temperaments and ways of comprehending - it's not necessarily something people are born with. And some people will find it a lot easier by nature than others - but those others may have different very useful skills that come much easier to them than to those who are good organizers.

There's an excellent book that might be very, very helpful for you: The Open Mind: Exploring the 6 Patterns of Natural Intelligence. We had the author speak at one of our state homeschooling conferences in California, and it was absolutely incredible to see her act out different kinds of people reacting to the same task - it was one of the most powerful presentations many of had ever seen. Her point was that none of them was wrong or lazy or spacey or defiant - they're all just different by nature in their perception and need to be able to approach things in the way that works for them, although their ways are often misunderstood and mislabeled.

To "clean up" might not be as easy for a child of that age to digest as something more like this, which would eventually not need so much coaching. Although, as some of us have said, the least setting up and taking down of projects that's necessary, the easier it can be for both of you:

-"Finished? Okay! Well, first, the caps need to be put back on all the paints."
Then
-"Now you can put the paints into the basket and put it on the shelf."
Then
-"That's great! Now it will be easy to wipe up the spills. Here's a sponge, and you'll need to use it to wipe up the paint drips."
Then
-"Okay, you did a good job getting the paint wiped up - now you can put that sponge in the sink (or whatever)."
-Then
-"Nice! Okay, let's pick up the drop cloth and put it away."
-"Super! Finished."

Lillian

[sierramv]

Lillian that is so true! I have a DS(7), DS(3), and DD(20months). When the boys are faced with the enormous task of cleaning up there room there used to be this huge dramatic protest. I CAN'T DO IT! THERE IS TOO MUCH MESS! But I got tired of spending so much time (up to an hour) cleaning up the mess.

I started sitting in with them and doing just what Lillian said. "Okay, everything has it's place so let's just pick up one thing at a time." "E you pick up the soldiers and blocks". "Ryan, you pick up the legos and car". We would go on with this until almost everything was picked up.

There is always some random stuff that I have them put in a bag and I would sort (i.e. stuff that goes elsewhere in the house). Initially this is VERY time consuming because not only did I have to sit in with them, they were a lot slower at it than I was, but now I just tell them each what they have to do (no more than two things at a time or they get overwhelmed) and when they have finished they come ask me what's next.

I always have to remind myself to "move at the speed of my children" and I don't mean physically, because I'd never keep up!!lol! I was were you are when I first pulled my son out of 1rst grade. It does get easier. Good luck!

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by sierramv

Lillian that is so true! I have a DS(7), DS(3), and DD(20months). When the boys are faced with the enormous task of cleaning up there room there used to be this huge dramatic protest. I CAN'T DO IT!

I had the horrifying experience when my son was around 8 of discovering that TWO things at once were more than he could handle. I was taking a bath one night and I called out to him to please go turn on the heat in the living room and get out the book I was going to read to him. He was absolutely beside himself in overwhelm - and this wasn't "work," but something leading up to one of his very favorite pastimes. I kept repeating the two things, "TWO THINGS," I said: "Turn on the heat and get out the book." He finally seemed okay with it, but as he was heading off to the living room, I called out, "Oh! First would you please turn the bedroom light off?" He almost started crying - "OH, NO! NOW YOU REALLY HAVE ME CONFUSED!" He wasn't a dramatic child, and he wasn't a difficult or whiny one - he was just thoroughly overwhelmed. And I was freaked...

I mentioned it to a mom I met at a park day awhile after that, and she said, "Oh, yes - my son has that problem. He's seeing a speech therapist for it." She explained to me that some people just can't process auditory messages that well, and that auditory discrimination in depth (the Lindamood Bell A.D.D. program) works with them to help them do it with the help of kinesthetic aid. It did sound pretty far fetched at the time, but I took him to a speech therapist, he got tested, and we did sign up for the A.D.D. program. I can't honestly say whether it was the answer, but I can say that his spelling took a whole new turn after that, and I don't think he ever had another incident later like the one that night over the heat and the book. i'm not suggesting that many children have that problem at all - I'm sure it's quite a minority - but I'm just saying that we never know what kind of perception or processing situation someone else might be going through, because there are much bigger differences among us than we generally realize. Add to that the fact that children are still growing and developing, and it adds more differences. Lillian

[2xy]

Originally Posted by Lillian J

i'm not suggesting that many children have that problem at all - I'm sure it's quite a minority - but I'm just saying that we never know what kind of perception or processing situation someone else might be going through, because there are much bigger differences among us than we generally realize. Add to that the fact that children are still growing and developing, and it adds more differences. Lillian

I think that's more common than many realize. Maybe not to the degree where someone would get so frustrated they feel like crying, but I know both of my sons were like that as youngsters. I would have to delegate jobs piecemeal. "I forgot" was a constant saying from them.

Also (I think I learned this in developmental psych), it's been said that males have a harder time with multi-tasking, in general.

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Lots going on here - you sound burned out a little, HUG!

I might be a little tough on you in the next few lines, so thick skin on!



Sorry if I sounded intense, I suspect you really might just be a little burnt out. Anyway to get a mini mom vacation - or a mothers helper in once or twice a week? Something?

Good luck and hang in there!

Kathy

I agree..

Op, one other idea is that some kids do better with routines and set schedules. You are at the age of "figuring it out" and trial and error. My son was most satisfied when there was a routine (schedule) and he could see by grades and comparison how he was improving. This was/is not as important to my daughters but my son it was.

There abilities will wax and wain. I use to be able to give my son a list of things to do and he would do it. About 12 I started writing things down and praying he would remember to read the list. He is getting better but we have found puberty is horrible on the memory. My 12 year old is starting to do the same forgetful things. When send our 9 year old along to stores, project because of the 3 she is the only one that will remember -- but we do think this will change when puberty hit.

IMO, some ages 5-6 is a very forgetful stage.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I think that's more common than many realize. Maybe not to the degree where someone would get so frustrated they feel like crying, but I know both of my sons were like that as youngsters. I would have to delegate jobs piecemeal. "I forgot" was a constant saying from them.

Also (I think I learned this in developmental psych), it's been said that males have a harder time with multi-tasking, in general.

I meant to the extent of having auditory discrimination deficiency, though - I know there are many, many children who have a hard time sorting out details of getting a task done or remembering things - but I just doubt whether it's due to an auditory processing problem. On the other hand, I generally don't think in terms of "problems" so much as differences - although in our modern western society, such differences can very much be a problem, of course, unless effective alternative skills are in place. - Lillian

[jeteaa]

OP here. Thank you all for your responses.
For those that suggested keeping a art station set up... the problem with this idea is that we live in a small house, with NO storage. I do the best I can with stacking bins and baskets for all of their toys/supplies. As with most kids this age, they don't stay with the same project/game for too long, and that I understand. But we don;t have room to spread and keep multiple projects/games out at once. Thus the rule of putting one thing away to get another out. Art is done in the kitchen.... there is no way to keep that out. Their room is a HUGE mess. I gave up cleaning/organizing it a few months ago. And i respect it as their space. Yesterday dd1 wanted to move a table in her room. I was thinking finally, she will understand why she needs to keep her room clean. And because it was HER IDEA she organized all the mess. She folded the clothes on the floor and put them in her dresser.... even Martha Stewart would be impressed with her organizing. SO I KNOW she CAN clean up after herself. So when she is being whiny about not wanting to put a game away.... its not that she can;t do it, its that she is being lazy. And I think this rule is in their best interest in that if I let them have multiple things out at once, at some point it will all need to be picked up and then its very overwhelming for them to look at the whole house messy and know they have to get it all picked up. And this ties into my frustration in that with us spending alot of time indoors in the winter/spring/fall (even with getting out often) the house needs to stay semi clean for us to not go crazy, and I refuse to be a maid when I know they can pick up after themselves.

[CariOfOz]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

OP here. Thank you all for your responses.
For those that suggested keeping a art station set up... the problem with this idea is that we live in a small house, with NO storage. I do the best I can with stacking bins and baskets for all of their toys/supplies. As with most kids this age, they don't stay with the same project/game for too long, and that I understand. But we don;t have room to spread and keep multiple projects/games out at once. Thus the rule of putting one thing away to get another out. Art is done in the kitchen.... there is no way to keep that out. Their room is a HUGE mess. I gave up cleaning/organizing it a few months ago. And i respect it as their space. Yesterday dd1 wanted to move a table in her room. I was thinking finally, she

I can totally weigh in on the bolded part .. that was ME growing up, my room was a disaster beyond belief. I look back now & realize taht I just plain had TOO MUCH CRAP. You really could not find my floor, except for a goat path to my bed.. it was ridiculous. BUT if I wanted a girlfriend to stay the night, I would somehow manage to clean it up. (much to my mother's lol) Have you done the declutter thing in there? For me, what helped me break some of the attachment to STUFF, was that my parents got fed up with the fact that my door could barely open at times and put EVERYTHING but bed, bedding, clothing & books in giant trash bags in hte hallway. (I was about 8 I think) Then they let me choose favourites to come back in SLOWLY.. After I had all the things I really enjoyed playing with back in, I never really noticed the other stuffs' absence.

I will NOT lie and say my room was perfect after that.. but it was substantially improved. And I think it really set me on the way to managing the clutter issue in adulthood (VERY little clutter in this house!)

[moominmamma]

Originally Posted by jeteaa

SO I KNOW she CAN clean up after herself.

Still, that doesn't mean she's lazy not to. It means that the task is meaningless to her, or that it's overwhelming, or that her active curious mind has moved on to other stuff and she's tired of the stupid puzzle, or that keeping a tidy living space has not yet been internalized as a value for her, or that she is getting some secondary gain out of being in a power struggle with you over the task.

See, I'm an introvert. I can go to a party and make small talk and joke around and talk to everybody and their brother and I can have a great time. But it takes a whole lot of mental focus and effort to do so, and afterwards I'm exhausted. So I don't like going to parties very often. I tend to go when they're special events full of people I really like spending time with.

I think your dd's ability to tidy things up is probably a lot like my ability to go to parties. We can both do it, but it's hard work and takes a lot out of us, and therefore we're only likely to do so when it's particularly meaningful to us. That does not make either of us lazy. We just have our limitations.

In your dd's case, the limitation is her maturity. It would be an unusual 5 or 6-year-old who could do what you ask and just matter-of-factly tidy up something she's finished with. I think your expectations are a little unrealistic and I really think it would be helpful if you could avoid thinking of her lazy (which invites resentment) and instead framed her as young (which invites empathy).

I'm a parent to four busy creative kids in a very small space. In the winters the warm portion of our house is 900 sq.ft. (the bedroom part of the house is heated only at night) and I have four kids. I know how easily the clutter and mess and lack of co-operation in tidying can wear a mom down. While it's tempting to look to a magic solution like sending the kids to school, or hiring a cleaning lady, or moving to a bigger space or adopting your children out , in my case there was never a single magic solution, there were a hundred or a thousand tiny fixes...

Simplify, declutter, co-operate, hold family meetings to discuss problems and agree on possible solutions, try different paints, try different storage, have tidying parties with loud music and dancing, make games out of putting stuff away, change the language I use to ask for help, change my tone of voice, set a timer, have a routine of tidying after mealtime, have family tea parties during which I focus on appreciating my children and not on the mess, designating one room a no-mess room, keeping a schedule, using a chart, having a weekly messy-project day, amping up my expressions of appreciation, and so on and so on.

Many of these things helped me survive the day to day. And gradually my kids grew up. And life got easier.

Miranda