7yo ds is the "target" for neighborhood kids :(

[CeraMae]

I am a single mother in low-income housing. I am white and 99% of the residents are hispanic. DS is an only child raised in a very loving (to the point of probably being sheltered) home, and just does not know how to take criticism from other kids. It pierces straight through to his soul, and it hurts him. We talk a lot about not taking things personally, letting it bounce off, and wearing his "armor" when he is around kids that are mean. Nevertheless, he has become the target for the (20+) neighbor kids.
There are a lot of factors. He doesn't fit in. He doesn't play the same types of games (they do a lot of gun play and chasing each other around in big groups). They do not always pick on him, but they are usually playing the type of power games that threaten him. When they do pick on him they call him a little bitch, a sissy, a pussy, a girl. It breaks my heart! For the most part I avoid things by taking him to neighborhood parks and arrange play dates with kids who like him. Or I go onto the playground at our apartment complex and do my homework while he plays so that I can provide a presence. But if he goes outside to play without me (which he totally should be able to do) he gets harassed within minutes.
Now he has gotten angry and defensive toward the kids who pick on him, and he is becoming more aggressive. The kids will start provoking him until he gets angry, and he will lash out at them. Then they all run to me or their parents and call him a bully. He's devistated. The other parents think my kid is a monster, and there is a language barrier that prevents me from being able to communicate with anyone at all.
I feel totally powerless. I try to work with him about not losing his temper, I try to role play with him, etc. Aside from that I don't know what to do.

Any Suggestions???

[mom2happy]

I dont know if this is the right advice, but Ill try.

I would tell him to feel sorry for these children that dont have parents that can teach them the right way to act. They are going to have a hard life.
There home life is probably not so great like your d/s is... you get the idea?

My daughter is 7 and there is a bully in her class that says mean things.
It took half the year for her not to get upset about it.
When I started telling her the reasons why this girl might be acting like that and how that behavior is going to ruin things for her- it helped her to not take it so personally.
Now she can shrug it off and even laugh about the ridiculous cruel things she says.
I told her that her mom is almost never around and that she has a big brother that picks on her...... I dont remember what else but it did help.
She still says she gets a nervous stomach when the girl comes near her, but she says she can deal with it.

[zeldamomma]

I'm sorry your son is getting picked on. I would do two things-- help him learn how to confront a kid before he explodes, and try to figure out if there are social skills he lacks that make him more of a target.

With apologies to the pp, I wouldn't tell him that the other kids have bad parents or anything else negative. What you would like is for your ds to have some friends in the neighborhood, right? Trashing the neighbors to your kid won't help that, and sooner or later he is likely to tell one of the kids what you've said, and it would only serve to make your family more isolated in the community.

Have you reached out to any of your neighbors? Tried to learn some Spanish so you could talk to the parents about what's going on?

[mama2mygirl]

Does he go to school with these children? Is it a problem there?
My dd is seven and she's never heard the words these children are calling your son. I wouldn't let her around those children. I don't see a benefit to it. I'd drive her to another park in a different area if I had to. (If you don't drive, this is more complicated.)
I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds really hard.

[nextcommercial]

The words they are using are really innapropriate for a seven year old to hear or use.

The biggest problem (besides the obvious immediate bullying) is that he will eventually become "one of them" to protect himself. If you can't beat em, join em. This is how a good kid becomes a gang member. It's sometimes inevitable. He can't hold his own against this forever.

I know it's incredibly hard... but, is there any way you can move in the next year? There must be a low income complex that doesn't have rude, hateful kids. Maybe there's a rental in a home. (over a garage or maybe someone is renting out the basement) I don't know how to go about finding that one perfect rental. Or even if it's a possibility right now. But, I'd sure try to make that a goal.

http://wondertime.go.com/learning/ar...our-child.html <--this has some good ideas to help him be bullyproof.

http://micheleborba.ivillage.com/par...f-your-ch.html

[LynnS6]

It's hard because he's been caught in a cycle -- they've picked on him, gotten a reaction and gotten a thrill out of that.

To break the cycle, a couple things need to happen. He needs to learn to be not so reactive - a hard, hard thing to learn at that age. someone on MDC posted this link: How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying, and I've found it very helpful for my reactive kid. What he needs to master is the nonchalant, "oh yeah, very very funny."

He also needs a friend/ally in the neighborhood. Are there any likely candidates? I know there is a language barrier, but if you could maybe have a one kid over one-on-one for something fun, that might help. Can you do a movie?

I would also recommend out and out bribery. Otter pops are cheap and can be distributed to the neighborhood kids on a hot summer day.

Is he in school with these kids? If so, please involve the school counselor. They may be able to tell you who's a good match for your son, set up some stuff at school (I realize school is over/almost over), and work on social skills as a group.

Finally, I hate to say it, but I think you need to be a bit more of a presence out there. Can you get a lawn chair and a book and sit at the edge to monitor things? While your son learns the skills he needs, he's going to need someone to step in.

[LavenderMae]

The names they are calling your son are so age inappropriate and just inappropriate and sexist etc in general. I wouldn't let him go outside alone while he's still being bullied. I do think you need to be present so that the bullying (and the children claiming your son bullies) will be lessened. And he should be able to go outside alone but right now it isn't safe for him so he really can't imo. I have been there with neighbor kids bully my children and I did have to just go out with them every time they wanted to play in our yard, ridiculous yes but my kids peace of mind and safety were worth it. I was so relieved to move and we have had no issue where we live now.

[Jessnet]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

The biggest problem (besides the obvious immediate bullying) is that he will eventually become "one of them" to protect himself. If you can't beat em, join em. This is how a good kid becomes a gang member. It's sometimes inevitable. He can't hold his own against this forever.

I agree that this is something important to think about.



Furthermore, the reality is that the neighborhood you live in does not promote the values you believe in and are trying to promote in your son. While it is a perfectly reasonable and rational goal to have your child be able to play outside by himself, the physical reality is that you are living in a neighborhood where this is not possible for your son because of the difference in values and behaviors.

I don’t know if it is even worth the effort to make peace with the other children, after all, do you actually want your son to be friends with those kids and adopt their way of behavior to fit in?

I would accept the fact that playing outside by himself is just not possible in your particular situation and continue to do what you are doing and look for outside playmates and playgrounds (and make moving a priority).

[sapphire_chan]

In addition to the excellent advice above, how about learning how to ask the kids "do your mothers know you use such filthy language?"

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by zeldamomma

I'm sorry your son is getting picked on. I would do two things-- help him learn how to confront a kid before he explodes, and try to figure out if there are social skills he lacks that make him more of a target.

With apologies to the pp, I wouldn't tell him that the other kids have bad parents or anything else negative. What you would like is for your ds to have some friends in the neighborhood, right? Trashing the neighbors to your kid won't help that, and sooner or later he is likely to tell one of the kids what you've said, and it would only serve to make your family more isolated in the community.

Have you reached out to any of your neighbors? Tried to learn some Spanish so you could talk to the parents about what's going on?

No offense taken at all and I totally understand what is meant here.
Maybe I didnt come accross with my thoughts clearly, but "trashing' the other parents was not my intention.

In my experience with this, it was only one child and I know the family.
I tried every different approach and my daughter still came home crying from the bus everyday. She can laugh about it a little now because the things this child says really are mean but quite ridiculous.

There is a funny book called "King of the Playground" that we got the idea to laugh about it.

I dont know what the exact scenario is, and Im sure not all 20 of these kids are saying these horrible things. Most of them probably have caring parents and they are just joining in with the ring leaders.
It also sounds like, unless he adapts to this type of play and behavior than he might not ever "fit in" with this group.
Ive never heard kids in this age group saying those words or being that mean. The fact that they will even pick on him in front of mom is also terrible behavior.
My idea was to try to turn hurt, anger, and aggression into compassion.

In my experience with children, for them to want to hurt another child- they are hurting in some way themselves.
Once this is realized in makes things easier to understand.
Id rather have my child feel sorry for a child that says terrible things to her, than to feel sad, angry, and aggressive.
At the same time, its important that they can stick up for themselves in an appropriate manner.

[Lady Mayapple]

I like another poster's idea of watching when your child is outside. We recently went to Chick Fil A and while my kids were in the play area, two older boys, maybe ages 9 and 7, came in and immediately started playing rough with my boys. The 9yo was pretending to be a monster and saying "Im gonna eat you!" and chasing my 4yo around. DS told him to stop and leave him alone, but this kid just got worse, and his little brother chimed right in, things continued to escalate. At this point I was thinking "Where are the parents??"

Since there appeared to be no adults watching these boys, I intercepted and said "Hey can I talk to you guys? You know what, my boys are younger and smaller than you are, and they dont like it when you scare them." These boys did listen to me, and things were better after that. I have no problem with intervening. My oldest son is very sensitive, and I even have to tell HIS little brother to tone it down sometimes. It's a fine line, though. There is a fine line between letting kids work things out on their own and making sure that they are being treated respectfully and not being taken advantage of. That being said, it DOES take a village to raise a child, and I'm not afraid to raise others' kids for them when they aren't doing the job.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Lady Mayapple

I like another poster's idea of watching when your child is outside. We recently went to Chick Fil A and while my kids were in the play area, two older boys, maybe ages 9 and 7, came in and immediately started playing rough with my boys. The 9yo was pretending to be a monster and saying "Im gonna eat you!" and chasing my 4yo around. DS told him to stop and leave him alone, but this kid just got worse, and his little brother chimed right in, things continued to escalate. At this point I was thinking "Where are the parents??"

Since there appeared to be no adults watching these boys, I intercepted and said "Hey can I talk to you guys? You know what, my boys are younger and smaller than you are, and they dont like it when you scare them." These boys did listen to me, and things were better after that. I have no problem with intervening. My oldest son is very sensitive, and I even have to tell HIS little brother to tone it down sometimes. It's a fine line, though. There is a fine line between letting kids work things out on their own and making sure that they are being treated respectfully and not being taken advantage of. That being said, it DOES take a village to raise a child, and I'm not afraid to raise others' kids for them when they aren't doing the job.

It's possible some of the other kids' parents might even appreciate the extra supervision for their kids. I've seen that happen before.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

In addition to the excellent advice above, how about learning how to ask the kids "do your mothers know you use such filthy language?"

That's a good point. If the parents don't know any English, they probably don't know what kinds of things the kids are saying.

[Lady Mayapple]

Originally Posted by lolar2

It's possible some of the other kids' parents might even appreciate the extra supervision for their kids. I've seen that happen before.

In the neighborhood where I lived from the time I was born until I was 10 and we moved, there was a pretty much neighborhood-wide "open door" policy, except at my house which made ME the target. I remember going a pretty far distance from the house at a young age, 6 or 7. But I knew all the kids and their parents, and I knew that I could stop at their houses if I needed something. My mom wasn't really "available" most of the time we lived there, she was either sleeping or on the phone or had a "visitor", not going to go into any more detail with that. Being aware that a lot of kids have an upbringing like mine, and much much worse than mine, I think that is what inspires me to keep a watchful eye. We were at a local park and noticed a little girl, she might have been 3 at the oldest, wandering into the woods. Two teenaged boys who were there with their siblings saw her and brought her back into the play area. Everyone started asking where her parents were, going from pavilion to pavilion trying to find her family. It took almost TWO HOURS to find her mother, who seemed to be intoxicated and rather unconcerned that her three year old daughter had wandered into the forest. The police were called and she was taken away in handcuffs. It was nearly dusk when this girl was noticed, and that could have had a deadly outcome had other people not been watching.