I felt mostly fear and dread my entire pregnancy...very little joy I am sorry to say. I too felt a sense of mourning for the loss of my dream life with a family of four...dh, ds, new baby and me. Two babies did not fit into my plan. I felt annoyed at my body for allowing two babies and the babies for both hanging on in there. My heart goes out to you right now...it's a scary place to be. I only have one other child so it's way different for me but I will tell you this, my son (4y/o) is awesome with them and helps me way more than I could have expected. When your duo come, it will be rough but you will get right into the swing of things just as you did with the other four. People ask me all the time how I manage with twins...I just do because I do, no other choice. I don't know any different now, don't know what it would be like to have them one at a time. I can't explain how I feel but it just is what it is, it's just my family, my kids. It's tough but you already know what tough is with four kids I would guess.
We do cosleep, bf, cloth diaper and babywear. The first months were easier in some ways because I could wear both in a moby, now, not so much
Naps are hard because we don't seem to make babies that sleep easily by themselves and we don't CIO so alot of naps are spent on the couch nursing. DS finds other ways to entertain himself and adjusted very well. If I could go back and change one thing, I would not have spent my pregnancy fearful and in dread because it didn't change the outcome at all. My grandma always says, "honey, don't go borrowin trouble" and it's great advice. Worry won't change anything. I don't think I could have gone all crazy joyfull but neutral would have been nice
Everyone around me was so excited for us but who in their right mind wants two infants??? Seriously. I think they wouldn't have been so excited if it had been them. What you are feeling is normal, normal, normal.
Hugs to you mama.