Why do I treat my sister in law this way... and other things...

[Polishbabies]

I think I have some issues with the way i treat and think about my sister in law... the same thing happened with my previous would-be sister in law..

I'm going to write this post without holding back....

I'll refer to them both as present sister in laws but as of now I only have one...

they drive me crazy... but its petty little things... maybe its my own insecurities coming out so i look to their insecurities and laugh at them...

present sister in law is way too nice, you first meet her shes very nice and people like her but the more you know her the more fake she actually is... i made a cake for my daughters birthday and it didnt turn out too good, served it anyway telling people its not the greatest.. some people ate it, some didnt, it basically tasted too healthy but was definitely edible... I was proud anyway, my daughter loved it... so SIL eats it and proceeds to tell me how GREAT it is and goes on and on.. and then when she thinks I turned my head gives it to her husband...

Drives me crazy... be nice to a certain point, but dont be nice ALL the time.. if you dont like it, say you don't like it... especially in a situation like that where i announced that the cake sucked...

I think I'm focused on making her jealous... and theres this internal competition i have going on with her that keeps me going...

I love the fact that i'm thinner than her and I barely have to work at it... but I only feel that way about her.. to my friends i love giving them tips, working out with them... there is no competition...

There are too many examples to list and remember...

I make a point to make her feel bad indirectly... she has no money issues and bought a pair of rubber boots from wal mart that cost $15 for her birthday... that was the gift from her and from her husband.. please note i do NOT have high expectations for gifts from people.. i have friends who make gifts for me all the time and i love it.. and i have opposite friends too who go all out and buy expensive gifts.. no gift is better than the other... i'm simply picking on SIL here.. BIL normally is an expensive gift getter... but everytime it comes to our family they skimp out for some reason... my husband totally sees my point here about the oddness of it.. for us they give under 20$ gifts, for her side of the family they go all out... my sister in law is the main decider of these things between her and her husband and she's making a conscious decision to do this... she must be! her husband (my BIL) is kind of clueless with certain thigns and slow to pick up... my husband could easily ask him about this situation and he would look at the situation and say "yes you're right, taht is odd" and then he would talk to his wife about it but we dont want to stir anything up between them..

they renovated their bathroom and i really didnt like it... nothing special.. i looked at it and just said something along the lines of "its nice that they can have a new bathroom" without giving a direct compliment..

they bought a really stupid piece of furniture and paid a lot of money for it and my husband pretty much told his brother that it wasnt practical but its nice (this comment sounds mean but BIL and my husband are actually really really close and it wasnt mean)... BIL now regrets his purchase...

overall, BIL my husband and I all have a great relationship together.. he regularly comes over and we hang out the three of us.. SIL cant because of her work schedule.. but when she does its a lot more awkward and she cant take a joke, shes too polite... etc etc...

I really dont like her and wish she would disappear... except she's not...

I think this problem must stem from how i was brought up or maybe i have a self esteem issue, I dont know.... but as much as I get enjoyment out of this internal battle i'm having with her, its driving me even more nuts everyday.. maybe i'm making myself feel better by laughing at other peoples faults? I also do this with other people i dont like just not as often... SIL is kind of always in the conversations and I see her often enough that shes my target...

Why am I like this and how do I stop? I hope someone can say something to ease my mind or suggest some self help book to read.....

Thanks in advance!

[EFmom]

You don't have to like everyone, family members included. Dh and I both have huge families, and I have a slew of in-laws. Some of my SILs and BILs I love to death but can barely stand to be in the same room with some of them for five minutes.

I suspect that some of them don't like me, either. Fine with me.

The thing is, we're all civil to each other and interact politely when we need to. That, to me, is what counts.

What I see in your post that's a little strange is that you clearly don't like the woman, but whenever she does anything that indicates that you are maybe not her favorite person (like the gifts), you seem offended.

I guess if it were me, I'd try to get a little distance. Don't spend so much time with her, and try not to think about her so much.

[Polishbabies]

Hi EFmom... thanks for replying so quick... its taken me a while to finally sit down and write this post and its great to receive any kind of feedback...

I dont think i'm offended by the gift thing.. more baffled... i guess i'm a bit ticked that my BIL doesnt notice this and do something about it... wake up brother in law, you married a monster! ... he spends tons of time with our kids (which is what counts) but he's just blind to her behaviour and i guess thats what bothers me... if that makes sense... its just funny because when she was away one time for a month (during my birthday month), he went out and got me a gift which was obviously his pick and he spent a good amount on it... and he always picks out the gift for his brother, rather than her, and also spends a good amount.. this makes me sound so materialistic, but i'm really not...

i guess looking at it in a different way she probably doesnt like me, which is fine... and maybe shes doing the same to me as i am doing to her... i wonder how obvious i'm being to her...

i probably should try not to think about her but i really dont know how to stop.. i generally do keep my distance but its not always possible... i can be nice to her easily, but i want my motivation to be nice to her to be be for the reason that i'm a nice person... not just to be nice to her so i can make fun of her in my head...

[RiverSky]

What sort of gifts do you give to your SIL? I know that the "amount" of money I spend on gifts to others (if I am on a tight budget at the moment) is sometimes similar to what they tend to spend on us. Perhaps she is just trying not to upstage you, because she finds her relationship with you very tumultuous and iffy and she is desperately trying to keep it even-keeled.

I read your post with great interest, because I am the SIL that my husband's sisters hate (and one SIL, too). For over 5 years of being married to him, I had done nothing but be uber-nice, kind, giving, helpful, friendly, anything I could be to try to navigate their family politics (which were completely different from anything I had experienced before). It was clear, early on, that my 4 of my SILs never wanted to hear one word about me, so when I was with them, I would let them talk, talk, talk and I would just nod, smile, support and be friendly and all I would get back would be things like you describe (sort of). Some things I remember clearly are one SIL getting angry at me saying I had a tight butt and how it pissed her off...I was baffled, because I thought she had a very nice figure and it had never occurred to me to be competitive with anyone over our bodies. Another time, I mentioned to my SIL that I had forgotten to bring the latest portraits of my children that I had set aside for her, and she raised her voice, got angry at me and started yelling that I gave her so much pressure to give me photos of her children....when that hadn't occurred to me at all! Numerous times, two of my husband's sisters told me that they felt that I (and 2 other of their brothers' wives) had "stolen their brothers away from them.

Do you feel like your SIL has somehow taken your brother away from you?

[MariaMadly]

You mentioned wondering about whether you have a self-esteem issue, but I also wonder if your SIL might not? She sounds as though she might feel kind of insecure.

I don't really have much wisdom to offer, though -- DH and I are both onlies. The one thing I can say that saves my sanity re MIL is that I work on the parts I can control, and I let go of needing much of anything from her.

[Polishbabies]

MariaMadly... yes i'm sure she has some self esteem issues... and instead of looking at her issues i just laugh at it.. and use it in my power... i really think that these issues stem from me...

RiverSky... so glad to read your post! yes i do feel that sister in law has taken away brother in law in a way.. i think he deserves better, and i KNOW i'm not the only one who thinks so... before they got married i know BIL wanted kids.. and SIL seemed to as well.. they wanted to wait 5 years.. well several years passed and they kept saying "in 5 years" and then suddenly SIL said they might not want kids to which BIL looked baffled.. and then it changed to "we're going to adopt".. and now BIL seems to want kids again, and SIL who knows... so that being said, i think SIL is not right for BIL and she has teken him away...

i'm sorry that you're going thru all that with your family.. i guess i'm technically just like the people that are doing it to you... ... maybe we can help each other out...

as for the gifts i give my SIL... the way we do gifts is we spend at least around 50 per person, or more dependign on what we're getting... she was the first one to do this low blow gift... its interesting what you said about her potentially trying to keep it even keeled... it could be the case..

one thing that may or may not be relevant to you that is true in my case... you said you were being uber-nice to all of your family members.. perhaps its like my SIL also is being too nice... in my case SIL is of different nationality... there are others within the family that are of different nationality but nothing is wrong there... but maybe her nationality and her upbrining is so different from our upbringing... she was probably raised to be polite whereas our family and husbands family were raised to be nice but also they dont have problems saying something rude here or there (not about here, just in general) or making fun of people.. whereas she would say "thats not nice"... that to me is a huge difference when you look at it...

i think i just think that i'm better than SIL and i dont want her to think in any way that she is better than me or i think of her as any better... if she looked like she was losing a bit of weight i would not say anything for example... i wouldnt let her know i noticed... i'm so twisted...

[choli]

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

I make a point to make her feel bad indirectly... she has no money issues and bought a pair of rubber boots from wal mart that cost $15 for her birthday... that was the gift from her and from her husband.. please note i do NOT have high expectations for gifts from people.. i have friends who make gifts for me all the time and i love it.. and i have opposite friends too who go all out and buy expensive gifts.. no gift is better than the other... i'm simply picking on SIL here.. BIL normally is an expensive gift getter... but everytime it comes to our family they skimp out for some reason... my husband totally sees my point here about the oddness of it.. for us they give under 20$ gifts, for her side of the family they go all out... my sister in law is the main decider of these things between her and her husband and she's making a conscious decision to do this... she must be! her husband (my BIL) is kind of clueless with certain thigns and slow to pick up... my husband could easily ask him about this situation and he would look at the situation and say "yes you're right, taht is odd" and then he would talk to his wife about it but we dont want to stir anything up between them..

they renovated their bathroom and i really didnt like it... nothing special.. i looked at it and just said something along the lines of "its nice that they can have a new bathroom" without giving a direct compliment..

they bought a really stupid piece of furniture and paid a lot of money for it and my husband pretty much told his brother that it wasnt practical but its nice (this comment sounds mean but BIL and my husband are actually really really close and it wasnt mean)... BIL now regrets his purchase...

Could it be that you are jealous of their financial situation?

[Polishbabies]

No we're about equal.. i think ours is even a bit more..nothing significatn..

[EFmom]

I'd try to stay out of their relationship completely. You may not think she's good enough for BIL, but what you think is irrelevant. If he loves her, that's what matters. Expecting him to worry about what kind of gift she gave you is not going to be satisfying. He loves her, and in my experience, men tend not to think about this kind of thing.

I'm not seeing at all that she's "a monster." But maybe I don't know all your history with her. What has she done that is especially cruel or evil to you, other than not spend a fortune on gifts and marry your BIL? It sounds to me from what you've said that she's trying to be polite to you--is that a crime?

I've got a SIL and BIL who give the world's worst Christmas presents. He is a dermatologist and she's a PhD molecular biologist. For about five years running, they would give us gifts like a single dollar store dish towel, while we, who make much less $$$, would try to come up with nice, thoughtful gifts that cost much more. I'll admit, it bugged me.

Then I realized life is too short. I got my husband to agree to stop exchanging gifts at all with his sibs and their families. It's much better all around, although BIL and SIL complained initially.

[savannah smiles]

It sounds like this SIL has become a "negative center" for you, meaning someone that your life revolves around (be it in a big way or a small way) in only negative ways. I had a friend like this in high school and the best thing was when the relationship finally died from neglect (on my end). Of course, she's a family member so you can only disconnect from her so much.

You sound pretty miserable and it seems that she brings out the worst in you which is unfortunate. Good luck in making an inner attitude change, because that's probably what's going to have to happen. ((hugs))

[velochic]

OK - she's married to your husband's brother, right? If so, then she's not your SIL. She's your BIL's wife. Not family at all, even by marriage. Perhaps if you can think of her as a FRIEND, rather than family, i.e. someone you have a moral obligation to be close with/nice to, then you can see her good qualities and appreciate them rather than feel animosity toward her. You said that you don't have these feelings about your friends, so perhaps if you put her into that category, you can change your attitude about her. It can start with just a small attitude adjustment. You don't have to change overnight.

[neetling]

My brother's wife has cut him off from our entire family. She had him unjustly arrested for domestic abuse and he still went back to her. She lies, is vicious and in the event that he ever brings her around again, is not allowed around my children. I do not doubt that she would physically attack me. She's threatened to before.

She freaked out when I got married and called my house calling me the C word and other things. Because we sent them an invitation. We were talking at that point.

She's really insecure and cannot handle my brother having close relationships outside of their marriage.

She had systematically cut off everyone he is close to. She hates me the most (I stand up to her and my brother and I were close once upon a time) then she hates my mother next and then everyone else is kind of lumped together.

You SIL didn't STEAL your BIL. He chose to marry and be with her.

I respect my brother's decision to stay with his wife even though I completely disagree with it. It means that he and I have basically no relationship. He is not allowed by her to have contact with our family and I don't pursue him. It's his choice. I think it's a bad one, but I can only protect myself and my family from her actions. I used to blame her, because he's so passive and she runs his life, but I have come to see that he accepts this to the point of being willing to give up on the rest of us.

I think you need counseling. You seem to be getting a charge from being mean because she's different from you. I hope you get some help or just be as polite to her as she tries to be with you. You don't want BIL to cut your family off because you are mean to his wife. (I KNOW my husband would cut people out of they were awful to me or our children)

[neetling]

I wanted to add that I really think you need to examine your feelings towards your BIL if you had this problem with someone else he was involved with. Sure I can see not liking everyone and having an opinion and a preference, but this seems to go further than that. You specifically said you feel like these women are stealing your BIL.

The SIL I spoke about in my previous post behaved with me as if she was jealous of me the way a new girlfriend might be jealous of an old girlfriend that the boyfriend was still friends with. She really couldn't handle my brother and I having any sort of close contact at all. She behaved like I was the other woman. It was definitely weird for me.

[BookGoddess]

Originally Posted by velochic

OK - she's married to your husband's brother, right? If so, then she's not your SIL. She's your BIL's wife. Not family at all, even by marriage.

I don't understand this. She is family. She's not a blood relative true enough, but the OP's husband's brother's wife is still part of the larger family group.

And I've never heard that a husband's brother's wife isn't a SIL.



http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sister-in-law

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister-in-law

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by neetling

I wanted to add that I really think you need to examine your feelings towards your BIL if you had this problem with someone else he was involved with. Sure I can see not liking everyone and having an opinion and a preference, but this seems to go further than that. You specifically said you feel like these women are stealing your BIL.

.

You said in your 1st post there were two SILs. The first was also someone who was with your BIL before he married his current wife? If so, I definitely agree with the PP, you need to examine your feelings about him. Based on what you've said, I don't see any "monster" behaviour coming from the SIL, nor anything to suggest she's beneath you or BIL.

A few questions to ponder, and forgive me for being straightforward (but you did put this out there): how do you relate to men in general? Do you need to be the centre of attention? How are your relationships with other women? Do you have other couple friends, or are they mostly singles? Do you have many female friends, or mostly men? You also mentioned she's of a different nationality. Any problems with that?

The feeling I get from reading your post is that you're insecure. Just in general, maybe, or perhaps as it specifically relates to your BIL. I could be wrong of course, but when you talk about wanting to make her feel jealous and bad in other ways, that kind of behaviour usually results from feeling inadequate, not from feeling better than.

I think it's good that you're being honest, and looking at what YOU can do to change, not just expecting her to change. Or go away.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by BookGoddess

I don't understand this. She is family. She's not a blood relative true enough, but the OP's husband's brother's wife is still part of the larger family group.

And I've never heard that a husband's brother's wife isn't a SIL.



http://www.thefreedictionary.com/sister-in-law

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister-in-law

Sorry... where I work I have spent a lot of time in the Genealogy Department and that's how they classify in-laws. Likewise, the man my husband's sister is married to is not my BIL. If you notice in the link you gave me it explains that the more proper term is actually co-sisters-in-law, although SIL is used (obviously). Genealogically, SIL is incorrect (based on how it was explained to me by our historian).

I was trying to help the OP look at her "SIL" from a different perspective to help her change her attitude toward her. If she doesn't consider her "family" then perhaps she can think of her in a different light.

ETA: If you look at this link here, it explains that a spouse's sibling's spouse is "accepted by The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (Third Edition, 1992), but not by all authorities." For example, I believe the Collins dictionary doesn't include the BIL's wife as SIL.

[windsorheightsmom]

Apologies in advance if this offends you, but are you secretly/subconsciously attracted to this brother in law? Why are you so focused on things to dislike about both of his wives?

Even if I am totally off-base, please work on spending less energy finding reasons to be annoyed with your SIL. My sister is always taking offense at every little thing our SIL (our brother's wife) does. The SIL isn't my favorite person either, but it isn't worth getting so competitive and irritable about your SIL. Life's too short.

[Areia]

Originally Posted by neetling

I think you need counseling. You seem to be getting a charge from being mean because she's different from you. I hope you get some help or just be as polite to her as she tries to be with you. You don't want BIL to cut your family off because you are mean to his wife. (I KNOW my husband would cut people out of they were awful to me or our children)

I agree with the above. I honestly think your reaction to your SIL is really extreme. Hopefully, a counselor will help you find the cause of your feelings and how to move beyond them. Other than that, I would just, as some have suggested, keep your distance (do you really have to see her all that often?) and try to focus on your own interests, family, etc.

I also just wanted to say regarding their decision to have children. You don't know what's going in their relationship (even if you think you do. People often keep difficulties in this area very private). I have a good friend I've known for nearly 20 years. Just like your in-laws, at first they planned to wait a while after marriage to have kids, then they decided they didn't want any. I didn't know until last year that they were having problems getting pregnant and they would rather say they didn't want kids then have people pitying them.

It seems like you like to dig at your SIL, but keep in mind that by doing that, you are also hurting your BIL.

[Polishbabies]

Thanks so much for your replies!

My previous "would-be" sister in law was actually in my previous relationship.. so not in relation to my BIL...

BIL and I get along great when SIL is not around... husband feels the same... I guess from reading all yours posts I've realized that I just dont like to be around her because you have to be so careful what you say because she takes offense to certain things... She hasnt really done anything wrong, I admitted that from the start, its definitely a ME issue and I dont expect her to change... i think we're probably both insecure in our own ways...

I'm not out to improve her, I'm out to improve myself.. some of your comments have really helped... I will have to try to stop overdoing all my thoughts and not take so much pleasure in bashing her constantly.. I think what I will try to do is just small talk with her where I HAVE TO and focus more conversation on my BIL or whoever else is around... I'm even antsy around my BIL when she's around so i'll try to pretend like she's not there when I talk to him.. at first it will be very conscious and hopefully it will build into a habit and these negative thoughts will go away or at least subside most of the time! its does drive me crazy sometimes and that is why i'm trying to change...

savannah smiles... i like what you said about chaning my inner attitude... that sums it up nicely...

Annie Mac.. I really like what you said that I'm probably insecure from feeling inadequate and thats why this behaviour may be brought on, not because i think I am better.... thoughts like this have passed my mind before but seeing it written down like that really brought it to light... its obvious that i need to focus my energies on improving myself MORE so I have less energy to focus on other things like this...

I'm still wondering if anyone has any book suggestions.. I like reading self help books and wondering if theres anything out there that could help...

thanks for all of your honest and straightforward answers!

[zipworth]

I get like this sometimes with other women, and to me it is a signal to disengage from the relationship. It's like all the things I don't want to be start rising to the surface around this other woman. I don't know why this doesn't happen with men? Anyway, I find myself being competitive, and petty, and mean in my thoughts about this other person. I really don't like turning into a 'mean girl' or a bully, so I cut myself off from them. I don'tdo it in a way that would hurt their feelings-I just try to focus more on people and things that I feel good about. Sometimes I find that something is missing from my own life that is causing me to see others as some sort of scapegoat for my negativity. That is never a good thing. I want to fill my head with good things, not crappy things about other people.

Sometmes relationships with certain people can start to bring out the worst in me, and I try to avoid that in a respectful way. I really doesn't do anybody any good.