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Friend lacks basic concept of child safety - WWYD? - Page 2

post #21 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
She didn't scream at him because she didn't know where her child was, she screamed at him because he agreed to lock the door and LIED about it and that resulted in her child being in a situation she felt was unsafe. He didn't have to know her parenting standards and adhere to them, he just needed to not lie about locking a door.
Well, I don't know about you but my DS1 has been capable of opening a door (and unlocking it) since he was 2yo. It's quite possible that the 3yo just went and opened the door and went outside.

OP, I kind of think that it's your responsibility to watch your kids. I hold my friends newborn and still manage to watch my kids. If we're at someone's house then I watch them like hawks, if for no other reason than I don't want them playing with something they shouldn't and breaking it. If I go to the toilet I will ask whoever I'm with to watch my youngest and haven't had any problems, but if someone let my 1yo wander off then I just wouldn't ask that person to keep an eye on them anymore.

I can understand why you're angry, it's really freaky when we think about the things that could have happened to our children but at the end of the day, unless you are not there, it is your responsibility to keep them safe.
post #22 of 74
I've learned that you really can't count on others to watch your kids - especially when you are there - (not counting babysitters, daycare, some grandparents). It's just a false sense of security, IMO. Heck, I can barely keep track of all four of my kids while visiting or out in public - and in a way it's worse when we are with others. I've experienced kinda similar when at the zoo with a good friend's family. Except that I didn't outright say I was keeping an eye out on her toddler while she held my baby - and he took off in a matter of seconds. I think b/c there was 4 adults (2 sets of parents) that it's easy to get distracted and assume someone else is watching the kid(s).
post #23 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dandelionkid View Post
No you aren't overreacting- you have a 1 yr old! I wouldn't write off the friendship because of their safety standards but for the fact that they lied to you, were careless with your 1 yr old, and laughed at your concern and fear. She doesn't sound like the kind of person I would want a friendship with.
post #24 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I was surprised you said you continued drinking your coffee because as soon as I read that I assumed he was being sarcastic. Maybe it's just me though, but I started laughing . I mean who would just sit there by their locked front door to make sure no one would go out?

It sounded sarcastic to me, not a promise.
post #25 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I was surprised you said you continued drinking your coffee because as soon as I read that I assumed he was being sarcastic. Maybe it's just me though, but I started laughing . I mean who would just sit there by their locked front door to make sure no one would go out?

I also read sarcasm into that!
post #26 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by Learning_Mum View Post
Well, I don't know about you but my DS1 has been capable of opening a door (and unlocking it) since he was 2yo. It's quite possible that the 3yo just went and opened the door and went outside.
If a kid opened a door an adult had actually locked, the adult would apologize for not having known their kid could open their locks.

"Both husband and wife reacted like I was some crazy, overprotective mom." is the reaction of someone who never locked the door in the first place.
post #27 of 74
I agree that there may be disrespect happening (not sure, I'd be willing to try again and see, though you might feel differently) but my main point earlier was that I wouldn't end a friendship based strictly on a difference in safety standards. being disrespected and talked down to, though, would be a different story, if that is in fact happening.

you can always see them casually and see where it goes...
post #28 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I was surprised you said you continued drinking your coffee because as soon as I read that I assumed he was being sarcastic. Maybe it's just me though, but I started laughing . I mean who would just sit there by their locked front door to make sure no one would go out?
Their apartment is really tiny. He was sitting right by the front door (eating icecream) not because I asked him to, and nor was he being sarcastic. He was just sitting right by the front door because well, that also happens to be where their kitchen is .

Something else to clarify is that, in the communal hallway of their third-floor apt, there is this awfully scary window, that is floor level, so kids could walk right out there. When I could not find my son, I seriously considered that this is exactly what he might have done, for a split second.
post #29 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
She didn't scream at him because she didn't know where her child was, she screamed at him because he agreed to lock the door and LIED about it and that resulted in her child being in a situation she felt was unsafe. He didn't have to know her parenting standards and adhere to them, he just needed to not lie about locking a door.

The only reason the OP wasn't watching her LO closely enough to see that he'd gone out the door is that she had been told that the door would be locked. Just as she'd be reassured at the national park that her child was being watched by the other adult.

OP, both those people were irresponsible to lie to you. Thank goodness you didn't learn that by having your child harmed by their lack of trustworthiness.
Thank you for your support. Those were indeed the reasons I screamed at the husband. Additionally, the fear of thinking my son had walked out the window was still fresh, and my adrenalin was running. Also, after the incident at the national park, I felt so stupid for thinking that this guy would do something as simple as locking a door and making sure the kids did not leave the apartment. I should have known better, because I already received prior signals that these people do not do what they say they will.

And really, I am not your typical helicopter parent. I consider myself to be quite laid-back, but I do need to know there is no immediate danger of death !

Oh well, lesson learned. I decided that if they want a playdate again, that will be fine, at my house.
post #30 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
It sounded sarcastic to me, not a promise.
No sarcasm, I can see how it looks that way when you read the post, but he said it in a calm, reassuring manner. (See above)
post #31 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
Also, is this a cultural thing? Where you live, I remember once going into some catacombs. In the US, those catacombs would have been all roped off and everything. There was a part where you could easily just fall into darkness. My friend told me she went there all the time with her friends as a kid and they'd throw stuff down and listen for it to land WAY down below. Seriously, this was a "slip and you're dead" situation. But it's considered your responsibility to keep yourself safe, different from the US where that place would have been like sealed off or someone would have sued the town or something.
You're right, to an extent, it is cultural. Some people let their three year olds play in the local park totally by themselves, while the parents stay home, and that is considered relatively normal.
post #32 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
Weird. If I tell someone I'm going to watch their child, I watch them. You know, with my eyes. Even without the fact that you're talking about a 1 year old in a public park, she said she would watch him and then didn't do it.
OK, I'll end my marathon posting session now, but this is exactly what I felt. After my one year old went missing, she even went as far as to deny she'd agreed to watch him in the first place. No sorry, no nothing.

If I had agreed to watch someone else's kid and they then went missing, I'd feel ashamed for the rest of my life. If you don't feel you can watch other peoples' kids that is fine, but then don't say you will. And I was not asking her for a favor, she asked me to hold her newborn.
post #33 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I was surprised you said you continued drinking your coffee because as soon as I read that I assumed he was being sarcastic. Maybe it's just me though, but I started laughing . I mean who would just sit there by their locked front door to make sure no one would go out?
Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I don't think he lied so much as made fun of what he saw as a huge overreaction.

BTW, I'm with another poster that stairs around a 3YO don't bother me. We have friends whose 18MO hasn't figured out stairs (with help), and I find her far, far behind in that regard. Both of my kiddos could go up and down stairs by 1.
post #34 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by MittensKittens View Post
Thank you for your support. Those were indeed the reasons I screamed at the husband.
First, I don't think I've ever "screamed" at anyone as an adult. That would feel like a major overreaction to me. Second, if the apartment was so "tiny," - you've pointed that out several times - shouldn't you have been able to see what was going on?
post #35 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
First, I don't think I've ever "screamed" at anyone as an adult. That would feel like a major overreaction to me. Second, if the apartment was so "tiny," - you've pointed that out several times - shouldn't you have been able to see what was going on?
OK, perhaps I didn't quite "scream", but certainly something similar. They have two rooms. I was in the other room. Close enough to hear exactly what was going on as it happened, but not able to see, because of a wall.
post #36 of 74
I guess I come down on the side of: they are in the wrong here. I can't even fathom for a second promising to watch someone's one year old (one! a baby!) at a busy beach with lots of woods all around, and not actually keep my eyes on him. But even if I did screw up and he managed to wander off I would feel SOOOO bad. I would be freaking out as much as the mom and would be helping to look for him. I can't imagine LAUGHING at my friend while she was worried sick!!!

And I don't think it's irresponsible/unusual/etc to expect that if your friend says "I'll watch him" that that means that she'll actually watch him. Even if her older dc would have stayed close by at that age doesn't mean she should assume that yours would. When I look after someone else's kid (esp if I don't know them super well) I'm extra cautious because I don't know them as well as my own and I don't know exactly how they'll act in any given situation.

And the dad saying he'd lock and watch the door and then just going off would make me livid too. That open window sounds very dangerous and I wouldn't even feel ok with my 5.5 yr old playing near it without me watching (perhaps being tempted to lean out it), let alone my toddler.
post #37 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl View Post
I guess I come down on the side of: they are in the wrong here. I can't even fathom for a second promising to watch someone's one year old (one! a baby!) at a busy beach with lots of woods all around, and not actually keep my eyes on him. But even if I did screw up and he managed to wander off I would feel SOOOO bad. I would be freaking out as much as the mom and would be helping to look for him. I can't imagine LAUGHING at my friend while she was worried sick!!!

And I don't think it's irresponsible/unusual/etc to expect that if your friend says "I'll watch him" that that means that she'll actually watch him. Even if her older dc would have stayed close by at that age doesn't mean she should assume that yours would. When I look after someone else's kid (esp if I don't know them super well) I'm extra cautious because I don't know them as well as my own and I don't know exactly how they'll act in any given situation.

And the dad saying he'd lock and watch the door and then just going off would make me livid too. That open window sounds very dangerous and I wouldn't even feel ok with my 5.5 yr old playing near it without me watching (perhaps being tempted to lean out it), let alone my toddler.
post #38 of 74
No, you didn't overreact. I think your friends are being very disrespectful to you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by riverscout View Post
I was surprised you said you continued drinking your coffee because as soon as I read that I assumed he was being sarcastic. Maybe it's just me though, but I started laughing . I mean who would just sit there by their locked front door to make sure no one would go out?

I also read the father's statement as sarcasm. He was making fun of you, OP. At least that's how it came across to me. The fact he would mock you that way is not cool at all.
post #39 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
Yeah, that's what I thought, too. I don't think he lied so much as made fun of what he saw as a huge overreaction.

BTW, I'm with another poster that stairs around a 3YO don't bother me. We have friends whose 18MO hasn't figured out stairs (with help), and I find her far, far behind in that regard. Both of my kiddos could go up and down stairs by 1.
My dd could go up and down stairs by 1. At 21.5 months she still doesn't always CARE that the stairs are there. She's just as likely to have her head turned away from the stairs as her little feet step right out and down.

ETA: I haven't actually let her fall down the stairs, but stairs going down are harder to see than stairs going up and she's tripped on up stairs she didn't bother to notice.
post #40 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
First, I don't think I've ever "screamed" at anyone as an adult. That would feel like a major overreaction to me. Second, if the apartment was so "tiny," - you've pointed that out several times - shouldn't you have been able to see what was going on?
"scream" was actually annethcz's interpretation of the OP saying she "yelled". I then perpetuated the error when I quoted and responded to annethcz. There is a definite difference between yelling and screaming and yelling at someone in another room is quite reasonable.
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