best way to react to aggressive behavior

[quietserena]

DD1 is 3 3/4, DD2 is 18 months, DD3 is a mere week old. This post is not about her.

It's my eldest one, in the past few months she has started to throw things (toys, cups, food, whatever is handy really), to push her younger sister, to hit etc. and it only seems to have escalated in the past week. Also, suddenly having her middle sister in the room with her is an issue and she has taken to shoving and yelling "Go!" and signing it so her, in an attempt to get her to leave. Now DD2 does it too, just imitating. What happened to my sweet child?

Particularly the throwing, she could be in the middle of building a castle and suddenly I see a block flying. I started with "We don't throw things in this house." a few months back, but lately it has degenerated into yelling "Hey, no throwing!" because I'm so frustrated with her. Same thing with "Please be gentle with your sister, give her a hug if you like" for every incident of pushing has become a blanket "No pushing!". Surely there is a better way!

I'm losing myself and have started to send her to her room because she is not nice to be around. I feel like this is not a very good approach and the punitive nature of it just makes me cringe. I don't want to be a time out parent!

I have tried explaining (if you throw blocks you could hurt me or your sisters or your daddy) and I feel like she doesn't respond to that at all. It's almost like this consequence means nothing to her and me being clocked in the head with a wooden block doesn't phase her at all. I'm honestly concerned about a younger one or the cat being hurt since we have quite a few wooden toys.

I know the world has changed quite a bit in the last week but I honestly thought she would love the fact that my husband is home and she gets to see him every day. But she has been acting out so much that even the daddy said that he isn't enjoying her company very much. She seems to do ok if he takes her out by herself but as soon as they come back home, the hitting and pushing starts again.

I feel like her father and I now have this terrible relationship with her because we are constantly trying to prevent yet another block being thrown instead of enjoying our time with her. That's really the issue I suppose. I want to enjoy my kid, not guard her!

I considered putting all the toys away but I have another kid around so while we did put a lot away, not all can be. Besides, she doesn't seem to care *what* it is that she is throwing, and there will always be some things around.

Thank you for letting me vent and I'm open to ideas, oh wise people of MDC.

[sweetkid]

Wow you are busy!!
My own dd is 3 and 3/4 also and ds is 9 months.
I am addicted to the Natural Child Project website, its articles are easy to read and remind me of the parent I really strive to be. I highly recommend it!!
Your dd is likely wanting to define her role in the family and doesn't know how to do it. I would give her alot of descriptive language about her behavior and empower her to speak about her feelings, also I'd get myself to the store and purchase a buttload of those cheap grocery store plastic balls like 6 or 10, put them in a laundry basket and make them hers for throwing anywhere, anytime. We have no plastic toys at home BUT really in this case I'd say, you are doing great with ostly wood a bit of plastic to help your thrower recover her balance is not going to be too much. I think playtime with just you (even with babe in carrier but sleeping)doing whatever the heck she wants to do would benefit you both tremendously. Tell her its her time and you willl play whatever she'd like for x amount of time then just go for it.DD is not at all aggressive with her brother but she can be incredably annoyiung and rude and we try to use statements about our family value system instead of almost anything else! "we do not push in this family" "We are a gentle family".
It is so exhausting those first few months I remember tham from the not so distant past, i hope Dad is home for a few more weeks!

[janasmama]

I read something here awhile ago that read something like this....(I'm paraphrasing) "We are not trying to get our children to listen to us the first time. Our discipline is an investment of time, not an attempt to control." And this still applies even when siblings can be hurt my older siblings.

You are in a vulnerable time with a one-week old. I imagine that you are nursing a ton and holding the baby, making your arms full of a delicate body.

It may take time but if you can realize it sooner than later I think that accepting that you cannot attachment parent (i.e. nurse on demand, hold the baby all the time, cuddle your 18 month old, etc.) and be 100% to all your children all the time if you are the main caregiver all alone.

When I realized this I decided I had to do one of two things. Either pretend to not see certain things happen so that I could maintain my own sanity and relationship with my children or decide that making the baby break a latch or cry was worth it.

3.5 is a hard age with transitions all their own. What is happening is not unusual and will fade with a bit of time. In the meantime you can maybe try using phrases like, "please use your words to share your feelings so I can try to help you." and maybe even have her do a redo but usually I don't try to aggravate the situation. Hold tight mama and maintain a cool, calm composure.

[quietserena]

Thank you for your support ladies!

Yes, nursing a lot, tandem nursing in fact so there is always a child at the boob. The big one gets her turn too but she has mostly forgotten the latch and doesn't find that she gets milk reliably so nursing isnt very pleasurable for her. Or me! The nipple is not a straw!

I had a good day with her yesterday. I made a deal with my husband, good food for the day, and meals on time and this helps a lot. Plus, we made a conscious effort to excuse her aggressive behaviors and treat her gently, redirect and such and it made a difference. She definitely reacts in an aggressive manner when we are harsh with her. Incidents of throwing where there but there were fewer of them.

Now, I just gotta keep that up. It is exhausting in some ways, I know she is looking for more attention and it seems it needs to come from *me*. It's funny, I thought my middle one would be the one acting out but I guess because she gets to nurse all is well.

[bonamarq]

Wow - as a pp said, three is tough all on it's own and your hands are SO FULL -I agree with the one that said try to ignore as much as you can - if she is doing much of this for attention, and you don't give it, then that behavior should stop - eventually (remember sometimes it gets worse before it gets better) and when you can't ignore it, try giving the victim (cat, dd2,) all the empathy and attention and I would calmly remove (for "a while") the wood items she's thrown and just say "we need to keep everyone safe" She already KNOWS throwing is not okay, even if she doesn't have the impulse control to stop herself...

If she's throwing out of anger or frustration then she NEEDS a substitute - the plastic balls a good idea - and I love the soft squishy ones meant for waterplay....

Sometimes when a child is about to throw/or hit in anger I immediately get all playful and "assume" they were about to play catch or give a high five- pre-emptively redirecting the behavior and showing the child I assume the best in them....(hard to do with a child at the boob tho)


During the times where you can let DD1 be "in charge" and give her your undivided attention (even if just for 10 minutes) use playful parenting techniques to let her feel powerful and in control - my dd LOVED a game called "you can't get by me" - our house had a perfect narrow passage that I tried to block her from but she always "won" - just barely - I found those kinds of games at that age really helped her be more cooperative over all....


good luck

[quietserena]

So true, so true! Ty bonamarq!

She spent two nights at the grandparents house and I *hoped* she would come back having missed us but, no. she didnt want to come back at all and it appears we are to pay... Kicking and pushing within minutes of walking into the house.

However, we let her do something fun (blow up pool on the deck) and I caught her in an agreeable moment so we read books for a while and we seem to have reconnected.

I'm a little worried because she seems to have found a focal point for her frustration, and sadly it is DD2. The way things are going, I see trying to break up a slap fight within days. The dad and I agreed that basically we have to keep them separated as much as we can for a while to protect DD2. Not all the time really but in particular in moments of stress. We'll see how things go.

[Enudely]

we've had simaler issues with dd1 (4) and her 16 m.o brother. I have a flat out rule. If she pushes or hits, she gets taken to her room. I don't see it as a punishment, but a way to keep her brother safe, and bring home the importance of kindness to others.
I just read The Secret of Parenting and it ROCKS. I know you probably don't have much time to read right now though!

I think that with other behaviors, it works to turn a blind eye, with hitting or being aggressive, the behaviour needs to be addressed every single time.

Trying to get the good times in there has helped a lot, also getting her brother out of her way or reminding her that she can ask for help if he is bugging her.

Good luck! Don't be too hard on yourself for yelling "no throwing things!" etc. Sometimes the way we really feel is the best form of discipline.