Freaking out

[chilly]

So, I just created this account in case my ex somehow finds MDC. I do not want him reading past posts to learn more about my DD.

Background: ex and I split up when I was 10 weeks preggo. He was extremely emotionally abusive, did not want me to have any contact with any friends, did not even want me to speak to my co-workers unless it was directly about a work issue. Wanted me to modify my body in ways that made me feel extremely uncomfortable, dictated what I should wear, how I should style my hair, etc. He would say things like "You will never be able to carry this baby to term. You will do something to screw it up so the baby dies" Then the very next day he would say, "Why on earth were you telling me that you were going to do something to hurt this child that you are carrying? Why would you tell me he/she is not going to be born?" Lots of twisting things around onto me that he had said. It was hellacious to live with. The mind games were absolutely over the top.

I eventually left when I was 10 weeks pregnant, and pretty much didn't hear from him again. I received an email when I was in late pregnancy and another shortly after my DC was born pretty much saying that he missed me and wanted to see me, etc. Never mentioning that I was pregnant or had a baby. I did not respond and he never wrote again.

Now, DC is three and I thought we were safe. I hadn't heard from him in so long and have never asked for anything. He is not on the birth certificate, and I do not receive any child support. I am completely happy with my life, and had assumed that he was not going to contact us. Until this morning...

Today, I received an email asking for details about "our child", a picture, and he wants me to call him as he has a "suggestion" that I "might be interested in". I am beyond terrified. I do not want him to know about our DC at all. I know that father's rights are valid, but he was such a frightening individual that I really do not want my child to have any contact with him under any circumstances. He is just far too toxic.

I have no idea what to do now. I am going to sit on it for at least a couple of days, regardless of what I need to do, just to get my head back on straight, but I can't figure out if I should just call him and see what he really wants, maybe email back and ask him (politely) to leave us alone, no idea. I do receive public assistance, and it is based on my reporting that I do not know who the father is. We were using birth control at the time I conceived, and it was very unlikely that I would get pregnant, yet I did. I am terrified that if I don't reply to him, it could be used against me, as in he tried to contact me and I was the one who refused to allow him access to our DC.

Please, oh please tell me someone out there has gone through a similar situation. I am holding me sweet baby so tightly today.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Holy Gaucamole. SO MANY HUGS!!! No advice. Sorry, but I couldnt read this and not post SOMETHING.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Holy Gaucamole. SO MANY HUGS!!! No advice. Sorry, but I couldnt read this and not post SOMETHING.

Same here. I hope someone knows what to do here. The only thing I can think of is to retain a lawyer and have them advise you as to what to do next.

[PinkinPA]

Well, what I gather from this is that he probably doesn't know where you are. Also, how about deleting that email address?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this..I also second retaining a lawyer or battered womens shelter to talk with someone who deals with these situations daily. Maybe find a support group?

[New_Natural_Mom]

I would:

1. Not respond.

2. Make sure all possible information about you is hidden - unlisted #, unlisted address, etc. Do you work at the same place? Do you live in the same place? Can you move?

You don't need to answer him. He has no part in your life. I would just ignore him and possibly seek legal help.

[*MamaJen*]

I'm not a lawyer, but my gut reaction is to completely ignore the email. If he wants to see the baby, he can do it the official way, by going through the courts, filing for a paternity test, etc.
The thing with abusive guys like that is they try to jam their foot in the door in any way they can. Once they have a toe in, they start all their old tricks.
And for the love of god, don't talk to him on the phone or see him in person.
A lot of abusers are all hot air. When it comes to taking real action that would put them out -- and requires more than verbal threats, intimidation and mind games -- they don't follow through.
If he had really wanted to see the baby, he wouldn't have just emailed you once or twice. He would have gone to the courts three years ago and filed for visitation. The fact that he let three years elapse will work in your favor.

[Halfasianmomma]

Two words:

No

Contact

This is a dangerous individual who is playing "go fish" with you, trying to get you to jump back into this dance of madness with him. Don't bite. You're clearly happy with your life so what's the point? Since you have de facto custody (is it legal?), he'd have to go through a bunch of legal hoops (prove paternity through a paternity test, then make a request to the courts for visitation) to MAKE you let him see the child. Until you receive a court summons or anything of the like, you DON'T have to answer.

And yes, if you want to be EXTRA sure, I'd call a lawyer and ask for a free initial legal consultation. Just be clear and ask your question. It should give you geographically relevant legal information and make you feel at ease.

Change your email or simply BLOCK him. Secure all your personal information (Facebook, My Space, any online presence, make sure family and friends don't share your info, unlist your address and phone number). This individual is frightening, abusive and manipulative, so it's best to be safe about this.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Two words:

No

Contact

This is a dangerous individual who is playing "go fish" with you, trying to get you to jump back into this dance of madness with him. Don't bite. You're clearly happy with your life so what's the point? Since you have de facto custody (is it legal?), he'd have to go through a bunch of legal hoops (prove paternity through a paternity test, then make a request to the courts for visitation) to MAKE you let him see the child. Until you receive a court summons or anything of the like, you DON'T have to answer.

And yes, if you want to be EXTRA sure, I'd call a lawyer and ask for a free initial legal consultation. Just be clear and ask your question. It should give you geographically relevant legal information and make you feel at ease.

Change your email or simply BLOCK him. Secure all your personal information (Facebook, My Space, any online presence, make sure family and friends don't share your info, unlist your address and phone number). This individual is frightening, abusive and manipulative, so it's best to be safe about this.

This.

You have no obligation to respond. If he wants info or visits, he'll have to go through the courts, and knowing he'd have to pay child support will be a strong disincentive for him to do this. Definitely ignore him! Don't let him back in your life.

[MissLotus]

I agree with the others: Do not respond! Whatever you do, do not respond.

And just do you feel more empowered with info and the sense that if things were to get hairy, you at least have legal power behind you, just have a consultation with a lawyer. You don't have to retain one; simply make an appointment to have these questions answered.

I would think that by waiting three years, your ex would have more than exceeded the criteria of having abandoned the child. And I think that if you ever did contact him again, it should be through a lawyer only - so that your ex knows it's not just you & him any more and he can't bully you.

[Avani]

Email? What email? Really, you think he can say that he sent you one email in three years and that is you keeping your child from him? You have had three communications in 4 years. If he really wanted to be in the kids life he would go out of his way to track you down, offer child support and request visitation. Ignore the email and just wait and see. Many people change their emails over the years. I would even go so far as to wait for him to file for a paternity test in court. See how interested he is in seeing the baby.

[*MamaJen*]

I had one other thought -- when you've been in an abusive relationship and escaped, you're still psychologically trained or groomed to respond to the abuser in a certain way. Abuse is brainwashing, pure and simple. So even if it's been years and you feel like you've moved on, if the abuser contacts you again, it's terrifyingly easy to slip back into that old role.
You are not that abused woman anymore. You don't have to engage with him. You owe him nothing. Right now, he's just fishing to see if he can start abusing you again. I am 100 percent convinced that this is not about the baby, it's about controlling and abusing you. If he really wants to see the baby, he'll go through the courts, and your lawyer can respond. Until then, ignore him.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Don't do anything. Live your life as you have been. BUT - create a little folder in your email account that his emails just go straight into.

Do not respond. If he's so desperate to see your baby, he'll go to court, have you served with papers for a paternity test, and then you'll go from there.

[HappyTomato]

Another vote for not responding. Ignore it. Don't invite trouble back into your life. Make him go through the legal system. I bet he's perfectly happy not paying child support and that will deter him from going through the legal system. Emails are not usually allowed as evidence in the courtroom where I live anyway (they are too easy to fake). I had to cut off email communication with my emotionally abusive xh and have limited him to only phone calls or texts. His emails would go on and on. He can't be as wordy when sending texts. I would totally get a new email address.

[chaoticzenmom]

I agree with the others. Don't respond at all. Either delete your email account or put his emails into a different folder.

If you have facebook or myspace, take all pics off, even your profile pics and change all your security features to be friends only. Look at your groups pages and delete any that give away your location (if he doesn't know it). Logout and look yourself up to see what a stranger would see. Take yourself off of the search engines (facebook has that option somewhere )and change your account name to one that isn't recognizable as you. Take off your schools and take siblings/parents off of the relationships page. Ask parents/siblings not to put up pictures of you or your child. Make your friends list available to friends only and there may even be an option that hides your friends list from everyone.

Make yourself very boring and hard to find.

If he does find you and you are forced to communicate with him, be ready. Read up on being assertive. Read about having been a victim and how to reclaim your power. No emotion, No excuses, No accusations, No promises, all questions answered with a question or a change of subject until you can exit the conversation. Or, you could just inform him that you'd like his address and that your lawyer will get in touch with him shortly. Then, get a lawyer and keep all communication through him/her.

[Freedom~Mama]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I would not respond to the e-mail, make sure all passwords, pictures, personal info, etc is secure online and wait and see what happens. Probably he won't do anything more than send a few e-mails. I am so sorry you are going through this though. Please keep us all updated.

[chilly]

Thanks for all of the advice. I will go delete all of my Facebook pics, I do have all of the privacy settings completely maxxed out, but I have pics up there. I think I am going to delete my Photobucket account too. I just remembered that he accessed it when I was pregnant once, and I had completely forgotten about it. It has some pics of my child in there. My email address is a gmail account. Is it possible to really delete that completely? I still have the same phone number from when I was with him. I actually purposefully kept the same email and phone so that he couldn't say that I prevented him from seeing DC, but now am really wishing I had deleted it.

I definitely won't email him. I am so worried that he will say that I didn't write back and I am preventing him from seeing his child. I know it has been almost 4 years since he saw me, and that alone shows that he doesn't care all that much about the child that he helped to create. Unfortunately in the state I live in, there is no cut off for abandoning a child. I once spoke with a lawyer about it and she said he could come back a month before DC turns 18 to try to establish paternity, and the court systems would accept him as the father.

I am pretty sure I do have *legal* custody, but I don't really know how it works. The system thinks that I do not know who the father is, but in actuality, I do. I am pretty sure that is not kosher, but then again, I *shouldn't* have been able to get pregnant with the birth control we were using, but I did. There is technically the possibility that he is not the father (if it ever came down to it, that is what I would claim, anyway).

To the poster who said that I am trained to slip back into his abusive dichotomy, you are absolutely right. When I got his email, I immediately felt like I was out of control, and he was going to come take everything (DC) away from me that I hold dear once again. I didn't even think about possibly not even responding. I wish my first thought was "How dare you, you bast**d! I will not be drawn in again!"

As for a lawyer, there is no way on earth that I could retain one. I have absolutely no finanicial resources. I am a single parent, I only work 20 hours per week, and am on all kinds of assistance. I have no family left in my life, and none of my friends could contribute more than $100 if I absolutely needed it. He is an *EXTREMELY* wealthy man with some *EXTREMELY* wealthy friends. I am pretty sure that most of the reason that he hasn't sought out contact is that he knows that he would have to pay quite a bit of child support. I am also sure that if he does end up paying, I won't see any of it, as it will go toward paying back the state for services I have received over the past almost 4 years. No big deal to me for now, but I really was holding out hope that it was the financial piece of it that was keeping him away.

I think at the very least, I am not going to answer my phone unless I know who it is from. I will try to figure out the mess than changing my email address will be. So many important pieces of my life are tied to my email address, it will be hard to change, but not impossible.

I am sorry if this is starting to ramble. I am just feeling absolutely sick at the thought of what we might eventually go through. DC is climbing all over me saying "What's wrong mama? Are you sad?" It just breaks my heart.

[MissLotus]

You know, you're just in the initial shock of hearing from him again after so long. It will fade. Life will be normal again. Two things about a lawyer - to consult one, you don't need to retain them - it's a one-time-thing only. You only retain them if you choose to, later. You may also be qualified for legal aid; that's worth looking into.

Any man that was serious about seeing his child - and not you - would be taking the proper legal measures: requesting to establish paternity, going through the courts. You wouldn't just get a mysterious e-mail out of the blue hinting at some "suggestion you might be interested in". But you see, he won't do all of that stuff legally, because not only would he have to start paying child support, he would owe you BACK child support; a very hefty sum at this point, I would imagine. So don't forget that you have this major ball in your court; if he starts getting pushy, don't be afraid to use it, and better yet to have a lawyer send him a letter saying that. (Because you know what? If it came to court, he could very well have to pay your legal fees, as well. All stuff worth asking about in a one-time consultation.)

Sounds like he's just got a "wild hair", as they say, and is fishing around to see what sort of reaction he can still get from you. Don't give it to him, and don't worry too much. Just get informed.

[simplemama32]

Oh, mama...I couldn't read and not post some hugs, too!

My first instinct would be to delete the email account and definitely screen all calls. If it helps any, I work in data management and know for a fact how people go through email addresses like kleenex. Some actually delete the accounts, some just abandon them because of spam or other reasons. At any rate, if you don't respond, he will never know that you haven't changed email addresses.

Could you call a local law office and just ask them for recommendations for free or low-cost law services in your area? Maybe a community counseling service or women's shelter could offer advice, too.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yes, I totally agree with Miss Lotus. Find out about legal aid ASAP, especially if it'll make you feel more secure. And yes, you can just consult a lawyer for a free initial consultation. It usually lasts from 15 minutes to half an hour, and can go a looooong way in helping you understand what your rights and obligations are legally.

I too am sloooooowly learning about having the upper hand, legally and otherwise, over my alcoholic/abusive XH, and I still need the support of the mamas on the board to remind me to be strong and to plainly tell to "F*** off". I mean, I am the sole provider. I was granted legal custody, discretion over visitation, and child support. I was granted divorce. And I *still* get unsettled whenever I see XH's number pop up on my telephone screen, or whenever I receive a silly email from him. Then I just yell "help!" to the mamas on the board, then MamaJen translates my XH's stupid emails for me, then I laugh, and then I move on. Honest. It works.

[chilly]

Originally Posted by MissLotus

You know, you're just in the initial shock of hearing from him again after so long. It will fade. Life will be normal again. Two things about a lawyer - to consult one, you don't need to retain them - it's a one-time-thing only. You only retain them if you choose to, later. You may also be qualified for legal aid; that's worth looking into.

Any man that was serious about seeing his child - and not you - would be taking the proper legal measures: requesting to establish paternity, going through the courts. You wouldn't just get a mysterious e-mail out of the blue hinting at some "suggestion you might be interested in". But you see, he won't do all of that stuff legally, because not only would he have to start paying child support, he would owe you BACK child support; a very hefty sum at this point, I would imagine. So don't forget that you have this major ball in your court; if he starts getting pushy, don't be afraid to use it, and better yet to have a lawyer send him a letter saying that. (Because you know what? If it came to court, he could very well have to pay your legal fees, as well. All stuff worth asking about in a one-time consultation.)

Sounds like he's just got a "wild hair", as they say, and is fishing around to see what sort of reaction he can still get from you. Don't give it to him, and don't worry too much. Just get informed.

You are all giving me very good questions to ask a lawyer. Good to know that I can go in for a consultation. I do remember going in for an initial free consultation over a divorce (different man) I went through about 10 years ago. The lawyer answered most of my questions pretty easily.

Unfortunately in my state, a man does not owe back child support if paternity is not established. If paternity is established, he will have to pay support from the point that it is established, but nothing from the past three years. I did ask that question once when I went in to a free legal clinic. I was hoping I could sort of bank on that the longer he didn't pay, but they said no, it doesn't work that way.

I will definitely ask about him paying my legal fees if it does go to court. That would be a pretty good ace in the hole for being able to find a lawyer at least. I can't even believe I am talking about these things. It literally makes me want to vomit. I was trying to eat lunch a little while ago, and started gagging.

I just deleted my MySpace page, although it said that I had had no visitors since 1/1/2009, which is a good thing, although I haven't put any pics up there since way before that. It is gone though. I am wondering about Facebook though. It is such an easy way to connect with all of my friends, and I have deleted many of them recently that I am not truly friends with. If I have all of my pictures set to "Friends only" and have my profile pic as something that is not a pic recognizable as me, would that work? Is there a back way in to see pictures in someone's profile? I have an extremely common first and last name, so I couldn't even search myself when I tried to. It came up with "more than 500" results for my name. When I put in the town I live in, nothing at all came up. No results.

One hard thing about deleting online info. My ex is a computer genius. Seriously, he is more internet savvy than anyone possibly could be. He made a fortune in an online business and is a whiz at searching for what he needs. I sort of filed that away in the back of my mind and haven't thought about it in forever. I wouldn't be surprised if he has been stalking me for the past four years, just for fun online.