I'm still not excited

[annettemarie]

OK, first off-- I feel like an absolutely horrible person for putting this out there, so please don't judge me.

I still don't feel over the moon ecstatically excited about having twins. I'm 15 weeks and I just expected to feel some joy by now. Instead I feel...

* sick-- I am still throwing up at least once a day, and although the all-day nausea has somewhat abated, it still happens a couple times a week

* exhausted-- yesterday I slept until 9:30 and needed another nap by 1.

* out of control-- the sickness and exhaustion make it impossible to do anything. My house is a mess, my kids are lacking structure and routine and discipline and I think my husband is sick of doing it all.

* guilty-- after losing two babies, I feel like I should just shut up and be thankful because I have no right to complain

* scared-- because all these decisions we made on the premise of having one baby seem impossible in the face of two. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing. I know you can do it with two, but I have 4 other kids to take care of as well.

*worried about the older kids-- I don't know how homeschooling is going to work when I have two newborns to juggle.

*sad-- I feel like I am mourning something but I don't know what.

*stupid-- like people are waiting for me to fail.

What I don't feel is happy, excited, joyous. Please tell me that comes soon.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

[lolar2]

I saw this off of new posts and thought of Amy Dacyzcyn. Have you re-read the Tightwad Gazette lately? She had twins as her fifth and sixth children, like you, and she does mention some of the "systems" she and her husband came up with. That kind of stuff is sprinkled here and there amongst the financial advice throughout the books, not in a nice neat little section of its own, but it's there. I don't think they co-slept but she breastfed, and the twins were worn at least occasionally-- there is a bit about her husband keeping one in the cart and one in the backpack while grocery shopping, when they were toddlers. Anyway, if you are looking for any specific, practical advice on dealing with twins as the fifth and sixth children, that's the first place I would think of turning to, even though it would require a little digging.

One thing I do have experience with, is pregnancy after loss(es), and I can tell you I only started to feel excited about DS around his first birthday. I've heard that isn't unheard-of.

[annettemarie]

Thanks! I have the book but haven't read it lately. I'll definitely check it out for those parts. I hadn't remembered her having twins.

[lolar2]

She was pregnant with them for most of the second year of the time the first book covers, but the other two books and the additional material in the "Compleat" version were from after they were born.

[Llyra]

Honestly, I never felt that way-- that totally joyful anticipation. I remember feeling that way with my singletons. But with the twins, it was always mixed with negative feelings. I was glad they were coming, of course, and I knew I would love them with all my heart, but there was a lot of fear, trepidation, worry, discomfort, etc. all like you describe.

I was sick and exhausted and frazzled. DD1 was being neglected. I was terrified that if I didn't feel totally joyful, that I might somehow "jinx" it and something would go wrong, which I KNEW was irrational, but there you go. I was so worried that DD1 was going to continue to be horribly neglected. I couldn't work out how in the world I was going to cope with the demands of two babies. I cried and cried and cried about how I didn't WANT twins, I never ASKED for twins, and I felt so awful about feeling that way, so then I'd cry about THAT.

And no lie-- it was hard. Those first few months were tough. And yeah, we had to make some compromises on our strict AP-natural-parent choices. We juggled sleeping arrangements. We allowed formula supplements for short periods for each twin. DD2 spent probably too much time in a baby swing. We all watched too much TV, and ate way too much junky food.

But yeah, the joy comes. It really does. It just blooms more slowly, and it sneaks up on you, and before you know it, they're crawling around together making the whole family laugh for sheer joy, and you can't imagine life without them. The hard part doesn't last all that long, and soon you find out that there's so much more room in your heart than you ever knew. The essentials of attachment parenting-- being responsive to a child's needs-- can survive even if you're not following the uber-AP-mama checklist. And you're giving them a tremendous gift-- each other. Seriously. When I see what they are to each other, how powerful that relationship is, I can't imagine why I ever wished they could have come one at a time.

Be patient with yourself. 15 weeks is still SO early, and this is a huge life adjustment. Forgive yourself. Try not to feel guilty about not feeling the joy yet. Take care of yourself, and it'll come. I'm sure it will.

[hergrace]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I still don't feel over the moon ecstatically excited about having twins....

What I don't feel is happy, excited, joyous. Please tell me that comes soon.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I have never been excited or joyous about the fact that I have multiples. I love my kids and there are moments of joy that are unbeatable, but I don't see anything inherently joyful about having multiples.

[mama2mygirl]

I don't have twins but saw this in New Posts. I'm definitely looking at it from the outside but maybe that is okay? Because, from the outside, I think you should give yourself a break. You are exhausted from being pregnant with two babies and , of course, you are overwhelmed. It's hard to feel over the moon excited with anticaption when you feel sick and exhausted all the time. It doesn't have anything to do with how much you love your sweet babies or what a great mom you are.
Homeschooling probably will be really hard but I also think that you'll get through it. (I was on bedrest for four straight months while homeschooling my dd1. It was a frightening pregnancy and I almost birthed dd2 at 20 weeks. She was a preemie and it was really, really astonishly hard at times. But we did get through it. )
I will step out now and let the experienced mothers talk.

[Tigerchild]

There is nothing wrong with you if you're not running through flowery fields farting rainbows and unicorns because you're having twins. (And for the rainbow farting club, no, there's nothing wrong with you if you ARE either)

I had my twins after a loss (two if you count the loss before my singleton was born). The thing is, sometimes when you have lived through the precariousness of pregnancy in general, it can make you feel nervous when you are now dealing with something that everyone will tell you is more high risk. Also, I don't know about you but I always find it hard to be sparkly when I have my head in constant proximity to the toilet bowl.

I am sure you will have moments of happiness and joy. I had a horrific pregnancy and had those! You can't overthink what life will be like once they get here--all that does is drive you nuts and won't be accurate anyway. Expect to surprise yourself in what you can do and how you improvise. You know that AP is not a checklist. With twins, you'll know that more than you ever thought you could know. But you probably will be a more compassionate and competant and dare I say confident AP parent as you move through it. (Not right at first perhaps, but if you are open to it you'll get there!)

For me, the true joy always ends up being in watching my boys together. I didn't get to see that really in pregnancy. (though I am not a mystical ecstatic pregnancy person really to begin with, so perhaps that's easier for me not to feel something is wrong if I am not overwhelmed with peace and joy during pregnancy?)

Having twins can be a wild rough ride, but I think it's worth it when you get your kids.

I hope though that if you really want to experience those emotions during pregnancy that you will get at least some of that! You really have only had less than 4 months to get used to the idea. It's understandable that you're still not totally there especially since you are not feeling good! Be gentle with yourself. There's NOTHING wrong with you!!

[lookatreestar]

[annettemarie]

Thanks everyone. It's good to know rainbow farts and unicorns are optional.

Everyone else is just soooooo freaking excited and acting like this is some superhappy event we planned just for them. It's hard not to be able to mirror that sort of excitement back. But I also had a rough couple days. Hopefully things wll look brighter tomorrow.

[voicegrrl]

I always say how grateful I am that I didn't know I was having twins until 23 weeks. I don't know how I would have made it through an entire pregnancy with that knowledge and I only had 1 toddler at the time. Don't beat yourself up, what you're feeling is so normal. Carrying multiples was not my cup of tea. What the heck is so great about being sick for months, having gigantic rroids, getting kicked in every crevice, and being so stretched out you look like a circus side show? But heck, I love em and I'm pretty glad I had them so at some point the warm and fuzzies kicked in, it just might have been after they were potty trained!

I don't know if you have anyone who can help out but it might help you feel a little less overwhelmed. I'm the worst about letting people lend a hand but it really does make a difference.

[MamaChicken]

After the wild, hysterical laughter when I first saw two heartbeats, I spent the next 30 weeks scared and sad. Then I spent a year just surviving. Then I found joy.

And every day I find more joy and love!

[annettemarie]

I hear you on the wild hysterical laughter. Once I finally figured out what was going on-- I was a little slow on the uptake -- I laughed so hard the little wand come out. And then it occurred to me that, in the Bible, when Sarah laughed, it wasn't out of humor or silliness, but sheer panic.

I do know it will be OK. It's just so much more than we bargained for. And when I people say to me "Oh, I always wanted twins" I have a hard time biting back a snarky reply. I do want these twins-- I love them already and I know they're a blessing-- but there's so much uncertainty mixed in with the love.

[queenofchaos]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

I hear you on the wild hysterical laughter. Once I finally figured out what was going on-- I was a little slow on the uptake -- I laughed so hard the little wand come out. And then it occurred to me that, in the Bible, when Sarah laughed, it wasn't out of humor or silliness, but sheer panic.

I do know it will be OK. It's just so much more than we bargained for. And when I people say to me "Oh, I always wanted twins" I have a hard time biting back a snarky reply. I do want these twins-- I love them already and I know they're a blessing-- but there's so much uncertainty mixed in with the love.

Yes, yes and yes! You probably feel overwhelmed and out-to-sea. Once you sort out how you feel and get your bearings, you will do a lot better.
I PM'ed you.

[MamaChicken]

Oh, and I just watched a show on quintuplets... brought on a mini panic attack and then a rush of joy that I am past the overwelmed infant stage. And that there are only two of them!

[Julia'sMom]

Yeah, I never had that overwhelming joy either. A lot of it was from dealing with a pregnancy after a loss. Early on, I was terrified of losing the babies. When that fear started to dwindle, then I became terrified of the prospect of twins. We actually never officially announced the pregnancy since I had such a hard time generating the "expected joy". I love my babies like crazy, but it wasn't the blissful pregnancy I would have liked.

[Tigerchild]

Keep in mind that many of the people squeeeing about how they Always Wanted Twins...don't have them. And some of the most annoying oohing and ahhing will come from other mothers of twins such as myself, who are brain damaged from sleep deprivation that first year and whose memories often have kind of overwritten some of the bad so we only truly remember what it was like to cuddle two little squirmy beans and not so much how UNfun it was to discover that onion-tinged breastmilk was going to give them the upchucks and rocket diarrhea AND farts that could clear a room full of olfactory-challenged skunks for two days when you had to make a 5 hour car trip. And it sounds like the rainbow-hued flatulents around you don't have twins either. It is a hell of a lot more fun when someone ELSE is pregnant with twins. I greatly enjoyed my two friends' twin pregnancies after my own. I was good and farted rainbows at them but told them to feel free to kick my butt if they needed to.

[lolar2]

I wonder if some of them would actually feel the same as you, if they were pregnant with twins, but are trying to be polite. You could tell yourself that anyway.

[DoomaYula]

Get used to hearing how LUCKY you are, and how everyone WISHES THEY HAD TWINS -- and all kinds of personal questions. On good days, I would smile and nod and answer stupid questions. On bad days, I would snort and roll my eyes.

[Intertwined]

Twins are AWESOME!!!!!!! Mine just did "Pooping on the Floor" in tandem. WAAAHOOOO!!!! Sometimes when people give me the "I've always wanted twins" crap I want to offer to send them home with my two year olds.

In all seriousness, my twins were #5&6 so I'd be happy to talk with you more through PM or email if you want. I was also homeschooling. Some things had to bite the dust. I wasn't/am not overly thrilled with what had to go but I stuck out the more important details. I breast fed, I wore them frequently, I co-slept. I even avoid beating them on a daily basis these days.

I didn't find out about my set until I was 20 weeks. It was like whiplash all over again as I'd JUST come to peace about an unexpected fifth child. I spent weeks vacillating between horrified and delighted. I was terrified about my relationship with my then youngest. She's very high needs and was only 8 months old when I got pregnant. Many of the things I was worried about worked themselves out-she loves her brother and sister so very much. It was pretty rough there for about a year and I do feel like she's gotten shorted on my attention but honestly, that's not necessarily a BAD thing for her to learn to share and be giving. And she's uberclose to her older siblings, too.

Gotta be flexible and take it as it comes. I LOVE my babies. I delight in their crazy two year old antics. There has definitely been PLENTY of joy.