I need to vent about my friend - Page 4

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

Why would you be surprised that people who ascribe to AP, which is ultimately about being able to put yourself in your child's shoes, are also able and willing to be empathetic to another mom's feelings and/or situation? Or that they tend to respond to what seems like judgement, regardless of how you're saying that you're not judging this person--since most AP people have felt the sting of someone judging them at some point?

To me, the folks who practice AP (and not just a checklist) tend to be very easily able to have empathy for other people--even when they disagree.

i heart you, Tigerchild!

I will also echo the sentiments of many of the WOHM here. Three hours alone with the kids after a day of work would be scary - as would an entire weekend day. Business trips were often my salvation. Sometimes you are just in such a business groove that you really can't switch gears and check-in at home. I didn't check in with my husband when I did my Reserve Duty either. I was just in a different role - not wife and mother, but in-charge.

I spent a LOT of time chatting with my caregivers at the end of the day. to be honest, I felt it was VERY important to have a good rapport with my caregivers - and here I thought everyone loved me 'cause I was the chatty mom that asked about them or shared a laugh about my own day. Honestly, my way of connecting to my children was to connect to their caregivers. I guess that makes more sense at the baby stage, but it's carried over into the after school care.

Finally, I was never so happy than when my daughter started kindergarten (at 5.5 yo) and could drop state mandated naps. It moved the sleep time from after 10 pm to closer to 8:30 or 9! I don't know that there is a solution for anyone there. But where does the state get off telling someone when to nap kids!?

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by just_lily

What always gets me is when parents tell me they need to bring their kids to me even when the parent has a day off, so that "they can get things done around the house." I understand once in a while, but one of my parents works four days a week, and brings her DD to me five days so that she can have a day to herself. I am pretty sure it is only jealousy on my part, but it really irks me. I would LOVE to have a day to myself to get my house in order but I always have their kids running around.

My view is this - if you WOH you don't have as much time to get housework done.

I just wanted to offer a perspective on this. Dh and I both WOH, and both of us have jobs that require more than 40 hours a week (although the schedule for those extra hours is flexible--we both typically work for 2-3 hours in the evening after dd goes to bed).

If one of us has a day we don't have to be at work, dd ALWAYS goes to her care provider.

We can't afford any kind of cleaning help, so all of the deep cleaning/major chores need to be done on weekends. Nothing gets done in the evenings--our dd has severe food allergies, so all our meals need to be prepared from scratch and, as I said, we have other work to do. So this means stuff like laundry, vacuuming, any major food prep for the week (baking, soups, etc.), scrubbing the bathroom, mopping, paying bills, dropping off or picking up dry cleaning, going to the post office, you name it--it all has to be done on the weekends. If one of us a weekday to catch up on this stuff, then it means that we'll have a weekend day where ALL THREE OF US can do something fun together as a family, instead of struggling to balance chores with family time.

And besides that, honestly, sometimes people just need a day off. There have been a handful of days since dd was born when I had a day off, she went to her daycare, and I just took a day for me. Days like that are so incredibly rare and, as an introvert who has not found parenting a natural or easy fit, I find that they make me a better parent in a million ways. When I've had some time to recharge my batteries, I'm more patient, more social, less touched out, etc.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by Ellien C

I spent a LOT of time chatting with my caregivers at the end of the day. to be honest, I felt it was VERY important to have a good rapport with my caregivers - and here I thought everyone loved me 'cause I was the chatty mom that asked about them or shared a laugh about my own day. Honestly, my way of connecting to my children was to connect to their caregivers. I guess that makes more sense at the baby stage, but it's carried over into the after school care.

I'm the OP...and honestly, I'm pretty much over this whole friend thing. I really just needed to vent. I honestly was NOT judging my friend, but just being from two totally different worlds I couldn't fathom acting the way she does and I needed to let off steam in this very safe environment rather than to anyone in my real life! I appreciate everyone chiming in and even giving me perspective from the other side.

But I wanted to quote the part above Ellien C, because in your post I sensed that you thought I judged my friend for chatting with me when she came to pick up her kids. And maybe some others have said that they want the babysat kids GONE asap, but not me. I really really enjoy chatting with my friend when she comes, because after all I'm the one with no adult interaction all day! But the part that bothers me is that she dismisses her kids so she can do it. I so wish she would just scoop them up, love on them a bit and THEN send them off to play so we can chill and chat. That's all. I just feel bad for her kids at that part of the day because they are craving her by that point of the day.

[marinak1977]

Just a random thought, but could you say something like "why don't you say hi to these 2 while I make us a cup of tea so that we can catch up?" This way you can remove yourself with a task, limiting your friend's options, but she would know that in just a few moments she can have adult time again. It may help the girls get the attention.

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I say all of this as a very attatched parent. My expressions of attatchment and how we work in that is just different.

I come home after a long day of physical labor and the last thing, the very last thing I want is my children pawing all over me. Especially my 7 year old who is always super clingy and affectionate. sweet, but clinging is clinging. I am an introvert and I need 45 min to an hour before I am ok with touching, climbing, clinging of any sort. adult conversation though. like a life line. And taking time for me, so that I do not snap or hate being a mother is very important. as my kids have gotten older they really understand that (especially myh introverted dd ) I am not physically able to touch my children at 4:30 in the afternoon after touching and being touched all day. having that time to decompress is the only thing allows me to go on as a parent.

My absolute least favorite time of the day is when my youngest comes home from school. its not that I am not happy to see her, its just the transition and chaos and yammering on and throwing papers at me etc. I hate it. i hate school and the last thing I want is to hear about it.

All of this was much easier for me when I was a stay at home homeschooling married mother. Overnight I went to working, single and kids in school. I was ok then but when I went to full time I have had a really hard time adjusting and I hate the whole transition from work to home. I really can't deal with my kids until the actual transition is over. (until we are home, I have washed up and changed clothes and supper is on the stove.) I haver sensory integration disorder and am an introvert. it makes transityioning after a long day very very hard on me. i wsh I could grow up, suck it up and be the perfect june cleaver type but I am not and if my kids want any good time with me I need to make that transition in a way that keeps me from losing it the rest of the day.


the three hour thing....well thats sad but she sounds pretty overwhelmed. It must be super lonely and depressing to be alone all the time. I have never considered my children company. They were work i love them but they were a lot of work. and I was generally bored out of my mind as a stay at home parent with small children. Especially when my husband would work from sun up to sun down. I was fine if he were around to do stuff with us and keep me company. but alone I could hardly cope.


I have never been a caller checker inner. Never been that interested with what my kids did when they were at someone elses house for sleep over or playdate. Did they have fun? was there blood shed? great. I love hearing about it from my kids but never cared to listen to their care providers play by play. things like little text messeges and pictures would not have gotten much of a response from me. I rarely call my kids while i am away from them for just a couple of days either. They are having fun. why interupt that. Also as a childcare provider I was irritated when someone would call for their happy child, who would then be reminded that they missed their mom and said happy child would go from perfectly content to misreable and crying for mom who could do very little over the phone. thanks mom.

Naps, if my babysitter were giving my kids afternoon naps (Especially at 3 and 6 years old, after I had asked her not to) I would be ticked off. I assume she is paying you right? it is your job to help the kids get through a rough afternoon. giving them an afternoon nap would totally wreck bedtime. If they do fall asleep try to limit naps to 20 to 30 minutes. Don;t wait for the kids to wake up on their own. give them a few minutes to rest well and then wake them up. an hour and half nap is a very long one. if they absolutely must sleep try to move it as early as possible (11:30 or 12) and again keep it short. we had a strict early bedtime. sticking to it was essential and one of the reasons they did not need naps. it was better for them and better for me. of course one nap could throw off our routien for a week!! Its a vicious cycle...trust me. and bedtime was my salvation. by the time 7:30 rolled around I was ready to snap. Needed a break really bad. If someone had given my kids a nap I would have wound up (even worse) out of sync kids to deal with when I was least able to. again vicious cycle. If I do not stick to a routien and get regular touch free intervals I tend to push my kids away more and they get clinger which stresses me out more on and on and on. My kids are 14, 10, and 7 and I still enfore a strict 8:30 bedtime for the all during the school year and 9-10 in the summer (they can sleep in in the summer.)

You sound a lot like me . I am an introvert, my job is director of a neighborhood center that provides afterschool and summer programming for kids. Even though I rarely work directly with the kids, it still means the kids at the center are clamoring for hugs, attention, etc. In addition to all the admin stuff I do.

What that means when I get home is that I need time to transition from being in that loud noisy space to being home and in a sacred space. What that looks like is that my 4 yo knows most of the time that I need a good 20-30 mins to be left alone in silence. Generally my transition time ( I live 10 from work and since we share a car I either walk home or the hubby and kid pick me up so no real chance to transition on way home) is getting a drink of some sort, and either read or get online for a little while. Once I have done that I am good, I can play, read, etc. I don't get that time and it almost inevitably means crankly Mom and night proceeds badly.

My 4 yo is a lot more energetic and extroverted than my 18 yo ever was so its hard but as a parent I beleive we have to take care of ourselves first so we can take of our kids.

I believe in attachment parenting but as someone who has been parenting for 18 years, I think that its a two way street to meet everyone's needs.

[staceychev]

Lilyka and Shay--I think I'm a lot like you, too.

I would consider myself a very attached parent. DD1 was in my bed until she was three, and nursed until she was four, never took a bottle. I wore her constantly. I'm on the same path with DD2. But, I'm an outgoing introvert who works as a high school teacher, and just like my "spirited child," transitions are rough on me. It's actually easier with a baby, because they're designed to make us want to cuddle them. But, when you just get back from work (and no, a commute by oneself is not a decompression), a 3 or 4 year old literally hanging off your body can make one feel quite anxious.

That said, OP, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job--I wish you could watch my babe when I have to give up maternity leave in September! I totally understand your need to vent!

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by staceychev

But, I'm an outgoing introvert who works as a high school teacher, and just like my "spirited child," transitions are rough on me.

Yes! You described me to a tee! I am outgoing when it comes to work, etc yet those interactions drain me, and I have to get into my own head to recharge. I am laughing because this past month I traveled a bit and the transitions were almost as hard on me as they were on my 4yo. One 2 day trip of having to be on took me almost a week to transtion back to normal life.

Sorry for derailing ever so slightly but your description totally resonated with me.

Shay

[limabean]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

OP, I'm right there with you. I can never get my mind around it when I spend time with parents like that, who seem to find their children to be a bother for even the few hours they are with them.

Now that it's summer, I run into it more often in complete strangers. I homeschool my children and went to an indoor playground type of place earlier this week with some homeschool friends and their children. This one mom who was just there said, "Ugh, summers, it's only been 3 days and I don't know what to do with my children." We were all flabbergasted and had no idea how to respond. We love spending time with our children (though, of course, it doesn't hurt to have occasional breaks) and don't find it hard to have them home with us at all.

I do feel sorry for those sweet little children who cry because they miss their parents and am so grateful that they have such a caring caregiver during the day.

I hope you don't assume anyone who says the bolded thinks their children are a bother that they'd rather not deal with. Just last night I started a thread saying something very similar, and it has nothing to do with me not wanting to be with my kids or thinking they're a bother (I'm a WAHM so I'm very much used to caring for them all day every day). It's just a different rhythm and for some people it's hard to adjust, especially early in the summer when it's new.

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

So this means stuff like laundry, vacuuming, any major food prep for the week (baking, soups, etc.), scrubbing the bathroom, mopping, paying bills, dropping off or picking up dry cleaning, going to the post office, you name it--it all has to be done on the weekends. If one of us a weekday to catch up on this stuff, then it means that we'll have a weekend day where ALL THREE OF US can do something fun together as a family, instead of struggling to balance chores with family time.

Respectfully, all that stuff has to be done on the weekends in lots of families, including families with a SAHP. I totally agree that even parents (all kinds of parents) need a break, and I don't begrudge them that at all (I take frequent guilt-free breaks myself), but what you describe above isn't just a WOH thing.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by limabean

Respectfully, all that stuff has to be done on the weekends in lots of families, including families with a SAHP. I totally agree that even parents (all kinds of parents) need a break, and I don't begrudge them that at all (I take frequent guilt-free breaks myself), but what you describe above isn't just a WOH thing.

Yes, of course. I was just responding to the "I can't imagine why anyone would still send their child to care when they have a day off!" sentiment. One of the reasons that we might do that is because it will open up a chunk of the weekend for some quality family time. (My perspective is also colored by experience: I was a SAHP for dd's first two years, and I was able to get SO much more done during the day--she napped, for starters, and I could also do things like laundry and mopping when she was awake. Of course, things might be different in families with many kids, or if parents are homeschooling, or whatever.)

[lilyka]

even as a stay at home mom I cherished times when my kids would go away for the day. It was the only time I could get any house work done efficiently. it wasn't that I didn/;t love them, wasn't attatched to them or hated being with them. it was the opposite actually. A few hours of work time meant my free time was really free. My kids are not in daycare now but if they were I would likely still send them to daycare at least half the day on my day off (I get tuesdays and every other friday off) so i could get all my work done and then be really focused on them when they wer ehome rather than be distracted and cranky the entire time i was with them.