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I'm still not excited - Page 3

post #41 of 61
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Llyra View Post
My favorite comment of all time was the woman who asked me, very nicely, "Are they twins?" to which I replied, "yes." Then she asked, "Are you SURE?" And I was floored-- um, I was THERE! I WATCHED them come out. I don't see how I could possibly be mistaken.
LOL! I don't know... for five golden minutes I had managed to convince myself there had been some sort of mix up with the ultrasound images, until I realized I had shoved the little camera wand up there myself.

I'm also getting a lot of weird theology/popular piety thrown at me, and I'm just not in the mood. I don't want to hear how God never gives us more than we can handle or how this is some sort of divine payback for the two babies we lost.

Maybe it's just the hormones. Everyone and everything is making me angry and/or sad lately.
post #42 of 61
I don't have twins, but I do have four children and know that I would feel exactly like you do if I found myself pregnant with twins at this point. My mother had twins as #6 and 7 (I was 13 at the time - I'm #2) and I remember how stressful it was for her. Don't be too hard on yourself.
post #43 of 61
Thread Starter 
And you know, just to be fair, I also have moments like this-- I fell today and have been having some Braxton Hicks and was altogether freaked out that I had lost the babies and it was some kind of punishment for not being grateful enough. And I got out my doppler and found both their little heartbeats and found myself just... I don't know, breathing along with the beats of their hearts, talking to them and telling them how much I love them, and how thankful I am they're inside me. And bawling. Always with the bawling. So it's not that I am incapable of loving of them.

I do think a huge part of this is the "everyone else" aspect of the whole thing. Everyone else telling me how to feel, everyone else offering up stupid platitudes, everyone else asking silly questions, everyone else telling em what I can and can't do. I've never been one to accept people telling me what to do.

And again, thank you for giving me this space. The hormones, they are fierce and my moods are just swinging away and my anxiety is through the roof. Talking it through helps.
post #44 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
And you know, just to be fair, I also have moments like this-- I fell today and have been having some Braxton Hicks and was altogether freaked out that I had lost the babies and it was some kind of punishment for not being grateful enough. And I got out my doppler and found both their little heartbeats and found myself just... I don't know, breathing along with the beats of their hearts, talking to them and telling them how much I love them, and how thankful I am they're inside me. And bawling. Always with the bawling. So it's not that I am incapable of loving of them.
Hang on to those loving moments. Those are what will get you through the tough parts of the ride.

Reading your post, I am reminded of a trip I took when the triplets were 6 months old. I had been in shock since 3 months into the pregnancy, and didn't feel that I had bonded with the babies. We had a complete failure to bf and I had just given up pumping for them and was feeling like the most horrible mother on the planet for not being able to provide them with a year's supply of bm. My mother and sister-in-law came to be with my husband and sent me away for a weekend because I needed some time to care for myself. I got on the plane in shock that I was on my own. Sitting there, I had an image of each baby in turn doing something that only that baby did and my whole body relaxed. I realized that despite my worries and the challenges, I had managed to see each of the babies for who they were and fall in love with *that* child. My sleep on the plane after that moment was the best sleep I had had in a year.

post #45 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I do think a huge part of this is the "everyone else" aspect of the whole thing. Everyone else telling me how to feel, everyone else offering up stupid platitudes, everyone else asking silly questions, everyone else telling em what I can and can't do. I've never been one to accept people telling me what to do.

And again, thank you for giving me this space. The hormones, they are fierce and my moods are just swinging away and my anxiety is through the roof. Talking it through helps.
More babies = more pregnancy hormones; I think this made my multiple pregnancy a LOT more difficult mentally and emotionally. The fact that I was having twins was a total shock to me; it was not something I looked forward to and not something that I thought I could handle with a 5 year-old, a 2 year-old, and a WOH job. I never would have chosen to have twins as babies #3 & 4. Heck, I never would have chosen to have a 4th child and was on the fence about having 3. So, my point is that I would not have been pleased about it regardless of hormones, but I think my mindset was exacerbated by the increased level of pg hormones. If you research, you will find that prenatal depression is more common in twin pregnancies. While some of this can be attributed to anxiety brought about by the obvious fact that having twins is going to be difficult, I think a lot of it can be attributed to increased levels of pregnancy hormones, too. As far as what "everyone else" thinks, most of the people giving advice (my mother immediately comes to mind) have never had twins and have never been in your situation. The first couple months after the twins' arrival was really hard, but now that they are almost 5 months, it has gotten a lot easier. I'm still somewhat shocked that this is now "my life," though.
post #46 of 61
When I was in high school and college, I happened to be friends with several sets of twins (and/ or one person or another who had a twin at another college) by coincidence. They all said got a lot of ridiculous comments headed their way, so perhaps if you hang on another 14 years or so, the comments you're getting will devolve onto your twins themselves, and then you will get a bit of a break.
post #47 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnquia View Post
"Were they concieved with fertility drugs?" (Or any question related to this)... i will tell them only if they share how their kids were concieved.
Would it be appropriate to answer this question with "No. They were conceived with a condom. Nothing's 100%, y'all."

Actually, thank you for this thread. I'm still in shock and not happy (my ultrasound was 2 days ago at 12 weeks) but reading this helps.
post #48 of 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by hergrace View Post
I love my kids and there are moments of joy that are unbeatable, but I don't see anything inherently joyful about having multiples.
yep.

Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
I do know it will be OK. It's just so much more than we bargained for. And when I people say to me "Oh, I always wanted twins" I have a hard time biting back a snarky reply.
yep.

and yep to soooo many of the comments here. i've been laughing out loud literally and that feels so good

it STILL bugs me when ppl say how much they want twins. i want to roll my eyes really. but as much as i would hate to have another set, i'd love it. so it can;t be all bad!! but it is hard.

and btw, we home school and it's just been a lot of unschooling with some basics crammed in to make me feel better they've learnt lots about babies!! and the older ones have fantastic relationships with the twins that wouldn;t be possible if they weren;t all together so much. one of my nicest memories will be older brothers (9 and 10) always coming into our room in the morning (we still co sleep with twins at 20 months. i'm just about ready to do something about that ) and the twins getting excited and reaching up to them to be walked around the house/garden for 10 mins whilst i get a brief respite. the joy on those baby faces to see their siblings is immeasurable. not to mention that they now cuddle each other (never mind ds won't let go of dd and she shrieks to let us know she's had enough!!)

it is magical and hard. more hard than magical. but the magical bits are so much more intensely wonderful that they make the hard bits survivable
post #49 of 61
We did IVF so we knew multiples would be a huge possibility. I had a 2 year old son from my first marriage, but DH and I were not married until he was 21 months so he skipped the pregnancy/ postpartum phase. I only mention this to illustrate that DH was coming in "blind".

When they did the u/s they counted. DH burst into tears. So did I. He shrieked in amazement. So did I. To this day he stills thinks we were having the same reaction.

My clearest memory from those first few months was sitting in the interior waiting room between seeing the u/s and seeing the OB. DH was like a labrador puppy. He was literally bouncing, giggling, telling HOW MUCH FUN this was going to be, etc etc. I remember thinking "This man is insane. He is insane and delusional and now I am going to have to have two babies with a man who is insane and delusional" and then crying again.

So yes, your feelings were normal. By 24 weeks or so the terror had subsided and had been replaced with normal baby excitement. Then it went away again when it was replaced with "OMG I am so uncomfortable I want to sleep til they are born" feelings.

Personally, I think the attitude difference between DH and I is very telling. DH saw two chubby sleeping babies and matching outfits and sweet little girls sitting on his lap. I saw the other side. As a fellow MoM, I think its normal to have a sense of apprehension, because like you said you have four other kids to take care of!! But really, its going to be fine. You will be wonderful and you will love it, despite your normal feelings right now.
post #50 of 61
Annettemarie, thanks for being brave enough to type what I couldn't. I'm 21 weeks with twin boys (babies 5 & 6) and until yesterday I was depressed, scared to death, and dreading their arrival. Finding out the gender yesterday helped me quite a bit - now that we are using their names I am able to think of them as my babies. Before that they were simply the creatures that were turning my life upside down.
post #51 of 61

No right way to feel about twins...

I have twin 3 year olds... and it wasn't love at first ultrasound... I was sick, and tired(I had 2 small children at home), and was not excited at all about twins. It took a long time to bond with them, and I often felt guilty for not be over the moon about having twins. They are three now and we are fine as a family. I love my boys, but it took a long time to get to that happy place. Give yourself a break, a twin pregnancy is hard work, and you have other kids to worry about too.. The feelings will work themselves out....
post #52 of 61
Thread Starter 
You all are wonderful. I'll admit, I still keep waiting for someone to come on here and flame me for being heartless and ungrateful. I will say that, as annoying as everyone else's relentless cheerfulness is-- I still think they'd be singing a different tune if they were the ones who looked full-term at 18 weeks, LOL!-- it is serving the purpose of starting to convince me that maybe God knew what he was doing when He sent these babies to our family after all.
post #53 of 61
I just wanted to add to the choir of voices saying it is SO normal! And I'm so glad to see you wrote about this, as I also felt guilty for not being over-the-moon re: having twins.

I had told my husband during the pregnancy that I was never doing fertility drugs again, and if we were going to have another baby miracle, it would have to be a non-drug miracle. He asked me again recently, and said, "It wasn't so bad. It's not so bad." I looked at him like he was nuts!! I told him I love my babies, but this twin thing IS hard, and the number one reason I don't want to do drugs again is I don't want to take the risk of having twins again.

To be clear, and I know ALL of you know this - I love my twins to death, I couldn't imagine life without either of them now, and I'm so, so, so happy to have them.

That said, I would have preferred to have them one at a time... !

I got pregnant with my twins after three losses and 7 years of infertility. I should have been BEYOND excited. And I also did the laughing during the ultrasound. But it was a laughter of "Oh my G-d!" and "OH MY G-D!!!" I was so scared.

The pregnancy was the hardest pregnancy I ever had. I was sick all the way through, EXHAUSTED, sleeping all the time. I hardly moved, was on a sort of modified bed rest, could do nothing. I cried. A lot.

Then, I had a breech baby A, and an umbilical cord issue with baby B, had to have a planned C-section at 37 weeks - so far from my wished for natural birth, which I had with my second son. The hospital stay was a nightmare for me. I was used to rooming in with my babies, and couldn't because they were being monitored, and I cried ALL THE TIME. I know I had it much better than moms who have real premies... but I still cried, it still was hard for me.

It took a month and a half of pumping and drugs to get breastfeeding going... and yes, I cried about that too. A lot. We gave formula, first to supplement and then to allow me three hours of straight sleep once in awhile. Before the twins, I never used a bottle. I had to ask the nurses in the hospital how do you do this?! I think I cried every day the first two months.

HOWEVER... now, the twins are five and a half months. I still take dom. and fenugreek, but I don't have to pump anymore. Things are hard sometimes, but we have a beautiful breastfeeding relationship - exclusive, no bottles. I don't even know if my babies would take a bottle now! I can't answer their cries ASAP, but I've learned to not see myself as worst-mother-of-the-year when then happens. I use a baby carrier, but not as often as I did with the older boys. But that's ok.

We co-sleep, we have since the day I took them home from the hospital at 5 days old. I love having them next to me.

We homeschool, too. And we took off the first three months for baby concentration. We are back to homeschooling now, but we are not doing it as intensely as before. But it's ok, we are slowly finding a new groove. My kids are not suffering from it at all. We're doing more unschooling these days, you could say, lol.

I can say that at around four months, a month and a half ago, I could say I was very happy about my twins. Before that, it was happiness mixed with a lot of fear, sadness, and panic. It gets better, every day... ! It does! But please don't beat yourself up for feeling less than enthusiastic. People who have never had twins just don't understand.
post #54 of 61
really, if you were right here i really would hug you and it would not bother me if you found that totally weird. actually, i met a mother of twins whose were a year older than me. we saw each other, noticed each others twins, said, "twins?", "yes!" and we embraced. TOTAL strangers. however it made perfect sense. ha ha. that is one of the beautiful things about twins. you have this instant bond with other MOMs. it's beautiful really.

I hope your sickness has wound down. i am so sorry. it really is hard to do ANYTHING when you are feeling that way.

i can speak a little on the HSing tip. mind you, mine are younger than yours, so it was a little different setup that you will have when your babies arrive. we just striped down to the core subjects when the boys were little. i spent a LOT of time reading to children with the twins tandem nursing on the EZ-to-nurse pillow. actually, it was a huge learning experience for me , and honestly, that whole time period helped me to be a better mother/educator to my children. it wasn't what i wanted (I wanted things to go MY way! ha ha!), but it forced me to look at teaching them in a whole new way, which we all enjoyed better anyways.

Even though it is hard and exhausting raising two little ones at once, there are some serious fruits. There are the obvious joys of seeing them being twins - all the funny, sweet, amazing moments, but also the fact that is such a HUGE learning experience. Like a "personal holiness bootcamp"!

I'll be praying for you and here is another person to tell you to go easy on yourself.

......i am still laughing about the rainbows and unicorns....... you ladies are funny!
post #55 of 61
Quote:
Also, on the "stupid questions" front. People will not stop asking me if twins run in my family. I started answering "No. It's just a hazard of the elderly having sex." But my Pastor Hubby was scandalized, so now I just say "They do now."
I read this to my hubby and he's still laughing. Thanks for the laugh, mama!
post #56 of 61
thank you all for the wonderful posts. I feel so grateful to have found you all. I just found out on Thurs at 21 weeks that I've got 2, not one in the belly. First thought: I will be swallowed up by motherhood. It's all over for me. Second thought: Bye-bye homebirth.

When I got home (still crying, havinn not stopped since the moment I saw the images ont he US) and told dh, he was so excited and was angry at me for being sad, scared, confused, etc etc etc and told me to stop thinking about myself.

After a few days, I'm at least not crying constantly, and I am putting that energy into trying to find a care provider who will support a vag birth of twins. But excited? Not so much. And my 3.5 yo son has a bit of a zombie for a mom which tears my heart out. I t is just so hard to be present with him when I am freaking out inside. Thanks all for sharing your wisdom.

Carolyn
post #57 of 61
I didn't read all of the replies, but I did want to say I'm feeling the same way. We hired a nanny for my other 3 kids because I am a WAHM and I needed someone to watch them. I barely get my work done each day and go take a nap before she gets home with my kids. I haven't cleaned in ages, laundry is backed up to the wazoo...and I'm nauseated, tired, irritable, and just not feeling like a good mom.

I totally understand how you're feeling. I know it will get better and I think the big change was when I actually told the family to stop acting like it's a big deal and to back off with the "overjoyous" celebrations and to understand how I'M feeling, it helped. I feel completely out of control, out of my mind and I would love for my family to understand how OVERWHELMED I feel.

And so stating that, nicely, seemed to help a lot...and instead of non-stop talking about how great it's going to be with twins, they come over and clean, help with dinner and dishes and everything else. I do feel better, now, because I feel like I have support. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you start feeling better, too. I think once the negatives start to melt away and the positives increase, you'll feel better. And, if you don't...that's just as ok. You have a lot on your plate. : : : :
post #58 of 61
This isn't a reply to the original OP, but some of these posts are making me a little sad. Is it really "stupid and ignorant" to tell a woman pregnant with twins that "i've always wanted twins." Really? Because it's true in my case.


I'm sure multiple pregnancies are hard, and by saying "i want twins" I don't really see how that is somehow negative to the person pregnant with twins. It's not saying "it looks so easy" or anything like that....it's just the truth (I am pregnant now and was hoping it was twins).

Now for the OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable or a bad mother or what have you. You are TIRED. and that will change how you feel about everything! I'm pregnant with 1 and have 1 ds and I'M EXHAUSTED. I lay around, my house is a mess, etc. We are all in this together

Now i'm busy feeling all bummed that by sharing anything about my desire to have twins to anyone pregnant with twins or have had twins now thinks i'm an ignorant stupid person. Oh and i usually do mention my dad is a twin, but i guess that is annoying to everyone too
post #59 of 61
I think it would depend on how it is said. I mean, if I'm feeling miserable and all...and someone says, "Well, you should be happy...I mean, I wanted twins..." well, I would probably end the convo and walk away. I know I will love the babies when they are born, but honestly? I have an 8, 3 1/2, and 2 year old already. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of adding 2 newborns to the mix. Will I make it work? Definitely...it doesn't reduce that overwhelmed/daunting feeling.

My dad was a twin, as well, hollytheteacher...I have 3 kids and know how hard it is to do stuff with the 3 of them (all singles)...it's just overwhelming to think of going through it all again, with 2, at the same time.

Add to that...I've never been as tired or nauseated with any of my other pregnancies as I am with this one...grumpy, etc. I think what the OP needs is for someone to understand that and let her vent without guilt tripping or anything of the like.
post #60 of 61
I don't have twins but I have been overwhelmed just being pregnant with one so I don't think there's anything at all abnormal about feeling the way you do. In fact, sometimes I think it's better to discuss anxieties and worries about having a new baby or babies ahead of time....i think a lot of times moms get so depressed is because they keep negative thoughts to themselves and feel guilty like no one else has them. It doesn't mean you don't love your babies, just that you are worried about handling the responsibilty....I would be more concerned about a mother who didn't think there would be any hard days...talk about setting yourself up for failure. Anyway, as I said, I don't have twins and the other moms have given you great advice. I just don't want you to be so hard on yourself. and although Mothering magazine is the greatest, there's another one specifically for Twins you might enjoy. www.twinsmagazine.com
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