Why do I treat my sister in law this way... and other things... - Page 2

[remo]

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

MariaMadly... yes i'm sure she has some self esteem issues... and instead of looking at her issues i just laugh at it.. and use it in my power... i really think that these issues stem from me...

RiverSky... so glad to read your post! yes i do feel that sister in law has taken away brother in law in a way.. i think he deserves better, and i KNOW i'm not the only one who thinks so... before they got married i know BIL wanted kids.. and SIL seemed to as well.. they wanted to wait 5 years.. well several years passed and they kept saying "in 5 years" and then suddenly SIL said they might not want kids to which BIL looked baffled.. and then it changed to "we're going to adopt".. and now BIL seems to want kids again, and SIL who knows... so that being said, i think SIL is not right for BIL and she has teken him away...

i'm sorry that you're going thru all that with your family.. i guess i'm technically just like the people that are doing it to you... ... maybe we can help each other out...

as for the gifts i give my SIL... the way we do gifts is we spend at least around 50 per person, or more dependign on what we're getting... she was the first one to do this low blow gift... its interesting what you said about her potentially trying to keep it even keeled... it could be the case..

one thing that may or may not be relevant to you that is true in my case... you said you were being uber-nice to all of your family members.. perhaps its like my SIL also is being too nice... in my case SIL is of different nationality... there are others within the family that are of different nationality but nothing is wrong there... but maybe her nationality and her upbrining is so different from our upbringing... she was probably raised to be polite whereas our family and husbands family were raised to be nice but also they dont have problems saying something rude here or there (not about here, just in general) or making fun of people.. whereas she would say "thats not nice"... that to me is a huge difference when you look at it...

i think i just think that i'm better than SIL and i dont want her to think in any way that she is better than me or i think of her as any better... if she looked like she was losing a bit of weight i would not say anything for example... i wouldnt let her know i noticed... i'm so twisted...

Tell me what she should do to piss you off? The reason I am asking is that my SIL is exactly like you. She is very competitive. We have very different background, grew up in different countries so I don't see her as competition at all. She keeps bothering us writing letters to her brother that he ignores her family. But every time we visit she bitches at her brother non stop. When she gave birth to her son she blew up to about 300 lbs. We came to visit her and her son at hospital. She sees us in the doorway and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is "PIG". It is just one of hundred incidents. The woman has a problem.

[April411]

I'm sorry to sound rude but reading your posts you seem very childish. Did you post so that you can figure out how to stop this behavior, because it doesn't sound like you really want to. You asked "why do I treat SIL this way" but proceed to call her a monster and say that you think you're better than her. It sounds to me like you're jealous and you are just looking for ways to cut her down.

[Polishbabies]

Originally Posted by April411

I'm sorry to sound rude but reading your posts you seem very childish. Did you post so that you can figure out how to stop this behavior, because it doesn't sound like you really want to. You asked "why do I treat SIL this way" but proceed to call her a monster and say that you think you're better than her. It sounds to me like you're jealous and you are just looking for ways to cut her down.

Simply because I didn't want to be fake.. the point of my post was to write what my goal was and then write it in a way that I was actually thinking day to day...

[TTC]

The only good thing about your post is that it says you want to change, that gives me hope. You sound exactly like my SIL. She used to be so nice, but now it's like her evil side is popping up. She hates that I'm polite and nice and tries to push my buttons all the time. She writes immature but mean things on Facebook to try to get a reaction from me (I have blocked all her comments little does she know so I have no idea what she's posting any more). She is very fake and when she acts nice to me in front of others I know now it is fake. I see her as a big bully and have cut as much contact with her as humanly possible but I doubt she has any intentions on changing. Maybe you purposely made the cake bad so you would get her to say how awful it is, and then you'd be posting about how mean she is, but no matter how much you try to sabotage her she is a nice person and it brings out all the bad in you and highlights your negative features in contrast so you just hate it. That's how I feel my SIL feels about me so I just felt seriously it was her posting this at first Don't think she's in the dark about how you really feel about her. I'm sure my SIL THINKS I am dumb and that I fall for her fake charms when I know she's a snake.

[Polishbabies]

Originally Posted by TTC

The only good thing about your post is that it says you want to change, that gives me hope. You sound exactly like my SIL. She used to be so nice, but now it's like her evil side is popping up. She hates that I'm polite and nice and tries to push my buttons all the time. She writes immature but mean things on Facebook to try to get a reaction from me (I have blocked all her comments little does she know so I have no idea what she's posting any more). She is very fake and when she acts nice to me in front of others I know now it is fake. I see her as a big bully and have cut as much contact with her as humanly possible but I doubt she has any intentions on changing. Maybe you purposely made the cake bad so you would get her to say how awful it is, and then you'd be posting about how mean she is, but no matter how much you try to sabotage her she is a nice person and it brings out all the bad in you and highlights your negative features in contrast so you just hate it. That's how I feel my SIL feels about me so I just felt seriously it was her posting this at first Don't think she's in the dark about how you really feel about her. I'm sure my SIL THINKS I am dumb and that I fall for her fake charms when I know she's a snake.

Since originally writing my first post i've actually just started to focus on improving myself... i KNOW that my SIL has done nothing wrong... we're just not compatible as being buddy-buddy with each other because of our differing personalities... I don't go as far as to write things on FB to get reactions, but I might do something in person, say something to tick her off for example... but not in a mean way... It actually helps that you said that your SIL thinks you are dumb but you know she's a snake... I wouldnt be surprised if my SIL thinks the same of me and you saying that actually makes me realize it and makes me want to change more... I think because I know her fairly well now after knowing her for 3 years I just have to focus on treating her as if i had just met her (without any pre-existing negative feelings) because the longer time has gone on the more she has annoyed me.... thanks for you post

[TTC]

Thanks for not taking my post the wrong way. I was only being honest and sharing the other side of the fence. I think that's great you're working on yourself, the thought that you even want to is a huge step. I can't imagine my SIL being in that state of mind! It's probably hard and might take a while so don't be so hard on yourself. I'd be willing to like my SIL again the moment she changes

[*bejeweled*]

I think that you're very brave to be questioning yourself and your intentions.

Just wondering, are you attracted to your brother in law? It seems that you like the attention that you get from being the only woman when it's just you and your husband and brother in law together.

[Jane91]

"Just wondering, are you attracted to your brother in law? It seems that you like the attention that you get from being the only woman when it's just you and your husband and brother in law together."

I think two woman can have a power-struggle over a man without there necessarily being an element of attraction.

My husband can be opinionated and can sometimes take some convincing on things (very different from my Dad who is a "okay, honey" sort of guy, so quite a change for me). He loves and respects his sister. Sometimes when I'm working on a particular point with him, she sticks her oar in (for example saying sleep-training is okay for a 6 week old per Dr. Ferber, when that isn't even the correct age for Feberization much less the approach I wanted to use) and a major power-struggle results.

[lalaland42]

You treat your SIL this way because you have given yourself permission to be mean. Just stop. Next time you want to dig at her, stop yourself and ask WWMRD? (What Would Mr. Rogers Do) I am pretty sure he wouldn't do whatever you are about to do.

And get a therapist.

[marybethorama]

So your SIL is too nice, might have pretended to like the cake when she didn't, and didn't spend enough money on your gift. Meanwhile you write:

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\

I think I'm focused on making her jealous... and theres this internal competition i have going on with her that keeps me going...

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\I make a point to make her feel bad indirectly...

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\.. my husband could easily ask him about this situation and he would look at the situation and say "yes you're right, taht is odd" and then he would talk to his wife about it but we dont want to stir anything up between them..

I'd say you are stirring things up between them by acting the way you are.

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\they renovated their bathroom and i really didnt like it... nothing special.. i looked at it and just said something along the lines of "its nice that they can have a new bathroom" without giving a direct compliment..

Nice.

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\they bought a really stupid piece of furniture and paid a lot of money for it and my husband pretty much told his brother that it wasnt practical but its nice (this comment sounds mean but BIL and my husband are actually really really close and it wasnt mean)... BIL now regrets his purchase...

Was this at all any of your concern?

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\I really dont like her and wish she would disappear... except she's not...

She's not married to you.

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\SIL is kind of always in the conversations and I see her often enough that shes my target...

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

\Why am I like this and how do I stop? I hope someone can say something to ease my mind or suggest some self help book to read.....

What you've written is really disturbing. I'd suggest professional help and leaving your SIL alone for a while.

[SneakyPie]

This is just terrible, rude behavior. I don't really care about your process of figuring out your own motives - I just hope you report that you have knocked it off. Adults don't treat each other the way you have described. Adults behave the way your SIL does - kindly and nicely in a family environment, even in the face of unprovoked ugly treatment.

Of course, there is always the possibility that your actions seem obvious only to you, and SIL just takes it all with a grain of salt. If you really behave the way you are claiming you do, I doubt she looks up to you in any way or seeks your approval. It's more likely that she feels pity for your inexplicable actions, and keeps the peace as one would with a v. young child (pre-impulse-control) b/c there is no reasoning with the kind of non-adult behavior you are describing.

[maliceinwonderland]

If I were in your shoes I would definitely try to talk it out in some kind of therapy. Living like that can't be very fulfilling and I imagine your partner has noticed your behavior, even if you think you're very secretive about it and is probably mortified.

You sound a lot like a person in my own family. Everyone is completely aware of her antics, adults are generally quite good at picking out passive aggressive behavior. We don't think ill of her, because it's obviously stemming from her own insecurities, but we do have a good chuckle about some mean things she's done when she's not around. I wouldn't worry about your sil, she sounds quite stable and is probably well aware of what you're doing/thinking. If anything, I would think she just feels sorry for you.

But I would definitely get some help for yourself. Being you doesn't sound like much fun.

HTH!

[mystic~mama]

I've had some similar feelings to what you describe for some women sometimes.......

I want to say that some of the PP's I found mean and lacking in understanding and empathy.

I've been in therapy for awhile now and I know when I get those feelings it is mostly coming from me but i also know that we interact energetically with people as well and i've started to notice them when people have some similar issues to you there can be some weird energy sometimes......

I do not think you are a bad person at all. I think it is good you are working on it.....and being aware of it.

and i really do think it is crappy for people to give you a hard time about it.....humans are complex and stuff comes up...that's life.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by Polishbabies

I think I'm focused on making her jealous.

I love the fact that i'm thinner than her and I barely have to work at it

I make a point to make her feel bad indirectly

I really dont like her and wish she would disappear... except she's not...

...maybe i'm making myself feel better by laughing at other peoples faults? I also do this with other people i dont like just not as often... SIL is kind of always in the conversations and I see her often enough that shes my target...

Why am I like this and how do I stop? I hope someone can say something to ease my mind or suggest some self help book to read.....

As hard as some of those things are to read....I think your being honest about your thoughts/motives is a wonderful start.

I think if you could catch yourself when you start to compete, pick on, target her, etc and go in a different direction that would help you. Maybe she knows you are doing these things and chooses to be kind to you in response. She may not be as clueless as you think. She may be hoping for genuine friendship with you. I do not think you will see her heart and her value until you go in a different direction with her.


Good luck! I admire your honesty and desire for more.