Hey you! (aka Whatsyourname!)

[sgmom]

Sorry this is so long... I really need some help here (and I need to vent).

I had a baby boy 2 weeks ago, and today is my second day alone with him and my 20 month old daughter (dad went back to work), and I'm seriously losing my mind.

My daughter has always been crazy busy. She's a climber (bookshelves, tables, etc) and will climb up over and onto anything she can to get at something she wants (ie. she'll climb over the couch to get to the end tables -which btw my laptop is on-, and will stand on the computer to either play with the cord on the wall lamp, get a book off the shelf -which btw, has been tucked away where she used to not be able to access it-, and/or climb up the book shelf to get to higher items. Often she'll move something (ie. a chair) to get to higher areas.

She'll take things off the shelves (it's always a book or a toy - she tends to leave my stuff alone), but she will lose interest in minutes, then do it all over again, leaving a huge mess in her path (she used to be pretty good at putting things away, but since her dad's been spending so much time with her to give me a break, she no longer puts things away).

We have a large tree sticker (maybe 2' tall) on our fridge that's a dry erase board, and she's wrecked all the owls that sit on it by peeling them off. The easy solution to this is to remove it. However, we have VERY limited storage, so there's really nowhere else to put stuff where she can't access it.

Before my son was born, she was just as busy, but it was easier to keep her distracted because I didn't have a newborn to take care of. And he, btw, wants to nurse CONSTANTLY, and doesn't like to be put down (he'll often wake up if I put him down), so I'm often one handed, and it's not always possible for me to get up and rush to her when she's getting into something.

Now while this isn't really a problem (it's intensified since he was born, but she really hasn't gotten that much worse - it's just harder on me, is all), the fact that she doesn't listen, is.

I call her name, she does nothing. I call it again, she still does nothing. I tell her to please do something else (and redirect her), and she ignores me completely. And while she's always been a bit like this (selective hearing), it's become much harder on me since I can't stop tending to the baby to go interact with her (which is really the only way to keep her sitting still).

And things like redirecting her off my laptop (and teaching her to ask me to get her something instead of getting it herself), is something I've been doing for MONTHS, yet she still climbs. And worse yet, she will climb (forcefully) right over ME, to get to what she wants.

She doesn't tantrum, but she does do this annoying scream/squeel thing (protesting, I guess) before wandering off to do something else. Then she's happy again (until I have to stop her, that is).

I realize that she's only 20 months old and I shouldn't expect too much from her, but I'm seriously losing it. Yesterday I grabbed her by her arm, and lifted her up and carried her to the other side of the room. I put her down and looked at her and sternly said "ENOUGH, I asked you to stop!". She looked at me with a look like she was about to cry, so naturally I felt really guilty for snapping at her like that, but then she made a funny face (to make me laugh, I'm sure), then laughed at me and ran off to do something else.

She's bored out of her mind, and I'm unable to stimulate her in the way she needs. I would take her out, but she gets HORRIBLY carsick (will throw up blocks from our house) and taking her anywhere often ends up in chasing her around. For whatever reason, she doesn't ever want to sit and play with other kids. Even at playgrounds, she's more interested in running away from the play area to explore all the fun stuff in the grass, than staying inside it.

I do have a couple of friends that have offered to come over to help (BLESS!), but they can't come every day (of course), and I don't have any family here.

ANY advice that you have to offer on how I can deal better with this, would be awesome.

[LynnS6]

You're at a hard stage with 2 little ones.

Two quick thoughts:
Line up as much help as you can for the next few weeks. You need it!

Second, with toddlers, once they have started something, it's very very difficult for them to stop. I realize that you're in a difficult position with a nursing newborn, but that is the reason she's not responding verbally. You might have more success with asking her to stop before she's actually started something, but once she's started an action, it's hard to stop it.

Toddlers are physical learners. That's why she's leaving the trail of destruction. That's why she's not responding to your verbal commands. If you absolutely cannot block off things, then you're going to have to get up and help her physically.

Since she likes to climb, can you move a climber into your living room? We had a little slide in our living room that I could use to redirect my kids to when they were in that stage.

Take deep breaths and remember that if both kids are fed, changed and in one piece at the end of the day you're doing well!

[nextcommercial]

You poor thing! I bet you are wiped out.

The only thing I can think of to make these next few months easier is boxes. Box up almost everything you can live without. (borrow some rubbermaid containers if you can) then stack them up out of the way.

Put some of her things in open boxes or a few laundry baskets and leave them in the room you are in most often.

Toss pillows and couch cushions on the floor in a pile and let her throw herself into them.

Buy a few beach balls for her to play with, and maybe even an inflatable pool for her to throw herself into.

Just try to put everything you don't need away for a while. It seems extreme, but you need to simplify your life right now. She'll outgrow this and give you several months before your new son is in this stage.

http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&key...l_16ogc5wxga_b Rody is expensive, but we couldn't live without Rody. He gets used all day long. He's worth every penny I have spent on him. (we have several)

I have a stepper for myself. (aerobics) and a small trampoline. The little kids will spend a good part of the day climbing all over the step and bouncing on the trampoline in the living room.

Bubble wrap will buy you about 30 minutes of uninterupted time. Maybe so you can feed the baby, and she can jump on the poppers or sit down and try to pop them.

20 months is a hard age. Not old enough to follow directions, but still old enough to level a clean house in 10 minutes.

[happysmileylady]

Subbing, because I am going to be right there with you in 3 months, with a 22 month old and a newborn. In fact, just now, I am trying to get a little rest, so I "locked her up" by setting her in the high chair with some cheese and crackers and sliced peaches.

[Raine822]

I know how you feel (DD1 = 22 m/o DD2 = 3 m/o). DH came up with a great idea for our living room that works well for me(probably will depend on size/shape of a room, though). We had one of those play-yard things with 8 panels that we never used. He placed it across one side of the living room(about 2 feet from the wall) and put the coffee table, bookcase, and TV stand behind it. We also put anything we don't want her to grab behind it.

[sgmom]

It doesn't help matters at all that I have a third degree tear and SPD (which WAS better until today).

We have two play yards connected together downstairs. She will have NONE of being confined (ditto for strollers, high chairs, etc), but regardless of her intollerance for confinement, she can climb over it.

Bubble wrap is boring to her. And dangerous. She takes more pleasure trying to rip off bits of the plastic with her teeth than popping it with her fingers.

I've tried beach balls (we also have 2 exercise/labor balls). They're fun for minutes at most, and only when playing with us.

Pillows/cushions are boring to play with (she'll run over them and move them to gain higher ground, unless she's tired, in which case she'll lay on them and usually fall asleep... which means bed at 10-11 instead of 7-8... even if it's only a 15 minute nap).

It's still too cold for a pool outside, but I can't really see her being interested in that anyway. We do have a playhouse chalet that she loves, but if we're not playing with her, she'll start to wonder away from it.

I've thought about putting some stuff away, but we use most of what's out, and she really doesn't have that many tiys. It's just that what she does have comes with lots of pieces (potato head, blocks, treehouse comes with animals, etc).

We've been looking for something to buy that she can climb in our living room, but we just don't have the space.

I know things will be easier once I'm healed up enough to take her outside more (and play with her), and once the baby sleeps more, but right now my hormones are out of control and I'm finding it hard to handle by myself. It's hard not to feel guilty as well, about not being able to give her what she needs.

But this not listening thing... Are there no suggestions on how I can get her to look at me when I call her? And I know she can hear me because I can practically whisper the words apple or cheese and she off to the fridge... LOL!!

[RoViMama]

She is not intentionally ignore you, she is 20 mo old. But maybe you could do some games to help her listen. I'm not sure how this will sound, but call her name and then give her a tiny reward--apple slice or cheese. Try this as a game and reward her on a consistent basis. It kind of sounds like training a dog but right now I would say what ever works. Take it outside in the back yard. My 4 yr old loves red light green light and we use it instead of stop. I am working on getting my 21 mo to play along.

Take your friends up on the help. Have them bring their kids over and go outside. See if there are any pre teens, mother helpers that can come over and run with her in the morning. Go outside with her and let her explore.

GET A SLING OR WRAP. Yes the baby wants to be held, but your daughter needs you as well, as you know.

We have been looking at installing a climbing wall in our schools for 3-5 yr olds. It would be only a couple feet of the ground but it might satisfy that need. A mini version of this: http://hubpages.com/hub/Build-Your-O...-Climbing-Wall

It sounds like your little girl has some high energy/sensory needs. What gets her to calm down? I might look into a sensory evaluation from an early interventionist maybe to help identify ways to help her focus her energy.

[sgmom]

First off, thank you for all your help.

Originally Posted by RoViMama

It sounds like your little girl has some high energy/sensory needs. What gets her to calm down? I might look into a sensory evaluation from an early interventionist maybe to help identify ways to help her focus her energy.

I don't know if I want to go this far (she's normally a really easy child - she just requires a lot of interaction and mental stimulation). She's definitely not high energy though (as in she doesn't run around or jump all over the place), but she's high sensory for sure. She loves to explore and she's constantly challenging herself, and she loves to figure out how things work. I often just sit back and watch her in amazement as that little hamster in her head damn near runs off it's wheel. The point of this thread is for some help to find out how, in my condition (third degree tear with a needy newborn), can I help her to channel her energy in less, shall I say annoying ways.

As for slings/wraps, we have 2 ring slings, 3 pocket slings (that I rarely use), and 6 wraps. Babywearing is not a problem in this house (we also co-sleep and practice EC, btw - my daughter started at 4 months, and we started with my son on the day he was born). My son practically lives on me (front carries for cuddles when I can relax a bit, and back carries for when I need to do stuff like cook lunch or wash dishes). However, moving around is something I'm still not good at doing. So tossing him on my back and taking her outside to play can only happen for minutes at a time before I need to take a break.

I know she's not intentionally ignoring me, and I also know that part of the reason WHY she's ignoring me is because I'm so boring. I had a really hard second pregnancy and have been unable to take her out and play with her the way she needs, so daddy has been filling that void for several months now. When daddy calls her name, she usually comes running (because she knows that he's calling her over to either play, or ask her for her help with something like doing dishes, or prepping dinner, etc). Unless of course she's consumed in something already. But daddy time is always fun, so she responds much better with him (even if she looks at him then runs away - that's her game, but my point is that she acknowledges him). Mommy time = boring.

But we had a good play yesterday outside in her playhouse, and then she fell asleep! (*shocked face*) She dropped naps several months ago, so any daytime naps we get I consider myself quite lucky. However that also means a late bedtime, but whatever... lol

I did get some extra sleep last night though, and although I'm still exhausted, I'm feeling a little bit less on edge today. Regardless, let's hope that today is an easy day, and more so that the baby SLEEPS (unlike yesterday, where he slept for a total of MAYBE 2 hours, spread out over several mini naps).

It's ALWAYS easier when friends come over, but like I said, that's not always possible during the week (and isn't needed on the weekends). I get a few hours here and there (2-3x, maybe), but that's about it. I'll take what I can get at this point.

[JessBB]

Would you consider a moms' day out a few times a week? The break might do wonders for you.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

You are in THE worst time of having two little ones. I promise it gets better. Really, it will. Hang in there!!!!

I have a very busy active 3 YO DS when DD was born. Probably easier to direct verbally, but sounds like equally busy. What saved my sanity was finding a few places to go out to where he could run/climb and I could sit and nurse. I learned to nurse in public really fast with DD! But it couldn't be the park because he would just run away and that was disaster. I will probably be banned from MDC for saying this, but fast food play areas were my salvation. Seriously, for the price of a basic meal (and totally ignoring all my "good food" intentions), we could stay for 2-3 hours where he could run and jump and climb without getting out of the enclosed space and I could sit at a table, bench or the ground, hold the baby and just watch him. There were also several indoor pay-to-play playgrounds in the area that were set up for exactly this sort of problem. Enclosed monitored space with a snack bar (that sold reasonable stuff) and big comfy nursing chairs for me. Well worth the monthly membership fee for about the first 2 years of DD's life.

If your little one will sling, that helps. Having a second pair of hands and eyes (good friend, young teen, whatever you can find) helps. Playgroups help because other moms can watch older kids play while you hold baby.

I know its really hard to think about getting out right now, but it really helped.

The other thing that really helped was some serious toddler-proofing of at least one room. Take everything out that would be dangerous for her to get. Make it as soft as possible, but also interesting. Gate the door or whatever you need to do. And just camp there. Make it your and her space so you don't have to leave except maybe to use the bathroom.

During this time, don't be afraid to do things that will keep her happy while you hold/care for the baby that you don't want to do forever. You can reduce TV/videos or whatever once you have found your groove and baby has started to be slightly less needy. If a 30 min. TV show gives you the ability to care for your baby and not strangle your toddler, go for it. (OK now I KNOW I'm going to be banned from MDC!) For the next 3-4 weeks, do whatever it takes to take care of the three of you in some moderate sense, but don't worry about the long-term impact or assume that just because you are living on take-out food and TV right now that you will be forever. This is a tough transition and you need to do whatever it takes. As I said at the beginning, it will get better!!!

[quietserena]

I'm in a similar situation myself (3.5, 18 mo, newborn) though it is my eldest thats the most challenging now.

Regarding having a kid look at you at that age, it's just not gonna happen unless you say or have something more interesting than what she is doing now. I had that issue very often when my last one was born. Here's what I did, at least for the time period when I was somewhat incapacitated with post partum recovery and by myself; I'd yell out names of foods she loves to eat which would get her attention on me and when she came over, we'd make and eat said (imaginary) food.

Basically, if I was in the bedroom nursing and she had been quiet in the living room for too long, I'd yell out "Pizza!" or "Ice cream!" whichever it would take to bring her into the bedroom. Then, I'd make a big show of scooping ice cream and pouring sauce and whipped cream and cherry (you get the idea) and then we'd eat it. Don't forget the "Aaaaahh!" after each tasty bite!

At first I felt like I was outright tricking her but we got to play a fun game and whatever dangerous thing she might have been into was stopped. But you can't use it too often or the game becomes boring. We still use it now, and now the game is more elaborate, because she gets jobs (like getting the spoons or pizza cutter).

[sgmom]

Blah. I wrote a reply, but it got lost.

I know it will get better, but it's not so much the (needy) baby that's the problem (nor is it the busy toddler). It's my third degree tear, and SPD. The tear is healing, but the SPD pain was GONE, and is now coming back.

I hate to admit this, but my daughter has watched so much tv over the past 6 or so months (I had a horrible pregnancy) that it doesn't really interest her much anymore unless she's tired (like early mornings or later afternoons). We do a lot of sit down games like coloring, or the ABC game on www.starfall.com (I HIGHLY recommend this, btw), or even youtube. We color, string beads, stack cups... anything I can think of to just make her sit still. But it's a LOT of work, as the game forever changes (short attention span, I guess). And when she gets to be too much, then it becomes snack time. A whole apple usually keeps her sitting still for 15-20 minutes.

Taking her outside also helps a lot, but with her carsickness, we can't go much further than our back yard. It's just too much for me to handle right now. Maybe in another week or so we can start going for short walks. My poor dog will love that (he's been SO bored, but he's handling it really well... such a great dog, he is. )

It's when I stop the interaction to sit on the couch (to rest) that she takes over on her own, and it's hard to stop her when I'm attached at the boob. And when I do stop her and ask her what she needs, she says "THAT!" and points to usually something like a book... But her interest in the book lasts literally a minute before she wants something different, and she's not at ALL interested in stories anymore. All she wants to do is look at the pictures.

So I'm forever getting up to tend to her needs... which is hard on my, uh, "owie". And I still can't sit well (or for long) on hard surfaces (ie. the floor). I need a good sit down game (or something) that will keep her busy for at least an hour... but I feel like I've done everything already.

She's a great kid. It's just that her mind never slows down and she needs almost constant stimulation. She's just busy (and right now, bored).

It IS getting easier, but I wasn't ready (physically) for their dad to go back to work, that's for sure. A friend is coming over today though, so I'll be able to rest. And with a little luck, maybe I'll even get to nap!!

Thank you all for all your help!! It's nice to have e-people to vent to who understand (I moved here a couple years ago and don't know too many people).

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think that any active toddler would probably be frustrated with so much "sit down" time. I hear the barriers to getting her out and running around, but can you find someone (even an older neighborhood child or young teen) who can take her outside and let her run and play for a bit each day? That sounds like it would really help both of you.

If that doesn't work, can you get some sort of indoor toy that allows for bouncing and jumping? Maybe something like these options? I know that none of them are cheap, but maybe it would be worth it?
http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/...egoryId=117472

[Boot]

Just want to give sympathy and say it WILL get better. I think that the best thing would be playdates for your daughter or friends taking her out. Failing that, I would try to get a mothers helper (young teenager) to come round every day for an hour or so to play energetically with her, preferably outside. I know the expense may be prohibitive but think about how much money you will have to pay on therapies if you don't get a chance to heal. I would also ask your husband to move everything none essential and do more childproofing if necessary. One of my friends had to manage without kitchen chairs for months when her daughter was in the climbing phase! If you get a chance, you MUST sleep. Don't do housework or anything else. Live off pizza and sushi if necessary, wear your pajamas all day, etc. You are still very much in the babymoon phase. Soon you will be feeling more yourself, the babe will be nursing less often and the weather will be good. You can take your toddler to a park and you will all enjoy it. For now, just do what you have to to keep healthy.

[sgmom]

We simply don't have the room for anyhing climbing/bouncy inside (although I did consider it for outside). I realize that her boredom is completely my fault, but she really doesn't get as much "sit down time" as it may sound in this thread.

I try to take her outside at least once per hour, for 5-10 minutes at a time (or more if I can handle it). And last weekend her dad built a gate on the patio to block off the stairs, so now she can go out there unattended (I can watch her from inside).

She literally just doesn't stop. I nannied for 16 years before having her, and I've never seen such a busy kid. She's not fast. In fact she moves quite slowly and sits down a lot on her own (always to explore something she took off a shelf). Right now she's sitting in her brother's ducky tub playing with alphabet blocks. I even enrolled her in gymnastics to try to channel her energy somewhat (that's over now, next classes start in aug/sept), and she was a menace! She loved it, but she's just go, go, go.

And now she's done with blocks, so she went to the fridge (there's nothing she wants though), and is now taking things off the table. The table is the worst... If there's something on it, it doesn't matter what, she has to take it off and inspect it.

Her mind is very active, is all. And she does. not. stop.

She's done climbing on the table now... She found a cracker box she wants to rip apart with her teeth. I give that another minute at most.

This must be some sort of Karmic payback.

Yep... done with the box. Is now moving kitchen chairs to gain higher ground. Gotta go! LOL!!!

[sgmom]

PS. I forgot to mention that her dad comes home for lunch every day. He stays for about 45 minutes and makes or brings us lunch (which is a godsend for me). And he always takes a few minutes to play with her before going back to work. She also gets tons of higher energy play after work (often outside). He also takes her with him when he goes out for the shorter trips. She does get out of the house often. Just not every day, and rarely for more than an hour or two at a time (ie. grocery shopping, etc), unless we plan ahead as a family.

This helps. It's from 8-12, then 1-5 when I need the help most. And I don't know anyone who can come on a regular basis.

Edited to add: Her newest thing today seems to be eating her books (which she hasn't done in months). Chewing the pages (all her paper books are out of reach, these are board books), and undressing herself. We EC so I trust her to a point, but if I'm not paying attention, she will pee on the floor. And she's taken to squatting over heating vents.

And just now, she took her naked self over to the computer and started trying to push it off. When I went over to stop her, she went behind me and tried to take the water cooler for a walk (she moved it about a foot and a half before the plug stopped her). When I saw her move it, I turned around to stop her and move it back, and she went behind me (again) to grab the computer (it's an iMac, so it's quite easy to just push right off the table).

Meanwhile, the baby's fussing (he was sleeping so I set him down, but he's waking up), and the dog is barking to go out (a high pitched 'knife in the brain' SHRILL yip - he weighs 60lbs for crying out loud!). But if I let him out, he'll bark to come in - he's just as bored as she is.

GAH!! Mama needs a hug. And a babysitter! LOL!

[Boot]

Try Craigslist. Or ask neighbours/ friends who have teenagers. School's out. There must be tons of teenagers who would be happy to take on a short term, part time job.

I honestly know how you feel. I was there 3 months ago. Time is the only cure, you aren't doing anything wrong. Hang in there!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by sgmom

GAH!! Mama needs a hug. And a babysitter! LOL!

And there is NOTHING wrong with a babysitter (assuming you have the means, I know that not everyone does) on occasion or on a regular basis. If you don't know anyone, it does take longer to find someone "from scratch", but it is certainly do-able. Local college with child development program? Local preschool or daycare? Local church with youth group? Craig's list? Sitter City? Where ever that gymnastics class was? Or even an agency, though those are really pricey and not always as good as you would expect for that kind of money.

[phathui5]

Have you tried posting in your Finding Your Tribe area for people to spend time with and help you with the transition to two kids?

[Pookietooth]

You say you don't have the room for anything bouncy -- what about eliminating some of your current furniture to make room? Sounds drastic but the situation sounds drastic.
I second the suggestion to see if she's got some sensory needs that aren't being met. Early intervention programs would be able to help you there, as would a developmental pediatrician.