whats your opinion on child support? kinda long...

[UmmSamiyah]

so i don't get child support because i told XH he needed to focus on finishing school. in the past (which has only been 2 times in the last 4 years) when i ask him for money he gives it to me. he doesn't see the kids regularly and when he does he complains that he can't do anything else like but them clothes he feels they need. i am really, really, really trying to get back on track financially and have found that easily 90% if not more of past bills are made by our children. some of the reason why the bills are so high though is because i ignored bills i couldn't afford because i knew i coudn't do anything about them. ( i just realized had i addressed them earlier they would not be so high though, there were problems with insurance coverage). but i feel like he should be contributing financially. is it wrong for me to ask him to pay a little bit of child support? in the last year i have had some major stumbles making it hard for me to pay any bills on time but i have identified the problem and have rectified it. i just feel like i didn't have the children myself and i shouldn't be responsible for 100% of 100%. on the other hand i told him not to worry about it. i need help and until now was not willing to admit it. advice? what do you think?

[doubledutch]

i think you should have the courts decide what his support obligation is. if he has paid nothing in four years (or more) then i think that is plenty of time for him to pull himself together and figure out how he is going to support his children, whether that meant finishing school or learning a trade or whatever. why would it be wrong to expect that he would contribute to his children's wellbeing?

[2xy]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i think you should have the courts decide what his support obligation is. if he has paid nothing in four years (or more) then i think that is plenty of time for him to pull himself together and figure out how he is going to support his children, whether that meant finishing school or learning a trade or whatever. why would it be wrong to expect that he would contribute to his children's wellbeing?

All of that. Especially the bolded part.

[UmmSamiyah]

i just feel bad asking him to help out after telling him not to worry. it is already very difficult to ask for help. i have never been good at that. i just don't know where i stand with requesting money after saying not to contribute. plus, i don't want to put more on him than he can handle. i know he is trying to finish school so i don't want to be that demanding ex-wife. (gosh typing this out makes it clearer to see though)

[*MamaJen*]

So imagine a friend came to you, and she told you that she was struggling to support her children by herself but she thought it would be mean to ask her ex to contribute. What would you tell her?

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by UmmSamiyah

i just don't know where i stand with requesting money after saying not to contribute. plus, i don't want to put more on him than he can handle.

these are two very good reasons to go through the courts.

in the past, you said not to worry about it. now, your circumstances have changed, and your children (not you - your/his children) need his support. there is nothing wrong with saying, "don't worry about child support, just finish school," if/when you can support yourself and the kids. likewise, there is nothing wrong with saying, "okay, now it's time to step up, because the kids really need you to do this."

[UmmSamiyah]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

these are two very good reasons to go through the courts.

in the past, you said not to worry about it. now, your circumstances have changed, and your children (not you - your/his children) need his support. there is nothing wrong with saying, "don't worry about child support, just finish school," if/when you can support yourself and the kids. likewise, there is nothing wrong with saying, "okay, now it's time to step up, because the kids really need you to do this."

that is a really good point. i hate asking for help though which is making this difficult. maybe i could talk to a mediator or something. whenever i talk to him i get all emotional and pissed off so my message is covered by my rage.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by UmmSamiyah

i just feel bad asking him to help out after telling him not to worry. it is already very difficult to ask for help. i have never been good at that. i just don't know where i stand with requesting money after saying not to contribute. plus, i don't want to put more on him than he can handle. i know he is trying to finish school so i don't want to be that demanding ex-wife. (gosh typing this out makes it clearer to see though)

You feel bad asking him to be financially responsible for his own children? Don't they deserve for their father to contribute to supporting them? It's not asking for help, it's just expecting the other parent to do their duty as a human. He should be ashamed to be a deadbeat. Don't enable him!

[nola79]

Don't feel bad. I have btdt, not worth it. I agree with going through the court system and letting them decide the amount. Going through the courts will solve a lot, and you won't have to deal with it. He should contribute, though, no matter if you're struggling or not, and no matter what his financial situation is.

[Ceinwen]

I see both sides (wanting to help, but needing to protect yourself).

As I've mentioned before, I've lowered my ex's CS obligations when he was in a tight spot (we talked about what we could both afford) but that's because I was in a position to cut back a little bit and make ends meet with less income.

That wouldn't work for everyone, and I'm a big proponent of children having access to financial support from both parents.

[lilyka]

your children deserve this. They deserve to have the things they need as well as a mother who does is relaxed and able to be present with them. not a mother who is constantly stressed out over bills and working her fingers to the bone because dad won't step up.. He is morally, spiritually and legally obligated to provide for his children regardless of what agreement you made four years ago. it will not kill him to care for them. you do not need to feel bad for one minute.

[Kiernan]

Asking a parent, sibling or friend to contribute financially to your child's well-being would be asking for help. Expecting your co-parent to support the children he created is not. He's had a pretty sweet deal for the last couple of years, but it's ridiculous for you to be struggling while another parent is present and capable of work.

[UmmSamiyah]

you all make very good points. thank you. in my mind i need to allow myself to let/make him support his children the way he needs to. on the flip side he just recently (two days ago) complained that my daughter was not dressing modestly enough. so he offered to buy her some clothes. i said okay fine, i am not going to refuse anything. then in the next breath he said that if he buys her clothes he will not be able to come visit them. mind you he only sees them on the weekends, every other weekend, and this just started when school ended. until then he had not seen them at all since last september. this is why it feels wrong to ask for CS. he puts these stipulations on it. my primary goal is for my kids to be happy and i know that means seeing there father. i just told him she has more modest clothes and it would be more important for him to see them. and he said okay. that just irks me so much! why do i have to practically beg for him to see them? thanks so much for listening/reading...i feel very alone and guilty in this.

[Latte Mama]

He does not have control over your emotions and you have no reason to feel guilty mama. HE is the one that is not taking care of his own kids and barely seeing them! He is trying to barter his way out of financial responsibility using visitation, that is crap.

Go through the courts and work on releasing your emotions attached to this guy. Seriously, you feel bad for him?

[*MamaJen*]

Also, dad's don't "pay" for visitation. It's actually the opposite. If two parents share 50-50 custody, there might be no child support ordered, just a sharing of medical and daycare expenses. But he doesn't get to pay less child support if he sees them less.
Bottom line, these are his children and he has a moral and legal responsibility to help pay for their needs. And it would do you a world of good to emotionally disengage from him.

[Oh the Irony]

Yup, he's still doing a number on you. I would urge you to get CS through legal means and disengage.

It is important for dads to be involved. As custodial parents we should facilitate that. Facilitate does not mean things happen at our expense though.

The other parent needs to put the work into making things happen.

Don't beg for him to see kids. It gives him power over you, buttons to push, etc. You may be surprised over what happens if you disengage and get CS. He might really step up and do the right thing. Yeah, it could go the other way but your emotional stability is also really important to the kids.

[lilyka]

where does he live? is visiting a huge financial burden? or does he live in the same town? It sounds like he is being manipulative. You cannot force him to visit his kids or to be an involved dad. and you cannot bribe him either. worry about yourself and your kids and your ability to parent. let him worry how he will make it all work.

[UmmSamiyah]

Originally Posted by lilyka

where does he live? is visiting a huge financial burden? or does he live in the same town? It sounds like he is being manipulative. You cannot force him to visit his kids or to be an involved dad. and you cannot bribe him either. worry about yourself and your kids and your ability to parent. let him worry how he will make it all work.

he moved about 3 hours away to go to school. he doesn't have a license and now has to take a bus to see them. then when he gets here i don't know where he stays. i think with friends.

this morning he texted to say he would NOT be able to visit this weekend. after telling us he would. i asked him about the clothes then...no response. i am trying to get this handled. i don't really know why i feel guilty, i think because i am used to taking the repsponsibility and i know how hard it is to finish school. but what confuses me is that i literally worked 2 jobs while going to school and raising the kids. i have no idea what he does for work and he lives with roommates. so why is he not able to help out more you know? i didn't think of it as being still attached but i am seeing i do need to "disengage" and let him grow up. i can't be his mama forever.

[*MamaJen*]

You hold yourself to such a higher standard than you hold him, huh? I do the same thing.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Get yourself to family court and file for child support. Do you have a formal custody arrangement through the courts? This might be the time for that too.

Go through the courts, and there is nothing for him to argue with you about. The court decides whats best.