Chatting in the "Mother's Lounge"-Lactivism

[Paigekitten]

So the other day at church I popped into the "Mother's Lounge" (more accurately a couple of recliners and a changing table in a crap scented bathroom....) to change my DD2's diaper and started chatting with another mom in the room. She was mixing up two ounces of formula and attempting to feed her obviously-not-interested nine month old. We were chatting and she mentioned something about not making enough milk and I had no clue what to say.

What do you say in situations like that? I couldn't tell if she wanted advice, or was just making casual conversation.

[ewe+lamb]

In this situation I often ask the mother why she thinks that she hasn't enough milk, it often comes out that someone - relatives or HCP have told her she hasn't enough, then gently approach the subject of supply and demand and explain the stimulation - sometimes it's accepted sometimes not - but you also have to be careful about giving the information - some mothers do not want to know - others want to relactate immediately - you just have to be on your toes about the sensibilities of the mother at this point, she may just want an understanding supportive mother to share her story - someone to be there and not be judgemental, then depending on the conversation that takes place may or may not decide to nurse her next baby. I think in these situations its all about planting a seed, I sometimes talk about LLL or other breastfeeding support groups.

[proudmomof4]

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb

In this situation I often ask the mother why she thinks that she hasn't enough milk, it often comes out that someone - relatives or HCP have told her she hasn't enough, then gently approach the subject of supply and demand and explain the stimulation - sometimes it's accepted sometimes not - but you also have to be careful about giving the information - some mothers do not want to know - others want to relactate immediately - you just have to be on your toes about the sensibilities of the mother at this point, she may just want an understanding supportive mother to share her story - someone to be there and not be judgemental, then depending on the conversation that takes place may or may not decide to nurse her next baby. I think in these situations its all about planting a seed, I sometimes talk about LLL or other breastfeeding support groups.

I like how you started with an open-ended question. This doesn't push the mother "in a corner".
By bringing up LLL meetings (and maybe offering to take her along or e-mail her a contact e-mail or phone number) you've offered support. She can take it or leave it, that's her choice.
To the PP: I still feel it's a walk on the fence, and my youngest child is 6y old now. Thanks for caring!

[PGTlatte]

In a situation like this, with a woman I do not know well and who has not shown up at a meeting asking for advice and breastfeeding support, I would not offer any advice at all unless the mother has specifically expressed that she is upset about having to supplement and wishes she could just nurse 100%. And then I would only mention that an IBCLC or LLL leader may be able to help, if she has not already received help. If she responds with enthusiasm to that, I would offer to email her contact information if she wants me to. (okay, I might mention oatmeal cookies in a joking way, but only if this lady seemed really receptive and might like an excuse to eat cookies.)

If the mother is not openly saying or displaying that she is upset about supplementing and wants to change it, I don't have any reason to assume that she would want to change it. Many mothers are not comfortable with 100% breastfeeding and are actually relieved when someone tells them they "have to supplement". While I am not happy with the misinformation that leads to this situation, I don't feel like it's appropriate to go around giving unsolicited parenting advice to strangers who are probably perfectly happy with the way they are caring for their child. I would not hesitate to offer support and information to someone who asked for it or expressed a desire for it, and I would not hesitate to enlighten someone who was offering "advice" to me concerning how I feed or care for my own child...because if they have done that, the ball is in my court and a response is appropriate. But I would not initiate a discussion about it involving someone else's child unless there was a really clear green light to offer support, and even then I would be very cautious.

The other situation I am thinking of is a mother who really does not want to be supplementing, and would love to breastfeed 100%, but has already been through everything an IBCLC has suggested to try and it has not worked, or she has reached her own personal limit for how much effort is too much (perhaps nursing with supplementing device, and pumping multiple times each day, and supplementing formula, constantly weighing baby, etc) and has finally decided to nurse as much as she can, supplement the rest, and relax and enjoy her baby, knowing she is doing her best.....but is still sad about it...for a mother like this, a comment from a pro-bf stranger who does not know her whole story, and may accidentally say something that might come across as judgmental or condescending....can be really upsetting.

The last reason I would not offer any advice or comments unless it was really clearly desired is because of the impression it can make about the stereotypical group of "breastfeeders". I have overheard quite a few conversations between mothers who talk about how turned off they are when they are on the receiving end of a pro-bf lecture from someone they don't know and didn't ask for advice from. I think the negative feelings about the "lecture" and the "breastfeeder" (or other term) who gave it outweigh the benefits of any information they might have received, and they are left with the idea that they don't want to be "one of those (insert term)". I think giving out unsolicited advice about infant feeding probably does more harm than good.

In most situations I think the best response is to smile and tell her that her child is beautiful. If you make a friend who wants to get more support for breastfeeding, that will come up again.

[InMediasRes]

ITA with laundrycrisis. I had very real supply problems with my first, and if I had run into someone judgmental in a nursing room who said I had invented them or was causing them, I would have been devaststed. You have no way of knowing (with only that information) what that mother's journey has been like.

And chances are, if she is like most moms I know who gave up early, she made her decision already and you won't really be able to change that. If she was misinformed, then the problem was with those who misinformed her, but you would have to be so careful to make it seem like you weren't blaming her for the problem.

[Paigekitten]

I guess I am super sensitive because with my first I fought to keep her out of the hospital for weight loss in the first week, supplemented formula, had almost no milk, pumped my way back to a full supply, exclusively pumped for 3 months before getting her to latch on and continued to nurse her for another 16 months.

I remember watching the moms who seemed to have no problems and wonder what was wrong with me. I remember wanting to ask them questions but being to shy so starting out conversations like "well she lost a lot of weight so we had to supplement and now she only takes a bottle" and gleaning the tiny pieces of advice I could from their responses, but never flat out asking for advice, somehow thinking it was too private to ask.

And yes mambera, I did judge her. Because even with all the issues I had in the beginning I still think the formula was part of the problem, even though it was urged on me by an IBCLC.

I would have loved as a new mother to know that I wasn't alone, and I would have really appreciated knowing that low supply is most often fixable. Only one LC I saw thought my baby would EVER breastfeed, let alone exclusively.


ETA: I think the best thing for me to say is probably something like "Oh yeah, when I was having problems with my supply I saw a LC who really helped us," and leave it at that unless they ask more questions.

Thanks for all the great ideas. : )

[AllyRae]

Not every person who makes too little milk is making it because they don't know how to nurse. I have had low supply each and every day I have nursed...3 1/2 years for my son, and so far 17 months with my daughter. Formula use was not a reason for the low supply. No amount of pumping and drugs and nursing brought that up. Heck, I've used a supplemental nursing system for most of the time I've been nursing and even *that* hasn't brought my supply up. Even suggesting that the person attend LLL may not be helpful. I attend LLL. Not even *that* raised my supply. The mere suggestion that I am not doing all I could would be pretty hurtful. Some people just do not make enough milk, despite having all the support in the world and trying their best. They have not found a reason why I don't make enough milk (but it's probably a similar reason to why my water can break and I don't go into active labor... maybe the same hormone is at play?)

Do you know that she didn't try nursing first? Maybe she was nursing before you came in, or before she came in the room, and now she was attempting to console her baby who was still hungry...

Some people may not make enough because of misinformation or whatever, but some people might be hurting because they tried everything and it didn't work...

[tinybutterfly]

I am returning this thread.

It's an important discussion to have, how to approach a mom who is formula feeding and who is/was breastfeeding and do it with sensitivity, tact and a helpful and kind attitude.

If I have removed your post, please feel free to repost it keeping the focus on how to approach another mom in a gentle way and not on criticizing the mom in question, other mothers who formula feed in general or speculating. Also, please do not get snarky with one another.

Thanks!

tinybutterfly

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Paigekitten

We were chatting and she mentioned something about not making enough milk and I had no clue what to say.

I would have said, "Yeah, I had that problem with my first baby, too. I tried so hard and it just didn't work out. I was really bummed. But then, with my second, I had tons of milk. Go figure!"

Because that is what happened to me. And what I really needed to hear back with my first was that not making enough milk (and yes, it happens!) the first time doesn't mean you can't breastfeed successfully the next.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by Paigekitten

And yes mambera, I did judge her. Because even with all the issues I had in the beginning I still think the formula was part of the problem, even though it was urged on me by an IBCLC.

OK, so formula was part of YOUR problem. But you don't know that it was part of HER problem. The fact that a mom who intended to bf is giving her 9-mo formula doesn't give you any information about what the initial problem was, and whether it involved formula or not.

"Oh yeah, when I was having problems with my supply I saw a LC who really helped us," and leave it at that unless they ask more questions.

That sounds good to me. It's supportive, suggests that low supply is often fixable, and doesn't imply that you think you know what caused her issue.

[staceychev]

Honestly, I think that mamas who don't breastfeed can feel really judged by mamas who do, and her comment might have just been a defense.