I am afraid of what he'll do

[goodlife2010]

My exbf has a violent past. He has never put his hands on me but he has put his hands on others in his past. He is verbally abusive when he gets angry. This Sunday evening when he drops our daughter after having her for two days, I plan to tell him I want a new visitation schedule for her. I am going to tell him he can only have her overnights on weekends, every other weekend. I had been letting him take her (3months old) for overnights at least two nights a week. I am afraid when I tell him he will get violent. He has told me b/f he will hate me if I make him a weekend dad. He shows some signs of being obsessed w/ our daughter as it is.
I’m still postpartum and can’t think straight..what should I do?

[chaoticzenmom]

Don't do it in person if you're afraid. If you must do it in person, have someone there with you. Change your locks. If he does threaten you, get a restraining order and cut visitation until you get it ordered through the court. Other people will have more advice.
Three months is really too young for any overnights. She can't understand the switch-off. You really need to talk with someone professional.

[2xy]

If you are afraid of him, write him a letter or talk to him over the phone.

I don't know what your reasons are, but I politely disagree with the above post that says babies will be confused by overnights. I don't know how being cared for by someone other than mama is somehow different because the sun isn't up. There are plenty of mamas who work nights and/or third shift, and leave their babies in the care of someone else. I think an older child is actually more uncomfortable with being "left" than a newborn is.

[*MamaJen*]

You have got to go through the courts on this one. It's really seriously the only way this will work out. I cannot stress this enough. Even if it's a financial stress, you need to get a lawyer and officially file for custody and child support.
He's proven many times before that he can bully and manipulate you. Ideally, you need to cut off personal contact with him and do this the official way.
Right now, with custody not established, he could take the baby and refuse to give her back. With a guy as unstable as he is, I would really and truly not announce that he can only have every other weekend without an official custody order in place.
Good luck to you.

[MissLotus]

You have got to go through the courts on this one. Agreed - there is no way around this! You NEED to establish custody! This is not going to go away or get better by itself. Just announcing the new schedule to him is not going to go over well. You have every right to do it, but as you say, he's unstable. You don't know what he might do to retaliate - as the previous poster said, he might just decide to keep the baby.

In this case, going to court will not be nearly the nightmare of continually trying to negotiate with this person. Please do yourself a favor and seek legal help!

[Latte Mama]

Agree with the above mamas. This dude is not going to accept this new info and just go on about his merry way with weekend visits. You are probably going to have to stop ALL overnights and deal with supervised visitation until you get a custody order.

Like it has been stated, he can just take off with the baby at anytime, it has happened many, many times before. No one wants to see that happen and hindsight is 20/20 but you already KNOW how this guy is. Protect yourself and your sweet baby!

[lucysmom]

Agree with all the PPs. You have no more prerogative to announce a new schedule than he does. If he is not someone you can negotiate with amicably for the next 18 years, you'll need to go to court. Having something established by the court here is probably at least as important as what the terms are, as long as you have at least half of the time with your child.

Good luck.

[spinknottle]

Originally Posted by goodlife2010

My exbf has a violent past. He has never put his hands on me but he has put his hands on others in his past. He is verbally abusive when he gets angry. This Sunday evening when he drops our daughter after having her for two days, I plan to tell him I want a new visitation schedule for her. I am going to tell him he can only have her overnights on weekends, every other weekend. I had been letting him take her (3months old) for overnights at least two nights a week. I am afraid when I tell him he will get violent. He has told me b/f he will hate me if I make him a weekend dad. He shows some signs of being obsessed w/ our daughter as it is.
I’m still postpartum and can’t think straight..what should I do?

Ok to start -- I agree with the PP's who say that you need to do this through the courts with lawyers. It's better for everybody that way. But I have a few questions. I see you only have 18 posts here (I know I have an extremely low post count as well) But it makes me wonder how much history other readers/posters really can know about your situation.

Ok, now on to my questions….

Why have you suddenly arbitrarily decided that your EX needs to have a different parenting schedule??? By "telling" him that you want a change your pretty much saying "my opinion on this situation is more important that yours" Which would make anyone defensive or angry.

He's told your bf that he'll hate you if you make him a weekend dad. Yes "hate" is an extremely strong word but could you imagine if someone came up to you and said "you're going to see your daughter EOW from now on" It would hurt to suddenly have your parenting time cut that much.

Also you mention that he shows signs of being obsessed you’re your daughter. First of all, she's a daughter to both of you. Second of all, a brand new baby, I'm sure most parents would be somewhat "obsessed". It's his child, he helped create her. What exactly are his actions that shows that he's obsessed in an unhealthy way??

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I really hope you consider that you had a baby with a man that you're no longer with and he has a right to be an active parent in your (both you AND him) child's life.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by spinknottle

Why have you suddenly arbitrarily decided that your EX needs to have a different parenting schedule??? By "telling" him that you want a change your pretty much saying "my opinion on this situation is more important that yours" Which would make anyone defensive or angry.

Courts don't typically order overnight visits for newborns or infants, let alone 50-50 visitation. Babies have a deep need to build a strong attachment to a primary caregiver.
Also, she did have a previous thread about his emotional and verbal abuse.

[goodlife2010]

Spinknottle: Point taken. however, she is only 3months old. I have no problem allowing her to stay w/him more when she is older. I told him we could discuss her staying longer in 6months time. I called an attorney and was told in our state (massachusetts) the single mother has presumed sole and legal custody of the child. when I told Exbf that he hit the roof and insisted we have joint custody.
This week was our dd first week at daycare. He called to check on her a few times(acceptable), refused to follow a couple of their rules(ie: no pacifier rule and changing her diaper in a certain way). He also, became upset b/c one of the staff members gave our dd ONE extra ounce of formula during the day. Exbf said the worker had no authority to adjust dd's formula amount. he said it showed "extreme gall on her part" by giving dd an extra once of formula. Is he ok?. When he gets upset he starts cussing and that is something I can not tolerate. Especially b/c I do not go there with him. If I have cussed during an argument I can count it on one hand. But it isn't just his words but his tone, his facial features...it is scary to be on the recieving end of his tirades.
I am allowing him to spend this Father's day weekend w/ dd. I'm still trying to figure out what move to make next. I'm also waiting to hear back from the attorney I spoke to. I'm not sure if I want or need to retain her.

[Bad Mama Jama]

i would definitely work it out through the courts. as someone who has lived through and survived domestic violence, i would not try to discuss anything with the other party. i would put it into writing and let the courts handle it.

that also helps to diffuse some of the confusion as they tend to get angry at the courts and the justice system. for some reason, they think that you can rationalize with the court on their behalf. so don't be shocked it he comes and asks you to ask the court to lighten his load or make the custody arrangement better for him. just don't give in and let him be mad at them.