Advising Others Against CIO

[Path2Felicity]

Mamas, I am feeling pretty lonely in my parenting style where I live. I am in a community where cloth diapering and natural birthing are "in" but almost all the mothers around me use "cry-it-out" in some form or another. It upsets me because they make it sound so beautiful... "soothe themselves to sleep" "sleep training program" etc. And, whenever a new mom joins the group, the CIO-ers immediately glorify CIO and how it's made them better parents because they can sleep at night now, etc.

I can get along with whoever. But, how can I show the other side without sounding judgmental? The one time, I began explaining that I don't do CIO because I want my baby to know that I will respond to her cries, and one of the mothers listening immediately jumped in and got defensive. She said: "I respond to my baby's needs!" And then I said that at night, I never know if the baby is having a problem through a milestone, growth spurt, etc, so I don't feel as confident just leaving her alone... and then she said that I must not know my baby very well. And then I felt bad.

I am a pretty introspective person and don't want to step on any toes. But, I want new moms to know that there is another way... yes, a harder way, but with the proper support system in place, much more rewarding in the long run. I don't know.

Has anybody else been in a similar situation? Do you just keep your mouth shut? Do you speak up?

[TSomm]

I can't wait to hear the suggestions...

I hosted a "new moms group" this past weekend and one mom glorified CIO for her 4 month old. Well, he's 4 mo now, I don't know how old he was when she let him CIO.

I believe even the inventor of CIO says that is too young.

UGH.

[Path2Felicity]

TSomm- I see you live in Eastern PA. So do I! Maybe we should have our own new mom's group where we set the rules so that nobody glorifies CIO...

[Knitting Mama]

The only thing I've had any success with using when talking to CIOers is the fact that babies don't have the brains yet to be rational thinkers-- they simply think Mama is gone and that there's nothing they can do to bring her back. It's cruel, IMHO. But beyond that train of thought, it seems like there's little I can do to convince someone to try a different parenting style; most people believe what they believe and that's all there is to it. For the most part I have learned to keep my mouth shut because speaking up doesn't seem to help in the long run.

[1blueheron]

"Oh, that's so interesting that CIO really works for you/her. I've heard from friends with older babies that sometimes their babies get super clingy, or they have to rinse and repeat a bunch."

That's as much as I've said unless they ask what we do. But I've accepted that it's not my mission to convert anybody.

[FishBounce]

My husband is very very anti-CIO. He always tells people, "Isn't a nicer home environment when your wife ensures your child's contentment? I know I love not hearing the wailing!"

[Abraisme]

I don't hold my tongue! I am the first to give information, science, studies, etc to women when they're doing something has harmful as CIO. Although, I also don't go to "conventional" mommy groups either. I'm more than willing to walk away and make new friends. I belong to a hard-core AP mommies group. Either you're with us or you probably don't want to come. I have found that I can not be friends with many "standardized" parents. I can not surround myself with people when I believe that they are causing brain damage to their babies. I honestly have no idea how people can continue being friends with people when their parenting philosophies are so different and damaging.

Have you thought about starting your own AP mommies group? It's worked out really well for us. That way everyone can support each other, instead of getting upset at differences. We don't have to judge anyone because we all do things pretty similarly. It's nearly impossible to try to tell someone that their parenting style is wrong and not have them get totally defensive. It's human nature, no one wants to believe that they're causing brain damage to their children.

Good luck

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

TSomm- I see you live in Eastern PA. So do I! Maybe we should have our own new mom's group where we set the rules so that nobody glorifies CIO...

[4myfinn]

I try to keep my mouth shut, but I often have a hard time not saying something. Usually I'll just say, "Studies are showing now that it actually does more harm than good in the long run." I leave it at that and don't elaborate. It usually sparks their interest and I feel like it elicits a tone that's neutral enough that whomever I'm speaking with doesn't get too defensive. I just hope it gets them interested enough to start asking questions or digging around.

[Path2Felicity]

Thanks, everyone, for the comments.

Just to clarify- I am too shy really to say things to people who already do CIO or have done it. My heart breaks when I see their babies because of the possible damage done to them, but I figure that what is done is done. I just want new moms to feel comfortable meeting their baby's needs instead of feeling like CIO is the only option out there. I want to do this without offending others. I suppose I can tell them in private, but I don't know how shady that might look.

Abraisme- I would start my own AP group but I guess I don't know enough parents who are into AP... or maybe not enough people who speak up about it.

Fishbounce- My husband is also very, very anti-CIO.... not because he read anything about it, but, in his mind, he can not fathom the idea of just letting a baby cry and not comforting her. It seems barbaric to him.

Honestly, I feel so sad when I see a new, frustrated mother talk about sleep deprivation.. and then everyone telling her that it's okay to let the baby CIO because "it works"... I honestly feel so sad for the baby. That baby has no voice to defend herself. I actually started tearing up at a new mom's group once when someone was saying what success they had with the method. And I know that if I say something, I come off as judgmental.

Sigh.

[Jaesun's Dad]

Generally speaking criticizing another parent's parenting is not going to end well. Perhaps the best way to communicate this is to simply say what you do yourself and why, without passing judgment on what others do and why they do it. If you convincingly make your situation seem more favorable than theirs without directly criticizing their own behavior that may make them think more about investigating other possibilities on their own.

Usually I'll just say, "Studies are showing ...

Just be sure to have the specifics of those studies ready to share. A lot of people (e.g. me) will call for supporting data given such statements.

[leam811]

Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad

Perhaps the best way to communicate this is to simply say what you do yourself and why, without passing judgment on what others do and why they do it.

This. In the few times when it's come up around us, I just say something like, "I just don't feel comfortable letting her cry," and leave it at that.

But it IS hard to be around other families that do it, and not to feel like the LOs are having a hard time, even if they're happily playing or lovin on their mama as you're talking.

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by Path2Felicity

Abraisme- I would start my own AP group but I guess I don't know enough parents who are into AP... or maybe not enough people who speak up about it.

Have you checked to see if there's an active tribe thread here on MDC for your area? Another good site to try would be the local threads on www.diaperswappers.com (cloth diapering board) or www.thebabywearer.com. While neither guarantee Attachment Parenting, you're probably a lot more likely to find more AP families there than random other boards!

[Aramat36]

I've had a few occasions where mothers who CIO have told me I'll make my son "needy" and "clingy" if I keep responding to his cries. My group of friends already think I'm nuts because I had a homebirth, we co sleep and practice natural infant hygiene, I just told the Mom's CIO is not for us. If they want a discussion about it I'll have it, otherwise I don't bring up topics with certain people.

[NEastMomma]

I know! I too feel so sad when I hear new moms being advised to CIO. My heart breaks for that baby and I've come very close to tearing up about it too. I am way too shy and/or don't want to offend so I don't say anything either. Then I walk away and imagine that baby (who might be happily playing at the moment) CIO-ing alone in his crib... (((shudder)))

And yet I do nothing -I guess I feel stronger that it is none of my business.

[hakeber]

I'm not a confrontational person myself, so I usually just say "I could never stand to hear the baby cry like that. It physically hurt me. Instead I find XYZ helps baby fall asleep better. This has worked far better than leaving LO to cry. Works like a charm...90% of the time"

For example: Swaddling, white noise, side positioning, swinging/rocking bed, lullabies, bed time routines, lovies, patting, etc.

They seem to be relieved to hear ALTERNATIVES...because the truth is most people just don't know what else to do! They genuinely believe that CIO is the only viable option...I say the best route is to offer what your solution is.

[Friendlee]

Originally Posted by Jaesun's Dad

Generally speaking criticizing another parent's parenting is not going to end well. Perhaps the best way to communicate this is to simply say what you do yourself and why, without passing judgment on what others do and why they do it. If you convincingly make your situation seem more favorable than theirs without directly criticizing their own behavior that may make them think more about investigating other possibilities on their own.



Just be sure to have the specifics of those studies ready to share. A lot of people (e.g. me) will call for supporting data given such statements.

I think this response is spot on. Well said.

[MommatoAandA]

Jaesuns dad is spot on. Remember the last time you were talking to someone about whatever AP thing it was you love and they critized it? Or gave unsolicited advice? How did it feel?

I will let my very easy going babe whine for 2 minutes, sometimes. She isn't into rocking or cuddling and there isnt much I can do when she is over tired. CIO can mean different things to different people, too. But at the end of the day, just share what you do, what works for you and why you love it. I find moms (especially first timers) want an easy answer, there isn't one. They feel by meeting the physical needs they are meeting the important ones, because they are so tired, they truly have nothing to give. Also, when someone is extremely sleep deprived, sometimes it might be better for baby to cry a bit. There were nights with my first, very high needs baby, that if I had gone into her, I might have hurt her, I was that tired. So I think presenting your opinion and what works for you is the best bet.

I am in NO WAY promoting CIO, just presenting a different side.

It seems like maybe you might need to find a new group to hang with.

I cannot, though, for the life of me, understand the logic behind breastfeeding, APing, peaceful birthing, then letting your child scream and cry to sleep? All of the beliefs there promote peace for baby and parents. It feels like the skit from Sesame Street, "One of these things is not like the other"

[MommatoAandA]

Originally Posted by hakeber

I'm not a confrontational person myself, so I usually just say "I could never stand to hear the baby cry like that. It physically hurt me. Instead I find XYZ helps baby fall asleep better. This has worked far better than leaving LO to cry. Works like a charm...90% of the time"

For example: Swaddling, white noise, side positioning, swinging/rocking bed, lullabies, bed time routines, lovies, patting, etc.

They seem to be relieved to hear ALTERNATIVES...because the truth is most people just don't know what else to do! They genuinely believe that CIO is the only viable option...I say the best route is to offer what your solution is.

YES! Presenting someone with ALTERNATIVES and not presenting them with all the reasons what they are doing is bad is a phenominal idea!

My SIL lives upstairs and they are ALL about CIO. I can hear him in my room at night. They have been doing it since he was born and he is now almost 2.5 and what do you know, still screams every night. UGH More proof though it doesnt work. I once mentioned it to SIL, who works nights, so BIL is home with the LO and she said she knew and looked down and said she hated it, but BIL has the say on it, WTF? You could tell she was almost relieved to not be home when it was happening or something. I am not sure there are any moms out there who enjoy their baby crying. Offering alternatives might do the trick!

[Path2Felicity]

Jaesun's Dad- Thanks for the advice. When it is my turn to talk or discuss issues... or help others by saying what I do- I try my best to be honest about my approach. In fact, someone once asked the group: "When is it okay to start sleep training?" We were a small enough group that day so that everyone could respond, and when it came to my turn, I said something along the lines of: "I don't really sleep train. It makes me nervous because I know that the babies deal with so much at night and going to sleep. They're teething constantly, have stomach aches, reflux, separation anxiety, growth spurts, hunger, and so on- I guess I don't feel confident enough to allow her to comfort herself or whatever." And as soon as it came out of my mouth, I realize how self deprecating that sounded... and I sound that way because I don't want other mothers to feel guilty. I just have trouble getting my point across without sounding too cautious or unsure.

Cecilia's Mama: Thanks so much for the links. They are very helpful!

NEastMomma: That's me to a tee.

Hakeber and MommatoAandA: My struggle is that I don't know how to make my alternative sound better. New moms only hear "my baby sleeps through the night now" "it's tough at first but then the baby is a muuuch better sleeper" "i am a better mom now that i can sleep longer" "my baby only cried one hour" "my baby is much more independent now" "bedtime is so much easier now" ... and what can I possibly say that will make responding to my baby's cries seem more appealing? The only way I can do that is if I make the emotional appeal and say that babies need us and that is why i respond to the babies. But, if I say that, then the other moms get offended. So, it's tricky for me.

I know that it's none of my business what other moms do with their babies. And, I know this may not seem like a big problem to other people. I'm sorry I'm taking up so much web space discussing this. I just (literally) have a physical reaction when I see new, vulnerable mothers talk about how wonderful CIO is. And, I'm studying to be a birth educator and lactation consultant, so I'm sure these issues will come up in both scenarios. I just don't know how to seem non-judgmental and get my message across at the same time.

Someone mentioned talking about studies. The only issue with that is that the other sleep trainers come armed with their own studies and books and sleep experts, etc.