Regretting financial decisions...

[applecider]

So, back when the ol' housing market was at it's peak, we went ahead and bought a house...NO MONEY DOWN...in a place we did not want to stay in forever. Now I've been beating myself up about this for awhile but today I was looking at houses for sale in more desirable locations and I just feel sick that we did what we did. We are probably a good $50 - $60k upside down in our mortgage. We could have afforded something nice in a great location now. What we bought was a fixer upper that we have put money into that still needs work. I just feel crushed.

I guess my question is (and I realize this doesn't necessarily belong in this forum) is how in the world do I get over this? I feel like such an idiot that I ignored all financial common sense and bought a house with no money down but with the rate the market was going I thought we'd never be able save up money and buy. Plus I feel like my partner kind of talked me into it and now he won't even discuss it with me. I feel like I want him to agree that we made a mistake and he just says, we did what we did, can't change it, no use talking about it (I'm a talker, he is not, could you tell?)

I just can't stop thinking about this! I know money is just money and it does not equal a happy life but I can't help thinking about what a better spot we'd be in if we hadn't not been so impatient.

[chely7425]

I don't really have any advice but I feel your pain, though probably on a slightly smaller scale. At the end of January we bought a new car (2010 Jeep Liberty) and then like TWO weeks later found out we were pregnant again... and 3 car seats don't fit across the back. Now we have to use DH's whole bonus this summer to trade in a car we are probably around 9K upside down instead of paying off debt... I am totally kicking myself for not just GETTING a van in the first place. Sucks but I have just been trying to move on, since I can't change it.

[EFmom]

I don't know--what usually helps you move on from something? Talking it out with a friend, meditating, therapy?

It stinks, but what are you going to do? Lots of people did dumb things with credit and home purchases. At least it seems like you can afford the house payments, even though the house is less than ideal. If it were me, I'd just try to look at the positives of the house and try to ride it out. If you can stay where you are, over time the house may gain back its value.

Your partner is probaby feeling really dumb for having talked you into this and he knows he did a stupid thing. To some degree, I tend to be like him. Once a mistake or problem has been acknowledged, to continue ruminating on it seems like nothing but self-flaggelation to me. If there are constructive steps that can be reasonably taken to fix the problem, fine, but if not, I don't want to dwell on it.

[thriftyqueen]

The first step is to stop looking at what is on the market right now. The grass is always greener on the other side. If you continue to look at what you could have had, you will always be miserable with what you have now.

The next step is to think about what you like about your current house (you must have liked some things about it to buy it in the first place) and try to accentuate those things. Do some painting (very cheap to do) and some decorating, organizing, etc. that will make you feel better about your space. You can make any space workable and nice with some elbow grease, paint, and love.

The main key is to become oblivious to what is on the market now and you just plainly have to stop thinking about how upside down you are. The market will turn around at some point and you will be able to buy a house that you have been dreaming about, until then, enjoy what you have now and make it the best you possibly can make it for you. When you get to the point of selling and buying something else, you can feel good that you loved your house and are leaving it in a better state than you found it.

[sunnysandiegan]

Bloom where you are planted, Girl.

[carlye828]

I agree with what the other ladies said. Stop house hunting.

Keep in mind that the housing market always has fluctuations but it is continually rising. The recent rise and sub-sequential fall in property values was a very extreme fluctuation and it is unlikely that property values will skyrocket again that drastically for many years but keep in mind they will go up. If you can pay your current mortgage, you're doing good. When it comes to property, you can always make a profit. It's just a matter of how long you are willing to hold onto it. I'm assuming you've had your home for a couple years. It would not hurt to give your mortgage company a call and ask them about lowering your interest rate. If you scratch around you may be able to find a program to at least save you a bit of money each month.

Something else to keep in mind; if you can afford it, send extra money towards your principle each month. An extra $50 or $100 a month will take YEARS off of your loan. Just make sure you specify that it go towards your principle & not escrow or interest. This will also put you in a much better position when you do go to sell.

One more thing for ya. I have had some really rough times. What helps me get through is knowing that everything that goes on in my life makes me a wiser and stronger person. Look for the positive side of things.

[BetsyS]

We're in a similar boat. We bought at the peak of the market, in 2005. Houses near us are going for about $80,000 less than what we owe (and we owe $180,000, so that's a huge chunk of the value). Even with the best estimates, it'll probably take 20 years to regain that value, you know?

We bought on a 5 year ARM, because we were SURE that we'd want to move within 5 years. And we do want to move. But, we're stuck.

The difference is our ARM. We can pay our mortgage now, but we're not sure if we'll be able to pay it when it resets in October. In the last 5 years, my dh has had significant reduction in his salary (he works in building materials), so that makes a difference, too. And, no, we stupidly, did not see this bubble coming. At all.

I don't know. I find it really hard to get over it. We think about it and talk about it frequently. We've somewhat accepted it, and it still comes up in conversation at least once a week. Hopefully someone else will have good advice on how to reconcile the bad decisions in your mind. Cause I'm at a loss.

[lyterae]

Originally Posted by sunnysandiegan

Bloom where you are planted, Girl.

I very much agree with this, but it is HARD. I think a lot of how things could be... I'm trying to focus instead on how things are right now and the positives. I.E : We have a very nice yard, we get to enjoy a nice ride together for quiet time on most weekdays,etc..

OP - I very much know where you are coming from. We bought a house almost 3 years ago, before the housing market collapsed in our area. We have no equity in our house now and we commute about 70 miles (roundtrip) daily.

We have decided to make it work where we are, and we'll revisit the situation in a few years when the housing market has started to recover. It's hard and I completely understand that, housing near work is now affordable (previously it wasn't). However, we are no longer in the position to buy a house. We are working hard at being debt free and once we have equity in the house and hopefully a decent down payment we will consider moving again. For now we are trying to make it work as best as possible.

[PenelopeJune]

I feel you OP. We did the exact same thing. We bought at the tip top of our comfort zone and then some. (Well, the price was waaay less than the bank said we could afford, but the payments were much higher than we were comfortable with.) And then DH's hours got slashed, and things got really shaky, and we ended up losing the house. It was awful, and we kicked ourselves everyday for a long time.

I don't really know how to tell you how you "get over it" because I still have moments where I'm so angry with myself. If we'd just waited a few more years, if we'd just stayed in our old house, if we could have just made it work...I'm very angry still that the people after us were able to buy our house for 1/3 less than we paid for it...with cash, and then rent it out to someone else. It hurts.

But I agree with the other posters. If you can afford the payments, then just bloom where you're planted. Keep fixing the house up. Forget about resale value, just make it the home you want to live in. If you can't afford to remodel the way you'd really like, make it look cute with paint and curtains and stuff in the meantime.

*hugs* to you!

[annethcz]

I think we ALL make decisions we regret. I've made some stupid financial mistakes too. Like you, we bought our current home at the top of the market. We could *maybe* break even if we sold the house now (after finishing renovations). I wasn't sure if I wanted to live in this house forever, but I thought it would be a fun experiement, so we moved. And now, even if I wanted to, I could move back. For awhile I was really bummed about this. But then I started focusing on the bright side. I involved myself in the community. I made changes to the house to make it feel like mine. I don't HAVE to stay here forever. But as long as I'm here, I may as well enjoy it as much as I can.

[just_lily]

If it makes you feel any better, I am stuck x 2. I owned a house in another city when DF and I decided to move in together and I got a job where we are now. I listed my house for sale, and we started house hunting together.

My house wasn't selling, but we were *sure* it was going to happen any time, and that I was going to make a big profit. So when we found our house that we are in now, DF's dad agreed to cosign on our mortgage so that we could purchase it before my other house sold.

Big mistake. Big. HUGE.

The reason why my other house wouldn't sell is that the market was tanking. It quickly went from making a profit to be being upside down and continued to fall. It is now worth about 75% of what I paid for it, and I only put 5% down.

Meanwhile the market has also fallen where we are. Not to the same extent, but enough that we are still upside down on our mortgage.

Oh... and about a month after we moved in here we got pregnant, and I ended up leaving the job we moved here for in order to stay home. More 'brilliant' financial decisions. DF continued to commute 45 minutes away for over two years, until he was laid off this past January and managed to find another job working from home (a huge blessing).

So now we unwittingly own a rental property in another city. The rent is short of the mortgage payment by about $150 each month, plus I have to pay property tax and insurance, but at least the tenants pay the utilities and are taking care of the place. I keep telling DF that one day we will be happy that we own that house. Today is not that day, but it will happen. Someday.

It is frustrating to know that we could have a much smaller mortgage if we bought our same house today. I kick myself a lot. We are in a position that if we *had* to sell our house for some reason, we couldn't. I am not sure if we would necessarily move at this point if given the choice (our house meets our needs and we like our community) but I would feel a lot better knowing we could, if we needed to.

There was a time we were really struggling financially, but because we have my FIL on our mortgage a lot of the more drastic measure we could have done, like bankruptcy or foreclosure, would have dragged him down with us, and that is just not something we could do. So we have to keep on hanging in, no matter what.

We have learned a lot of tough financial lessons over the last few years. Things that I never would have done if left to my own devices, like make my own laundry soap, and really stretching a dollar at the grocery store, have become common place now. I thank God for teaching me what is really important, and how to be frugal now while I am relatively young, and that we still have the rest of our lives to work ourselves back up. If we made these same choices in our 60s it would have been even more disastrous.

Since we are getting married we recently went through premarital counseling with our church. We talked about how our dream is to have a little hobby farm on an acreage and become more self sufficient. Our pastor cautioned us to hold out until we are really ready financially and not to make the leap too soon. We laughed because we have definitely learned the hard way about making poorly thought out real estate decisions, so there is no worry of us jumping the gun again.

[amyamanda]

It helps me to remember that no house is perfect, no neighborhood/town/city/state/location is perfect, there are no guarantees about anything.

Those situations that you wish you were in would have drawbacks and flaws that you wouldn't see until you were in them. That is just how it goes.

Do what you can to love where you are. I'm going through something similar in my house and a change in attitude has done wonders for me (and my house, LOL).

The economy is like musical chairs. You think you can keep moving around, finding a better spot, but the music stops and you have to accept where you are at that moment. The music has stopped for a lot of people. We are where we are. Better to put our energy toward other things if we can, than into beating ourselves up for something we cannot redo and cannot change right now.

It's okay to hold out hope that it will change someday. But right now, make the most of where you are, whatever that means to you. It's hard inner work. And it might take some $$ for paint or some time/creativity for finding what you need on freecycle or at yardsales or whatever. Have faith.

[applecider]

Thanks so much for your responses! I do know in my head that these are things that will help me "get over it" but that regret starts creeping in when I least expect it. I definitely know that keeping off the the MLS listings would be a really smart idea but sometimes I suppose I am a glutton for punishment. Maybe I go on there hoping that it will reassure me, but I always end up depressed.

As far as our house, I like it well enough, we have made it ours. I have a nice garden, big yard, etc. Mostly I just think of the money aspect of it. And then I think about the money in terms of how much DP had to work for it and it just seems like wasted time.

I really feel for those of you who are in a worse situation and while I totally think it stinks, it is nice to know that weren't the only ones. Sometimes I get to thinking that everyone else out there in this life totally knows what they're doing and I am the only one who doesn't!

I guess just time will heal and make me forget. Plus, dp has been laid off for a couple of months but he just got a job today so that makes the financial situation more bright.

Thank you again for your wise words mamas.

[choli]

They say the only time the price of your house matters is the day you buy it and the day you sell it. So if you are not actively trying to sell your house, there is little point in worrying about whether it is upside down or what it is "worth". Try thinking of it as your home and not as an investment.