Homebirth right for us?

[sarahkristy]

I'm in my 7th week of my 2nd pregnancy (early, early!) and want to have a homebirth.

We had a hospital birth with my first and I ended up having an epidural (due to back labor/no support....the list goes on). I really wanted to have a drug-free birth but felt very unguided during birth and my midwives changed shifts during the L&D. The midwife I reallly liked in the group I saw ended up delivering my son but it just wasn't how I pictured it at all. My mom and sister were there and were NO help at all. They basically just sat and watched me. It was just ...awful. I felt bad because they were tired and it had been 36 hours by the time the baby was born.. just not a great situation. My nurse was okay but kept tripping on my epidural cord/IV and it HURT..this was during the pushing stage...argg.

Overall, I wouldn't mind going to the hospital this time WITH a doula and a midwife who I KNEW would be there the whole time (not sure if I can even do that...) and my hubby but now I have my son to think of. I don't want to be separated from him for that long. I also want to be able to use a birthing tub during labor and delivery.

So, a home birth seems like the best option. However, we rent the 1/2 of my parents house (kinda a duplex) and the privacy wouldn't be great. We could tell them not to come over but they will still be able to hear me and I'm not sure if that would make me uncomfortable. Also, I'm worried about my DS being able to sleep well if I'm in labor all night, etc. I also think I will need a lot of support after the birth and I'm not sure how to ask for it. Literally, no one did the dishes for us after my DS's birth once... I was overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. I know I'll need lots of help with my DS as well as the housework.

Do you think that the proximity to my parents would be a major disruption to my birth? It will be in the winter so then I also have the worries...what if the pipes freeze? or the electricity goes out? or we need to transfer to the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm? We live in Vermont...

Agh! I don't know.. I REALLY want to have a peaceful, intervention free birth but not sure how to attain it. Our hospital is very good about respecting birth wishes and has a much lower C/S rate (16%) than the rest of the country but STILL, I'd like to be at home...

Advice?

TIA for reading this long rant!

[demetria]

I guess the parent issue is the one I would focus on.
Are they supportive?
Would they respect privacy and not just come in to see you?

They could be invaluable though, watching your elder child, make food, take your older child to the movies if you need you time during labor.

Kids are usually amazing in labor and I have never been at a birth when they weren't. A lot of the time they sleep right through it.

Good luck, from a former VTer.
Do you have a midwife? I have some great suggestions.

[TabithaB]

I would see if the parents would be supportive also. Some people are at a loss with things like this on their own. You may be surprised as to what people will do if they know what is wanted, needed or expected of them.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Set up ground rules with your parents ahead of time. It's not like hospitals are particularly private either, so really it's just a trade off.

[*MamaJen*]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
It sounds like you had a pretty typical hospital experience. A lot of women go in thinking they can have a good natural birth in a hospital, but once they get there they realize how high the odds are stacked against them -- especially if they're not going in with a great doula or strong family support.
Here's a few suggestions:
1. Have the homebirth! As long as you're medically low risk, there are so many strong reasons to birth at home with a midwife.
2. Was your husband there for the first birth? Can you count on him to be supportive? It would definitely be good for him to learn how to be a good bith partner, by reading the aptly titled book "The Birth Partner," going to your midwife's childbirth classes, maybe even taking Bradley classes with you an generally being supportive. Also, can you sit down with him and have a talk about the fact the he 100 percent needs to do the housework in the post-partum period? If he is unsupportive or physically incapable of taking care of the house, I'd really reccomend getting a post-partum doula. If cost is an issue, you could ask anyone who would be getting you a baby gift to pitch in for that.
3. The best way to ask for something is to say it clearly. Most people will fall over themselves to help a pregnant lady or new mother. Sometimes people just don't know what to do or what you need. Can you sit down with your mom and sister and tell them the specific things that would help you? Ideally, one of them could be on call to watch your son during the labor.
4. During the height of labor, you'll probably be so far off in laborland that I doubt you'll even remember that your parents live next door.
5. If the electricity went out, it wouldn't be the end of the world. I had to have all the lights off when I was in labor. I delivered the baby by the light of the living room fire. The midwives had flashlights.
6. Talk to your midwife. She can go over a lot of this with you.
Good luck!

[Galatea]

We live in an old barn (so thin walls) and when dd was born, we had friends come over to watch ds1 and ds2. They took them downstairs to play and I gave birth to dd and made noise, and they said they never heard me. Anyway, while it was happening, I just didn't care!

I would set rules with the 'rents (we will call you when you can come see the baby) and hire a postpartum doula if you feel the need for help after the birth. Or can you just ask for help from your parents?

[femalephish]

Congrats on your pregnancy! A few quick notes;

I live in a duplex with my brother next door and he didn't even wake up when I labored!! I was really loud, too!

My midwives did the dishes and the laundry before they left after the birth. They were amazing. Good luck!

[sarahkristy]

thanks guys..

ahh I was getting so worried thinking about the logistics of it all.

I know for sure that my parents would definitely watch my son. He loves them to pieces. I think they will feel uncomfortable with a homebirth but at this point, I doubt they will argue much with me since they know when I am set for something, I do it.

My dad is also a farmer and delivers calves regularly so he might not feel *as* weird as some might.

I definitely think they will stay on their side during labor if I ask them to just not sure as far as after...etc... as far as asking for help after I have the baby, I think I may do an alternative registry...and ask for things like housekeeping, meals etc.

I'm just worried about the "what-ifs". I do have a midwife...actually two. They both have 10+ years exper. ...once is a naturopathic doctor and acupuncturist as well and the other is a midwife and EMT. so I feel comfortable with their experience.

I know that I want to do this ... I don't want to argue with people over it...I know my sister (a nurse) would be horrified if I told her so I might jsut tell my parents and tell everyone else AFTER the baby is born!. and that way if I transferred I wouldn't have to deal with the comments, etc.

Has anyone ever done that?

I have a hard time asking people for help...so this is will difficult. Some of my worries come from how the labor will affect my son, if he would wake up if I was screaming ..etc... if he would be scared.

My insurance will pay for 9 hours of postpartum doula which is awesome. Do you think I would need a doula during the birth if I have a midwife? They said its either both of them or one of them with an apprentice.


Thanks again.... in the midst of horrible morning sickness so thinking about the end helps.

[bluebirdiemama]

Have you done a "sound test"? To see how well you can hear through the walls? I would bet labor sounds would be muffled, and maybe covered up by music on their side, or both sides. Maybe they would take care of your son if you labored through the night. They might even be willing to pack an emergency "spend one night in a hotel" bag.

(just read your last post)
If you feel like it would take the pressure off you for the duration of the pregnancy, why not wait to tell of the home birth? It's not anyone's right to know.

I think your idea about the alternative gift registry is great. DEFINETELY ask for help. You will need it. I think everyone always wants to help too, after a baby, but some people don't want to overstep boundaries, or somethng. They want to give you space after the baby's born, thinking that's what you need. When you really need LOTS of help.

I am the type to not ask for help too. But seriously, do it.

[caedmyn]

If I had insurance that would cover a PP doula, I would definitely get one! Take all the help you can get! It might not be a bad idea to just mention to your parents that you are concerned about being overwhelmed with housework, cooking, and childcare after the birth and ask if they'd be willing to help.

Could your parents tranfer your DS to their side in the middle of the night if need be? Or you could try a fan for white noise in his room...that would help him sleep through noise better. You're probably just as likely to birth during the day though.

[jennmk13]

I would have a doula as well as a midwife. The midwife and her assistant are there for the birth and not to help you labor. I had a doula at my first HB and I feel I could not have done it without her. She was amazing at helping me get through contractions!

[sarahkristy]

The sound is pretty transparent but not horrible. They definitely could hear me if I wear yelling or screaming but my mom also was at my last birth so I guess its not too bothersome if they hear me, as long as I don't see them.

As far as transferring during the night, that probably wouldn't work since my DS sleeps with us and is only used to sleeping in our bed. We keep a fan on anyway so that would help, I guess I would have to stay downstairs in the tub or use the couch to birth. Do you think I would NEED a bed?

I'm definitely going with the PP doula, just not sure about the labor doula. The way the midwives make it sound is that they support you through your whole labor and you dont *need* a doula unless you want to know for SURE that someone will be there as soon as you go into labor etc.... I'm just not positive we could afford it and not sure I'd want that many people there watching me. At the same time, if it helps me cope with the pain, it would be worth it.

I am worried about the pain. knowing that there will be no pain relief here available is scary but also one less thing to worry about. Just the classic "what if I can't do it"... I remember being so exhausted with Noah before even entering transition (it had been 24 hrs active labor) that I was falling asleep in between contractions and as soon as I hit transition, I freaked. I felt like my body couldn't handle it. Do you think this is mostly because of lack of support/fear or because the pain is truly that bad...we just doubt our ability to handle it?

[fishmom]

Originally Posted by sarahkristy

I am worried about the pain. knowing that there will be no pain relief here available is scary but also one less thing to worry about. Just the classic "what if I can't do it"... I remember being so exhausted with Noah before even entering transition (it had been 24 hrs active labor) that I was falling asleep in between contractions and as soon as I hit transition, I freaked. I felt like my body couldn't handle it. Do you think this is mostly because of lack of support/fear or because the pain is truly that bad...we just doubt our ability to handle it?

With my first homebirth as soon as I started thinking, "Get me to a hospital now - I need drugs!" I realized, "Hey, this is transition, I'm almost done!" I never vocalized my thoughts, but just knowing there was progress and an end in sight really helped.

I was so glad I was home b/c had a nurse come in at that moment and asked if I wanted something to make it "easier" I probably would have said yes.

We had our Bradley instructor there for the first birth in addition to 2 midwives; she was great as a doula. The next 2 births there were 2 mws and one in training. With #2 and #3 there were also a friend and my mom. My dad stayed downstairs for the kids just in case they needed someone. I didn't even remember he was there until my mom reminded me a couple of days ago. :-) With both #2 and #3 the younger kids ended up sleeping through and woke up to a new baby brother.

My DH was the best partner thru all 3 though. The Bradley classes really helped with that. My DH is not a reader so giving him a book would NOT have helped. Videos and classes and discussion are what he needs.

Discuss your fear of transition with both your mw and your husband and anyone else supporting you. Ask your mw for coping strategies and practice them. Visualizations may help as well. Maybe check out hypno birthing. Pray about it and have faith in the birth process. It is pain with a purpose.

[sarahkristy]

Thanks ...

I guess my biggest concern (as is everyones) is the safety of the baby. I know that the chances of something happening at home during a low risk birth that could have been prevented in a hospital are very slim however, I still can't shake the worry that maybe something could happen.

Our local hospital has around the clock OR staff (so the time from decisions to csection would be less than normal) as well as a lower (than normal) csection rate (16%)...they also have a good history of supporting a natural birth and have a midwifery group that works within the hospital. A friend of mine just had her baby with no interventions there...when I mentioned having a homebirth, she said, "why bother? our hospital is so great".

So when I consider that maybe with a doula and supportive hubby plus midwives at the hospital- an intervention free birth is probably possible..

It makes me feel like I am taking an unnecessary risk in birthing at home. Is the chances for something fatal occurring in an intervention free hospital birth less than a homebirth? (because of the proximity to the OR)? Does that make sense?

Ugh sorry for rehashing this... its stressful deciding on something so important. I just want to be 100% sure that I'm doing the right thing for my baby. I guess we can never have 100% knowledge that things will go one way or the other...I just want to cover all my bases.

TIA